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State of the Neko address: week 98

2012-01-03T07:44:00.000-06:00

song+ Alone- Glee
book+ no time to read for now
quest+ selling all my surplus doll things
upper+ REAL CHANCE AT VESUVIA
downer+ it'll take luck and work to make enough money in time
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

a day late again, but for damn good reason this week. xD yesterday morning was cleaning the bedroom so i could rearrange it for better New Year energy flow, then in the afternoon i spent seriously 8 hours cataloging and photographing all the doll clothes i have that never get used. some outfits i bought for dolls i no longer own, others are parts of sets where i really only wanted one of the items, and the rest are the result of my obsessive need to buy a whole collection when i really only want one small part of it. today i still have accessories and shoes to go through, then i'll be listing all the surplus for sale. if it sells quick enough, part of the proceeds will go to buying me a Vesuvia from Soom's event offer a bit later this month (available from the 11th to the 25th), if that doesn't happen, the next thing on the list is a new computer, followed by several things for the betterment of our living situation. but yeah, i hadn't realized quite how much we had in the way off doll clothing, when kyu saw my compiled list and organized bundles his response was "i think it's BREEDING" to which i said "no, what worries me is i can think of specific items i'm missing." i'll just have to see if those things turn up later.

Vesuvia is my dream doll, i know i've mentioned her before. i've tried to buy her, but the original release was small, and when she's offered for sale it's generally an incomplete doll at an absurd markup. she was initially $710 bald, blank and eye-less. i've never found the outfit or her eyes offered on the DOA marketplace, but i've (rarely) seen her. $2,000 for most of the doll- but not the scorpion tail, or $2,500 for all the parts.. blank and unpainted with damage to the special feet. they also still sold before i could manage to negotiate anything every time, so this is something i'm REALLY desperate to pull off. thus, the inventory clear-out is happening. i'm okay with having her in a normal skin tone, it was actually the Pearl Violet that had me hesitating ordering her in the first place and missing my chance, so anything i think can possibly make me money, i'm gonna try to sell in the next few weeks.

State of the Neko address: week 97

2011-12-30T09:31:00.001-06:00

song+ Light Up the World- Glee
book+ no time to read for now
quest+ cleaning and packing
upper+ umm new year, new start?
downer+ health issues
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

my resolution to post Monday this week clearly didn't happen. between Kyu's kidney stones, Christmas, Moose's birthday breakfast and more dealing with the kidney stones there was enough stress building that i found myself sick as a dog Wednesday and Thursday. i'm feeling considerably better today though, so i'm trying to get back to something at least vaguely resembling productivity.

it's very nearly next year already, and naturally this has made me reflect on what 2011 was for me, and sadly the overall impression it leaves me with is disappointment for multiple reasons. i'm determined that 2012 will be better. i started this year thinking i'd turn things around and be brilliant at everything, making the whole world awesome in the process, then after a very short time and a series of freakouts i realized that not only would that not happen for me, the steps i was taking were really just wasting time i should have been using to do more productive things. halfway through the year i realized i was slipping further into a depression so deep i was having trouble motivating myself to do basic things like eat or shower. toward the end of the year efforts to break that perpetual slide brought about an almost frenzied drive to create artistic things, and while that helped a little, it burned through my supplies pretty quickly. what did finally stop that slide was as out of my control as the depression itself, and while i do feel substantially brighter now, i'm still not happy, and i'm out of canvas and a few other artistic things i burned through.

my focus now is continuing the project i keep putting aside: cleaning the apartment, sorting through then getting rid of or packing the things i find. our lease is up in about three months and we want to live somewhere we don't hate. honestly we're probably closer to loathing at this point, and i'm being entirely realistic when i say that even with three months to get ready to move we may cut it close, just based on the sheer volume of stuff we own. we own less now than we did a month ago, but it's slow going and i still have tons to go through.

so in closing something completely unrelated to anything else. for Christmas Kyu got me Zelda Skyward Sword. turns out i can't play it since i'm without the "motion plus" add-on for either of my controllers. xD we're gonna see if we can get one this weekend, but yeah. the one present i really wanted, and i can't play it.

State of the Neko address: week 96, part 2

2011-12-23T19:23:00.002-06:00

song+ Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again- Glee (still a supremely awesome duet)
book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ umm baking adventures?
upper+ yay Christmas!
downer+ Kyu's having health issues
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ milk

so in an effort to eat better Kyu and i bought fruit last weekend. i forgot that i don't really like eating fruit on its own though, and Kyu is incapable of eating an entire cluster of bananas before they go soft and brown. so i figured i'd look up recipes to bake with them and the berries so they're not wasted. not thinking it through i googled "fruity muffin awesome" and was surprised to actually end up with muffin recipes. xD so yeah, baking will happen soon around here i guess.. blackberry muffins and banana bread.

in other news, Kyu's kidney stones flared up again. Wednesday involved a hospital trip, and Thursday was laying in bed feeling like death until Wolfie could take me to pick up Kyu's prescriptions. he's not recovered yet, but with the hydrocodone he's not feeling so upset about it. maybe this time we'll actually follow the dietary guidelines he's been told about for more than like a month and we can minimize the odds of a flareup happening again.

today i finally finished my Christmas preparation though. i got the tree set up and the ornaments put on it. the gifts are wrapped neatly and labeled, placed under the tree for another two days. xD i also finished the painting for Moose, we're exchanging art this year. no pictures yet, but the one i did for her is titled "Moose-splosion" and i'm pretty pleased with it. xD i also have the painting i'm giving to Poppa put aside so i remember to bring it to him Sunday.

i have been dealing with a minor allergic reaction though. yesterday Moose picked me up so we could do my hair and i ate a bowl of cereal at her place. a few bites in i realized it had almond slivers in it. while i'm sure i picked out most of them, a few made it through, and there was powdery residue in the milk so i'm dealing with an itchy semi-swollen throat today, and mild nausea. it could be far worse though, and it has been, so i'm taking comfort in my capacity to speak and eat.

but yeah, in summary this week's first half was uneventful, and the second half has been plenty exciting. kinda sick but not really, and getting better already. hair re-greened and a new self-portrait done. xD whoo!

State of the Neko address: week 96

2011-12-20T00:53:00.002-06:00

song+ As The World Falls Down- David Bowie -Labyrinth
book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ getting my hair green again
upper+ i have the best boyfriend in the history of ever
downer+ Kyu's feeling down
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ root beer float

another week, another post. while i'm doing better at not waiting until Friday, i'm aiming to maybe actually hit Monday next week. i'm only off by a few hours this time! xD still feeling fantastic and beyond thrilled not to be wallowing in gloom for the foreseeable future.

so basically the catalyst for my not being a depressed gloomy-butt for the rest of eternity is that Kyu managed to get in touch with Umi for a (very brief) exchange a week and some ago. i didn't talk about it last week as there was still a chance that it would continue. it didn't so now i can talk of it without feeling like im jinxing something. i feel better than i have in YEARS.

for the unaware- i hadn't heard from her in about 6 years, and no efforts of mine were the slightest bit successful in reaching her again. Kyu had one avenue available to him that i didn't, and because he loves me and was willing to try anything to bring me happiness, he used it and exchanged a few messages with her before she vanished off the face of the earth again. there's still tons i want to say, and Kyu needs to say, but i heard what i needed to hear: she's moved on and i can too.

i feel free again, and while this renewed sense of abandonment has driven Kyu to new lows, his moods are improving already. he's better this week than he was last week. i'm even more in love with him now than i was two weeks ago, and i want him to be happy again. i'm certain that he will be though before too much longer. he's come around to the "damned if i'll be anyone's backup choice" mentality and that's made letting go of his residual feelings easier. it feels to him like we were being kept on a line as a backup in case the life she's been building fell apart, and we deserve better.

i want Umi to be happy, and if marrying the guy she's been dating since she dropped off the face of the planet (to us at least) makes her happy then i'm all for it. i'm doing better knowing that she doesn't need me, so i don't have to feel bad for growing beyond needing her. i'll probably always love her a little bit, just because she was such a major part of a hugely traumatic part of my life, but i'm not letting that residual affection control me any more.

other than the new sense of freedom, i'm focusing on Christmas. i didn't realize how close it was, so i need to wrap the gifts this week, and set up our tree. xD i do have to figure out what we're doing for Christmas this year actually. i think that Kyu's promised at Grandpa's which is possibly the same time as the family gathering at Bonnie's which i kinda promised i'd attend. i've got until this weekend to figure it out though, so we'll see what we end up doing.

sometime this week i'm hoping Moose will be able to help me dye my hair green again too. now that the semester's over the time that was being used for her classes should be free. i found the bleach, so really all that's missing is a few hours and a little green dye. xD i have two partial bottles, but as they're not the same shade, i think i'll still need to buy a new one.. i did cut my hair last week, partly as a symbolic letting go of who i was forcing myself to be, and partly to push myself into more human behavioral patterns. so it won't take nearly as much dye to got the job done, but i think it'll still take slightly more than i have on-hand. i really miss having green hair, it felt entirely true to me, and actually worked pretty well with my skin tone, so i'm hoping to be back to it by Christmas.

also, i've done some dolling in anticipation of my new (old) hair color.

summer clothes, and two outfits i'm contemplating for this Christmas.

State of the Neko address: week 95

2011-12-14T21:29:00.001-06:00

song+ Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again- Glee
book+ DQ4 guide
quest+ Christmas shopping
upper+ feeling much better
downer+ running out of time to finish Christmas prep
attire+ pajama shorts and a tank
drink+ Kiwi Strawberry Snapple

so a little late again this week, but it's not depression-based this time. my keyboard died and today i got a replacement and i'm once again capable of typing. xD

so this week i'm feeling far better than i have in a really long time. Kyu did something for me last weekend, the specifics of which i'm not ready to disclose yet, but the results (so far) have brought me more happiness than i've really felt in a long time. i'm not gonna say anything so foolish as i'm all better and life is sunshine and rainbows, but it seems perfectly fair to say that the skies have cleared and i can feel sunlight again. the haze of grey is lifting and colors are vibrant again, and that's a wonderful feeling.

i'm still waiting on Moose having free time to finish up my Christmas shopping. Wolfie can't keep a secret, and i don't want Kyu to know what i'm getting him. finals are done this week though, so either this weekend or sometime next week we should be set to go shopping for the tings i've got in mind. fortunately i'm not trying for anything limited, i just need to get to the art store to pull together the overall theme.

i'll probably get our tree (such as it is) set up and bedecked in our ornaments this weekend and work on wrapping the gift-y things that have already been brought home.. not my presents, since i prefer to be surprised, but pretty much everything else. xD i'm also gonna see what i can figure out for stocking stuffers, since that's not something that ever occurs to Kyu. it's possible to do it pretty cheaply though, so it should be simple enough.

but yeah, basically i'm feeling much better and i thought i should let everyone know. xD

State of the Neko address: week 94

2011-12-09T20:18:00.001-06:00

song+ Light Up the World- Glee cast (S2 finale)
book+ Bridal quartet- Nora Roberts
quest+ getting my hair dyed soon
upper+ um, yay candy?
downer+ manic-depressed. yo.
attire+ khakis and a black button-up shirt
drink+ sprite

i meant to post much sooner this week, but i find myself without any clue when it is or what day most of the time lately. everything's been kinda foggy.

i suppose the most exciting/productive thing i've done this week is watching the entirety of Glee (that's two and a half seasons) in three days. i decided to give it a shot after all, as the main thing holding me back was Kyu's request that i not get into it. since he decided he just didn't care, i figured hey, why not? and yeah, i'm all caught up. twice.

i cut my hair when i woke up this morning, in an effort to shake things up. i don't think it worked, but about half the length is gone now. it's still a little past my shoulders, but it's still much shorter. i think i wanna go back to having green hair. i really miss it, i felt more like myself when my hair was green. it didn't feel strange or unnatural to me at all. the upkeep of bleaching and dying my roots as they grew out was a little annoying, but i'd rather go back to that than just feeling so fake all the time. it might not get done this weekend, but i want it done by Christmas for sure. i think i still have bleach, but i'll need more hair color before anything can really be done.

i need to get Moose to take me shopping soon, that way we can take care of my hair, and also Christmas shopping for our boys so they can be surprised. i have ideas that aren't quite set in stone, but are good, and i have funds for what i've outlined mentally, i just need a ride and an objective (but informed) second opinion, so i'm really just waiting for her to have some free time.

State of the Neko address: week 93

2011-12-02T09:45:00.000-06:00

song+ Rumour Has It/Someone Like You- Glee cast
book+ Carolina Moon- Nora Roberts
quest+ figuring out Christmas gifts
upper+ i'm not really wrathful anymore
downer+ i'm out of canvas & still not really happy
attire+ pajamas, i haven't gotten dressed in nearly a week
drink+ milk

i don't know how it came to be Friday already, i spent most of yesterday thinking it was only Tuesday or something. this week managed to get away from me. i've found myself (no matter what else i mean to be doing) listening to the Glee mashup of Adele's Rumour Has It & Someone Like You. i've never watched Glee before, but i do think that i actually prefer the performance of the two together to the real singles. it's just fantastic, i'll even include here it so nobody has to try and look for it.

i know that there are other things that i should be devoting my efforts (such as they presently are) to, but i can't think of what they could be. i'm apparently past the rage-at-everything part of depression, but now i seem to be in that aimless everything-is-foggy-and-indistinct phase of it. i've pretty much been playing the Youtube version of the song every 5 minutes, reading when my attention can be held long enough, and sleeping the rest of the time. i'm also wasting hours at a time with Facebook games. i've remembered to walk Harley, but really that doesn't take much cognitive processing, she's pretty vocal about when it's time to go outside. i feel like a zombie.

this is the worst part of being depressed for me, when i can't manage to make myself give a damn about anything at all. X.x there's stuff going on that i should be thinking about, or trying for, and while i maintain the awareness that i should be doing.. i'm just not caring. there's nothing i can really do to get past it, i just have to wait for it to run its course. i can only hope it decides to pass swiftly this time, though it's never taken my preference into account before. i just hope to feel vaguely human again by Christmas.

State of the Neko address: week 92

2011-11-25T11:34:00.001-06:00

this week i'm having too much fun with Rory for a real post. sorry. xD

Halloween doll meet photos

2011-11-18T10:57:00.001-06:00

it's about a month after the fact, but i have the pictures i took at the Halloween doll meet now. xD it took until now for my SD card to decide to play nice with my computer. i took Althea and Amelia (in no costumes, but new clothes none the less) after finally painting them up, and FaithAnn dressed as the big bad wolf to coordinate with mom's Charity being dressed as red riding hood.

that's all this post is for though, pictures that i meant to share a month ago. xD

State of the Neko address: week 91, part 2

2011-11-17T09:56:00.000-06:00

song+ listening to the Aw Yeah Podcast
book+ nothing presently
quest+ getting the office ready for Roro
upper+ i'm painting successfully
downer+ everything? X.x
attire+ winter pajamas
drink+ milk

i wanna thank everyone i've managed to talk to this week, you've all been helpful in pulling myself from the funk i'm fighting off.yesterday i reached my biggest leap toward feeling normal again. Sunday i'd texted Moose asking if we could hang out sometime this week, and yesterday was the best day for her, so we did errands and met up with Kayla and then Eric and all had lunch together and enjoyed talking. after that was done i went home with Moose and Eric and we just talked on the couch while he did homework for his music class. by the time i made it home at 6-ish, i was feeling better, and i had ideas for paintings to work on, so i did that while listening to my iPod, or talking to Roro when he called me.

i don't feel normal again yet, but i do feel lighter, and today i'm still feeling motivated, so i'm about to get back to the painting that i left undone when sleepiness claimed me at like 10:30 last night. i'm at three and a half paintings this week, which is kinda astronomical for me. generally i finish one or two and my feelings are expunged and i feel no further desire to paint. i'd say about 98% of my paintings serve as therapy for me, the rest are more "i had a cool idea, can i pull it off?". i suppose there's a possibility that i'll just keep painting until i run out of canvases, at this point that's not really very many more.

really i should be working on clearing out space for Roro in the office, but not feeling depressed seemed more important to me. also Kyu has offered to help with the last bit after work tonight, so i get painting time leading up to that. xD i also need to figure out which box has my high school transcript in it so i can finish up the college application process. i know it's up there in one of the boxes, i think one of the half-packed boxes, i just have to get around to finding it.

State of the Neko address: week 91 (gloom)

2011-11-14T06:55:00.000-06:00

song+ Bach/Break- August Rush
book+ FFXIII guide as i work on 100% completion
quest+ not feeling like i do
upper+ umm.. i have plenty of milk?
downer+ being unable to shake this gloom
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ milk

i'm miserably unhappy. the lengths i've gone to thus far to combat my mounting depression seem fruitless.i still feel myself slipping constantly, and now i'm teetering on the rink of that part of depression that's almost entirely rage. i find myself angry with people i haven't spoken to in nearly a decade, remembering sleights i thought i'd moved beyond in the few relationships i do maintain. i'm angry at myself for handling things as i have, and with the universe for giving me so much to handle, though i really do believe we're never given more than we're capable of handling. i'm terrified that when my life ends i'll never have touched another in a meaningful (non-family) way.

i'm at a point where i'm angry and frustrated and i don't even know who i'm meant to be. to my mind, Anne is who i was born as, and for the most part she was miserable and lonely and not a great person to be around. she hated everything and blamed everyone for her unhappiness. there are parts of who i used to be that i cut off ruthlessly when i felt like Anne no longer deserved to exist. i taught myself not to cry or show other outward signs of weakness (and sadly i've yet to shake this, maybe cheering up would be easier if i could have a good cry). i learned to share parts of what i was feeling to foster relationships with other people (which has always been terrifyingly difficult for me) though listening to their issues has always been easy. i have no lack of compassion for other people, it's just really hard to open up and trust them. Faythe is who i chose to grow into, she's a stronger person, more capable of accepting responsibility and trying for the things she wants. the shift from Anne to Faythe happened when i was in junior high and my world was ending anyway. i thought to myself that if i had to rebuild my world, i might as well rebuild myself at the same time. when i became Faythe i found myself with more than two legitimate friends for the first time, it was amazing (if short-lived) and such immediately apparent results made the efforts worth it. by the time i was done with high school i was pretty firmly established as Faythe in most of my relationships. Neko is the shape of my soul, all my creative impulses and my deepest emotions, the things that are mine alone and untouched by others. very few people have seen that part of me because i feel a fierce need to keep her safe.

my problem now is i don't really feel like any of those people, i feel like a blobby shapeless mass of nothing. if i can't even figure out who i'm meant to be, how am i supposed to figure out how to make myself happy? Kyu suggested that maybe i should go back to church. ordinarily if someone was floundering and seeking direction in their life i'd say the same. finding strength in your belief works most of the time based on observation and experience. the thing is, i don't have a church. oh i was raised LDS/Mormon sure, but i don't identify with it. i have a firm grasp of the core belief structure, and a respect for the tons of people i know that live it in their everyday lives, but it never quite felt right for me. i looked elsewhere for the answers that faith couldn't provide me and i'm now content with my own mish-mash of unofficial anything. i don't follow a standard pattern of worship, but what i do feels comfortable to me, and that's all i want out of my faith- comfort. that leaves me with no person to person interaction though, no fellowship. pretty much all i can do for direction is pray and consult my tarot deck, which i do, but there's always that margin of hopeful thinking in my interpretation of the cards. it's really not the same as a second opinion from a tangible other person.

i don't want to be angry and unhappy anymore, i just don't know how to fix it. i've tried pretty much everything at this point.. except tracking down the people i'm angry at but not in regular contact with. i really don't see how spilling my misery and rage all over them out of nowhere would make anything better though. of the three best friends i ever had, the only one i'm not angry with is the first. i did carry some resentment for a while over misunderstandings and imagined sleights, but i got past that a few years ago when we reconnected, and i was beyond thrilled for her when she got married this year. best friend 2, i'm pissed at the wreck that our relationship became. yes, i made some mistakes, but not the ones she told everyone i did. i also didn't deserve the duplicity and backstabbing when i did try to be her friend again toward the end of high school. i've had numerous signs from the universe in the last year that maybe we should reconnect, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to, and trying now would make things worse (if that's at all possible). i need to be at a place where i can honestly tell her the mistakes i did make, and clarify the misunderstandings that grew into an enormous drama ball that colored 3 years of schooling negatively. and best friend 3? she ripped my heart out when she vanished into thin air and i just stopped existing to her. i'm pissed about being abandoned and i just want some freakin' closure there. i wanna know how much of that friendship was lies and convenience, because you just don't treat people like she did me in the end. it's not right. i did everything i could to try and maintain that friendship, things that were FAR outside my comfort zone, and when i was no longer worth anything at all she dropped off the face of the planet. i've been wondering for 4 years now if she's okay, if something happened or if i just meant less than i thought i did to her. i'm kinda pissed at myself for still loving her enough to worry.

State of the Neko address: week 90

2011-11-09T08:05:00.000-06:00

song+ the Last Song- All-American Rejects- All-American Rejects
book+ the Next Always- Nora Roberts
quest+ preparing the office for Roro's visit
upper+ it's mostly organization left to do
downer+ feeling overwhelmingly blah
attire+ pajamas, a hoodie, and fluffy socks
drink+ water

man, how is it Wednesday already? i've been distracted again. after ignoring it for a year, i finally finished my FF13 save file. at least i finished story mode, i'm now working on all the side quests. xD i suppose i finished it right in time to get excited about FF13-2, which is due to come out in January.. maybe by then i'll be able to afford to buy it.

i kinda feel like i should have something notable to say, but i don't. haven't for a while really. i'm feeling kinda blah and out of sorts as i fight looming depression off. i'm working on getting the apartment ready for Roro's Thanksgiving visit, but mostly i find myself thinking "do i really wanna do ANYTHING?" on a pretty much daily basis. like today it's too chilly for me to wanna do anything outside, and i'm wanting a break from controller-induced hand cramps, so i think i'm gonna put on some fluffy socks and curl up in bed with a stack of books. i have one new one on the kindle, then after that i'll just re-read some of the zillions i have on various shelving units around the apartment. okay, i'll admit zillions is a bit of hyperbole, but i do have plenty to choose from.

State of the Neko address: week 89

2011-11-03T20:17:00.000-05:00

song+ Whiplash- Selena Gomez & the Scene- When the Sun Goes Down
book+ research for various projects
quest+ uh finishing my TK army list?
upper+ Thanksgiving is approaching!
downer+ Halloween has passed (it's totally my favorite holiday like ever)
attire+ pajamas. the warm ones
drink+ water

so i'm late with posting this week. i've been distracted by everything ever. this week has had book reading (more research than pleasure), tv episode marathons (30 Rock), completing Final Fantasy 3, and getting halfway through Final Fantasy 4. plus actual socializing! xD on Halloween i actually attended a party for an hour or two, and since my friend Krista works at the dentist literally right across the street from my apartment complex, i've been spending the hour between her getting off work (at 5) and being picked up (at 6 when her fiance arrives) with her most days. i keep meaning to share something, but nothing has really happened that seems worth sharing. X.x

i've been really wanting to play some of my PS2 games lately, so i'm frustrated that it died almost a year ago. the spinny thing stopped spinning and the reader fritzed at the same time, so yeah, no gaming on that for Neko. *sigh* i've wanted to play Dragon Quest 8 for months now, and only recently i was struck with the inexplicable urge to play Blitzball in Final Fantasy 10. i've always hated it before, but for some reason i wanna craft a competitive team now and finally figure it out. for those that never played FFX, Blitzball is kinda a hybrid hockey/soccer game that's played by teams of 6 swimmers entirely underwater. it's hard to pick up and for someone who just wants to play the story of the game, the one time you're forced to blitz, you grow to loathe it and become disinclined to try it ever again. for some reason i now think i want to though? ..but i can't because my PS2 is dead and i have no funds to get it repaired or replaced.

so yeah, things have been pretty boring around here..

State of the Neko address: week 88

2011-10-26T13:59:00.000-05:00

song+ Hollywood- Michael Buble- Crazy Love
book+ Percy Jackson- Sea of Monsters
quest+ costuming for my dolls
upper+ Halloween is coming (possibly my favorite holiday)
downer+ time crunch for costumes
attire+ pajamas. word. (i don't get dressed unless i have to anymore)
drink+ Birthday milk (i was gifted a gallon of it, i have awesome friends)

so i meant to get this out earlier this week, but Monday i was sidetracked by everyone i've ever met sending me birthday wishes (this isn't a complaint about that either) and then dinner/breakfast with mom. yesterday i spent the morning playing Mario 64 DS and then all evening our internet was randomly down for some unknown reason, so it's Wednesday on the week of my birthday, and that puts us a little less than half a week to Halloween and i have no costume ideas for myself or the dolls, and invitations to multiple events that should involve them. xD and so it's out there and said, my birthday was great, and i love the presents i got.

for me i do have backup nerd costumes, but most of them are warm weather Con costumes, not chilly-ish October dress up things. and las year i cobbled together doll costumes from things i had lying around, but that's less fun than an actual costume. i'll probably work on doll costumes this week so i can dress one or two dolls up (depending on sizing) for the meetup this Saturday i'll be hitting with mom. so far as i know she's got something planned for the newest one of hers, but i'm thinking of going bigger for mine. i think i have an idea for Eve, but since it's pretty much entirely PITA materials, i'm gonna see how it turns out before i say much else. xD i also have to find them since i think i packed them away in my office-binge-cleaning. dang.

anyhow, i've got a lot to get done before this weekend, so i think this post is pretty much done.

i kinda feel like this deserves its own title

2011-10-22T10:18:00.002-05:00

song+ Sparks Fly- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ nothing
quest+ assembling my Tomb King army
upper+ i have plenty of art things for the moment
downer+ nothing i can identify (which kinda makes it worse)
attire+ pajamas. word.
drink+ water

i'm trying to fight off a crushing wave of depression, but i can feel it overpowering me. i should be sleeping now, i didn't get to bed until 3am.. i woke up at 7:30.

understand that several years ago i was diagnosed manic-depressive (and several other things too) and this basically means there's a chemical imbalance in my mind that has good moods ebbing and flowing, regardless of external factors. while it's technically the same condition, i'm not considered bi-polar like Kyu is. his mood swings are instant, here and gone in moments and generally triggered by something incidental, mine are more subtle, to the degree that i frequently don't feel myself slipping until i find myself scrambling for purchase to climb back up a mountain. so basically, there's nothing i can do to prevent becoming depressed or melancholy, but i do everything i can to kick-start the climb back to human when i do fall.

now i can feel it, which means i'm already pretty far down, and i'm trying to work my way back to normal, but none of my usual efforts are producing any results. i've tried channeling it into multiple art projects; painting, sewing, design work, sculpting. it's slowly turning out decent work, but my mood isn't improving. i can't talk it out either. the attempts i've made to do so have left me angry (at my helplessness primarily), and they generally trigger a crash in Kyu's mood with matching rage-fit.. so talking it out like this seemed the next logical step.

the thing is, while i understand that there are things wrong with me, as diagnosed by a doctor, i try to use that knowledge to live as close to normal as i can. i loathe those people who use clinical diagnosis as a crutch to do less and be less. sometimes i wonder how close i'm getting to that knowing-and-compensating vs knowing-and-excusing line. the easiest example is ADD or ADHD. i'm ADHD, and i know plenty of others who are and manage to live reasonably productive lives on and off medication. i know it makes parenting harder, but that doesn't mean you just let your kid do whatever and write it off as a byproduct, enforcing discipline is part of parenting. trouble paying attention never drove me to wrecking a whole classroom's learning experience, i just doodled and retreated into my mind. conversely, there are some parents that drug their ADD kids to a near comatose level so they don't have to deal, and that's not the solution either.

i think my biggest issue, worse than the roller coaster moods, is my Social Anxiety Disorder. basically, i'm cripplingly shy, it affects every day of my life. the thought of talking to a stranger, or even someone i know but not closely, has paralyzed me before. even with family, i retreat more often than i offer companionship. it's easier to contact Roro or moose than anyone else, but even then, i sometimes have to push myself. Jenni's been married for nearly a decade now and it wasn't until this year i actually managed to initiate conversation with EITHER of her daughters, and carry it on for more than a few sentences. i clutch when i have to call someone, even Kyu. i can answer a phone, and carry on a (reasonably) intelligent conversation, but there's a 90% chance i'll have a mini-meltdown after hanging up. phones terrify me, most of my coping mechanisms regarding human relationships were developed for face to face contact, and on the phone that's all useless and i worry that someone will see through the falsehoods to my weaknesses. even understanding that my fears are irrational, i can't really seem to overcome them. i manage posts like this every so often, because even though i'm generally aware of who will read it, the internet carries a safety blanket in an illusion of anonymity. plus i have time to go over and rework what i say so i don't inadvertently share more than i'm prepared to.

i'm a proponent of honesty in relationships. i think if you tell the truth, there's a chance of momentary hurt feelings, but overall the lack of wondering about deception keeps things healthier. this includes, in my mind at least, not making promises if you're unsure of a capacity to keep them. "i'll never hurt you" is the easiest lie to tell. most of the time you don't intend to hurt someone, but you can never control how someone else will react to you. with all this said, i don't think keeping a secret is the same as lying, and with my difficulty opening up to people, i have a lot of secrets. they're not even all important, sometimes just things that i don't think need mentioning since doing so would involve psyching myself up to call someone. i've been with Kyu in our dating relationship slightly longer than Jenni's been married, and we were friends before that. even after knowing me pretty closely for a decade, there are things i haven't told him. he knows important things, and trivial things, and if i'm gonna share something it's easiest with him, because i feel like we fit, but there are things he doesn't know. some of the things that shaped me into who i am are things i don't talk about to anyone. some are relatively common knowledge (even if i didn't want anyone to know initially) like the thing that pretty much defined my jr high years and screwed all my relationships up for a few years.

oddly, i've discovered that my reluctance to share my own secrets has made me a lightning rod of a secret keeper for other people. i was the first person Naku came out to, followed years later by the family and Significant Other. i knew about Rory's gender dysphoria and transition probably before anyone else, even before Rory knew there was a term for the feeling of dis-belonging, or not-fitting right in his own body. i was one of the only people initially told when Moose was assaulted, because i knew what it felt like to want to shroud yourself in the pain to heal alone, especially when too much time had passed to do anything legally. and several more from various people that have yet to be shared with anyone else. i know what it's like to confess a closely guarded secret and be judged as a lesser person because of it, it's like being told that you're flawed and imperfect and unworthy of love. worse is to talk about being a victim and be blamed for instigating the situation. because i know those feelings intimately, i'm a pretty safe confessor. i sometimes find myself saddened that listening to other people's secrets is about as intimate as my relationships get, and my role is almost entirely passive. no more interaction than a journal, but with less risk of someone sneaking in to read it.

State of the Neko address: week 87

2011-10-17T15:20:00.002-05:00

song+ Great DJ- the Ting Tings- We Started Nothing
book+ Heroes of Olympus (book2) the Son of Neptune
quest+ DQ9 perfect game file
upper+ Footloose was really good!
downer+ the concert didn't happen *sigh*
attire+ pajamas
drink+ AriZona Strawberry Kiwi juice

the last week didn't turn out quite how i expected it to. as you're likely all aware, i was REALLY excited about the Hanson concert. Rose had asked off work early so she could go with me, and i'd invited Ashley and Kayla along. Kayla told me that if there was a Ranger game she'd have to work Saturday, so that didn't happen, and on friday Ashley decided that since she didn't really know any of the songs by them, she'd rather spend time with me otherwise, so we agreed to meet for lunch before i was set to leave with Rose. lunch went well, i had an awesome time, but after i got home while i was looking up directions to the fairgrounds, i saw a notice stating that the concert was canceled due to illness within the band. pretty sad, but it happens, so i called Rose and we rearranged our day of awesome by heading out to the nearly-dead mall with its super-cheap theater and seeing Footloose. after that we browsed the Dillards clearance center (i think the only open store in that mall) then headed to Sonic for food. at Sonic we got a message from Jenni that she wanted to see Footloose too, so we said find another showing, it was good enough to watch again! xD so we saw it again at the expensive theater in the good mall. xD it was really good. in some ways better than the original, i think. not by miles or anything, but it cut out the drama!bits and shifted around a few details to make things flow better. the biggest change (Ren's mother being dead in this version) actually serves to make the most "okay what?" moments from the original actually make sense in this one. i very much enjoyed it.

my Sunday was spent working on a modification to a toy i got in a blind-packed box while trying for another. tokidoki does these cute designer toys where there's a few designs and you don't know which one you'll get when you open it, but that mystery makes you wanna keep trying. i ended up with this rasta-unicorn(pegasus) while trying for the cute rainbow one from my Thor tee-shirt (see below), which i did end up with eventually. since i have no interest in a rasta-corn, i spent Sunday alternating between modding it onto something cuter, and looking at houses i can't possibly afford to live in online. xD the good news is i found Kyu's dream home, the bad news is it's like 2 million bucks. i'll be sure to get right on that whole becoming a multi-millionaire thing.

for the conversion, i cut off all the dreadlocks and fluffed up the tail and gave her short curly hair, that started to resemble snakes halfway through, so i went with it and made myself an equine gorgon. i think i'm gonna call her Maddie. xD she's still in the 24hour curing stage of working with grey stuff, but i should have her re-painted and ready for finished pictures later this week. xD i plan to do her flesh in a rusty bronze, with green hair and either onyx or pearl hooves and horn. the in-progress pictures are blurry, but i'll do better when she's done. xD i dunno if you can tell, but over one ear i actually gave her a little snakey companion.. i think it's cute.

State of the Neko address: week 86

2011-10-11T20:27:00.002-05:00

song+ Penny & Me- Hanson- Underneath
book+ DQ9 strategy guide
quest+ DQ9 perfect game file
upper+ the concert is in a few days! yay! xD
downer+ a few iffy spots on my arm will need touch-up work
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

time kinda got away from me again this week. no good excuse, i was just really involved in my playing of DQ9. i'm working on a perfect game file.. it's taking a while. xD this means fighting every enemy at least once, finishing every quest offered, and collecting one of every item. it's much harder than you'd think. i've been working on it for a week and some and i'm at maybe 80% completion.

i'm looking forward to the Hanson concert this weekend, it'll be me, Moose, Ashley, and maybe Kayla (if she doesn't have to work) and it's gonna be awesome. i'm SO excited about it that i've been trying to get everyone to listen to my favorite tracks to get them to understand why i'm so excited. xD it hasn't worked so far, but that's hardly deterring me. for the record the 10 tracks (& their origin albums) i suggest trying out to form an opinion post-MmmBop are the following:
Penny & Me (Underneath)
Give A Little (Shout It Out)
Strong Enough to Break (Underneath)
Musical Ride (Shout It Out)
Blue Sky (the Walk)
Thinkin' Bout Something (Shout It Out)
Lost Without Each Other (Underneath)
Running Man (the Walk)
Carry You There (Shout It Out)
Tearing It Down (the Walk)
seriously, try these tracks out (like on YouTube or whatever if you're not ready to commit to buying them) and then make up your mind about the band. a lot changes over 15 years of songwriting. xD the last three albums have been absolutely phenomenal, and i'm just really really happy to be going to see them in a few days. my favorite album changes based on my mood, but by far my favorite track overall remains Penny & Me, which is why it's at the top of the recommendation list.

my music tattoo is healing pretty well. there's a few spots that'll need to be touched up, but i'm overall very happy with it. anyhow, for those who somehow missed it one Facebook, i have a picture of it shortly after it was completed, and when the healing is done i'll take another one of it. it's blurry because the camera it was taken with was accidentally sat on and with the screen blackened Kyu couldn't see to focus it properly. xD any pictures i took now (with my camera) would be clear, but would have scabbing and that doesn't make it look very awesome. as a bonus though, i do have a picture of the design drawing i did that became the stencil for it. i suppose this is also proof for people that think it's a script used for the letters and not my handwriting. the bars got left out of the tattoo for fear of blurring and just looking generally icky, but on the sketch you can actually tell where the notes are and hum Zelda's Lullaby to yourself, if you're so inclined. xD these are sized more or less to scale too.

State of the Neko address: week 85

2011-10-04T16:57:00.002-05:00

song+ Blue Sky- Hanson- the Walk
book+ DQ9 strategy guide
quest+ cleaning, arcana project, being emotionally supportive to Kyu
upper+ i'm having fun with DQ9
downer+ feeling strange lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

so this is late, but yesterday i was distracted by video games, and really i don't have much to talk about. this weekend Kyu went back to the tattoo shop. it was a slow one, but that's okay. tonight i should be heading up to the shop (after Kyu gets home from job1) to have Vance do my music tattoo. there's a slight chance of things happening differently, but i'm optimistic about it getting done tonight.

i've been really cold lately, like when it's a normally-comfortable temperature in the apartment. my hands and feet have been freezing pretty much perpetually for a few weeks now, so since Vance keeps the shop REALLY cold, i think i'll take up my hoodie so i don't freeze tonight. Saturday i didn't really think it through and i wore a tank, i was shivering off and on, heading outside to warm up at 1am (not by myself, don't worry). last night i even tried to sleep with socks on to see if it'd help keep my feet warm, the answer is no. they fell off and my feet remained cold. xD the only upside is surprising/torturing people by putting my frozen fingers on their necks and hearing them shriek indignantly as i ask "do my hands feel cold to you?" it never gets old.

progress on the arcana design project is still stalled. i did one last week, but ended up dissatisfied with it, so i pretty much have to do it again from scratch. the others i'm still fine with when i look them over, but this most recent one is really just terrible in comparison, and doesn't really suit the thematic concept either, so it'll be redone. ..just not today. xD

thirty gaming questions answered (some with pictures)

2011-09-27T21:48:00.002-05:00

okay, Kyu found this and figured it's something that i'd really enjoy doing, so he passed it along. i realize that a lot of you aren't really gamers, but i am- so i'm totally embracing this. i am condensing it to one post though to make it marginally easier on all of you.

1: Very first video game.
the first i remember are Super Mario Brothers 3, and Dragon Quest/Warrior on the NES
2: Your favorite character.
Luigi, i adore the gangly coward
3: A game that is underrated.
Myst (PC)
4: Your guilty pleasure game.
Pokemon. or Harvest Moon- which i tend to abandon before much happens, it's just fun to run a farm into the ground in a matter of days. without needing a social network to play.
5: Game character you feel you are most like (or wish you were).
Luigi. kinda easily spooked, and on the lazy side, but i get things done when they matter, and i don't let people mess with my family.
6: Most annoying character.
Navi from Ocarina of Time. Aeris from Final Fantasy 7.
7: Favorite game couple.
Mario/Peach
8: Best soundtrack.
Zelda as a franchise.. which explains my efforts to design a Zelda's Lullaby music appreciation tattoo
9: Saddest game scene.
in Dragon Quest 4 (DS) when your hero's best friend transforms into your doppelganger and goes to die in your place and you read the dialog as the monster army slaughters her off-screen and you're unable to move at all until they leave the scene of the crime. you emerge from the hidden basement to see the once idyllic villi age decimated, heaps of rubble and poisonous swampy puddles mar the landscape and you have to leave the only home you've ever known as your journey begins.
10: Best gameplay.
Zelda: Phantom Hourglass worked particularly well with the DS touch controls
11: Gaming system of choice.
Nintendo DS. it's just so convenient!
12: A game everyone should play.
Dance Central on Xbox 360's Kinect peripheral. it's astoundingly fun and impossible to fail. it's possible to do badly, but you can't actually fail out of a song.
13: A game you’ve played more than five times.
Dragon Quest 4. Pokemon (most of them actually, but Ruby/Sapphire in particular).
14: Current (or most recent) gaming wallpaper.
cutesy FF13 fan art of the characters in their vehicles

15: Post a screenshot from the game you’re playing right now.
Dragon Quest 6 (DS)

16: Game with the best cut scenes.
best-integrated visually? Blue Dragon (360). most emotionally impressive? FF13 (360). most amusing? Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story (DS)
17: Favorite antagonist.
Bowser (playable in the aforementioned M&L:BIS
18: Favorite protagonist.
Luigi/Link
19: Picture of a game setting you wish you lived in.
Lego Batman (360)

20: Favorite genre.
RPG/Adventure. battle-parties, Mario & Zelda are my mainstays
21: Game with the best story.
Dragon Quest 8 (PS2) is nice in that it gives you more story if you put more into it. there's levels of story you can get from it that are entirely hidden if you just push though blindly, exploring the world makes the whole thing SO much deeper.
22: A game sequel which disappointed you.
i suppose comparatively speaking since Final Fantasy 2 is the only one i don't like it could count, but it's not a sequel strictly speaking. more accurately FF12: Revenant Wings wasn't great. i still prefer it to some other games though.
23: Game you think had the best graphics or art style.
Zelda as a franchise has innovated the medium time and again. i adore Wind Waker/ Phantom Hourglass/ Spirit Tracks and Minish Cap- the cute cel-shaded cartoony look of them is fantastic. the painted impressionistic design being used for Skyward Sword looks fantastic too though.
24: Favorite classic game.
Super Mario World (SNES)
25: A game you plan on playing.
Zelda Skyward Sword (Wii)/ Ocarina of Time (3DS)
26: Best voice acting.
most of my games don't have voice acting.. i suppose Kingdom Hearts? (PS2)
27: Most epic scene ever.
most of God of War (PS2) feels like this the first time you see it. for sure the Chernobog fight in Kingdom Hearts since the Night on Bald Mountain segment of Fantasia used to give me nightmares.
28: Favorite game developer.
umm.. i have a few. publisher would be Square/Enix or Nintendo. developer.. i don't really know? Arte Piazza did great with the DS versions of the DQ games, basically the groups that put out the games i play most.
29: A game you thought you wouldn’t like, but ended up loving.
the Shin Megami Tensei games, which Kyu initially bought. they seemed a bit dark for me at first, but ended up a little more optimistic than first impressions would suggest.. kinda like a demonic version of Pokemon.
30: Your favorite game of all time.
Dragon Quest 4.

State of the Neko address: week 84, part 2

2011-09-27T07:18:00.001-05:00

song+ Science and Faith- the Script- Science and Faith
book+ nothing presently
quest+ working more on the apartment cleaning
upper+ recent drama has been peaceably resolved
downer+ i'm still having trouble working consistently on anything
attire+ pajamas. comfort. word.
drink+ water. i've already hit my milk quota for the first half of the week. *sigh*

(if the tenses in this get squiffy it's because it was drafted from 10:30pm Monday through 7am Tuesday off and on)

okay so, we've returned from the shop (and dinner at mommy2's) and as may already be realized by his Facebook status (for those of you that are his friends) Kyu's decided to finish out his promised year with the shop. as a compromise of sorts, he'll be working less hours. from every day to Thursday-Friday-Saturday, with the realization that he's allowed to take days off for family events. he was never told otherwise, but his obsessive drive to not let anyone down had him working to exhaustion and burning out. the last few weeks having time off to breathe and think has really improved his disposition. at the end of this year we'll see how he feels about continuing to do it in general.

also i'm thinking about having Vance do a tattoo for me. he's offered before, but there's never been anything i really wanted (or a space i'd be willing to put it). now i'm thinking he could do either my music tattoo, or the Zelda one i think i want. or i may combine them into one design, probably for my arm. i'll talk to him this weekend in any case. xD as it is he's talking about me maybe trying to tattoo, or just design flash. i have no ambition for it really, but i'd be okay with selling a collection of the doodles i do for fun. xD as it is i think i'll focus on refining my Zelda/music ideas so i can show them to Vance this weekend to see if he's willing to try any of them out. xD

for some reason our apartment started smelling like burnt marshmallow today. no idea where the smell is coming from, but it's starting to be kinda annoying. X.x i kinda just wish the smell would go away. on the bright side, the smell is curbing my junk-food cravings pretty effectively. whoo. it's hard to want to eat anything at all actually when the whole apartment smells so strongly of burnt sugar. i'm really hoping that the smell goes away soon on its own since we can't figure out where the smell is coming from. the smell's less intense now than it was like 6 yesterday afternoon, so that's good. the only thing that's changed is that we unplugged the microwave. i somehow don't think that's it though.. xD

just so everyone knows, i found a ride for my birthday concert (probably)! Moose is gonna ask off early that day so she can take me and we're gonna have an AMAZING time, i am SO excited about this! though if anyone else wants to go we can still plan to do a group thing, that'd actually be pretty awesome, Kyu just won't be paying for tons of us to go. xD he'll for sure pay for me and Moose, but at one point he said if someone else also wants to he'd pay for three people, possibly four. it's something that can be worked out, if it needs to happen. xD

but yeah, unrelated- i've made it into the beginning of the fifth season of Ace of Cakes. xD it has remained awesome and amusing. i have it playing in the background while i work on other things.

my complete inability to read sheet music has put a substantial wrinkle in my idea to chart Zelda's Lullaby on bars as part of my nerdy/musical potential-tattoo undertaking. i want it depicted accurately enough for someone to be able to play my tattoo if they wanted to. it's relatively obscure on the surface, and subtle enough that it could just be viewed as a music appreciation thing. xD i suppose there's a chance that someone nerdier has already charted it and i'll find it online. it'd be simpler though if i had the capacity to do it myself.

there WAS sheet music of it online! the hard part was finding a simple piano version and not the super brain-explodey mega-complicated orchestral version used by the actual Nintendo orchestra. but yeah, mission accomplished, a piano version was found and successfully transcribed into my design. yay! xD i do think that due to the size required to keep the music notes from being all blobby and smooshed together the only place this design will really fit will be on my forearm. i mean there are plenty of other places it'd fit, but not many that would really look good with my body type, or that i'm willing to try for placement of it. xD i'll definitely be taking the draft i've done for it up to the shop later this week to see what Vance thinks though. if he's in the mood i may even see if he'll do it this Thursday or Friday, who knows? xD

State of the Neko address: week 84

2011-09-26T18:43:00.001-05:00

song+ Science and Faith- the Script- Science and Faith
book+ nothing presently
quest+ finding a companion for the concert
upper+ i'm kinda working again on my project
downer+ it's going pretty slowly
attire+ pajamas. i'm not getting dressed just to hit up the tattoo shop
drink+ milk. yay milk!

so tonight is when Kyu is going up to the tattoo shop for (hopefully) the last time to do a promised tattoo on Vance (the owner of the shop), and to have the "i seriously don't wanna do this anymore, could you please stop calling me?" conversation in person. he's requested i go along as moral support, so i'll be at the tattoo shop tonight. whee. i suppose the upside to losing my night to spending the evening at the shop is that i'll have time to draw and ignore everyone and i may finally make progress on my arcana designs again. i did get one and two thirds done at grandpa's this weekend.. that's one done (High Priestess), and one drawn and inked (Heirophant) waiting for coloring. i'll just go up with my art stuff and iPod and ignore anyone that walks in (and probably some tv) while i hole up in a corner and see how much i can get done. xD it depends on how long we're actually up there really.

i've had an urge to watch my Ace of Cakes DVDs lately, but they got misplaced somehow shortly after mom returned them to me.. like close to two years ago. Kyu thinks i loaned them to Tiff, but since i initially borrowed season one from her (then bought it, two, and three for myself) if i had loaned it to her, i'd still have season one lying around somewhere, right? it's making me crazy, but to get by for now, i just downloaded all ten seasons and i'm working my way through them on my computer. i'm just about through season three, so soon i'll be into the episodes i haven't seen, until i hit like season 8, which was the one on tv when i was watching it enough to buy the DVDs. really though i just wish i knew where they went. there's been a gap in my DVD shelving for like two years now. X.x

random quote of hilarity from Ace of Cakes (S03E08): "King Tut was kinda a lesser pharaoh, he's only a big deal because his tomb wasn't raided." *blank stares* "he was like the Martin VanBuren of pharaohs". *laughter*
..i dunno, it was funny when i heard it. xD

State of the Neko address: week 83

2011-09-19T20:08:00.002-05:00

song+ Musical Ride- Hanson- Shout It Out
book+ Sailor Moon v1 (Kodansha ed)/ DQ6 guide
quest+ sewing and selling my finished tarot arcana designs
upper+ i have material on-hand suitable for most of them
downer+ i don't know if i'll be able to earn enough fast enough
attire+ pajamas. i'm a firm believer in comfort facilitating creativity
drink+ water.. maybe milk in a little while

so the last week hasn't included much productivity on my part, i actually spent most of it re-playing the Zenithian trilogy (4/5/6) of Dragon Quest games. so at least i had fun, and i reaffirmed that DQ4 is easily my favorite game ever. it may only be half as long as 5, and less than a third the length of 6, but it's made of undiluted awesome and i adore it. xD i get other games and i briefly enjoy them, but i have fun every time i play DQ4 and nothing ever manages to dull the shine of it for very long at all.

since i spent the weekend seriously thinking about it and weighing my options, i think i'm gonna see what i can do to make enough money to order Iple Bibiane after all. i want her for Eve's sister- Lilith (mother of all vampires). yeah, she may be released as a standard sculpt later on, but i really want her outfit and rifle/knife set too, so i'm gonna see if i can sell stuff to earn what i'll need for her (see the screen cap of my mock order below). if i do i'll be ordering her for my birthday, since her order period closes the day before it, so that's cool. Kyu wants me to sew up (and sell) the Arcana dresses i already have designed before i draw up any more. he figures if i do that i can easily manage the amount that i need. i just have doubts that i could manage to earn it in time. he could be right, but i'm reluctant to bank on my evident awesome magically pulling in just what i need right in the nick of time. xD Kyu figures that if i can make half of what i need for her by Oct 10 i'll be able to make the other half by the end of the order period, or close enough thereafter to do a short layaway. it's a goal to work toward at least. xD

i suppose that if i'm gonna try for her i should stop playing on my computer and head up to the office to start sewing things to sell. xD there's still a bit to move around so i can work comfortably up there, but i should be ready tomorrow to get to work on it all. whee!

there's one other thing to mention though, and it only applies to the local people, really (because as awesome as it'd be, i don't really see Roro flying down, finagling us a ride, and hitting a concert with me just to fly home after). for my birthday this year all i've told Kyu i want from him is to go to the Oct 15 Hanson concert at the State Fair (that's a Saturday, and it's slated to start at 8:30pm). he's willing to pay my way, and the admission of whoever takes me, but he'd really rather not go himself. he'll admit that their stuff got much better later on, but he'd prefer not to listen to it all the same. does anyone want to take me and enjoy a free concert and my company? i figure if i throw this out there now i'm likely to get a reply in time to actually plan something. xD

State of the Neko address: week 82

2011-09-15T16:08:00.002-05:00

song+ I Do Not Hook Up- Kelly Clarkson- All I Ever Wanted
book+ In the Garden/ DQ5 guide
quest+ finishing my tarot arcana designs
upper+ inspiration has returned!
downer+ i did like.. nothing for the last week
attire+ pajamas
drink+ root beer float of AWESOME

it's late in the week for this. i have no good excuse, inspiration just abandoned me last week after i finished Jenni's paintings. i hadn't thought of a single clever thing, anything at all worth noting or sharing since then until i woke up today with 3/4 of my High Priestess design just sitting in my head waiting for me to notice it.

after waking i took a few moments to scribble what i had for refinement after i walked Harley. xD now that i'm kinda back in the swing of things i do feel much better. fiddling with the remaining details of High Priestess has started sparking ideas for the corresponding Wise One outfit. i think that with the ideas i have percolating getting back on-track this weekend should be relatively simple. yay!

i suppose that i should share other news here too since that's what some of you come for. xD Kyu is officially no longer tattooing. this is his second week of not working two jobs and the change in his mood has been phenomenal! i waited a bit to share the news with everyone because last week Vance (the shop owner) kept trying to convince him to come back for touch ups or to work again, or even to get free work. this week that seems to have stopped after finally communicating his dissatisfaction with tattooing as a career choice. the way the not-doing-it came about influenced his desire to stay not-doing-it too. about two weekends ago Vance told all the apprentices that the shop was closing, then asked Kyu to come by the next day to talk about something secret. the secret wound up being that he wasn't actually closing and just didn't feel up to firing the others directly. X.x that pretty much drove the nail into the coffin of Kyu's desire to do it. he doesn't mind the actual work of tattooing, but he hates the drama and backstabbing in the shops around here, and it's colored his perception of the field to the degree that he has no desire to look for another shop elsewhere in spite of his being really good at it.

i just want him to be happy, and since he's started making noises about wanting to draw comics again, i'm encouraging that. it's been his dream since Superman was killed to draw comics that influence young minds like that one touched him. if he's ready (again) to start trying for that i'm happy for him. it was fear and inconvenience that halted his last effort, combined with dissatisfaction over the direction superhero books were heading, but he's tried harder (far more inconvenient) things in the meantime and the fear has lessened greatly, so he's feeling ready to try again. yay him. it does help that he's realized he'd rather draw a monster book than a cape book. that realization seriously alters his aim heading into things. xD

when he was growing up there wasn't really a market for supernatural books, they'd fallen in sales and been canceled every time they'd been attempted, but Hellboy (then BPRD) really changed that. it made people realize that a monster book didn't have to be a cape book with monsters, it could be crime procedural, or buddy-cop, or historical drama.. any number of things really, now there's actually enough of a market that doing one isn't just for established creators looking for something different. these strange books are actually how some people are making their names. in the last few years more and more non-standard books came out from smaller publishers, and sold well enough to actually finish the initial storyline out. these books were frequently the first books put out by their creators and the successes left them with openings to do MORE. i firmly believe that Kyu is good enough to do the same, if he can just stick with it. he doubts his talent, and his perception of SELF shifts often enough (taking his art style with it) that he discourages himself from thinking he'll ever be able to succeed. X.x since nothing i say to him ever makes a difference i need to say it here. i believe in him.

also, the teaser up for Iple's newest limited girl- the Old West one? she looks stunning and i can't wait to see the whole doll, even though there's better odds of ice-skating in a volcano than being able to order her for myself. xD

State of the Neko address: week 81

2011-09-06T07:44:00.001-05:00

song+ On the Floor- Jennifer Lopez (ft Pitbull)- Love?
book+ the Nora Roberts Brides quartet
quest+ finishing my tarot arcana designs
upper+ inspiration is plentiful
downer+ expected but annoying issues post avocado encounter
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk, my fondest love..

this isn't a Monday post, but seeing as i was delayed by socialization and not laziness i think it's forgivable. xD i spent my Monday with Jenni hanging out and talking and it was great. the only thing close to a smudge on the day was the smidgen of guacamole still in the loaded queso we had for lunch/early afternoon snack. we did remove the generous scoop before mixing up the rest, but it left vague remnants. not enough to leave me in anaphylactic shock, but today my tongue is swollen enough to cause me to lisp and my throat is so raw it hurts to drink anything at all. as breathing is unimpeded i consider the calculated risk worth it. it was damn good queso and conversation. xD

let's see, what else is going on? after my early-Sunday post (that felt like late Saturday to me) i headed upstairs to read for several hours and it occurred to me that even though i showed no other symptoms, the persistent (mild) fever and bouts of chills i'd been dealing with for a few days probably meant i was sick, so figuring a nap would help, i went to sleep something around one on Sunday afternoon and woke up about 7:30 Monday morning. since i felt considerably better i'll assume i needed it. i still feel better aside from the (expected) avocado difficulties. that's kinda what i get for willingly eating something visibly tainted by food i'm allergic to. xD except for lisping and a sore throat i feel fine today though, and i'm looking forward to heading back upstairs in a little while to either plug away on designs for my arcana project or to see what i turn out painting.

i've agreed to paint something for Jenni to complement the design aesthetic she already has going in her room, and also to complement their new bedroom set. i'm relatively sure i can turn out something that will please all involved, and something that i won't be ashamed to admit to producing. i have colors in mind, and a few nebulous ideas, but i don't think i want to plan this too much beyond mixing the colors, i'm thinking instinct rather than planning will produce the best results in this instance. in any event i'm happy to be working through more of my music, as soon as my iPod is done syncing the new playlist.

have i mentioned that i reached the Js for artists in my alphabetical listening to everything i have quest? xD my most recent playlist is most of J (starting with J.Lo) through the beginning of L (Lady Gaga) with the bonus of my rather hefty chunk listed for artist as Cast Recording (which somehow evaded an earlier playlist). Cast Recording is my default label for all my show tunes and soundtracks, unless there's one specific composer. it's easier than iTunes listing who's actually singing each song and making it list as a bajillion albums, and easier to navigate than "Various". it's the one i use on almost everything except for August Rush (which came listed as August Rush as an artist) or the Labyrinth soundtrack (which credits itself as a David Bowie album) or the Josie and the Pussycats movie soundtrack which is actually Letters to Cleo but credits itself as Josie and the Pussycats. i can only hope this playlist goes smoother than D through the beginning of J did. that was a good chunk of my summer between Enya, Goo Goo Dolls and Hoobastank each having several albums. xD this list includes all my Kylie Minogue and the Kings of Leon i got from Moose so there'll be hangups but K should be the only letter i spend more than a day or two on. i don't think i have a single artist who released an album prior to 2009 where i only have one album from them. xD generally i get ALL OF IT then listen to every bit and get rid of the things i don't care for. i just hate thinking that impatience could keep me from discovering something fantastic that just never got radio play. of course, i'd hardly know the difference since i don't listen to the radio. i pretty much rely entirely on recommendations and word of mouth to discover new music. xD

i've got other things tumbling in my mind, but nothing i'm ready to share, so i guess this post is done. xD

State of the Neko address: week 80, part 2

2011-09-04T02:39:00.002-05:00

song+ Easy Breezy- Hikaru Utada- Exodus
book+ the manual that came with my tarot deck
quest+ finishing my tarot arcana designs
upper+ inspiration is plentiful
downer+ the dog's behavior is increasingly bizarre
attire+ khaki pants and a green tee
drink+ milk, my fondest love..

i've been hard at work on my Arcana themed outfit project since my Wednesday post. i re-did Moon and am now satisfied, so i've moved on and i now have 13 of 30 designs completed, and i'm likely to continue designing all weekend at the shop and at home. to the best of my recollection my completed themes now are: Fool, Empress, Lover, Strength, Devil, Tower, Stars, Moon, Sun, Judgement, World, Queen of Chalices, and Queen of Swords. there's still quite a few to go, but the ideas are plentiful and i'm feeling motivated. i've given each of the suits an elemental correspondence picked as carefully as possible after carefully considering meaning and equivalents in a modern deck of cards (which many people don't realize evolved from tarot after removing the major arcana except for the Fool; which became the joker, as chalices/cups became hearts, pentacles/coins became diamonds, wands/staves became clubs, and swords became spades). this elemental arrangement feels the most right to me. for the purposes of this project Chalices are water, Pentacles are air, Wands are earth, and Swords are fire. i'm gonna finish the Queens next and then move on to the Knights before hitting the rest of the major arcana. i'm hoping that inspiration continues to flow freely.

it helps that i FINALLY have working headphones again. mine died about two months ago, and my really good pair of metallic hot pink & white Skullcandy DJ headphones were eaten by Harley more than a year ago, so i'd been making due with cheap ear bud sets since then. upon (finally) realizing that 20 bucks every few months is in no way cheaper than spending 40 bucks for a good replacement set, we waited for Kyu to have a good week at the shop and bought me another set of Skullcandy DJs Saturday afternoon. this pair isn't the same color scheme as the last set, they're a muted navy & black, but they sound just as fantastic and it's wonderful to be able to take my music with me again. it makes it WAY easier to ignore the garbage perpetually on the TV in the shop and play things that keep me in the mindset i need for whichever theme i'm attempting to capture. it certainly helps that they're not ear buds, so they do a pretty awesome job blocking out other noises. even at low volumes there's very little competing with the sound of my music, so it's more comfortable in fit and noise level.

i've discovered in the last year that being entirely unable to afford fun side projects is actually pretty good for me. it's made me make lists and do comparison shopping for the best possible deals on everything so i can price things out. i save my findings in word documents then look them over after a few months, and for most of them, i've realized it's not something i really care about after all. xD it's bound to save me money when i actually have it again, since the habit's one i can see myself maintaining. i do have something like 8 dolls on that list, but only 6 count i think. 2 are re-shells (Rosalie and FaithAnn want the updated joints), and thus their original versions will be sold off after replacement and they won't increase my doll count. 2 complete that mini-family (with Kyu and Umi represented since i still love her- even in absentia), and i eventually wanna get a JID to be Roro, but the right facial sculpt hasn't been released yet. 2 will be character dolls from comics i like (as Xavin technically is), they'll be Stephanie Brown's Batgirl, and Cassandra Cain's BlackBat versions of their characters. the last 2 will be my Amphitrite-and-Son modding projects. this kinda seems like a lot of (eventual) incoming dolls, but there were three or four other concepts that were stricken from the list after careful consideration and loss of interest. not having space to display things didn't curb my impulse-spending, but a lack of funds is working wonders. xD it's also encouraging me to work with the things i already have, so i'm clearing out some of my cache of random stuff.

even with all that on my list of awesome stuff i can't afford (yet) it's at the bottom of the list. i did the responsible thing and prioritized by how much the stuff on the list will actually improve the quality of life for me and Kyu. at the top are things related to our living situation (car, better living situation), followed by wardrobe choices we'd like to eventually work toward and awesome shoes, then at the bottom something like 5 grand (rounded up, but including shipping costs) in dolls i eventually want. xD when i'm finally bringing money into the house, it'll pay off the bits i owe people, then be saved pretty much exclusively to make a down payment on a car. there's no point hurry on this, since neither of us drives, but the thought of having a decent cache saved up for a down payment makes trying to learn seem more important. as things stand now other things keep getting in the way of driving lessons, but if we're actively saving for a car maybe it'll seem more urgent to learn and things will finally come together for us in that regard. there's no point in thinking too hard about that though since i'm not yet bringing any money in. xD hopefully i'll be changing that soon.

State of the Neko address: week 80

2011-08-31T06:43:00.003-05:00

song+ Moves Like Jagger- Maroon 5 (feat Christina Aguilera)
book+ the manual that came with my tarot deck
quest+ getting in touch with Moose
upper+ my ideas are flowing with minimal struggle
downer+ Kyu had a miserable birthday mostly due to his lousy attitude
attire+ khaki pants and a purple tank
drink+ Dr Pepper

before i start, i'm curious enough to ask: has anyone else had trouble getting in touch with Moose this week? i've called something like four times over two days, and texted a few more times. no response to anything at all. i'm annoyed, and vaguely worried. me reaching her isn't life-and-death, but i've never had so much trouble with it. i have some things of hers i'd like to return, and a few errands that'd be more fun to take care of with her along, but i can't get in touch with her. so yeah- annoyed, and vaguely worried.
update: finally got in touch with her. apparently it was a hiccup between our phones because Metro sucks like that.

i know i'm late posting again this week, but i was distracted by productivity, then being sick. Saturday, Sunday and Monday i was focusing on this brainstorm i had for 30 unique doll outfits. i wanna do one for each of the 22 major arcana of a tarot deck, then the knight and queen themes for each suit. i have ideas for a few of them, but capturing them on paper is proving trickier than i figured it'd be. i've drawn up Strength and Stars designs i'm satisfied with, and i have Moon and Sun in my head, but Moon is proving especially tricky because the simplicity i want for it is eluding me. i'll get it right though, i'm sure of it. the best part (besides the challenge) is that i'm sure i'll be able to sell them for a decent profit, and quite a few can be done from materials i already have on-hand. others may require purchasing more, but i'm not worried about any of that yet. i got sidetracked by working on my Dark Elves Monday night (i found a box of Witches and a box of Witch Command while cleaning, so i put them together), then i was sick for most of Tuesday, but today i think i'll be back to working on hammering out the designs. i wanna get Moon done so i can work on Sun, then probably Tower and Judgement. i have vague ideas for Death and the Fool also, but they don't feel quite solid yet, so they're lower on my list. for this project i'm planning to design for all my girls, so i'll be working across my entire span of sizes, though i'm doubtful i'll have very many done at Puki scale. working that tiny is a nightmare, it's why Vanille only has the one outfit so far, every attempt has driven me crazy with the level of focus and detail involved.

i think the most attractive thing about this project is that it's very satisfying for me creatively, and the themes i'm going with are chosen based on who'll look the best wearing my idea, but the designs themselves don't really suit the styles of the girls that'll be modeling them, so i won't be tempted to keep them. xD i think that even selling them for my conservative estimate of value will make enough to help Kyu with a few things that need doing. if i'm right about what i think people would be willing to pay, that's even better and i can make even more. i'm not doing this solely to make money, but it is a secondary concern. i'm very picky about the quality of things i buy, and i think that anything i sell should meet those same guidelines,. i'm figuring that it'll take considerable effort (and all the patience i posses) to produce 30 outfits that are fully lined with uniform nigh-invisible stitches, but doing so will allow me to (in good conscience) charge a little more for the finished product. i don't know what market there is for somewhat arbitrarily-sized outfits representing (mostly) the major arcana in tarot, but one thing the doll hobby has taught me is that there's really a market for just about anything imaginable.

i did mean to post yesterday after realizing i'd missed Monday, but between being lain up ill, and trying to convince Kyu that the birthday well-wishes (despite his facebook status asking everyone to ignore his birthday) weren't malicious taunts designed to make him miserable. he was feeling melodramatic and angsty, and also having a panic attack over turning 25 and having nothing notable to show for his efforts in life thus far save for a mediocre job and apartment. his relationship with me doesn't really count as an achievement apparently, maybe because it reaches back to before we had to pretend we were ready to grow up. xD in any event, he seems to be doing marginally better today. since birthday wishes are unlikely to come a day late, the odds of him aiming a swearing rant at a co-worker are likewise diminished. yeah, that happened yesterday.

so yeah, stuff's going on, but nothing earth-shakingly important. the rest of this week is likely to be spent alternating between tarot costume designs, packing away more upstairs (because the moving thing is kinda up in the air at this point), and placating Kyu when his mood swings get in the way of productivity for either of us in any outlet (which happens more than i generally care to talk about). i wonder what it'd mean to anyone if i said that sometimes dealing with Kyu's abrupt mood swings from jovial to despondent (since i'm the only person he feels will listen when he tries to talk them out) are harder on me than watching my father lose his mind a little more every day before my eyes was. i love Kyu, just as i love Poppa, but there are times that I CAN'T BE THE STRONG ONE. i need to feel like i can fall apart too, and trust someone to just hold me, with no expectation that i'll pull myself together quickly, or efforts to reassemble me on their own. i just need that serenity that comes in the wake of a breakdown, then faith that i'll get past it. it doesn't help that no advice i offer Kyu is ever acted on. he says "tell me what do do" and i give everything i can, then he says "i can't do that" and nothing changes because he's afraid of success.

it's not always bad, but lately it has been and i feel a building need to just get away from everything and stop feeling for a while.. but i can't do that. at this point in time i'm not depressed (i'm remarkably chipper all things considered), but i can feel that inky shadow trying to sneak up on me, and if Kyu can't get a handle on his bi-polar issues, mine will try to take control of me again. i can't let that happen, last year my manic-depression stole three months from me, where i was convinced i was doing something wonderful and when the smoke cleared i'd accomplished nothing tangible and had only left the house once a day to walk the dog (plus the one trip with mom to take care of state tax issues regarding home businesses). three months gone without me really noticing the days passing, i can barely recall any of that time. i don't want it to happen again. that sense of losing myself in that numbing void is too similar to what i saw happening to Poppa every day for years, i have to hold onto me, or i'll lose everything.

State of the Neko address: week 79

2011-08-24T18:40:00.002-05:00

song+ Carry You There- Hanson- Shout It Out (this is fantastic and everyone should listen to it!)
book+ Three Sisters trilogy
quest+ figuring out navy and silver on white for fur blushing
upper+ i feel creatively inspired
downer+ i have a ton of other things that take priority
attire+ denim skirt and Human Torch tee
drink+ water.

it's Wednesday and i just realized i have yet to post this week. oops. xD it wasn't really anything i planned, i just forgot to.

i think i've come around to the point where i'm ready t think about selling things i've sewn again. i pushed too hard last time and completely discouraged myself, but the idea of starting simpler than i did before, using my prior efforts differently is appealing. i'm not thinking i'll plunk down and make a bajillion doll dresses and sell them all in days, but i'm thinking i may play around and make a few one-off designs, take my time with them for the pleasure of it. things my girls won't wear except to model them, and then see what other doll owners think of the results. i realize that in some ways i'm way too picky about the quality of my work, and so i tend to think nothing i do is goo enough to sell.. the thing is, any time other people have seen a finished product i'm asked if i really made it, and then why i'm not selling, so i guess other people aren't so picky. so i guess i'm gonna play around and see what i turn out, then see what i can get for it. we'll see how that goes for me.

it's been a few weeks and i still haven't even started on the blushing and face-ups for Amelia and Althea. i haven't been in the right frame of mind to work on them and not screw up, and i don't wanna have to try for days to get it right, so it's been easier to wait for my mood to settle. i want them finished, but i wanna do it right, so i'm making myself wait. a big part of it is the difficulty i've had in the past getting a dark fur color to blend well into pale Soom resin. i want Amelia's hoof fur blushed dark blue and silver, and against the creme white, that'll be pretty hard. i know how i want it to look in the end, nut i'm unsure of my techniques to reach that point, so i'm still researching. xD Kyu thinks i should wait until we buy an airbrush (he wants one for painting his 40k army) but since i don't know how to use one at all, i really don't see how that would make anything easier.

another thing Kyu suggested was getting a second dog. lately Harley's behavior has been regressing (presumably in a bid for attention) and we've responded with more walks, more playtime, and stricter punishment when she misbehaves. but she's still convinced that peeing on the carpet is a surefire way to get our attention, along with barking when we're trying to sleep. Kyu thinks that another dog would giver her a different source of attention when we can't play with her. i think that Harley's already about the most pet we can fit in this apartment, feeding another dog would cost a good bit more than we spend now on dog food, training a new one would be hard with Harley likely to set a terrible example, and the odds of finding a second dog that fits the criteria i'd want in a second pet (a lab-mix of some sort, shortish hair, medium build, female, and free) are slim. we can't afford to buy a dog. dogs are expensive enough to take care of, all the cost-of-ownership stuff is too much, so for now i'm saying it's not possible. i can't deal with more than one misbehaving, mess-making, attention-starved dependent at this point in time. we'll just be using her kennel more and training her behavior a bit more insistently.

State of the Neko address: week 78, part 2

2011-08-18T09:34:00.002-05:00

song+ Musical Ride- Hanson- Shout It Out (this is fantastic and everyone should listen to it!)
book+ nothing presently
quest+ making the moving thing realistic
upper+ art lesson today with Bonnie & the kids
downer+ i need money, for lots of things
attire+ pajamas (i'll be getting dressed in a while though)
drink+ milk! i love milk..

i find myself thinking about dolls lately (surprise surprise). i'm a fan of well-done mods to make something unique, and i love inhuman fantasy sculpts like the monthly dolls Soom puts out.. in theory. i've come to realize that i find myself caring more about the face and size, and less about the fantasy parts since it comes down to alternate legs, maybe-wings, and a head with squinted eyes, elf ears, and maybe a horn or two. they're well-done, and generally quite lovely, but i find myself wishing that the designs would push it a little further. i get that they don't so Soom can still sell a standard wardrobe for them, but really i feel that now it's hardly worth looking. don't get me wrong, i LOVE my Adamelli girls, and i'm super-happy i managed to order them, but really they're standard Soom: hooves and a sleepy head with elf ears and horn, and wings. i've realized that even with inhuman features, most of the time it's the outfit selling the concept for me, and since the outfits are frequently OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive, it doesn't really seem worth it very much. the only doll that's really struck me with unique "woah"-ness (besides Vesuvia and her multi-jointed scorpion tail) has been Cass the fish queen. i was REALLY close to ordering her for myself when she was released, but i realized that what i loved were her finny arms, the seashell-ears, and her costume. her face was kinda blah and i really didn't like the execution of the finny feet and scaley legs. i'd have reversed it to match the arms; scaley feet and fins from the calves.

so to realize my affection for modding, and my desire both to do something more complicated and to have a truly unique doll, i've decided that i wanna mod myself a one-off fantasy doll: Amphitrite- Queen of the Ocean. when i started really thinking about this i figured it was a chance to get a facial sculpt i've always really liked and finally have a reason to order her, so i went straight to Fairyland and pulled up MiniFee Lishe. MSD is my preferred scale to work in, and with sufficiently regal costuming and modding a goddess wouldn't really have to be huge. i then realized that she's really not quite right for the image i have, so i pulled up the other sizes available and looked at every basic female available before settling instead on FeePle 65 Chloe (somehow MNF Chloe just isn't as regal). i'm still working on drawing up the changes i wanna make to her, but basically it'll be my slightly more thematically aggressive version of how i'd do Cass. fins from the calves and forearms less ethereal/floaty and more severe/finny, slight scaling on hands and feet to blend with the fins attaching, gills at the ribs- not the neck like you'd think, (really for a BIG fish, like a person-sized one, gills at the neck wouldn't allow enough air) ears modded to resemble the fin attachments, (because as COOL as the seashell ears are, i'm not gonna try and rip em off). then after all the modding, i wanna dye her entire body a sea foam color, and blush her fins a violet tone and her scales teal to blend. i'll want violet hair for her (i'll probably look into dying a lighter wig honestly), a long style though i'm undecided on straight or wavy as yet. i'll finally be using the Cuprit ice crown on her, along with that outfit (that doesn't in any way fit my Iple girls, but WILL fit her) until i can sew something more ocean-goddess. silver fetish wear and a sparkly cape is fine temporarily, but i'll want something that looks more regal and watery long-term. xD for jewelry and ornamentation, i wanna follow through on the concept i had for the Cass i never ordered: she's been underwater for so long playing with sunken treasure that it's bonded to her in places. i'd add swarovski crystals in places to look like they'd fused to her flesh, and i have an idea for an elaborate lacy filigree-and-gemstone necklace fusing to her chest. like it'd be antique-looking, except for one or two places where her skin would absorb it a little. i'm planning on doing similar filigree-type ornamental modding at the base of the ice crown to play up the shape of it. also to make it look more jewel-ish and less icy, it'd just be gold swirls and shaping, with a few extra jewels dotted here and there for impact.

my other idea that's been germinating is doing a dragon knight. like not a knight going out to slay one, but a knight that's Draconian in lineage, and since settling on my Amphitrite, i've realized that would be even more fun if i made him her son, and an aquatic dragon. for him i have yet to decide on a facial sculpt, but my idea for him is finny-ears like i want for my queen, then scaly additions to arms/legs/hands/feet and claws on the hands. i'd want slight scaling on the forehead too, around stubby just-coming-in-horns.. kinda like dragon puberty. xD the sculpts i like most for him at this point are MiniFee vampire elf Woosoo, or JID Colin from Iplehouse. i love the little fangs on Woosoo, but i'd be tweaking the eye shape quite a bit. with Colin i love the face and the body, but the ankle joint would limit my modding capability. i love all my Iple dolls, but that ankle joint is kinda a HUGE problem for a high-fantasy modification. it only works locked in that one specific orientation, and a classic capable-of-rotating foot would give me breathing room on the scaling and clawing. whatever sculpt i end up choosing though, i'm thinking i'll dye him a steely blue-grey before blushing to accentuate.

i'm still a LONG long way from being able to afford to do any of this, but even just thinking about it and planning it out is really fun. i know i planned Xavin in detail for two years before i ordered her, so i'm really okay with long-term doll planning. xD i don't wanna risk second-guessing a choice i've made, so even after i have money again (whenever that ends up being), i'm still likely to take this project slow and steady.

State of the Neko address: week 78

2011-08-15T17:16:00.001-05:00

song+ Musical Ride- Hanson- Shout It Out (this is fantastic and everyone should listen to it!)
book+ Key of trilogy
quest+ getting my Uni-girls blushed and dressed properly
upper+ my mood has been rather up lately
downer+ issues are coming up regarding our moving goal
attire+ denim skirt and a tank
drink+ milk

the last week has been both strange and uneventful. my mood has been more chipper than other recent times, but i've found myself entirely incapable of focusing on any task long enough to complete it. that means that i haven't done anything worth mentioning in the last week at all, except maybe the half-doodled dresses i wanna make for Althea and Amelia. meanwhile Kyu worked two jobs (like normal) and came in 6th or 7th (i can't really remember) out of 20 in a Warhammer 40k tournament Saturday. it's not enough to advance, but it's an improvement in his skills for sure, so he's pleased. also he managed to trade some stuff that was just sitting around for a brand new Warsphinx for me, so that's even better. xD

i know the general design i want for starter dresses, but i'm still working out the closures in my head since one will have to work around Amelia's hooves and that's a substantially larger opening than working around Amelia's human legs and hips. i'm also still deciding what material i'll be working in as i make them. i don't want anything too stiff, but i also want a certain degree of sturdiness to the dresses. at this point i'm thinking possibly a cotton hankie as a base, but that still leaves thickness, color and trim undecided. there are some things i think it's better to take slow though, if i don't rush myself, i'm less likely to make a mistake from desire to just be DONE. xD i'm actually thinking of trying black for the material, and pastel ribbons in their signature colors for trim and closures (over snaps for security), but since i'm still working out the details in my head, there's nothing i can show off on this project.

i think the most inspiring thing that's happened this week was that Thursday i had one of those dreams where you're fully aware that you're dreaming, but you can't wake up until your subconscious is convinced you've picked up on whatever message it keeps throwing at you. it was a good dream, and it left me feeling good about a few choices i didn't realize i'd been worrying over, and it left me inspired to do more to make my future as good as the one in the dream. i think some of the dream was just my brain relaxing, but a good chunk of it felt like prompting towards where i should be in my life. like a higher power saying to me "look how great you could be with a little more effort, all of THIS is possible for you!" and that made me want it very much. it didn't give any step-by-step directions, because prompting from beyond never works like that, but it left me thinking hard about what i REALLY want, and now i think i know what that is. i'm not ready to say it yet, but i'm like 70% sure i'm headed in the right direction to get there. maybe when i hit 90% i'll be ready to talk about it to someone other than Kyu. *shrug*

sorted into Slytherin (real post to follow)

2011-08-15T16:39:00.001-05:00

i got this from Roro, who took it from someone else. i find the results interesting as every prior sort i've done put me in Ravenclaw (where i'd kinda prefer to be). percentage-wise it really could have been any of the houses, if not for a few specific questions regarding social interaction. i admitted to manipulating people to get them to do what i want them to, if i'd lied (a more typically Slytherin characteristic) i'd have scored lower for them, ironically enough. xD

Your result for The Sorting Hat: A Comprehensive Harry Potter Personality Assessment

Slytherin

50% Ravenclaw, 51% Hufflepuff, 53% Slytherin and 50% Gryffindor!

Or perhaps in Slytherin

You'll make your real friends,

Those cunning folks use any means

To achieve their ends.

Slytherin's cardinal traits are ambition, cunning and determination. Like the Gryffindor House, Slytherins are emotionally volatile. In contrast, however, Slytherins are much less dominant and assertive, and less extroverted in general. Rather than expressing these emotions outwardly, Slytherins direct them inward or act in a passive aggressive manner. Both Gryffindor and Slytherin are much more driven to succeed than the other two houses: Gryffindor out of pride and Slytherin out of ambition.

Slytherins are also much more pragmatic than the other houses and more adept at manipulating people. A key trait would be a low level of agreeableness: Slytherins are more pessimistic, more distrustful than most, and more likely to attribute negative motivations to people. So although Slytherins experience a wide range of emotions, due to their distrustful views of people and skeptical worldview, they are less expressive and more likely to appear cold or distant unless provoked.

A Slytherin's ambitious nature comes out in different ways depending on what is important to the individual person. It could lead them to try to achieve top marks (if intellect and schooling is important to them) but it could also be directed at social settings or towards athletic endeavors.

Take The Sorting Hat: A Comprehensive Harry Potter Personality Assessment [Test/Quiz]

State of the Neko address: week 77

2011-08-08T19:26:00.002-05:00

song+ LOVE- Ashlee Simpson- I Am Me
book+ Tomb Kings army book
quest+ getting my Uni-girls blushed and dressed properly
upper+ i love them to bits and do not regret ordering in the slightest!
downer+ i can't find their proper eyes, i'll keep looking though
attire+ pajama pants and a tank
drink+ AriZona watermelon juice cocktail

..and it's Monday again, strange how it seems to come around every week. xD most of my weekend has been spent playing with Althea and Amelia trying to figure them out enough to decide on colors for their blushing. i think i've got things pretty much settled, but i'm giving it another few days just to be safe. in the meantime there's (still blank-faced) snuggle pictures. i've taken one pretty much every day since their arrival, but since they all end up looking more or less the same i delete them instead of sharing. this one's cute though, and the lighting's decent. it was taken early this afternoon.

i think at this point they're more cousins than sisters, but i'm okay with that. i'm thinking that Althea is a humanoid zephyr spirit flitting about as changeably as the wind itself (once i finally get the magnets into her wings), but very protective of her loved ones and prone to fighting. her BFF Amelia is the daughter of a river nymph and a satyr, she's more dependable, but more emotional too. i've pretty much decided that anything i make for them to wear (they're currently in generic MSD clothes from my collection of F2BM/Teen Trends items) will feature their signature colors in it somewhere: blue for Amelia and lilac for Althea. i do want their wardrobes to be mostly floaty togas and wrapped sleeveless robes, and i've got something like 6 designs drawn out, i just have to figure out the patterns properly and get the stuff made. once i do that i'll be sure to take more pictures. xD they're very very photogenic girls.

i think later this week i'll sit down to actually do the modding to cover the calf-holes in Amelia's hooves, and also to so the fantasy blushing and face-ups on the girls. i think i've still got enough sealant to get it all done, and i know exactly where my art supplies are, i'll just need to make sure i'm set on the colors. and i guess i'll have to make sure i have enough space cleared from my packing blitz too. xD my desk is currently covered in stacks of art supplies that i'm not ready to pack away yet since i want it done cohesively and it hasn't all been found/gathered yet. there's also a stack of various sewing-related crafty things stacked to the side of the desk awating packing. and comics too, really i still have a ton to get to, though i'm realizing that i don't really want a lot of it anymore, so that's less to pack.

i guess the only other thing going on is Kyu did a few big tattoos this weekend, and we had some extra money, so he bought me the Tomb Kings Battalion box. i'm not letting myself assemble or paint any of my TK stuff until after we've moved and i've unpacked and organized though. i'm just hoarding my bits in anticipation of the reward of finally working on it all. xD this box puts me at a solid 2/3 of the 2500pt list i'm working on though. it supplements my previously acquired archers, both on foot and on horseback, and gives me half my planned chariots, meaning really all i have left to get is the specialty pieces.. warsphinx, snakey statue thingies, casket of souls, and any spot-filling units i decide on. i'm looking forward to getting into all of it, it'll be really different from my Dark Elf list too, so i'll have an entirely different experience playing it. xD

State of the Neko address: week 76, part 2

2011-08-05T14:03:00.002-05:00

song+ On the Floor- Jennifer Lopez- Love?
book+ nothing
quest+ packing the whole apartment away neatly
upper+ imy Uni-twins are home!
downer+ i don't have hair and eyes for them yet
attire+ khaki pants and a pink tank
drink+ water

so yeah, possibly the fastest doll shipping EVER. (i wonder if it's to make up for the Cuprit drama?) xD notice Wednesday, arrival this morning. i honestly was figuring on tomorrow or Monday for the arrival. xD i wasn't expecting them so soon, so i don't have their eyes or hair yet, but i'm so happy they're here that i'll just go through my spare things and let them look mismatched for a while. they have temporary clothes that i did in advance. i compared their listed measurements and it was pretty close to my Kid Delf Bory so i used her as a model and somehow the green dress is too loose, the pink is too tight, and both are indecently short if they stand up. i'll have to make new things now that they're actually here, i just need ideas first. xD at least i can sell these that don't fit as Kid Delf girl outfits?

anyhow, over time i've developed a streamlined arrival photo process, this time i got it down to just 5 pictures. xD giant mega-box, two pretty boxes, pillow-cushions & fantasy parts, sister snuggles, and a closeup of comfort.

i'll probably work on their face-ups and blushing this weekend, and getting magnets and such glued where they need to be. i have yet to decide on a final color scheme for them, and they'll definitely need properly-fitting clothes to wear, so i'll need to do some doodles to work out my ideas. xD i'm VERY happy to have them home though, they're the sweetest, shyest supernatural sisters ever.

State of the Neko address: week 76

2011-08-02T15:23:00.002-05:00

song+ Rolling in my Sleep- Adele vs Eurythmics (Sweet Dreams) mash-up
book+ Warhammer Fantasy rulebook
quest+ packing the whole apartment away neatly
upper+ i'm feeling mostly-better!
downer+ i was miserably (abominably?) sick this weekend
attire+ khaki pants and a green tank
drink+ AriZona strawberry-kiwi juice blend

this isn't a Monday post, but since i was feeling off Saturday with a persistent headache, then woke up voiceless and sick Sunday and slept most of Monday away as a result, this is close enough. i'm feeling (mostly) better today and my voice has returned, so that's good. turns out several people i know of were inexplicably sick over the weekend, so i'm not sure what was up, but i'm mildly comforted that i wasn't the only person surprised to be sick out of nowhere.

i hit a plateau on packing progress last week, after painting and partying, but i'm gonna try to do better this week to make up for it. Saturday morning (before Warhammer started at the comic shop) we made it by the place we'd like to move into to talk to the management. we looked into both 1 bedroom and 2 bedroom layouts, and while i'd much rather have the 2 bedroom, i can see ways of condensing our stuff to fit in the smaller one. it looks nice there, and they will have places available in a month, so that's good. Kyu is worried about being able to pull together enough to cover all the moving expenses. between pet fees, app fees, admin fees and initial rent (one or two months of it depending on credit/rental history) i can see why he's worried. i'm considerably less worried about it, what's meant to be will be. worst case scenario, we have to wait another month until our lease is actually up and move late Sep instead of late Aug. we'll be fine though. of course by his math, he's assuming we'll pay the whole pet fee up front when they only ask for half of it with the option of putting the other half across the first year's rent, which is far easier to deal with.

i (finally) heard back from the friend that wanted to split the Adamelli order, she still wants the unicorn head and legs (and spare body i included) of the set, and losing her job hasn't changed her desire to have this as her first doll. she's applying other places so she can pay me the sum we agreed upon when i ordered them, and since she's talking Dental Assisting as a job, making the 300 shouldn't be tricky at all if she can get any hours. getting that money will be nice, it'll let me order the wigs and eyes for them, and also help Kyu with various things that have been put off, but do need to be dealt with (since i doubt i'll have it in time to help with moving expenses). i need to get some of my other dolls sold, the ones i've been meaning to get rid of, but the timing hasn't felt right. i'm a firm believer in following my instincts when it comes to timing pretty much anything at all. really before i bother worrying about any of that i'm gonna focus on getting this place packed up and all sorted out.

to keep myself occupied while i slog through the sorting and re-packing i've been downloading more music (even though i'm still working my way through listening to the stuff i already had) as of today i have another 10 albums added to my iTunes library. xD i already had FAR more music than can be fit on my sad little iPod, but i'm working on expanding my tastes. i'm now at 34.86GB of music with slight overlap of tracks possible (but unlikely, i do my best to eliminate repeats) and the same 8GB iPod Touch (that actually holds closer to 6.5/7GB) that i've had for like 4 years. my listening hasn't progressed since i finished the backdrop, at which point i was halfway through Goo Goo Dolls, i think. it's reasonable progress, and today i'll be picking it up again and moving forward with it. eventually i'll get through it all.. unless i keep downloading more and not listening to anything, then trading for further new stuff with my sisters. which i have been known to do. xD

State of the Neko address: week 75

2011-07-26T08:31:00.004-05:00

song+ Slide- Goo Goo Dolls- Dizzy Up the Girl
book+ Batgirl- the Flood
quest+ packing the whole apartment away neatly
upper+ i'm making visible progress
downer+ there's still a lot to get through
attire+ pajama shorts and a tank
drink+ water

the party Saturday was fantastic! and after, i had sushi for the first time. it wasn't terrible. i'm not a convert, but i'd be willing to try it again. xD my time since making it home after all that has been spent back at work clearing my way through the never-unpacked boxes. i finished the second office closet less than an hour ago. so now i'm up to four sealed-and-labeled boxes of keeper-stuff, three organized but not-full boxes waiting for missing items to fill them the rest of the way, and another several empty boxes whose contents have been thrown out or put aside to go to goodwill. as promised i have the progression photos from my work on the backdrop for the party. each of these was taken at the end of a workday with my cell phone, so they're not awesome pictures, but they're viewable.. if they're sideways, blame Photobucket acting up and tilt your head. xD
end of day 1- some bricks are painted (all are drawn), and the painting's base colors are done by Moose, i run out of my black paint- Moose brings me hers so i can keep going the next day.

end of day 2- considerable progress is made on brick painting, then i run out of Moose's black paint too. i'm unable to find a ride to the art store.

end of day 3- after FINALLY making it to the art store (at like 4 in the afternoon), i finish painting all the bricks, do touch-ups on the painting, add the frame, and start painting the grout work only to realize i'm approaching the point of rage. fortunately Kyu arrives home from job2 and the task is handed off to him. xD yay! it's all done at about 2am the day of the party!

next weekend we (Kyu and i) are gonna go talk to the place we'd like to move to in person to see what's possible. ideally we'd like to move the first week of September or thereabout, so i'm doing my best to have things as close to done as far before then as possible. frenzied last-minute packing before a move is the worst. it leaves you feeling rushes and discombobulated and it's IMPOSSIBLE to find anything after one of those moves. i suppose last-minute packing during a move is worse, but we wanna avoid that. if i can have everything done to the degree that we live out of suitcases for the week before moving, that'd be perfect. xD the part that's taking longest is keeping the "keeper" stuff in organized piles until i have enough to fill a box and label it that exclusively. since my role as the at-home one means i'll be doing the unpacking, and most of the packing too, i'm insisting on clearly labeled & dated boxes sealed airtight to kill any potential ride-along pests. this way i'll know when it's safe to unpack a box, and also where it'll need to be unpacked before opening anything at all.

in the brief moments i haven't been working through our immense loads of stuff, i've been catching up on the non-Flashpoint happenings in the DCU.. which really means the Bat-books. i still adore Cassie Cain (formerly Batgirl the second) and i'm glad she's being used again as Batman's representative in Eastern Asia- Blackbat (more ninja, less psychological). i'm also happy with Stephanie Brown running around as Batgirl (the third) in Gotham. hers is a fantastic book and i adore the delightful BFF dynamic the two have always shared (even if being half a world apart means they're not sharing it presently), so while i'm apprehensive about the DCnU reboot this fall, i'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic that they won't both be entirely forgotten. (see sidebar comic for the common reaction to heir role in the DCnU.. you may have to click on it to actually read it. stupid auto-resizing.) my biggest worry is Barbara Gordon being restored to the Batgirl role (she's better as Oracle, straight up) but since the book's being written by Gail Simone it could end up okay. since i'm aware that Gail herself adores Cassie and likes Steph, i kinda hope they end up in her book too, like Batgirls Inc. i ship the Cass/Steph friend scene SO HARD with them. to the exclusion of traditional romantic entanglements even. no canon relationship with a boy has ever given either of them even close to half the joy they gave each other for a long time in Cass' book. i'd love to read about them having super-awesome-friendship-time all the time. xD that'd be an awesome book. right now i'm looking for a picture to illustrate their awesome together, and if i can i want to use one showing their current costumes. xD

okay, this is how awesome they are as friends. even though this is fanart, it's entirely in-character and when they do meet up again (for the first time in years) i hope it looks something like this. possibly the most consistently brilliant depiction of loyal friendship with no strings in mainstream comics. this is their costumes without the masks actually on.. i guess they hugged so hard the masks fell off? xD Cass has a domino mask with peaked cat-eye corners that poke out of her hair, and Steph wears the traditional Bat-cowl, you can see it scrunched behind her like a hood actually.

State of the Neko address: week 74, part 2 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY edition)

2011-07-23T09:54:00.000-05:00

song+ Dizzy- Goo Goo Dolls- Dizzy Up the Girl
book+ the Throne of Fire- Rick Riordan (Kane Chronicles)
quest+ finding my missing socks
upper+ my huge 3day project is complete!
downer+ paint is expensive!
attire+ pajama shorts and a tank
drink+ Arizona strawberry-kiwi juice.. so good

a long time ago (late 2009 i think? possibly early 2010..) our air conditioner wasn't working, a common enough occurrence since we've lived here. to get around the complex's inability/unwillingness to DO anything to fix it, Kyu and i went to Target and bought ourselves a window A/C unit for 90 bucks. i named it Gus, like a gust of wind, it seemed a friendlier name than my other instinct: Aeolus. Gus is a good window unit, efficient, powerful, quieter than the box fan we'd been relying on. in the time we've had Gus he's been perfect, but at the directive of the complex management he's been removed from our window. the main cooling unit for the complex is working again, so they're enforcing the no window unit policy now. in spite of our A/C running pretty much all the time, our apartment has remained unpleasantly warm. i miss Gus, i miss being able to use a blanket at night without feeling like i was smothering. i miss being able to turn off the fan and be fine, it's been running pretty much nonstop all week to direct what measly current is being cooled toward us. moving can't possibly happen soon enough. *sigh*

late last night i did finish my contribution to the Harry Potter party with Kyu's help. i took pictures at the end of each night i worked on it (with my phone's camera- don't expect anything awesome), and after everyone's seen it i'll share them to show the progression, no spoilers here. xD since the party is today (Happy Birthday Jenni!) the wait shouldn't be too bad. the two things i'm taking away from the experience of working on it are 1) paint is freakin EXPENSIVE, and 2) i hate working at super-large-scale. xD i'm okay with reasonably large, but i don't think any single dimension on any project i undertake in the next several months will exceed 3 or 4 feet in length. unless for some reason i end up in a class where i have to do an insanely HUGE project. i am excited about the party though, it sounds awesome and i've found most of my Hogwarts costume already. my black knee-high socks are missing, but i know where pretty much everything else is: white blouse (though i may go with grey- the white's snug lately), black pleated skirt, Ravenclaw (represent!) house tie, and not-strippertastic-or-stilletto-heeled single-strap mary jane shoes. the shoes took me forever to find, too. it turns out if you're not a little girl or the kind of "dancer" that needs a 'work name' to protect her identity, it's generally assumed you don't need schoolgirl shoes- go figure.

i'll probably look for my socks again when Kyu isn't sleeping, i'm kinda incapable of searching for anything quietly, so my initial pass was little more than cursory. i think the last time i saw them was a little after Halloween (when i last wore the costume) but they're not in my sock drawer, so i'll have to see if they got lost behind something. i know Kyu didn't wear them. sock theft was a frequent issue living with dad, and a behavior inherited by Kyu, but half the reason i buy knee-highs (including my toe socks) is that he hates for anything to rise past his ankles. he'll wear my socks of any style- normal, dress, toe- it's all the same unless they're knee-high. so i now buy almost entirely knee-high socks in cute girly patterns. the girly designs don't stop him, but having to pull them so high does. good. actually pretty much any hole in any given pair of my socks (but especially my beloved toe socks) can generally be tracked back to his abnormally long (finger-like_ toes and his perpetual forgetting to trim his toenails. it's annoying.

you know what completely blew my mind when i had to buy more paint to finish my contribution to the party? i was aware that good paint isn't exactly cheap, but i discovered at the art store that is REALLY IS cheaper to buy in bulk. the 4oz tube of the decent brand of acrylic paint that i favor was listed at 6.69, the 2oz tube of the same exact color from the same exact product line was 7.69. how is half as much a DOLLAR MORE? granted i hit a sale so they were reduced to 5.01 and 5.76 but the smaller tube still cost me more! i was appalled! it's the next day and my mind is still blown.

State of the Neko address: week 74

2011-07-21T02:19:00.002-05:00

song+ Lay All Your Love On Me- Erasure- Hits! Best of Erasure
book+ the Lost Hero- Rick Riordan (Heroes of Olympus)
quest+ getting my contribution to the HP party finished
upper+ it looks GREAT so far
downer+ it's taking more paint than anticipated somehow
attire+ pajama pants and a creme tank
drink+ water (with Crystal Light energy Wild Strawberry flavor in it)

it's late for the week, but there's been other things going on, so better late than never. let's see, last Tuesday was the Britney concert. it was FANTASTIC! a great first-ever concert too.

so far as hobby stuff goes, i'm looking into starting Tomb Kings as my second Warhammer army. i wasn't gonna start my second until my first (Dark Elves) was completed, but there's stuff that Kyu bought when it first came out (before he remembered he hates playing fantasy) and some from the store's pre-release kits that we got for free. so yeah, Tomb Kings! xD i still think at some point i'll do my Narnia-themed Brettonian army, but it's not a priority. at this point i have 2 Necropolis Knights and 1 Sepulchral Stalker, 24 skeletal horses (likely to be archers), and 16 foot-soldier skeletons (possibly also destined to be archers). that's a decent start for my not doing anything to earn them. xD also since everything (so far) is plastic, finishing this list will be substantially cheaper than my Dark Elves, where only one single unit is plastic.

Jenni & Kelton's Harry Potter birthday party is coming up this weekend, and i'm working on a project Bonnie offered me to help out with it. it's going pretty well so far, even if it is making a HUGE mess of the studio space. xD i only actually got started on it today, but i'm about halfway done i think. it went faster when i had Moose helping me, but after a trip (scheduled for later today) to restock on the paint colors i've run out of, i should still be able to finish it in plenty of time.. especially if i draft Kyu into helping tomorrow if i need it or something. i do realize that i'll need a ride other than Moose to the party though, showing up late with it won't really work out too well. is someone willing to pick me up, please? i'm totally excited about this party, it's gonna be AWESOME! xD i'm only being secretive about the project because i don't know if it's supposed to be a secret..

hmm.. otherwise the only other thing going on is that our new apartment manager is worse than the last one. he's as reluctant to fix things, and has the people skills of a toad. he's left something like 6 notices on our door in the last few weeks, all about important things happening with terrible timing: late-payment notices the day bills are due, notification of maintenance schedules the afternoon before things are scheduled to happen. new policies posted with no "hey, this is going on" message to the residents, just signs at the affected places. the ones that REALLY pissed Kyu off have been the laundry facility closing at 10 period; if your stuff's still there you can retrieve it next day, no exceptions and no warning. generally we do laundry late at night when everyone else is asleep. also the lovely notice that since the primary cooling unit is (finally) working, maintenance would be making rounds on the 20th to remove any window units since they're against property policy. yeah, no. we bought the thing when the AC was perpetually out more than a year ago, and we've removed it, but damn if a stranger was gonna come in uninvited to confiscate the thing. on top of that our downstairs toilet is only working half the time, making that half bath little more than a closet with its own sink. that's in addition to the entire kitchen being screwed up. and our AC is leaking (again) and leaving puddles on the kitchen floor. that's half the reason we preferred to run the window unit and a box fan upstairs, at least it dripped OUTSIDE.

so yeah, Kyu wants me to go back to the apartments i've toured and see if any have openings sooner than we were initially planning to move. if so we wanna get one of them and negotiate getting out of our remaining lease here sooner than anticipated. it's supposed to be up in October (though i can't for the life of me recall if that's beginning or end) but there's a high chance that negotiating to sever our lease would be better for us financially than staying through the summer, especially since the electric bill is the building's use divided by units. nothing we do cuts it down, it actually went up by 40 bucks last month, this month i expect worse. i'm entirely certain some of our neighbors NEVER turn anything off. i know my bizarre sleep pattern keeps things running, but i've been like this since last fall, the bill's been uncontrollably crazy high for a few months now, and climbing still. also, i turn off the lights when i leave a room, i don't leave music blaring 24/7, i unplug (most) electronics when they're not being used, i pretty much never watch TV anymore. i really use surprisingly little in the way of electricity. *sigh* so yeah, i'll be looking again in a few days, whenever Moose can find the time to drive me to them. there's two places we're interested in, the one Kyu likes, and the one SUPER close to the place Moose and Eric are living. Moose and i would both prefer the second at this point, but really it all depends on what's available. think positive & successful thoughts for us!

oh, i forgot the one last thing, kinda the most exciting: i got an e-mail from UTA saying they've stopped processing my application because they can't find my high school transcript or SAT/ACT scores. i have a still-sealed copy of my transcript that i got when i thought i'd be applying at the Art Institute, and i found it while clearing out the closet. i never took the SAT/ACT though, so i think i'll have to actually speak to someone and look into taking placement tests instead. xD but hey, getting a message about that still counts as progress, right?

State of the Neko address: week 73

2011-07-11T20:12:00.003-05:00

song+ Musical Ride- Hanson- Shout it Out
book+ Throne of Fire- Rick Riordan
quest+ getting rid of a bunch more stuff
upper+ making serious progress
downer+ still tons to get through
attire+ pajama shorts and a red tank
drink+ milk

i've had a pretty productive week i suppose, though most of the productivity happened this last weekend. for one thing i'm making pretty good progress working through all my music. i think i mentioned a while back that reorganized my music putting it all on my external drive, that's meant that i have to re-listen to it all to get rid of duplicate songs, or ones i just hate. xD i'm proud to say i've made it halfway through D. yay! that's a big deal as the letter C and Depeche Mode took me like 3 weeks.the rest of what's on my i pod will take me through J and i think i can do that this week. yay music!

let's see, Friday i spent time with Jenni, we watched Beastly and took care of getting me applied for college and financial aid. even if i don't get accepted for fall courses, it feels good to be finally doing something about it, so i'm grateful for Jenni's help. Friday i also sewed the gown FaithAnn wore to the saturday meet pretty much from beginning to end. all the sewing (except for the stomach panel and straps) was done Friday, but the pieces were cut out in advance. as mom indicated, this is the silhouette i want for my (a few years from now) wedding dress. the details will change, and yeah, it won't be in red, but i like the look of this shape. i figured i'd try it out and if i could successfully do it at doll scale it wouldn't be a herculean task for mom to do for me. xD parts of FaithAnn's version are skewed a bit, but overall we're pleased with it.. even if it's tricky to sit in. xD

the Saturday meetup with mom was fun, the food was good and the conversation was amusing. i was able to help someone choose her next doll, based on playing with the ones i took, so i even felt pretty useful. xD toward the end i did get a message asking if i was gonna head to the comic shop, i'd forgotten that our Pathfinder games have been bumped up to weekly. oops. i did make it to the shop within plenty of time as the 40k game the others were playing hadn't finished yet. the game was fun and i'm satisfied that my character's build works like i wanted it to, i took out a monster with 130hp almost entirely on my own, then landed the killing blow on another of the same in the next round, and stayed alive much longer against it solo than anyone else would have been able to, and then i managed to not-die when i should have via skill use. so yay!

Sunday i completed four paintings, a themed piece i decided to to when i had painting day with Moose a while back. one painting capturing a moment in time from each season arranged together to make a whole year in cycle. i worked for the first time with my extensive glitter options, and i think i've discovered how it works best in a painting and how it just makes a mess. xD i'm pleased with the end result though, so that's what matters, i guess.

this is how all of them fit together, no flash for accuracy in color depiction.

spring: flowers on a hill

autumn: sunset and turning leaves

summer: fireworks!

winter: snow. this one's more imagination than experience xD
..these are detail shots of them with flash so the glitter is more apparent. gotta say the bluebonnet-ish part of spring gave me the most trouble, but i like how it tuned out.

the only other thing is we're not gonna go after Migma after all since her order period ends on the 23rd and we can't possibly raise $1600 in two weeks, much less that on top of rent and bills. Kyu's unwilling to commit to a layaway when we don't know ahead of time if we'll be able to make the payments, especially since there's a good chance that the tattoo shop will be closing soon. they're having difficulties with the building's owner and things just really don't look good for lease renewal.

well, that and Britney tomorrow. yay! xD totally excited about that!

picturetime!

2011-07-08T04:15:00.004-05:00

these mostly go with yesterday's post. pictures of what i kept of my art, what i painted when i was with Moose about 2 months ago, and the fabric i found while cleaning. every one of these was bought for a doll-dressing project that never even got started. *sigh*

Senior year: the snake piece i don't love, but is too good to throw out. assignment? photo realism in black and white (surprisingly not marked down for the snake being green)

Senior year: Echo and Narcissus (and Nemesis) illustrated over the words of the story from my mythology book. assignment was to tell a story in an unconventional method.

Junior year: i think the assignment was reflection?

another from Senior year: we had to illustrate Time and use a three-dimensional element, so the watercolor part is suspended with puffy tape above the colored pencil part. song lyrics in the background because i couldn't think of anything better. made it to the city's art show that year.

painting day with Moose, actual scale is about 3x5. Lost At Sea.

sponge painted star cutouts, about 9x12. Stars In Their Multitude, Scarce To Be Counted, Painting the Chaos. (lyrics from les Miserables)

experimenting with a palette knife. the camera refused to focus on it properly, also about 9x12. Unsettled.

the fabrics bought in the last year, left to right the (abandoned) doll projects are: art deco wedding gown in ivory and creme, Wonder Woman Amazonia cosplay for Cori, silver & black tuxedo gown, pinstriped (floral) rose-shaped dress, butterfly-skirted gown with taupe-ish bodice, and Asian-inspired summer dresses. i didn't realize i'd bought the same design in two color patterns until i found the silver&lilac version in the closet last week.

also one of the new Soom limited that both Kyu and i are absolutely CRAZY in love with. for him she's a gorgeous bat-girl, for me, she's close enough to my long-coveted Vesuvia that i think i could pretend- and maybe buy the scorpion tail part down the road, since it's the only part i'd really need still. basically i'm gonna do everything i can to earn enough money to order her before the end of her listed time. i dunno yet what that time frame is, but based on the options we picked for the mock order i did Migma (+spare body, +1wig, +outfit) in lavender skin will be about 1540 for us. X.x slightly less, but it's better to aim higher when saving. Kyu has said as much as he desperately wants her, if we don't have the whole amount in time, we won't order. his full paychecks go to bill-and-rent paying, so he's hoping for an increase in customers at the tattoo shop to fund this. his tattoo income is all that pays for us having any fun at all. i'm gonna look and see what else i can possibly sell in the next few weeks to try and pull this off. xD she's so awesome i ALMOST regret going for the Adamelli twin girls, because if i hadn't the stuff i sold already would bring in half of what we need. i did order them though, and i'm still looking forward to their arrival. if we pull what we need together he'll be getting the bat version pretty much exactly as she's shown, with the wig, outfit, and open-mouthed head, and i'll have the lavender-but-otherwise-human body with the close-mouthed head. the Cuprit things i kept will dress mine until i sew more for them. i'm really hoping we manage to pull this off. *hopeful happy dance*

State of the Neko address: week 72

2011-07-07T20:39:00.002-05:00

song+ Wasted Years- Maroon 5- Live: Friday the 13th
book+ Nora Roberts' Bridal Quartet series
quest+ getting rid of a bunch more stuff
upper+ making serious progress
downer+ still tons to get through
attire+ shorts and a grey tank
drink+ water

not being a Monday, this is late, but this week i don't really care. our phones are temporarily off, service should be restored this weekend upon paying the phone bill. i've made substantial progress in my efforts to clean up and get rid of stuff, but i forgot that Harley's training takes a giant leap back for a few days every time we really clean. last night she got on the counter and knocked a thawing tray of pork chops to the floor then ate half of them. she was put in her kennel as punishment but remained unrepentant. after Kyu left for work, but while i was still asleep, she knocked over the trashcan and dragged its contents across the entire downstairs of the apartment. it still looks like raccoons threw a wicked house party, and i've been cleaning up for a solid hour already. i've got the kitchen more or less in line again, but since the living room carpet is less broom-friendly and has more furniture to work around i'm taking a well-deserved break to save my back. X.x i'll get back to it in a bit, when this is out of my system.

if the dog's behavior hadn't imploded last night i'd be upstairs trying to finish the office today. my goal is to get it organized enough to set up both my easel and the exercise equipment i actually do own.. it's presently stuffed in the downstairs closet. i've gone through boxes and boxes of art supplies and two HUGE portfolios of old art and weeded out the useless things. i didn't realize i had three almost identical sets of oil pastels. i how have two (one unopened and one well-loved) and the third (gently used) is going to Moose who expressed a desire to play around with them a few months ago (not knowing i had some for her, as i myself didn't know) i also have three different sets of watercolor pencils (two of which are specialized for doll face ups; 1 neutral/peach/brown and 1 pink/purple/grey), a nearly-pristine set of chalk pastels, two differently sized sets of Prismacolor colored pencils, two differently sized sets of Prismacolor markers (plus assorted grey scale separates), about five of the exact same inking pen (but being my favorite i knew i had multiples of it), three or four metallic paint pens (gold and silver) in thin tip, wide tip, and calligraphy tip- some of which seem to be exploded messes from storage at the wrong temperature. i got rid of lots of the art done in high school by myself and Kyu. not all of it, but the stuff neither one of us really liked. i kept mostly what i wanna actually display, and Kyu did the same, and i also kept one piece that i'm not crazy about, but i did SUCH a good job i couldn't stand to let it go. no false modesty there. xD it's a bright green snake working it's way through grey scale foliage, done in colored pencil and charcoals over an immensely frustrating week my senior year. i have no fondness for snakes, but it's so GOOD i can't make myself throw it out. i found more paintbrushes, and shoes from old dolls that fit Vanille (my pukifee Shiwoo) and Chloe (Kyu's Uyoo).

aside from finding things i knew i'd kept but couldn't figure out where, i'm realizing that i don't need most of what i held on to. i'm fully aware of my pack-rat nature, and i've been fighting it for years now, but going through this crap i can't imagine why i kept some of it in the first place. i sincerely doubt that next week i'll find myself regretting throwing out a journal with half-formed essays from my freshman English class. for most of them i ran out of time to write before i got my point across. so yeah, getting rid of stuff isn't emotionally harrowing for me or anything, it's just that we've got SO MUCH STUFF between the two of us, it's taking a long time to get at it all. i am proud to say though that rather than a packed-full closet that won't close in the office, there are now three neatly-sealed and labeled boxes on the top shelf and a stack of action figures in their boxes since there's no space to display them on the floor next to a single portfolio of art we're keeping and one full of unused canvasses and blank sketchpads. xD granted, i still have my rather substantial fabric hoard to get sorted and organized, but that's the fun part, so i'm saving it for after the weeding-out is done. xD of course, when the office is done it's on to the bedroom, then the living room. i figure if i do the living room last, i'll be around (and not upstairs working) to calm Harley's freaking out and we can possibly keep her from undoing it all.

i'm looking forward to being done for a few reasons. for one thing i really hate to clean, but another is once we have less stuff laying around i'll have a better idea of what space we'll need when we move this fall. the place that Kyu wants didn't have an available unit to tour when i went by with Moose, but Kyu's seen it since it's where James was living when they met in junior high. there's a floor plan with dimensions for it online and i worked it out on graph paper, but i'm visual enough to wanna walk through it before committing. it's a little bit smaller than our current place but would save us about $200 every month. the other big reason i wanna be done is that i have ideas for sewing and painting and various dolly & hobby endeavors but i'm trying to be mature and finish what i already started first. maturity sucks. xD i wanna work on purple glitter sneakers, and ivory lace ballgowns, and completely abstract swirly painted messes of emotion, but instead i'm cleaning up after the dog, then later clearing out piles of junk we don't need. *sigh* yeah it looks better, but i'm really a very instant-gratification kind of person. i'm willing to work for a reward, but i prefer them immediately and not in the long-term. that's why it's so hard for me to work out consistently even though i hate being overweight; it's not an immediately obvious reward. like if i sew a dress, then i have a dress at the end. if i paint something, i have artistic feedback from whoever i show it to. when i work out i'm just tired and sweaty at the end, it's not like someone's all "oh, wow you're suddenly 2 sizes smaller, that's amazing!" X.x when i dance i have fun, but there's not space for that now, and when i (used to) run it gave me good thinking time, but my asthma kicked in and i pretty much had to stop running until i could control it, and by that point my chest was too massive to behave any speed quicker than a brisk walk. i miss being able to run without pain and discomfort, but i was like 12 or 13 last time i could. maybe when the office is done i'll take the Xbox upstairs and hook up the Kinect to dance in there without tripping over the dog.

really lately i've just been missing the feeling of throwing clay on the wheel in my old ceramics class. i can see what i'd like to make (stoneware inspired by each of my very different family members), but i don't have a way to do any of it and that has me frustrated. i suppose the answer is to say that yeah, Jenni i'm totally interested in anything you can tell me about taking college courses. and hey, i even found my high school transcript in the cleaning process! xD

also when are we gonna have our next Girl Day? the Xbox/Kinect and Dance Central (for grownups) Kinect Adventures (for kids) are totally ready for family awesome-time. as am i, i miss you guys.

State of the Neko address: week 71

2011-06-28T21:42:00.000-05:00

song+ Love You Like A Love Song- Selena Gomez & the Scene- When the Sun Goes Down
book+ nothing
quest+ getting rid of a bunch of stuff
upper+ getting out more lately
downer+ Kyu didn't get the better job
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ water

i want a home, a place of my own that i can put myself into. i want it to look like an extension of us, i want built-in shelving for the multitude of books (and toys, let's be honest) owned by myself and Kyu. i want to paint every room in colors other than white. i am SICK of white walls, it's all i've seen wherever i've lived for most of my life, i'm ready for color everywhere. i want a yard so Harley can run and play in it to release her energy and not chew up everything she can reach. i wanna hang art without worrying about what'll happen to my security deposit, and i wanna be able to invite people over without worrying about strange neighbors doing bizarre things to freak them out. i'm not at a point where it's realistic to go about looking for a home yet though, so instead i'm looking for an apartment we can live in for a few years that i won't hate after 6 months. tomorrow Moose is taking me to look at some places that i found online that are comparable to our current place so far as floorspace goes, but considerably more affordable due to not being on the college campus. all options are within the same walking distance from Kyu's job that our current place is, and two of them will save us a noticeable amount on our bills every month (courtesy of actually being bills-paid). after talking to the management and possibly touring the grounds i'll have a better idea of where we should focus our efforts. it's my job to do the initial searching, eliminating the things that obviously won't work since Kyu doesn't have the time, working what amounts to two full-time jobs.

i hate living in this neighborhood, and i realize that there's not much better we can do while we're still walking everywhere, but there are places where we won't hear drunken college parties ending at 3am. i don't wanna worry about the guests of residents of the place across the street parking in reserved spaces in front of my door for said parties (agitating the dog), then swearing loudly when the party is done and their vehicle has been towed (agitating the dog, myself, and Kyu). i've been dealing with that for about 3 years now. i want the kitchen to work, all of it. in our current kitchen, half of the cabinets can't be opened without smashing into the ceiling lighting, the oven's pilot light goes out about every other day, the dishwasher has never worked, and the sink doesn't drain (and it smells atrocious). we wash dishes in the half-bath sink under our stairs. in addition to all that our refrigerator door is attached backwards. easily the least of our troubles, but it's frustrating to have nothing work and nothing get fixed, ever. in addition to the fail!kitchen, our whole complex loses AC about once a month on average, nothing has been done about the bug problem we've been fighting for years, and the upstairs bathroom is breaking down. there's a rust-worn hole in the sink, the shower head is coming detached from the wall and the angle can't be changed at all, and the hot water knob has fallen off a few times and only works a third of the time.. of course since it's always stupid hot, we just take cold showers anyway. *sigh*

i think i wanna go back to school. or more accurately, i think i wanna finally start college. i miss taking art courses, not for instruction really, but companionship and inspiration of fellow creative types. i wanna take all kinds of art classes though, sculpture, pottery, drawing, painting, glass blowing, metal working. i wanna try it all, but i REALLY miss working with clay on the wheel. i loved the semester of ceramics where i was throwing dishes. i think i ended up giving away most of it, and the stuff i kept mostly got broken in the course of multiple moves, but i wanna do more. i've always wanted to create. my goal for my future has always been simple: i want to successfully share my artistic vision with someone else. all i want is for someone to look at a finished piece and see what i envisioned when i conceived the idea. that's part of why i have little professional ambition, as long as someone understands what i'm trying to do, i'm satisfied. it's not the most financially secure point of view to have though, and i realize i need to be doing more. maybe by refining my skills and expanding what i know i'll find a way to make my art do more for me. because 90% of my creative process is instinct, i have trouble when it comes to trying to figure out a price to sell anything at that's fair to both myself and a potential buyer. i do it as a form of cathartic therapy, so beyond the cost of material what's a fair profit? i don't know comparatively what my feelings captured are worth to someone else. i dunno, i guess the easiest thing to do would be to gather a selection of what i've done then ask people what they'd be willing to pay for it? facing other people judging my vision is terrifying though. i had a pretty huge panic attack last Christmas when i decided to bring my dress design portfolio to the family gathering to ask for feedback, i'm terrified i'm not half as good as i think i am.

in preparation for moving (even though it's still a few months away) i've been going through my collections of STUFF accumulated through the years, and i've realized that a lot of it means nothing to me at all anymore. it just stuff and i don't think i'll have any trouble getting rid of it. this means that closets full of boxes of stuff can be reduced to actually organized closets with a logical inventory system for art supplies and finished projects, organized boxes of books can be unpacked to actual shelving so it can be read again, and the tons of comic issues i have in both single issue and trade/hard cover format can be sold for store credit to buy something else that'll take up much less space. like another Wonder Woman shirt (because you can never have too many) or models for my Warhammer army, or trades that have been released in the past year that i didn't buy yet. i'm also ready to finally go through my closet and get rid of the stuff that doesn't fit anymore (and hasn't in a LONG time). holding onto it while i steadily gained weight was a form of denial, and if i get rid of it i'll have space for the stuff that does fit, and when i do lose weight again, i can buy new cuter things to make up the difference.. though i'll also take in the bigger things i don't wanna get rid of. in the last 7 years i've gone from a size 8 to a size 18 (then back down to 16), and i don't like being so big. i know i'll never be slim, but i'd be happy to be an 8 again. i'm eating healthier though, limiting fast food, and quitting soda. drinking more juices, and less milk (which for me really is an issue). most importantly i'm actually doing things again. i walk to and from the tattoo shop a few nights a week for social interaction, and i walk Harley with Kyu at night around the neighborhood. i walked 2 miles on the Lamar high track with Moose and Eric a few weeks ago, and we'll be going again before too long. if i can get enough thrown out to streamline the living room's layout i'll hook up my Kinect again and get back to dancing for my workout, but it's tricky since it requires so much space and Harley is prone to getting in the way. i have my Wii hooked up in the office, but it's too crowded to use in there right now, and after the Kinect, the Wii feels too easy, like i'm not trying hard enough. xD

State of the Neko address: week 70

2011-06-21T17:51:00.002-05:00

song+ Don't Tell Me- Avril Lavigne- Under My Skin
book+ nothing
quest+ finishing the dress i'm sewing
upper+ Kyu's job interview is Thursday!
downer+ been feeling under the weather
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ water

i've been thinking about weddings lately. i suppose it's a side effect of having my childhood best friend get married recently and having another good friend in the midst of planning hers. part of the reason that Kyu and i have made no efforts to get married ourselves, is that it's kinda the last grown-up thing we haven't tried. a lot of growing up was forced on us earlier in our relationship, so not being married is kinda like a rebellion against growing up. we've been a couple for 9 years, and living together for 5 or 6 of them. spring of 2014 will be our 10 year high school reunion, and i've realized i wanna be married by then. i know i'm a different person now than i was then, and i don't want the defining thing about the 10 year span of time to be my inability to accept change in my life. so yeah, i'm talking things over with Kyu and i'm starting to plan things again. i've got designs for dresses drawn up that i wanna talk over with mom, since she'll be sewing them. i'm starting to think about themes and how much of it i can do myself, because i want something deeply personal, created just for us to be shared with the people we love. i'll wanna talk to my sisters too, because the ones that have had weddings are sure to have advice on what i may not realize will be difficult, and the ones that haven't had them are inherently creative and know me very well, and i think they'll have insights into personalization that won't occur to me. i've started making lists though. xD so far the prevailing school of thought is Old Hollywood Glamour as a theme. movie star gowns and Rat Pack suits, with fedoras. i was initially inclined to 50s inspired gowns, but i've found myself working closer to a 30s Art Deco inspiration.

i've been working on sewing a doll dress in the silhouette of my designed gown to see how workable it is, and so far i'm pleased. it's slow-going though, my sewing machine has been in Krista's car since late-April, so i'm doing everything by hand. xD it's actually a relatively simple pattern for the complexity of the design, and i think if it works out right, it's one i could be content to replicate for sales purposes. i'm eager to see how it'd turn out in different fabrics too, with alternate detailing. the current iteration is being done in shades of red, because that's what i have on hand, and it's for FaithAnn because she's the most in need of attention lately. i took a break from it yesterday after cutting my finger, but i think today i'm ready to get back to work on it.

while working on other things, i've been working on listening to all my music again. i'm working my way through my iTunes library alphabetically. i've finally reached B, but it'll be a long while still before it's done and everything's been listened to. it's made me realize that as much as i love music, and i'm a decent singer, i don't think of myself as a musician. i have a great appreciation for it, and it's always with me in some way, but i lack the capacity to create it and express myself adequately. Kyu was asking if i want a guitar or a drum set to lean to express it, but i think i'd rather learn piano or keyboard, for space reasons primarily, but also because i imagine it's the best option for fingers prone to locking in position. anything that requires precise finger placement is pretty much not an option for me. my double-jointed fingers (everything but my thumbs) lock into position involuntarily from time to time, which is why i was so terrible at recorder when i learned it in elementary school. X.x i wish i could figure out how to share what i hear though, i'm better at expressing my artistic visions than my musical ones.

State of the Neko address: week 69

2011-06-15T17:27:00.001-05:00

song+ Magic- B.o.B.- the Adventures of Bobby Ray
book+ nothing
quest+ getting painting again
upper+ Kyu may have a new job lined up
downer+ can't think of one..
attire+ blue and white sundress
drink+ milk

things are going a bit better on the computer front now. Kyu bought a replacement monitor for 5 bucks that had no cords, but it ended up being just as dead as my other one, so we dug into the closet and got out our bulky spare. my desk had to be pulled away from the wall to fit it, but i'm at my computer again, even if i am back at 800 resolution. xD i got spoiled by my old wide screen. *sigh*

last weekend was fun with Lachelle's wedding reception. i went with Moose as Kyu had to be at a tattoo convention and Eric hurt himself so we were both without our boyfriends. that worked out fine really. xD we danced together and had fun sitting with Jenni & Derek, and off and on Angela & Jaren and Angela & Bret.

it's funny, as soon as i made the actual decision to go to the bank and talk to someone about getting a loan or credit card to buy what i still need to REALLY get my business going, i managed to find the paintbrushes i've been looking for for about 3 months. xD i guess that means i'm doing the right thing? i'm a big believer in nonverbal signs from the universe that i'm doing the right thing, sometimes it's a feeling, and sometimes it's EVERYTHING going right for me. xD yesterday i registered Atelier Nekokoi as my business name, with the things mom translated for me being used to differentiate the types of products i'll be offering. Atelier du Coeur will be my paintings, Atelier de l'Ame the doll dresses. i'm not sure what will be Atelier de l'Esprit but the three all felt right to me. today i'm going back to the bank to see what i qualify for with the initial steps taken care of.. i'm cautiously excited. xD (having been i should have results in the mail in like a week, acceptance or rejection, at least i've taken the first step.)

but yeah, yesterday afternoon i found my paintbrushes after getting home from registering the name. they were in a place i've easily checked four or five times, but having found them, i've washed the dust out of them and am looking forward to using them. i enjoyed my painting day with moose a while back, but i wanna be able to paint as a solitary venture since that's likely to turn out entirely different results. i just have to put away some of the other art stuff in the office first so there's room to set up my easel. xD i have so much art stuff that i can't have it all in a position to be used at the same time. since we're getting onto Pathfinder now, i'll likely put away my Warhammer things in the hall closet, and some of my fabric inventory in the office closet so i can set up the easel by the window. that seems like the best compromise to me in terms of productivity and ease.

State of the Neko address: week 68

2011-06-11T11:48:00.002-05:00

song+ Better than Revenge- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ Pokemon Emerald guide
quest+ getting my back normal again
upper+ X-Men: First Class was amazing!
downer+ i may not have enough for hair dye?
attire+ pajamas for a while longer
drink+ milk

so i've been less present than normal this week for internet-ish things. my computer's monitor died last weekend (after about 6 years of pretty much constant use) so my only access has been Kyu's laptop. this sounds fine in theory, but having my computer remember 90% of my passwords for me has me struggling to sign into anything more than e-mail. X.x also, the convenience of the laptop encourages nestling it in my laptop for hours of whatever-ing and being hunched over for the better part of a week has left my back incredibly sore. i've been trying to fix it for a day now with exaggerated leaning back and elaborate pillow constructs designed to help me stretch out the cramping. fortunately Kyu has a lead on a replacement that'll actually fit at my desk. i like my desk, but it was designed by a snob that assumed everyone on earth has a flat, non-bulky screen for their PC. it kinda limits my replacement options since only certain types will even fit.

otherwise i guess things are going fine. the Pathfinder game continues to be fun, and a select few of us are thinking of doubling up and playing a secondary game to explore alternate characterization. i've got the base colors on Krista's ranger character model. the details will get finished when i can find my super fine brush. my animal companions have been painted rather accurately and my Druid model has been primed. any further progress is waiting for the back pain to recede since i'd rather not have my efforts wrecked by involuntary twitching. X.x

i found my copy of Zelda: Minish Cap this week and started a new file on it. for the first time i managed to beat it! i'm kinda thrilled over it still as the unrelenting boss difficulty has always held me back before. one of my attempts stalled at the (real) air temple, and another at the final series of fights. this time i made it through to the Vaati fights at 8 hearts (with no way to refill) 3 bottled fairies (which do revive in this game, but only restore like 4 hearts!) and Farore's bottled charm (increased dmg output/ half dmg taken for a limited time). i used all of my fairies after dying in rounds two and three and the charm at the last minute (i'd honestly forgotten i had it). i ended at two and three quarters hearts and the volume off so i wouldn't hear the obnoxious "you're about to die! oh no!" chiming. thanks game, if not for your persistent beeping i'd be entirely unaware that i'd gone from 19 health to less than three! ugh. it sounds like i'm complaining, but i enjoyed playing it. i think it's one of the most challenging Zelda titles without edging into "the game is cheating" unrelenting difficulty. i can't beat Spirit Tracks because the haunted trains cheat and there's a mini game that stops me after two temples that i've never managed to pass. if i could bypass the touch controls i'd likely do better, but i can't so i've yet to beat that game though i was really enjoying it until that point.

State of the Neko address: week 67

2011-06-02T09:12:00.001-05:00

song+ ET- Katy Perry- Teenage dream
book+ nothing
quest+ getting my hair red
upper+ this week has been mostly awesome
downer+ i may not have enough for hair dye?
attire+ jeans and a red blouse
drink+ water

i just realized it's Thursday and i hadn't yet posted for this week. xD i've had a great one though, been busy and social and productive.

Sunday night Wolfie and Suzy were in a motorcycle accident. they're both okay, but the bike didn't make it. essentially they were heading down Cooper (a 7-lane street for the reference of non-local readers 3 one way, 3 the other and a turn lane in the middle) in the left lane going their direction when some jerk in the far right lane decided to make a 90 degree turn across two lanes to make it to the turn-lane. he cut off other cars too, but Wolfie had to lay the bike down to keep from being hit directly by the front end of that guy's car. Suzy fell off and rolled and another driver's good reflexes kept her from being hit (just scraped and bruised). Wolfie ended up flying over the bike and landing on the car's front hood, at which point the guy gunned the engine to make him fall off it and tried to flee the scene. he didn't get away. the bike is a loss (after less than a month of having it) and since there's PLENTY of witnesses the guy's insurance will be the one paying out. this led to me chihuahua-sitting during the requisite hospital trip to check for damage and get tetanus shots, then more overnight when they stayed with a friend to be pampered.

Monday was Lachelle's bridal shower. Jenni picked me up so i was able to make it and spend some time catching up, then after that i had plans with Krista. we went up the the Highlands and visited Moose at work. she did our makeup for fun, really so we could visit and have it look like she was still working, then we left her and visited all the neat stores we never really have time to look at around there. Charming Charlie's is possibly the neatest store ever. i got a cute little black headband with a satin bow and some black feathers, and i kinda fell in love with this delightfully gaudy peacock-shaped bracelet that's practically made of swarovski crystals. i didn't get it, but i'm still thinking about it three days later, so i might at some point. it manages to cross the border from tacky to fantastic, i think. xD but basically Monday was running around having an awesome time looking at things we mostly couldn't afford.

Tuesday was my chill day this week. i slept in, walked the dog, not much else. did a little further housing research locally. after the motorcycle drama of the weekend Kyu realized he's not ready to move away from his family. less as a security thing for him and more as a "what if they need me?" thing, so we're no longer thinking we'll move out of state and i've been refocusing my search on a few different local areas. i'm okay with Arlington, most of my family is here after all, but i'm also looking at other places that could be options depending on how a few other things work out in the next few months. for sure when our lease is up in October we want out of this place, even if it's to another apartment for a while, but i hate it here. before i just didn't like it, now i hate it. it sucks and i'm ready to be gone, so in October we will be.

Wednesday was another Krista day. we visited the one store we wanted to try out but couldn't Monday since they were closed, then headed to the mall to do more "oh i wish i had money" shopping together. xD Krista isn't a fan of the mall, so a nearly-barren Wednesday early-afternoon is the best time for her to go. we did find some really cute outfits for her though. almost entirely clearance items, so we actually made a return trip later and her boyfriend bought them for her. i did get one cute blouse (also clearance) though. i like shopping the closeout racks because with a little creativity the items can work in most any season, and if it's there for being damaged, my sewing skills are generally more than enough to repair something. my blouse had some lazy sewing and a few loose buttons. after about 10 minutes with it at home it looks fine, and not like a 12 dollar shirt. xD

today is scheduled to be a Moose day with a side helping of additional Krista. xD this morning Moose and i will be (most likely) doing my hair. i have an urge to be a redhead that was never actually accomplished before, so i figure if we could get me green before, we can probably get me red now. the dying is dependent on if i can find a shade i like for about 5 bucks since it's what i have left after yesterday. after hair adventures (however they turn out) we're meeting Krista and going shopping for Moose's anniversary gift to Eric. she's excited and a bit nervous as most of her relationships have never made it to a year. i think i'm a little jaded having been with my high school sweetheart for 9 years as of April.. xD i'm sure the three of us will find something good though.

State of the Neko address: week 66, part 3

2011-05-29T16:50:00.003-05:00

song+ Penny & Me- Hanson- Underneath
book+ Pathfinder core rulebook
quest+ getting my easel set up
upper+ the first Pathfinder game went well
downer+ i still have no paint brushes
attire+ green satin pajamas. oh yeah.
drink+ watermelon Arizona juice cocktail

so this week has been pretty interesting overall. Friday night Kyu tattooed me again, but i don't have a picture of it yet since it's on my back and still healing. i realize i still owe pictures of the dresses i've sewn for Althea and Azle, and of the paintings i did Thursday with Moose too, but my camera is acting up. hopefully i can get it to cooperate soon since i'm very pleased with it all. i'm also pleased with the tattoo, it's a crescent moon and six tiny stars all done in negative space by shading around them. they're falling down my spine from just under where the neckline of a tee shirt hits, and the whole thing is a little under 3 inches long (i think? i can't exactly measure it myself). i do try to choose places for my tattoos that can be relatively easily covered if i need to enter a working environment.

i think today will be spent working on the cloak and cape patterns for the awesome twins. if i get the patterns done today i can probably finish the capes tomorrow. once the patterns are finished i may work on my Pathfinder character model. i've bought her and done some nice work on converting a HUGE scythe to one more appropriate for her TINY height. now i just need to pin the scythe parts to her fist, and her arm back onto her body. it kinda fell off. xD once she's reassembled though i can get to working on painting her up.. also her Panther (Fluffy) and Fox (Renaud) companions. i looked up actual reference pictures for their coloring today so they look right and not like generic blobs of color.

i still need to finish reading the rulebook, but since we actually started playing yesterday i have a better understanding of what i need to know personally for a smoother gaming experience. i think i'll also re-read the Druid and Gnome pages in particular to see if there's a special way i can take my character to make her really useful to the party. the skills i started out focusing on are shared by Krista's Half-Elf Ranger, so i think i'll let her focus on those and i'll diversify a little to use the skills everyone else overlooked. xD like Knowledge:Nature and Knowledge:Geography, and because Druids can only wear naturally occurring (non-metallic) material Craft:Armor for myself. next time we kill a dragon i'm gonna use that skill to skin it and get myself a dragon-skull helmet and dragon hide cloak out of the thing since i can never equip any of the treasures we find. xD

State of the Neko address: week 66, part 2

2011-05-26T18:54:00.003-05:00

song+ Give a Little- Hanson- Shout It Out
book+ Pathfinder core rulebook
quest+ getting my easel set
upper+ i have a healthy supply of paint, canvas and glitter xD
downer+ i have no paint brushes
attire+ khakis and layered blue tanks
drink+ milk

this week's been pretty calm. i got possibly the fastest shipping ever on a miniatures order. placed it Monday night, had a shipping notice Tuesday morning, and opened the package Wednesday afternoon. i now have the model for my Pathfinder character, i just have to do a few modifications then paint her. should be fun! xD

Monday was a new-music day. i spent several hours going between wikipedia band discographies and my download sources looking to fill the gaps in my music catalog. it was successful as it nearly doubled what i had. time was also spent carefully removing everything i already had from iTunes, relocating it to a new Music directory on my external drive, then re-uploading it to iTunes. there was also some effort in making sure every album has the correct artwork, and deleting tracks that managed to get added more than once, from original albums, and then greatest hits, or a song and its remixes and any number of other examples. i'm sure i've missed some, but for now it's at a workable state, and it's displaying 29.42gb of music. xD too bad my iPod only holds like 6.5/7gb at a time.. i've been coping by switching synced playlists since i passed that point last summer.

i spent Tuesday with Krista. i've known her for a while (a little more than a year, i think) but the escalation to BFF level interaction has been pretty much just in the last month. we've discovered that we're very good friends, but it'd probably be better for the rest of the world if we weren't. xD i did tell her that BFF was a bit cliche, so she's instead Supreme Commander of Expeditionary Awesome.. because she's about the only person that can reliably get me to leave the house. we have many of the same mental issues in common, so there's an inherent understanding that makes it easy for us to nudge each other from sudden lousy moods.

Wednesday was very chill. i slept in bizarrely heavily. every time i woke up, i worked on reading the Pathfinder rulebook, only to find myself waking up again a few hours later. other times the rulebook hasn't put me to sleep, so i guess my body was trying to fight off sickness or something? in any case, the sleep was nice, no unpleasant dreaming or anything, and after i woke up for the last time i decided to work on listening to the new music instead. i still have a bunch to get through, but thus far i'm pleased with my acquisitions.

today i'll be spending time with Moose for the first time in a while. she should be here at about 11, so we'll see how that goes. xD most likely scenario is she gets here at least 10 minutes later than she suggested for a meeting time. she's capable of being on time, but more for work than anything social in my experience. my habit is to be ready at the proposed time (for the rare instance she's on-time) but to add 20 minutes to her arrival time and be pleasantly surprised if she's earlier than that. it's kinda a cynical outlook, but it keeps me from being disappointed while waiting. *shrug*

as of today Shale and Adamelli are no longer available for sale, so i'm taking pleasure in the knowledge that i didn't just manage to order, but ordered early enough to place myself toward the top of the waiting list. while that won't necessarily expedite the shipping of my order, it's something i feel good thinking about. shipping is predicted to take place late Aug/early Sep so there's plenty of time still to prepare by buying wigs for both and eyes for Krista's girl, but i started on something for them to wear when they first arrive over the weekend. i'm sewing to fit the Kid Delf measurements, because by the numbers they're almost the same. silhouette-wise i could be screwing myself though, so i'm doing looser-fitting than my usual design style just in case.i have one pink halter-toga dress with grey ribbon accents (for my Seraph- Althea), and one green princess-cut ballet dress with ecru lace accents (for Krista's Unicorn- Azle). both will be accented with red cloaks, or more accurately- Althea will have a cloak (complete with red hood) and Azle will have a tie-front cape like she's a hooved superhero. xD they'll be adorable though. working out the patterns shouldn't be difficult with all my practice making people-sized cloaks and capes for various costuming endeavors.

having now finished my day with Moose, she was only like 5 minutes late, and i can say i had a great time. we went to Asel Art for half-price canvases (i got 5 of varying sizes for 5 bucks) and spent the day at her place painting. i got three paintings finished, all in different art styles, and we've made tentative plans to have another painting day on her next day off. when i have money again i think i'll actually buy myself some brushes so i don't have to rely on her to do anything at all. i did find some good deals on mid-quality brushes online, and i can do mid-range for most stuff with good ones for detail work. i'm also thinking about trying more palette knife type techniques. i experimented with an improvised one today and i think i like what it could do for some effects a brush leaves streaky. i used a makeshift one today for a sunset effect that didn't quite work, but a real one is more maneuverable and i think it'd have better control.

overall i'm pleased with the three paintings i finished, but i think i could do better with my own supplies and less distractions. xD between the canvasses i already owned and the ones i bought today, using the three i did leaves me with nine still blank. four specific ones are reserved for a certain project, but the other five could easily be used to improve my technique to the point where i maybe wouldn't feel like i was screwing someone over if i sold a painting. between materials consumed and time spent any craft that gets sold needs to be priced at a certain minimum, but i'm frequently reluctant to add much past that like it's not good enough. X.x i think with time (which i have) and space (which i'm working on) and decent materials to work with (namely brushes) i can turn out something better. i'm still using acrylics now, but i think soon i'll finally be ready to try out the oil set that i've been holding on to (afraid to use) for like 8 years. xD

State of the Neko address: week 66

2011-05-23T01:25:00.002-05:00

song+ Till the World Ends- Britney Spears- Femme Fatale
book+ Honest Illusions
quest+ getting my Pathfinder character built
upper+ the Unicorn/Seraph twins have been ordered
downer+ nothing i can think of presently
attire+ khakis and my Mario Kart tee
drink+ milk

so i did see Thor last week, and it was as good as everyone said it would be. i've done some sewing for the Adamelli girls that likely won't make it home until August at the earliest, and the stuff is pretty cute. i'm pleased. xD

unrelated, the increased frequency of trailers for X-Men First Class had me looking it up on IMDB and Wikipedia. the cast list has me TOTALLY PSYCHED for it! i know that some of the other X-Men films have been less than stellar, but seeing the Hellfire Club as the villains (and the casting for Sebastian Shaw and Emma Frost in particular) has me more and more excited. Kevin Bacon and January Jones? yes, please! also the choices for the lesser known mutants to round out the cast have me really excited.

it's boring to watch the original 5 all the time, so seeing Havok (the other Summers brother), Banshee, Darwin, and girl!Angel is pretty awesome to me, even if Beast is randomly there without Cyclops (but hey- we get his brother), Jean (with Emma and Xavier there's no need for a third telepath), Iceman, or guy!Angel (really two Angels would be confusing). also (mutant-not-demon) Azazel and Mystique (probably?) fighting on the same side makes me kinda happy inside since they're Nightcrawler's future (at this point) parents.

i'm excited from a costuming perspective, the costumes are closer to the comics and further from the other movie's leather-is-all-we-need perspective. i squealed in glee the first time i saw Banshee's striped wing glide-enabling arm-to-torso things, and again when i saw Emma in her White Queen regalia turning to diamond. Emma's by far my favorite X-book character (so delightfully manipulative and droll), and i think i love villain!Emma more than reformed and co-leading the X-Men!Emma. i'm hoping this one will be better than the other X-films, like Iron Man and Thor have been good. i know that there's a good chance it could end up closer in watchability to Daredevil or Wolverine Origins, especially being unaffiliated with the Avengers build-up, but with the better Marvel movies lately i can't help being excited. xD

i've watched all the available trailers so far for it and while there's the expected mish-mash of canon and random, the details of how all the powers work/are controlled, and the cause of Beast's secondary mutation are accurate and made me hop out of my seat clapping. even Kyu is psyched for this one, HE suggested we hit it up with the Warhammer/Pathfinder group. like after work that Friday, or after the usual gaming that Saturday (which is the day we always see each other. it'll be totally awesome, i can already tell.

State of the Neko address: week 65

2011-05-16T20:51:00.003-05:00

song+ Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes- Fall Out Boy- Folie a Deux
book+ my journal?
quest+ getting the GameStop job i applied for
upper+ the Unicorn/Seraph twins have been ordered
downer+ it's another few weeks before i'll know on the GameStop app
attire+ jean skirt and my pink Thor-petting-a-unicorn tee
drink+ Sun Drop

the last week has been pretty exciting for me. substantial progress has been made on the doll sales i only really started Thursday. of all the stuff listed only three things have yet to be paid for, and two of them are being held. it's gone so well that i ordered and paid in full for the Adamelli twin girls that i'll be splitting with my friend Krista. the plans for the girls changed a few times, but Saturday when i showed her pictures she melted and decided to split off the unicorn one, which works fine for me since the one i really want is the human version (but with the tiny wings on her head). Krista wants ours to look like the display ones, but we're gonna make slight changes. we're ordering similar (but much cheaper) wigs and eyes. i'm actually gonna use the Cass eyes since the size is perfect, and i've picked a few different pupil-less designs for her to look at for hers, either in pastel shades, or glittery to go with mine. there's still time for her to decide and for us to order, so it's not something she'll have to rush or anything. xD i'll be doing their faceups, and the minor cosmetic modding to disguise the magnet-holes in the calf of the hoof-legs. since the wings will be part of my girl, it's only right that i hide the open wounds where they could attach to the legs. i'm very excited about the project though! so far as dressing them goes, their dimensions are almost identical to the Bory girl i still haven't sold, so i can use her to make some stuff while i wait for them. yay! xD

Saturday other strides were made in alternate hobby areas. about half the Warhammer group (the good half: me & Kyu, James, Alex & Krista, and Gami) are looking into starting to play Pathfinder as an alternative to Warhammer. not all the time, but to change things up sometimes since the same thing all the time gets boring. as of this last weekend, we've pretty much all picked our initial race and class and decided that Kyu will be our GM. we're a while from playing still, but it should be fun. depending on when we manage to start, (Blind!)Justin may also join us, but since he's moving back home this summer, we're not centering our plans around him. and complete tangent, but you haven't seen dedicated hobbying until you've watched a blind guy table someone at a visually-based miniatures strategy game. xD

Sunday was Justin's celebratory "hooray i finally graduated college!" dinner at Chili's and there was a pretty huge crowd there, it was fun. while there was guy-on-guy flirting, good natured teasing about molesting the blind guy (and how he'd never see it coming), things being lit on fire, and condiments being dumped on the table to doodle in, none of it was Kyu's doing! i was a little amazed. xD granted none of those are habits or set-in-stone behaviors, but he's done each of them at some point in the past. admittedly, his condiment, toothpick & cherry tomato art installation piece was a few years ago at Wendy's and entirely on the disposable paper tray liner. less obnoxious to clean up after for sure than directly on a table.

sometime this week i hope to (finally) see Thor. i'm looking forward to it, and everyone ever has said it's good. this means there's a 45% chance i'll be in that minority that absolutely loathes it (like Dark Knight- i'm the token hater in pretty much any group talking about Heath Ledger's Joker) but i think i should be okay with this one since i don't have any rabid Thor fanaticism to color my opinion of it. xD yay doll stuff and nerdy comic book movies!

State of the Neko address: week 64, part 2

2011-05-13T16:03:00.002-05:00

song+ Let Me Blow Ya Mind- Eve (ft Gwen Stefani)- Scorpion
book+ my journal?
quest+ trying to earn enough to order my Seraph in time
upper+ things are selling quickly!
downer+ there's no interest in the Beyla parts?
attire+ khakis and my Human Torch barbecue tee
drink+ Dr Pepper

so of all the items i listed for sale yesterday, only the Beyla fantasy parts and R head are left unbought. that's an absurdly quick response to a sales thread.. like ninja shopping or something. xD i'm VERY close to being able to order my Adamelli twins, and that's awesome.

i'm hoping that the rest will sell soon so i can order their proper wigs and eyes about the same time, just so i don't forget about it. i don't want the ones they're shown with, i'm thinking i actually want wine red curls and eyes in a vivid mint or lilac. i haven't decided yet. possibly one of each. i actually have the glittery lilac eyes from Soom Cass.. i wonder if i could buy a pair of glittery green ones from a different MD for a reasonable amount..? (probably not) i want them very obviously inhuman, but not menacing at all. i've decided on the names Althea (for the Seraphic human) and Amelia (for the unicorn girl) and i've designed a few different robes in a blend of Greco-Roman and Angelic styles. these girls are gonna be awesome! xD i'm super-psyched about them! sewing for immature little-girl MSD bodies will be like a vacation after spending the last several months fighting the nightmarish (but great-to-look-at) EID curves. i'm looking forward to sewing for them.

in the interest of thinning out my bulk supply of stuff-i-don't-need, it occurs to me that i have other limited (or just expensive) outfits from other companies that won't fit any of the dolls i've kept. i know i have some DOT outfits (and possibly shoes too) and tons of F2BM stuff i custom-fitted to the DOC girl i sold back in February. i'm thinking for that i may do a bulk lot or two. there's enough of it, and it was super cheap initially, but you can't get it anymore so there's probably some demand for it..

State of the Neko address: week 64

2011-05-12T05:09:00.000-05:00

song+ Sunday Morning- Maroon 5- Songs About Jane
book+ Chronicles of Narnia
quest+ trying to earn enough to order my Seraph in time
upper+ i have enough to sell
downer+ i don't know if they'll sell in time
attire+ pajama shorts and a tank top
drink+ milk! yay milk

so i'm (way) late again with the posting this week, but things are okay. i'm working on following up on the job application i turned in at GameStop a while back. nothing yet, but i'm cautiously optimistic.

i'm sorely tempted by Soom again. i was doing so well for a while, but Roro pointed out Adamelli to me and i'm SO tempted! i want her in her beautiful human form with her little wings to be a Seraph, but Kyu wants her in the unicorn form, so i'm looking to see if it's possible at all to order. my mock order told me i'll need $639 after shipping for both blank and nude (slightly more if i end up doing a layaway). being crazy poor is lame, so i'm now hoping to sell some of the stuff i was fleetingly tempted by before that i no longer have any use for. basically i have a Bygg (whose tail vanished, but is otherwise entirely complete), both Beyla heads and fantasy parts, and the complete outfits of Glot, Skoll, Beyla and Bygg. i'm hoping to successfully sell them, ideally in time to make her order before the deadline of May 25. i've been looking at what other people sell comparable items for and i THINK i have fair prices worked out, but i'm never sure if i'm over-charging for anything. i hate working with numbers. X.x i think my prices are reasonable based on what's searchable in the DoA marketplace and what i initially paid myself, but i'm not quite sure.

in any case, i need to take better sales photos of the outfits and the unicorn bits i'm gonna list. i really wish i knew where the Bygg tail vanished to, but for now i guess i'll just be listing an incomplete doll and adjusting the price accordingly. i think that if i get decent pictures soon though i can have my sales threads up today. i'm optimistic that people will reply eagerly, since i really want this girl. i want her as a little Seraph girl more than i've wanted any other doll in quite some time. if it came down to it, i'd probably be willing to sell my beloved Momo (a Soom Hati) if doing so would for sure get me this girl. i'm not listing Momo yet, i'm thinking the rest of this should be plenty, but i did think about it seriously. the only doll i've wanted more is Vesuvia. i still adore Vesuvia, but i'm fully aware that i'll never realistically be able to afford her. i actually have a (slim) chance of getting Adamelli, so i'm gonna try really hard for her.

*sigh* i'm obsessing over this doll. if i do get the position at GameStop that'll be great, but no way will it be in enough time to fund this endeavor. it's still a while before i know what's up with the job thing, but yeah, cautious optimism. xD

update for anyone interested: i've put up the three sales threads (since dolls can no longer share them) on DOA. Beyla parts, Bygg, and the outfits. feel free to share the links with anyone else that may be interested too.

State of the Neko address: week 63

2011-05-02T21:38:00.002-05:00

song+ Till the World Ends (remix) -Britney Spears feat. Nicki Minaj & Kesha
book+ S*A (all 17 volumes)
quest+ getting James' birthday present done
upper+ my wrist is finished and looks awesome!
downer+ the fumigation made no difference at all
attire+ pajama shorts and a tank top
drink+ milk! xD

let's see what's new since i last posted. more than i figured since last week's post came so late. XD

Saturday morning mom and i went to a Miniatures show in Dallas. some of the stuff was really neat, and we followed it up with Ihop, so that was fun all around. after returning to Arlington i dropped off my leftovers and picked up my army book to head up to the comic shop and watch everyone else play Fantasy games. i learn visually better than anything else, so i like watching. i spent lots of time talking with my friend Krista outside while she smoked too, she gets bored watching after a while, and is really fun to talk to, so i didn't mind. Kyu was gonna finish my Wonder Woman tattoo, but Vance (the tattoo shop owner) was in a bad mood, putting Kyu in a bad mood, and he's smart enough to know not to try to tattoo me in a lousy mood.

Sunday was better for that so i headed in with him to get it done, and Vance was asking why he's never done anything BIG on me. my answer was that he's shot down all my big designs as being to complex or annoying for his skill level and patience (which i can totally respect) but Vance decided to go through all his flash art to see if there was anything i'd agree to. he found a plushie cow design that was cute, it had a comic bookish "squeeze me!" caption bubble on the belly, and i suggested turning it into a moose instead. i even explained it as "i love my sister, but sometimes she just makes you wanna squeeze her until she can't speak". so i now have a completed amazon branding on my wrist, and the lines for my squishy moose adorning my left thigh.

it turns out tattooing me is hard and annoying because my skin rejects the ink, so the needle has to be extended a bit further, and injected a bit deeper. it's possibly related to how i heal really fast, and how my hair not only grows out crazy quick, but rejects foreign color and styling of any type. xD it's possible, but it's more difficult to do anything. Vance described it as having "rubbery skin" which i chose to interpret as a comment on my superhuman healing factor, and not an accidental comparison to a whale or walrus.. X.x after the line art has healed, we'll get to coloring it. i told Kyu that he can do it any colors he wants since it's a plushie and realism is not really a concern, and he said green and purple, but i have no idea if he was joking. xD i'm not worried really.

i'm working now on a way to put together a WHF Brettonian (Arthurian Britain really) army to a Narnian theme. i wanna do a list with the four Pevensie children, but i also wanna do a Prince Rilian/Green Knight list with a Lady of the Green Kirtle since the Silver Chair is my favorite Narnia book.. it's not one i can afford to but the things for (especially since i still haven't pulled together all my Dark Elf list) but it's fun to plan out something so heavily themed. xD really it'll only be to have fun with since most of the models will be heavily modded and from other army sets, most of the Brettonian models won't suit for what i have in mind at all.

i think for now that's all that's going on.

State of the Neko address: week 62

2011-04-28T08:09:00.001-05:00

song+ Penny & Me
book+ nothing presently
quest+ cleaning the apartment
upper+ noticeable progress has been made
downer+ there's still plenty to go
attire+ shorts and a tee shirt
drink+ water

so i'm fully aware that this is much later than my usual Monday post, but stuff's been going on here, so i've been busy. xD

we've been continuing to work on the cleaning (and eventual rearranging) of our apartment all week, but Sunday i took a break while Kyu had to go up to the tattoo parlor and joined Moose for a trip to Jenni's, which was lots of fun. less fun was getting home (after Kyu) and discovering our door was stuck closed. over the last year it had been acting up with increasing frequency. the tumblers in the knob would stick. usually it'd stick inside the door and one Fonz-punch would pop it back out, but a few times it stuck in the out position and the door wouldn't close until we'd banged at it enough. Sunday it happened to stick in the out position after the door was closed, where we couldn't reach to bang at it. we spent a few minutes pointlessly wiggling at it before Kyu unlocked the sliding patio door and i did a surprisingly graceful leap (in my heels too) across the two foot wide four foot long puddle below that door into the apartment. after i was in Kyu spent the next hour or two trying to get the thing open, he even drafted Wolfie's help. we couldn't tell what the problem was so we put in an emergency maintenance request Monday morning and i let Kyu out through the patio door and stayed awake to wait for the guy to come fix it. it was finally fixed by 4:30 and he'd explained to me that the interior tumblers in our door were just crazy old, so he replaced the insidey bits and it works perfectly now for the first time possibly ever. yay working door!

Tuesday and Wednesday were (for me) a continuing effort in the apartment cleanup because Harley manages to undo progress every night. it's kinda three steps forward, one back thanks to her. Wednesday evening though Kyu discovered that this Friday the complex is fumigating so we'll need to be mostly done cleaning by then AND we'll have to clear out four specific closets. i also have to think of something i can do out of the apartment for four hours that day, and i'll have to take Harley with me. i'm not thrilled about having to take the dog somewhere to play for four hours, but i also don't wanna poison her, so i'm trying to think of SOMETHING.

while i'm trying to think of what i'll do i'm also trying desperately to get more cleaning done so we can comply with the written notice and avoid a fee. there's still a good bit to get done today and tonight, but i'm reasonably confident i can get it all. i'm gonna be putting my foot down tonight though and insisting Kyu help, there's just too much to do it entirely by myself. X.x there's some upstairs clutter i'll take care of today no problem, but the living room mess (even after all the progress we've already made) is definitely a two person job. after we've cleaned up more Kyu wants to move things around so he's been asking me to design a new floor plan. he works best when i can show him visually what i want without excessive gesturing and "you know, that thing there, and this one here and so on" isn't likely to get agreement. xD

State of the Neko address: week 61, part 2

2011-04-24T01:52:00.002-05:00

song+ the Harold Song- Kesha- Cannibal
book+ nothing presently
quest+ cleaning the apartment
upper+ noticeable progress has been made
downer+ there's still plenty to go
attire+ shorts and a teal tank
drink+ milk!

my ears are healing nicely. we bought more peroxide so cleaning the is going quicker too. Kyu's complaining that traffic to the shop is light, but things are going well for him when people do come in. he's starting to build a decent portfolio of his work.

we're finally working on clearing out the upstairs closet so we can put some of the random stuff from the living room in it and get things out of Harley's chewing range. most of the stuff we'll be moving up there is Kyu's multiple (incomplete) Warhammer armies for both Fantasy and 40K. he has a full Vampire list, an Ogre battalion, FOUR of the Skaven half of Island of Blood plus extras he bought before that (though he's selling it for parts for his 40k list), and he's decided to start up Tomb Kings. on the 40k end of things he's got 2700 points of Necrons, and oodles of Chaos Marines. it NEEDS to be moved somewhere other than lining the front hall or piled behind his easy chair. my 2/3 of a Dark Elf list (i ran out of money and other things are higher priority) fits in a single shoebox, so my stuff has been kept out of dog-chewing range and i haven't had to replace things like he has. when i do have money again though i'll be ordering a second Cauldron of Blood, another (Reaper) hydra (since i don't like the GW sculpt), and another four boxes of (non-command) witch elves. i need another sorceress too, but the only model available is the Supreme one and i already have one of them, i want a little variety. those purchases will put me squarely at 2500 points which is the standard Fantasy value we play at the comic shop.

anyhow, other than the hobby-ing tangent, we're making progress sorting our things out. i found my five still-packed boxes of books and put them in the same place. i found another three boxes of art supplies i KNEW i owned but couldn't remember where they were put. in those boxes i saw a few yards of various cottons, unused canvases and sealed paint tubes, some yarn from my aborted scarf-making attempt from like 5 years ago, some blank sketchbooks, and my 96-pack of crayons. i'm looking forward to using it all up. xD i've only managed to unearth two paint brushes in all this searching and that's frustrating me to no end. i KNOW i had a decent selection of brushes before. nothing professional quality, but some good moderate quality beginner/student brushes in the sizes i saw myself potentially needing and now they're nowhere to be seen at all. it's frustrating because paint brushes (good ones) can be kinda pricey and i don't want to buy them AGAIN when i can't figure out why i don't have the ones i used to love. ugh.

basically after the moving of things this weekend to make space, i'll be going through the boxes one at a time to sort out the contents. the craft supplies will be added to my current stores and organized so i can find things when i need them. the books will (finally) get unpacked and put in a book case. lots of old stuff will be thrown out, and other things will be sold or given away. i'm ready to own less stuff, so i'm planning to sell lots of my comics. i mean the single issues since the long boxes are just taking up space currently and i have most of it in trade format already. other stuff is just sitting around not being played with (or even looked at in some cases) and i'm ready to get rid of lots of it. i compulsively collect cute little things that are useless, and designed to lay around and get dusty.. i'm working on that though. i have three or four collection of figurines all around the 2x2x3inch range. i need a way to display them all without using the front edges of shelves filled with other things. my idea of maximizing my display space is having the 12inch statues (Cover Girls of the DC Universe) behind the 6inch ones (Women of the DCU), with the tiny ones as a front layer. it looks kinda chaotic though, since i have my CLAMP No Kiseki chess set, my FF chibi figurines, assorted Heroclix, Mario & Luigi vinyl figurines, and various Mini Mates (basically superhero lego people) in that tiny range of display height.. plus probably more that i've forgotten about too. all of that is leaving out that i have tons of action figures in the 6-9inch range in their boxes, or jumbled in a plastic bag in a closet upstairs not being displayed in any way. i love toys, and for a few years i could afford to buy whatever looked like fun, so i did. there's also some that were given to me by people that knew of my love of toys, i have a decent collection of Luigi figurines and Final Fantasy monster plushes, mostly given to me as gifts. i have a lot of stuff.. xD

State of the Neko address: week 61

2011-04-19T15:24:00.002-05:00

song+ Hollywood- Michael Buble- Crazy Love
book+ Night Shadows/Night Smoke
quest+ finding my paintbrushes
upper+ just deciding on what do do has me feeling better
downer+ i'm sore from working out more lately
attire+ pants and a Supergirl tee
drink+ milk!

i've felt like painting lately, so the things i bought for projects a year ago when i still worked at the comic shop and i had money have been pulled from the closet and i'm deciding which one i wanna start with. my only problem with it now is i can only find the detail brushes i bought for painting my Warhammer models, so i'm gonna need to look more or go buy new brushes. i have a few ideas beyond the ones i sketched out a year ago for some mixed media projects that could come out awesomely if i approach them right.. we'll see what happens with them. xD

Saturday hanging out at the tattoo shop my ears were pierced to a larger gauge by Kyu since there was nothing else going on. xD from a standard 22 to a noticeably larger (but not grotesquely so) 14. they're healing fine so far, but since we have no peroxide (how? i swear we had it) i'm having to clean my ears with hot water, antibacterial soap, and q-tips. peroxide is way easier in case anyone wondered. they're a bit sensitive to pressure still, so i've been sleeping with creatively scrunched pillows so my head is supported without anything touching my ears. a few times i've rolled over and the jolt of pain has woken me, but it's nothing that lasts past the pressure itself.

not much in the way of progress has been made on the Puki clothing front. i go to start and i get distracted by how insanely CUTE little Chutzpah and Vanille are and nothing gets done except i wiggle their teeny tiny hands and feet and giggle like a lunatic. X.x eventually though progress will be made, i think i just have to get past the distracted-by-the-adorable phase of Puki ownership. xD i do have all kinds of plans for things to make, but the pattern-drafting is taking longer on such an absurdly tiny scale, so i know once i have that part done it'll be way easier to get stuff actually made. i have a feeling that anything i do sew at Puki scale will be done by hand. trying anything that tiny on a machine would be Beyond the Impossible difficulty-wise.

otherwise not much is up. i filed my first quarter state taxes. since there were no sales it was pretty simple. i hope to do better for the second quarter, but i'm not holding myself to it as an absolute end goal. having a name for my shop would help motivate me.. so if you're feeling better mom i'd love feedback on the ideas i sent you a few weeks ago. xD

this totally would have been a Monday post, but i didn't realize it was Monday yesterday. xD my bad.

State of the Neko address: week 60, part 2

2011-04-15T14:55:00.002-05:00

song+ Breakeven- the Script- the Script
book+ nothing presently
quest+ figuring out details for Project 2012
upper+ this feels like the right thing to do
downer+ it's terrifying!
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

i'm unhappy, and i'm tired of being unhappy, so in talking to Kyu we've come up with a plan that will (hopefully) allow us to be happy- Project 2012. it's not a terribly complicated plan, or even a brilliant one, it's pretty much this: leave this place and start over somewhere new. we've given ourselves the rest of 2011 to save and figure out the details of where we'll go and how we'll support ourselves when we get there.

i love my family, both the one i was born into and the one i've found through shared experience, but i need space to breathe. i need to be somewhere that no one knows me, so no one will expect anything of me and i can learn on my own. going somewhere else that's still local won't work, the safety net of family will still be there. we need to go somewhere entirely different and see who we are independent of the circumstances that built us. i love it here in Texas, and i always have, but it's become more apparent that until i leave i'll not manage to shake the spectre that's followed me for 11 years. everything here serves as a reminder of the one experience that threw my entire life off the path i'd worked out for it. i feel shackled by affection, expectation, and memory. i need to get away from it all.

we narrowed down the search field of where to look for our own place rather democratically i think. i want to live where i can see or hear water when the mood strikes, Kyu wants out of Texas. i want the South since i hate to be cold, Kyu loathes the West coast arbitrarily and would prefer to avoid it. i need a certain amount of metropolitan noise, Kyu doesn't want the capital city stress level. basically we've more or less decided on something like coastal Georgia. Savannah or a similar area, most likely, whatever is available and has what we're looking for when the time comes to move.

this year we'll be saving every penny we can, and at the end looking for jobs in whichever city we decide on. we need to learn to drive for sure, since we can't exactly teleport all our things to another state with the powers of our minds. i'll be going through the boxes of possessions that have yet to be unpacked (a year and a half after moving), and getting rid of things we legitimately have no need for. there are some things that i'm holding onto for specific reasons, i don't need them yet but i will at some point so i'm keeping them. there's plenty though that i only held on to out of nostalgia, so getting rid of it could only be a good thing. there's a part of me that wonders if i'll find a decent comic shop after we move, and a good art store with friendly employees, or if i'll end up ordering whatever supplies i need online.

i'm nervous, borderline terrified of the possibility of such drastic change, but i need it. WE need it, me and Kyu, i'm certain it's what we're meant to be doing in fact. as terrified as i am thinking about it, it still feels like the right thing to be doing, so i know that it'll work out as it's meant to.

home for me has always been about people and affection more than any place. i want that to change, i want a place that's my own. i want to live somewhere that people walk in and can see my hand prints all over it. i want to walk inside and feel safe and whole, without calling out first to see if anyone else is there. i'm okay with renting in a city that feels right until we can find the building that feels right. i'm not ready to buy a house yet, and neither is Kyu, but i want to be. that means i need to find me, and i need to find the right city, then we can find the right house and make it the perfect Home. i'm ready to have one of those.

State of the Neko address: week 60

2011-04-12T09:11:00.002-05:00

song+ Gasoline- Britney Spears- Femme Fatale
book+ DQ4 guide
quest+ making clothes for Vanille & Creme
upper+ my wrist is healing quickly
downer+ my legs and back are sore from dancing
attire+ pajamas
drink+ Sun Drop

i had a good post drafted yesterday, then my anti-virus decided to lock anything interactive on the internet and it took me forever to get things working again. X.x so instead: Tuesday post with mostly Monday content, since it was salvageable.

i've made incremental progress drafting Puki patterns. they're so small it's incredibly frustrating, so i keep walking away from it. i THINK i have a workable starting point for panties.. i'm working on a sundress now. there's a master list of ideas, so i'm building the blocks for those things off and on.

to keep from making myself crazy focusing on it, i've taken numerous breaks to do other things. i was gonna play Dragon Quest 8, but my PS2 stopped working AGAIN. it's frustrating enough that i started researching which PS3 models are backwards compatible. the answer? only three of the initial four types. which is lame, so i priced a used 60gb version on eBay and when i have 500 bucks to spare i may follow through. ugh. i hate that they took away backwards compatibility on the new models so they could be all "oh, just buy that again in our online store, then you can play it!" if i already own it, WHY would i want to pay for it again? for now i'm hoping Kyu can get the PS2 to work again so i can play.. he managed it last time. it won't recognize when i put a disc in, any disc at all. the spinny part isn't spinning, and the reading thingy is staying still. guh. stupid machine not working. it's only a year or so older than my Wii and that thing still works phenomenally.. of course Nintendo builds their things to survive apocalypse, you have to try to break a Nintendo.

it's just super frustrating. i really really wanna play DQ8. the next closest thing i have on a functional system would be Blue Dragon on the 360 and i'm not in the mood for the squeaky noises that accompany combat in that game. i want some classic Silent Protagonist adventure and monster slaughter with Invisible Armor and weapons that get replaced every time i hit a new town. xD there's a certain comfort in the classic aspects, and a recent delight in a 3D world holding it all. i love Dragon Quest as a series to an irrational degree, FAR more than mom hates it (which is quite a bit), playing any DQ game for me is like going home and getting a hug from long-lost family. i wanna play 8 because i recently beat 4, 5, 6, and 9 on my DS, and 8 is the only other one i have!

..except i totally started up another save file on DQ4 and spent close to 6 hours yesterday betting on monster death matches in the Endor casino to earn awesome armor for my fragile girly characters so they'd survive long enough to use their good skills. i can't bring myself to betting enough to earn the better weapons, but the armor seemed worth it since there's only a handful of things in the late-game that can beat it. whee! monster death match betting! xD especially with saving after a win and resetting to negate any losses. i remember dad using the monster arena's calculated odds to teach me about math, with the token payouts as multiplication lessons and even explaining the odds themselves and how to interpret them. i sat in his lap and helped choose his monsters when he played the original translation of the game. good times.

in any case, i need to get back to productivity today. Kyu wants me to work on cleaning up the apartment some, he specifically requested i focus on the kitchen. we'll see what i get done, i guess..

State of the Neko address: week 59, part 2

2011-04-10T17:57:00.003-05:00

song+ Seal It With A Kiss- Britney Spears- Femme Fatale
book+ X-23
quest+ making clothes for Vanille & Creme
upper+ Vanille is painted and adorable!
downer+ my wrist is a smidgen sensitive to pressure as it heals
attire+ skirt and a Wonder Woman tee
drink+ Dr Pepper

ah the elusive Sunday blog post, a skittish creature it's not often seen around these parts. xD this is pretty much just photos. Chutzpah has spent most of the last week with little Vanille, they're very good friends already.

okay then, i have Vanille pre-faceup and parts-painting

comparing her kitty parts to her human parts. the grey keeps her from washing out with flash on, but i think i prefer the scale of her human hands and feet to the gloves and booties. it's not super obvious, but i made her kitty parts grey with silver tabby stripes scattered on them.

the box Pukis ship in is SO cute! it's like a fairy tale storybook, and it opens to space for a two-puki sleepover.

some of Chutzpah with the kitty ears.. mom, you managed to fluff her hair enough that it can overpower the magnets. xD

this one great shot of the PHENOMENALLY awesome shoes i ordered for Eve. she can't wear them since her ankle hook snapped, as you can see in the photo. that flat part should be a loop for catching the S-hook for her leg elastic. they're awesome shoes though, i can't wait until her ankles are fixed. xD

there's also the day's two reject shots. one has too much flash and one is too dark, i'm such a great photographer. xD the little ones spent a great day pestering Chloe. she's kneeling in the dark shot so they could fit in the frame together. she handled them remarkably well.

otherwise not too much is happening. last night Kyu did the first half of my Wonder Woman logo tattoo. it's not ready to share yet, but it's gonna be fantastic when it's done. currently we're letting it heal since it's on my wrist and we're doing our best to avoid scarring. it turns out my wrist skin is more prone to bleeding than my foot, which would be problematic if we were less cautious.

i love the new Britney album. i just felt the need to announce it, i adore it. it's all dance music, and i've listened to it all week as i try to focus on more than the cute overload staring me down and get something done. after my first listen to it my review was "hallelujah, no sappy ballads to drag the whole thing down!" it's better (in my opinion) when an artist realizes what their strength is and they play to it. i like lots of different artists, but the ones i like most are the ones that are comfortable within their genre, whatever that happens to be.

for now i'm off to see if i can find any small Puki patterns to start building Vanille's (and Creme's too though Roro hasn't ordered him yet) wardrobe.i think i wanna start with frilly panties for her. tiny lacey ruffle-butt little girl panties. xD then i'll work on the rest.

State of the Neko address: week 59

2011-04-04T23:09:00.002-05:00

song+ Till the World Ends- Britney Spears- Femme Fatale
book+ Mysterious anthology
quest+ making clothes for Vanille
upper+ Vanille is home!
downer+ the weather is too damp to finish her
attire+ pajamas! xD
drink+ milk (obviously)

today my darling Vanille made it home to me! i never got a shipping notice on her at all, the post lady just knocked on the door at 11 and asked me to sign the little slip. xD she is so so SO adorable! (i wanted to ass more SOs, but didn't out of courtesy for you, the readers) quite possibly the cutest thing in the history of EVER! xD no pictures yet, i keep taking them with my phone, but can't get those onto the computer. currently she's still blank, and all she has to wear are cast-off barbie clothes which are pretty huge on her, but i adore her already. the magnets that hold on her kitty parts are pretty strong and i'm pleased with that, my only issue is that the pigtails on her wig are separate pieces sewn on, and they happen to each be centered precisely over the magnets that need to hold her kitty ears on. this means that before i do her faceup and blushing (the weather's still too wet) I'll fix her hair properly and more than likely take some incomplete-but-adorable photos of her. i tried drafting this earlier when she first arrived and i was ecstatic and sleep deprived, but all that came out then was unintelligible gibberish. xD i'm doing substantially better this time.

let's see, what else happened since last Monday? i finished th first draft of the Rosette dress (in black pinstripes) and it's not sellable. i know where i went wrong with it though and the pattern pieces have been corrected. i haven't gotten to sewing the second draft just yet, but it'll happen soon. i emailed mom some of my ideas for shop names, but she hasn't gotten back to me just yet.. *nudge nudge* i understand though since she's been feeling lousy.

i've been going through the special features on everything i own while i work, and i'm almost out of things with interesting special features. xD my favorite things are obviously costuming features, but if all that's there is multiple commentaries i'll watch a movie with each of them droning on in the BG while i'm fussing with things. i've actually gotten to the point that i'm kinda out of features and i'm borrowing other people's movies, or working my way through TV shows i've seen enough times there's no need to actually watch the screen to get whats happening. xD

Saturday was girl day, and it was fun. Moose had to work at both her jobs, and mom was still pretty under-the-weather, so it was me Jenni and Bonnie, but we had fun. Jenni and i did come kid-wrangling for a while when Bonnie and Tyson were finishing up other things, but since Bonnie's kids are utterly delightful it was fun. there were board games, and movies and two small children informing me the only game on my phone "isn't very fun" ..since it's brick break i'm inclined to agree. xD i played Candy Land for the first time, and learned what Doodle Dice is. i helped with a craft project and sang along to a musical i ADORE but realize isn't to everyone else's taste. really the only thing missing from my Saturday was getting to see James (i usually go up to the shop for the Warhammer group on Saturday), but i texted him and he replied and it was fine. xD Sunday was boring, i pretty much just slept.

today was phenomenal though! i woke up Sunday night (because yeah, that's how i roll) and worked on finding something new to watch/listen to while i work, read a few books. i listened to a storm and did some research. after Kyu had left for work, he called and said he and James were on the way home. the storm knocked out power at the office and they were told to leave and they'd be called when things were back on, so i got a surprise hour with my love and his brother (whom i also love, though differently) this morning before they had to head back into work. we laughed and talked, and ran to the grocery store to buy milk and breakfast, two things i'm remarkably fond of. xD it was awesome. then about an hour later the other awesome happened and Vanille was home. so yeah, that's all of it, you're caught up now.

State of the Neko address: week 58

2011-03-28T17:42:00.002-05:00

song+ Wonderful- Wicked
book+ River's End
quest+ organizing the office
upper+ MUCH happier!
downer+ allergies are going crazy
attire+ pajamas! xD
drink+ milk (surprise surprise)

i suppose it's time for my weekly rambling again. yay consistency! xD

i'm taking baby steps toward sewing again. the first thing i did when i thought i might have been feeling better (as in not-depressed) was to draw up some new designs. i did them as really informal sketches so they don't match my other design drawings at all, but i can redo them to match later.

i think today i'll be working out the skirt pattern for what i'm referring to as the Rose dress (or the dress By Any Other Name). i don't think it should be terribly difficult to work out and i may have the pieces cut out and ready to assemble later today. i'm not rushing anything about it though, i want it to be perfect. if i get this one done and the pattern parts don't need tweaking, i can work on producing more of it in more colors. for now i only have the things on-hand to do it in burgundy and maybe black. a black dress meant to evoke the imagery of a rose is kinda morbid though.. unless i use some of my pinstriped fabric? would a black rose with white pinstripes look cool? xD

i suppose that before i get around to sewing again i'll have to move the parts of my army i've been messing with off to the side. xD they're currently spread across 80% of my workspace, and the paints and brushes are something i'll DEFINITELY want safely stowed before i get out either the fabric i can't currently afford to replace, or the patterns i spent weeks drafting. i guess that's today's undertaking: getting the army relocated, but still within convenient reach for when i feel like working on it again. guh, i have so much STUFF i need more SPACE for it all. i'm working on having less stuff, but it's a slow process and my brain keeps telling me that i need the things i find.

i'm getting better at admitting when i'll never use something again and passing it on, but there's three closets full of boxes i'm slowly going through in the weeding-out process, and i've discovered that a good chunk of the stuff is craft supplies, so i'm working on ways to use it so it doesn't go to waste. i have paint sets and feathers and a rainbow of glitter all for paintings i didn't get around to doing, so i think i'll do them this year. i've got a spectrum of beads and loads of charms being incorporated into my doll clothing designs. i have random packets of Swarovski crystals (mostly blue and red) that were for a project i realized i couldn't afford to undertake, so they just got put away. they'll be used in something, they were too damn expensive not to use them. there's boxes of fabrics i bought for projects i never did, so i'll either do them now, or use the fabric for doll stuff. i've got long boxes of comics i'm holding onto out of nostalgia or affection, so when i've cleared out enough other boxes to get to them, i'll probably go through and sell most of it for store credit to finance the rest of my army. i already have the good stuff in trades anyway, i was supporting the books i loved so they wouldn't get canceled by buying them in both forms. i'm making considerable progress going through the closets and throwing out things that won't be worn again. i used to buy two of every art supply i wanted, so i'd have one set to use, and one to keep pristine and unblemished by anything. i've since gotten over that, but it's still a desire i have. i want the set to use and fulfill my drive to create, and i want a perfect set to show off and say "look what i have, these materials show that i'm serious about my craft!" it's hard though, changing my perspective.

that's part of being a collector, it's not really something you think about doing, it's a compulsion. it's close to involuntary, and it takes more willpower to deny an urge to horde than it does to resist almost anything else. i have an addictive personality, it's why i've never even tried anything that's known to be habit-forming. i have enough trouble with the habits i already have, the last thing i need is one i already know could kill me. that makes it easy not to smoke or drink, or really corrupt my body with anything worse than junk food and an excessive consumption of milk. i will easily admit that i'm a milkaholic, i've cut back considerably (from 5 gallons of whole a week to two of 1%), but i still consume more than anyone else i know. bad day? chug a half-gallon then feel guilty for overindulging, not because it hurts my stomach (it doesn't. ever), but because milk is expensive. feeling depressed? sip all day while eating junk food and listening to lonely music. feeling good? celebratory glass while listening to happy noise and planning my next creative undertaking. except for the killing-the-liver and wrecking-family-relationships, my milk consumption has strong parallels to alcoholism. i feel unpleasant and shaky if i go a few days without it, and really if i react like this to milk, it's best for me to stay away from anything more illicit. my addictions are unlikely to kill me, but they're still there affecting most every part of my life.

unrelated, but i'm still impatiently waiting for my darling Vanille to ship to me, though there could still easily be another month to my wait. i'm fully aware that a good bit of the December Fairyland orders have yet to ship, but logic has no place in the angsty doll waiting phase. there's still a good chunk of Dec waiting to ship, but a decent chunk of Jan has been sent out, including one Jan 25 order. since i was the 30th, that means that mine could just randomly ship soon and that would be AWESOME. sadly i've seen a rush of the same dolls all shipping at once, and i'm the only Shiwoo on the waiting list in any size, so i think that could keep me from being part of a bulk shipping rush. i'm trying not to think too much about when she'll ship to me, but since i wanna be ready for her, i was wondering: mom, could you bring Chutzpah to girl day so i can play with her and get a sense of scale? it would be really helpful for me to play with a pukifee and get a sense of how small i'll need to work to garb Vanille in the style she demands. xD

State of the Neko address: week 57

2011-03-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

song+ Double Vision- 3Oh!3- Streets of Gold
book+ Dark Elves codex
quest+ getting ready to sew again
upper+ i feel much better
downer+ i hurt my back dancing Saturday
attire+ shorts and a tank top
drink+ milk

the cloud of depression that hovered over me for the last few months seems to have finally dissipated. Saturday i left the house for something other than walking the dog, and Sunday i even spent hours with strangers/neighbors actually talking. that hasn't happened in a long time/ever. yay feeling human again!

anyhow i feel motivated, which is good, and i spent yesterday working on my Warhammer Fantasy army again for the first time since like last November. i spent hours making a model for my general (Hellebron) since she doesn't have a company sculpt as far as i know. i picked a model from another company that i could divest of any identifying characteristics and after doing that i spliced on weapons and hair taken from another model before sculpting the other parts myself to make her resemble the character described by the army book. of course i'm going for the young-for-two-weeks version and not the crone-for-the-rest-of-the-year version. i'm pretty pleased with how she turned out though, and today she should be ready to paint, since the sculpted parts should have set by now, so that's exciting. plenty to get done today.

i've decided to split my focus between working on the doll clothes stuff and working on other fun things. i think forcing myself to focus too narrowly on getting set up killed my drive and helped bring on the funk i've just managed to shake, so my plan is a more balanced approach this time. while i'm thinking more about my army, i'll work on it, and when my attention wavers (as it's likely to in another day or so) i'll get back to the sewing and stuff. i am looking forward to making progress again, now that i no longer feel like my touch will wither any attempts into automatic failure. xD

on an unrelated note, i'm nearing the two month point on my wait for my PukiFee Shiwoo.i know i still have a while to wait, but now i'm getting really impatient. i'm just ready to have her adorable-ness at home so i can make her absolutely perfect and squeal over how absurdly adorable she is. she's gonna be SO so cute, and i totally can't wait to make her adorably frilly ensembles so she looks like a little delicately frosted pastry ..only she'll be a kitten too. xD

State of the Neko address: week 56, part 2

2011-03-16T05:49:00.002-05:00

song+ Stutter- Maroon 5- Hands All Over
book+ Ultimate Spider-Man. all of it. ever.
quest+ getting ready to sew again
upper+ i've passed 10k words!
downer+ i'm still not quite feeling normal again
attire+ pajama pants and a tank top
drink+ milk

i've spent the last two days reading the entirety of Ultimate Spider-Man again from the beginning. why is it SO MUCH better than the regular version? more than 150 issues, all with the same writer and a good chunk of it with the same artist, and it isn't bad yet. even the stories based (mostly) on versions from the regular continuity, like the origin and the Clone Saga were infinitely better in the Ultimate universe.

also Ultimate Gwen Stacy is infinitely cooler than anyone else and she totally deserves to be happy now. first her dad died at the hands of a Spider-Man impostor and her mom abandoned her, then she's (thankfully) taken in by Aunt May, only to be violently killed by a rogue genetic monstrosity, after that she's cloned from the remains of her corpse and given the powers of the thing that killed her. even worse, after escaping the facility where she was held and experimented on for months she had those powers violently ripped away and returned to May and Peter in time to survive the cataclysm that wrecked New York, only to have some shapeshifting jerk impersonate her boyfriend and break her heart? after all that's cleared up, she runs away to find her mom only to be told TO HER FACE that she's not loved or wanted by her, returning to her adopted home where she now has to live with and be friends with her ex-boyfriend while he maybe starts to date the girl he's really loved all along again. she could really use some happiness. even if she wasn't awesome incarnate, her wardrobe would win me over. one issue she's wearing a lavender tank and a camo skirt with clunky boots, she rocks it SO hard. anyone else i'd wonder what they were thinking, but she makes it work somehow.

i'm really loving what's more or less beome Aunt May's Halfway House for Homeless Teenage Superheroes though. in one house you've got Johnny (Human Torch) Storm, Bobby (Iceman) Drake, Peter (Spider-Man) Parker himself, and Gwen (formerly Carnage) Stacy. there's also Kitty (Shadowcat) Pryde somewhere in the area on the run since being a mutant is illegal, the family of Rick (Nova) Jones down the street, and until she left to be an X-Man a while ago Liz (Firestar) Allen too. plus now there's the whole Peter being trained by other superheroes, so there's a possibility of Iron Man dropping by- entirely failing to realize how that could endanger a secret identity. it was played for laughs when this glaring oversight is pointed out to him and he loudly thanks May for directions and leaves. xD

i love Ultimate Spidey because it's so much more FUN. even when he angsts, it's not as bad since you kinda expect it of him, being a teenager and all. Peter's complete inability to maintain his secret identity is pretty awesome too. xD i love that since the huge wave trashed New York the book's been Spidey and his Amazing Friends, it keeps it much fresher, i think. i am looking forward to Cloak and Dagger eventually showing up though. Tandy (Dagger) Bowen's been mentioned since around issue 50 or 60, i think, and she actually showed up as a student at the beginning of the Chameleon arc, but i'm REALLY hoping we see her get powers. i wanna know if it'd hit her as hard as it did Liz. when you're mutantphobic and suddenly you're an X-Man, there's a good deal of re-evaluating to do. i think similarly, since Tandy thinks she's better than genetic anomalies (Kitty) and social misfits (Peter/Gwen and possibly MJ), if she found herself lowered to being one of them i think there would be a moral/mental break and it could be a REALLY good story. also i'm almost positive that Cloak and Dagger first appeared in a Spidey comic, but i'm not absolutely sure. i'd look it up, but Wikipedia always distracts me. xD

so yeah.. Ultimate Spider-Man is awesome, and my opinions on it are clearly of great importance and must therefore be shared with everyone ever. everyone should read it. everyone. xD

State of the Neko address: week 56

2011-03-14T18:53:00.002-05:00

song+ Back to December- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ only the one i'm hacking at mentally
quest+ getting ready to sew again
upper+ i've passed 10k words!
downer+ i'm still not quite feeling normal again
attire+ pajama pants and a tank top
drink+ dr pepper

as much as i've grumbled about not being a writer, today i passed the 10k word count. (specifically 10,075 words as of 6:30 this morning) it's still a very rough draft but i'm reaching the point that i'm more pleased with how my characters are turning out. there's still a good bit of the story i have yet to figure out and capture, but it's fleshing itself out steadily. sometimes the development is in words and sometimes it's as costumes the characters would wear. when the costumes come to me i know that the next thing i need to do is figure out why they need the particular costume. it's led to a richer world than it'd be otherwise. world expansion via wardrobe may be strange to some, but it makes perfect sense to me.

this monstrous thing i'm writing started as a kind of fan fiction exercise, but honestly at this point the people i've made up are more interesting than the ones i started with. it's hard to write the stereotypes convincingly since there's only so far i can relate to the clichés inherent in the original material. i love it so far as relaxing and enjoying other people's work, but real people don't really slot neatly into character archetypes, so the flawed individuals i'm getting to build for myself are far more arresting and i'm more and more fascinated writing them. initially there were the three characters i was writing that i didn't make up, and now i'm up to six original characters that have taken up twice the word count of their parents. that's about all the others ended up being in my story, enough exposition to realistically set up the world as i wanted to play in it, then they got shifted off to the background. so i could do the fun stuff. i've got more new characters hovering on the periphery of my mind ready to flesh out the world further. even if they don't figure prominently in the story, knowing them can only serve to increase the depth of the world i write for the others.

otherwise i'm doing okay, but unremarkably. i do think all this writing is serving its purpose and getting me past the funky mood that's kept me from really accomplishing anything potentially lucrative lately. once i don't think i'll automatically screw up anything i attempt i should be able to get some things made and listed for sale. that'll be nice.

i will say that it's really annoying when i find myself finally settling into the established vocal patterns of characters not from my own mind and the spelling/grammar check i run highlights the entire conversation green as it's made of sentence fragments. yes, i'm aware thanks, but it's how the morons have been established speaking, so when i say to ignore it could you just IGNORE IT? ugh. sometimes i think the grammar check is out to make me nuts. the stuff i write for my own characters is green line free, with red squiggles occasionally pointing out that i'm lapsing into things other than english in my spazzy typing. i'm a great speller, but i do type kinda like a monkey attempting dictation. my speed is decent, but there's a high likelihood of the initial draft of anything at all looking like shorthand for an eldritch language. i spell check everything before sharing it for a reason. >_>

State of the Neko address: week 55

2011-03-07T09:13:00.002-06:00

song+ Real Emotion- FF X-2
book+ the fail-tastic mess i'm struggling with
quest+ finishing what i've started
upper+ my characters are becoming more detailed and awesome
downer+ writing woes. oh the dramatic angst
attire+ pajama pants and a tank top
drink+ milk

i'm not a writer. sure i can draft a reasonably clever blog post on a (mostly) weekly basis, but i'm no poet or novelist. sometimes it bothers me because i have ideas and i hear characters sometimes like they're speaking to me, but i can't capture them right. it's the WAY i write that bothers me. i can handle tiny snippets of dialog, but can't put them into a conversational flow. i write from a third person perspective (since i'm not in the story myself) but somehow every time is in the present tense. "so-and-so thinks this is strange as she does whatever" isn't exactly page-turning excitement.i basically end up with chunks of present-tense views into the mind of who i'm writing, from an omniscient third person point of view, then with no transition or fanfare i jump to the next event and viewpoint. there's no interaction (with words) unless it's offhand references to a teasing/playful relationship i make no effort to write itself. there's also that my own expansive vocabulary has me hating to repeat a word and the use of every synonym possible makes me look kinda pretentious and pseudo-intellectual when it's done. it's not like i have this long-buried dream of being a novelist, but i'd like to not totally suck at it. i'm perfectly capable of editing other people's work and not lousying it up. i know what's good writing and what's nigh irredeemable, but i can't write anything good if i shoot for more than a paragraph. it's not a constant frustration, but when i have a particularly insistent idea it can leave me feeling especially grumpy. like the past few days. *grumble grumble*

i've got 5730 words on this particularly stubborn idea written in the last two days. it's not godawful, but it's far from publishable, even by fanfic standards. i have the same issue with my writing that i do with my sewing, if it's not good enough for me to want to read it/buy it, it's not good enough to be shared. why should i subject others to what i wouldn't seek out myself? it's worse i think because i know the characters as though they're real people but i'm unable to write them interacting without the buffer of self-insertion, and the last thing i want is myself mucking up an otherwise promising plot line. ugh. this time i've kept going. i'm telling myself that maybe if i finish writing out the storyline in my bizarre format, after it's done i can go through it like an editor with another person's work and de-suck it in the second draft. xD by that time i'll know where it's going and what may no longer be needed and that will probably make a difference too.

i dunno, i guess i really just wanna know, other people who write (anything at all) do you have similar problems or am i just a big ball of crazytime? xD

State of the Neko address: week 54

2011-02-28T00:56:00.002-06:00

song+ All the Lovers- Kylie Minogue- Aphrodite
book+ nothing currently
quest+ getting inspired again
upper+ i have good material on-hand
downer+ no inspiration to use it
attire+ pajama pants and a tank top
drink+ water

less has been finished this last week than i'd have liked. damn my easy distraction.. TVtropes.org is addictive like you wouldn't believe, and just like Wikipedia, there's so many links it can take days from you before you realize it. apparently this has led Kyu to deciding the best way to make me want to work again is to bribe me with other distractions, namely video games. he knows me well.

he's been working more at the tattoo shop lately, usually evenings Wed-Sun, and as of this week is actually bringing home money from the tattoos he's doing! he's still technically an apprentice, but the fully trained guy that's not the owner quit out of nowhere and since Kyu's the best apprentice by far, his work output has really been going up recently. he's been bringing home about half of what his customers pay for their work (which is damn generous for an apprenticeship) Saturday night alone brought home $75. that's not bank-breaking, no, but it's better than where he was a few weeks ago- still paying for the privilege of hanging out and learning.

Sunday he was called in at 5 because the shop was already getting busy, so he figured he could probably make enough to cover the cost of a video game, hence the bribe. xD i'll likely follow through since his assigned task is just doing the dishes, but am undecided what game i'd like as yet. the reason the dishes aren't done lately is that our sink doesn't drain (and really kinda smells) and our dishwasher leaves everything dirtier coming out than it went in. something in the kitchen pipes mostl likely, but the pipes elsewhere work fine, so it's entirely possible to do the dishes, just unpleasant and the task gets put off while we use disposable plates and forks instead. if i get the dishes cleaned up though, we can call maintenance to come fix the sink (in theory, they rarely manage to fix anything for more than a week or so) and the numerous other things that are wrong with our apartment. in theory.

otherwise i'm about at the one-month point waiting for my PKF Shiwoo kitty girl. i ordered her Jan 30 so sometime this week will be a whole month putting me approximately halfway into my wait. the mid/late December orders have been going out in the last week (according to the waiting room on DOA at least) putting an average wait at about two months, generally slightly longer. the Christmas event (that i was not part of) seems to have delayed things on FairyLand's end of things, but that's generally what events do, so i'm unsurprised. after Iple's quick-as-lightening shipping this seems like forever, but compared to Soom's 3 month minimum it's really not so bad at all. xD i'm not absolutely focused on her yet, but in another month i may well be.

i've hit a wall creatively and it sucks. it's the kind of mood where nothing i draw comes out decently and i'm afraid to pick up fabric or needle (or any other tool) because i don't wanna screw up my somewhat-limited cache of materials to work with, and it just feels like anything i do will come out WRONG. it's kinda dramatic, but i've learned though (rather expensive) experience to trust the feeling. usually when i hit this kind of wall i look at everything else i've ever liked to see if i can draw any inspiration at all. all i've managed to figure out this time is that i kinda wanna re-read the Horse and his Boy from the Narnia series (the other 6 not so much), and that FFx and FFx2 look interesting again, which is strange because FFx is one of my least favorite FF games. X.x the trouble with both being 1) i don't know where my hard copy is and can't find the USB cord to put my digital copy back on my Kindle, and 2) one of the cords for my PS2 is missing, along with any controllers. xD the thing hasn't been plugged in for more than a year so i have NO idea where to even begin looking for it.

for now my only action has been continuing to look into everything i've liked before to see if it'll help shake things up. nothing yet, but i'm still kinda hopeful that something will shake me up soon. maybe i'll actually look for the missing PS2 cord too. xD

State of the Neko address: week 53

2011-02-21T16:06:00.002-06:00

song+ Double Vision- 3OH!3- Streets of Gold
book+ Angels Fall
quest+ getting test pieces sewn from my patterns
upper+ i got the thread i've desperately needed
downer+ thread is expensive! i'd forgotten..
attire+ pants and a bowling tee (it's hot)
drink+ water

this week's just started, but it already feels more productive than last week. maybe it's that it's a smidgen cooler and comfort is better for productivity than misery. xD it helps that both bedroom windows are open for ventilation, it helps a good bit. not sweating all over the fabric is a plus too. xD yesterday i got the faceup done on mom's new girl Temperance, and today i finished Xavin's showgirl dress, so that's a pretty good start to the week, i think. this week's focus will probably be sewing the test pieces for the patterns i spent most of December and January slaving over. once i know they're fully workable i can jump into the production end of things more enthusiastically. i've pretty much finished my distraction projects, the ones i started to ignore that little voice that tells me even if i do awesome stuff there's a chance no one will buy it. it's mostly shut up now, so they did what they were meant to.

after making things with the fabric i've bought recently i'll have to actually clean out some closets to find the fabrics i bought for other projects (that mostly never happened) and get stuff done with them. if i can find the stuff i know i still own, i can make a lot of things without having to go to the fabric store for a while. i have cosplay remnants, and things bought for projects for dolls i've sold, scraps from other people's projects that they figured i could probably use still, and things bought for costumes and outfits that never got made. really TONS to work with if i can figure out where it got stashed in multiple moves and reorganization binges.

i think i'm also ready to make the push to sell the other dolls i decided not to keep last year. they've been in the closet all this time because the timing felt off, but now i think it's okay to let them go. i don't feel like there's any reason to wait anymore. maybe later this week i'll actually get a sales thread (or four) set up to get things going. for now my focus is sewing and i want to do enough to make money soon.

State of the Neko address: week 52

2011-02-18T22:30:00.002-06:00

song+ Starstruck- 3OH!3 (ft. Katy Perry)- Streets of Gold
book+ DQ6 guide
quest+ getting decent thread for my sewing machine
upper+ i'm nearly done with the Showgirl dress
downer+ it's hot and the air conditioner's not working yet
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ water

the first ever English-language version of Dragon Quest/Warrior 6 came out this week. Kyu bought it for me Tuesday and i just beat it to get the secondary ending tonight. honestly it was really no better than the first ending, hardly different at all, so i feel a smidgen cheated. at least i can assert confidently that i don't think 6 is the best of them, 4 is still my favorite. really what this means is 1) i'm a mega-nerd for beating it (twice) in three days, and 2) i now only need to get DQ7 and i'll have played every one of them. i know that the sound of the DQ theme alone fills mom with rage and despair, but i love it and the series as a whole tends to satisfy me more than any other game i've ever played.

otherwise, i've made significant progress on Xavin's showgirl dress. i need more feathery fluff for the backside and it'll be done. my computer is refusing to read my camera again, so if i have to i'll upload pictures from Kyu's, but there should be pictures soon. i'm very happy with how it turned out from both a pattern making standpoint and as the first project made with my new machine. i now know how i'll have to approach my EID sewing to get the seam allowances i'm used to so things should be great soon. i'm still lacking anything other than blue thread, as every time i arrange for someone to take me to get useful colors something happens, but this weekend for sure, i'll manage somehow to get at least black and white thread. blue can be used with purple fabric and it's not the end of the world, but no way can i use blue thread to sew a wedding dress from semi-sheer white fabric! xD

mom's newest doll arrived today and i now have her in my possession. i'm waiting for the humidity to let up a bit so i can do (and seal) her faceup. hopefully it'll get done this weekend. i know pretty much what mom wants, and i know what colors i have to work with, and i think i know what the doll will let me do for her, so the weather's the hangup now. not much else to say on this until she's done really. xD

i was feeling pretty sick earlier in the week, but things seem to be fine now. i think it was a tummy bug but since there's nothing wrong now i'm not exactly going nuts worrying about it. it's what kept me in bed Monday and Tuesday, then the rest of the week was catch-up sewing work and DQ obsession. since i've beaten it though, productivity should return.

State of the Neko address: week 51, part 2

2011-02-10T00:03:00.002-06:00

song+ Better Than Revenge- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ In the Garden
quest+ getting decent thread for my sewing machine
upper+ i'm making progress on the Showgirl dress
downer+ i'm still feeling itchy and a bit restless
attire+ pants and layered tanks
drink+ milk

i had a bizarre dream early this morning. i'd headed up to the comic shop at opening (Wednesday is new comic day) and decided to spend the day there catching up on everything that's come out in the last month or so, and for some reason every passing acquaintance i've made in the past 10 years managed to stop in for a moment and ask how i was doing. in dream-time it took most of the day, but it didn't get weird until (early evening dream-time) my ex and her twin stopped in. conversation was started up as though there were never harsh words (mostly hers) or problems, as though we'd stayed friends after breaking up. she walked around as if she was a regular and i was the one who was a novelty at the shop, and for some reason she was really good friends with everyone working there, friendly enough to be allowed behind the counter (which had been rearranged- that confused me) the really bizarre part was when she merged with my favorite store employee while i was turned away. i was talking and there were both twins and the cashier, then i turned to look at something behind me and when i looked back Twin2 was there, but Twin1 (the ex) had taken on some characteristics of the cashier and there were just the twins behind the counter. then the new hybrid person started flirting with me. X.x i've dealt with flirting from the employee before, but it was in the vein of friendly banter, with no intention behind it. you know, stage whispers of "hey there sexy! wink-wink" and "shh, not while my boyfriend can hear" while holding Kyu's hand.. then laughs all around, harmless fun with neither of us actually interested in anything. xD so i've been known to flirt back some, but in my dream after they merged into one person, it took on the desperate 'you HAVE to love me!' tone that much of my interactions with the ex had toward the end. at that point everything she said or did or even thought was very 'i'm more invested in this and it terrifies me so i need your constant reassurance that you won't leave, even though i don't believe you at all' which is really a lot of pressure to operate under. lots of what happened then was unfair to her, but damned if it was fair for me either. i made some poor choices i'll admit, but the poorest was agreeing to try to fall in love with someone because they manipulated me into it.

i've said before that agreeing to date her was mostly a clutch of panic along the lines of 'oh shit, i only have like three friends, if i say no i'm down to like one!' (generally if you piss off one twin you piss them both off, it's a solidarity thing) i was in a bad place. i'd recently been raped (less than 12 months previously) and in reaction had thrown myself into platonic SAFE friendships with girls because they were penis-less and that's all i could handle, and then i found myself with one of my few close friends becoming increasingly affectionate (with words and touches) and dropping some of the broadest hints EVER that she was in love with me. not attracted to me, in love, that's what it was supposed to be from the beginning. when i hesitated to reciprocate, she found a 'boyfriend'. someone she said she was dating, but never even really touched with even hand-holding, just spent time with as an excuse to ignore me and make me feel less needed. (which i didn't see clearly until later) and i managed to convince myself that the feelings of abandonment were jealousy and i had to feel something similar after all. and hey, still penis-less, so a relatively safe bet overall. after breaking up with the 'boyfriend' she used semi-romantic quotes from books we'd both enjoyed to convey her feelings. it kinda bothered me that she couldn't even use her own original words, but i'd had a taste of emotional solitude and it scared me, so i said maybe i was feeling something too and we could see what it grew into. i replied using the quotes that corresponded to hers, i rationalized that it made the lies more okay since it wasn't my own words deceiving. yes, wrong, but i've admitted such before. most of our relationship was hand-holding and tentative kissing because her parents were controlling and she was afraid to rebel or disappoint, so we were hiding it from them but that made it easier for me. i like women, and i have been attracted to them before, but i was more 'fondly affectionate' for her than 'desperately lustful' and i was still afraid that any physical intimacy at all would take me straight back to the trauma i'd repressed and refused to deal with in any way. i wouldn't admit anything like that then though, it was easier to smile and say "it's okay, we don't have to rush anything, there's plenty of time". i suppose somehow that was heard as 'we'll have forever and i'll never want anyone but YOU!' though i recall being careful to avoid promises i wasn't sure i could keep. the one promise i did make that i shouldn't have was "i'll never hurt you" and i've since realized it's a promise no one can keep. i now stick with "i don't want you to hurt, so i'll do my best to avoid it" which is much fairer for all involved. i did love her though i wasn't in love, so that made it easier to justify the relationship, i cared too much to hurt her and figured it was possible i'd grow to be in love.

anyhow, we dated for a little under a year. as things progressed she found ways to manipulate me into doing what she wanted. guilt and misdirection with a healthy bit of my own denial, it became easier for a time to just let myself be pushed into what she wanted me to be. when my Best Friend moved away i became more committed to sticking it out since messing up would leave me entirely friendless (homophobia and religious fanaticism had made an impact already on my social interactions) ..then a few months into dating, i met my Turnip. meeting him was terrifying, he made me scared because the possibility of confronting all the issues related to boys was suddenly more real. we became friends and that panicked everyone for different reasons (mostly all based in guilt, longing, and/or fear though) and that friendship lead me to others (speaking to James and reconnecting with Naku) and i was now a little less trapped and actually had to wake up and start making choices again. i figured the safest way to start getting over my abundant ISSUES was to try a platonic friendship with a guy, and it was scary, and even more scary since i found myself feeling for him what i should have been feeling for my girlfriend. i was VERY careful that our forays into friend-type outings were absolutely appropriate, we were never alone together, there was never touching of any sort beyond maybe a high-five. goodbye hugs were no different than the ones i'd give other friends, and lasted no longer. i practiced a little flirting because he knew i was already committed to someone else and it seemed safe enough (not kind by any stretch of the imagination, but safe) and when i learned he had feelings for me i stopped the flirting and tried to not be interested because i'd promised not to hurt someone and falling for someone else is an easy way to hurt someone. there was a fair bit of manipulation going on throughout this, to make me feel bad for having (and enjoying) other friendships, conversations designed to trick me into admitting any feelings for anyone else (example: someday if we decided we wanted kids and we wanted one of our friends to donate genetic material to help, who would you pick? there's no safe answer to that kind of question), blanket statements of "Person A (not Kyu, incidentally) likes you and i don't like that. what are you going to do about it?" "..uhh tell them i'm already committed to you?" "they already know that, i think you should stop being friends. it's not fair to me or to Person A to have that temptation there." nowhere in there are my feelings a factor.

the tipping point of it all, the beginning of the end was when Kyu's girlfriend (he'd decided the best way to not like me was to try to like someone else- though i learned this later) asked me if he was really into her. i said yeah sure (because really, what did i know?) and her reply was that he seemed like she was his second choice and they both deserved better so they were breaking up and could i tell him? also that he could consider it mutual. i floundered with an 'uh, shouldn't you be the one to break up with him and not me?' but her reply was that really i was more likely to see him sooner and she'd appreciate it. X.x shortly thereafter he told me "look, i know you're already committed to Twin1, and you promised you'd never leave her, but i have strong feelings for you both. i'm doing my best to deal and i still want to be friends with you both, but i had to tell you, and i'm pretty sure you also feel something for me. you should be honest with yourself and with her and with me" hanging out got a little weird at that point, she didn't know because she refused to talk about it, and was reluctant to do anything just the three of us, and since he was right (but i wasn't ready to deal) i just made doubly sure that there was ALWAYS a third party when we were hanging out (Roro, or James, or Lachelle or SOMEONE). i asked everyone i thought had ANY perspective on relationships what they would do in the situation, playing the Pronoun Game rather heavily and letting them assume gender roles to suit their own comfort zones. every single person voted Kyu, and many said that door number one seemed kinda abusive emotionally. i dithered and cloaked myself in denial and that was okay for a while, then i admitted that yeah, i felt more for Kyu than i did for her, but a promise is a promise (foolish or not) and i wasn't going to be the one to end things, i knew telling her about the abundance of non-exclusive feelings would screw with everything since at that point i was fully aware of the sheen of jealousy that colored her perception of all my interactions with anyone that wasn't her. i told him i'd decided not to say anything to her about it. i guess he took it as a challenge of sorts, to be more awesome, more supportive and less demanding. it reached a point where i dunno what he felt (it was more than he was able to articulate, and it seemed cruel to pry when i was refusing him anything i thought would make the ex unhappy) but it ended when he wrote her a letter saying that he loved me, and he loved her and he was aware that i loved him, and i loved her (though i still hadn't admitted i wasn't in love with her) and due to poor choice of words and an unflinchingly stubborn disposition the result was a phone call on a Friday afternoon. i had people over (me, Kyu, Lachelle, Roro and a few others i can't recall) it was practically a party and everyone was laughing and having a great time when she called and the conversation quickly died while ours on the phone took a turn to "he said he loves you, did you know?" yes, i did "he says you love him, is that true?" yes, it is, i do "..is he there now?" he's not the only one, but yeah. and you were invited too, as you may recall. you declined to join us "well fine. we're done here, i hope you're happy with him" um thanks, but what did all that mean? then Monday i realized it meant i'd been dumped. she wrote me a rather mean note confirming that things had ended, calling me out for hurting her despite my promise not to (which i definitely had, though it was never my intention) and any number of other things that i may or may not have done. i don't recall them all now and i didn't keep the note. it wasn't until the next day that Kyu and i decided we'd see if we could make anything beyond friendship work for us. the first several months were really no different than before, except for some hand-holding. we were friends and we had feelings, but there was a lot of healing to do before anything more could grow between us.

i think Kyu and i had been dating tentatively for a little under a year when i got a letter from her- brief and catty, with pictures from the happy parts of our relationship included and an overall message that she hoped i wouldn't forget how good things were at those times. there was also one particular picture of bedroom eyes and a knowing smile and a hint of bare shoulders with the words "may you never forget the touch of my hands" written on the back side. it wasn't anything approaching kind or loving and it ripped me up. i spent about an hour after reading it just standing in the rain of a violent storm, hoping it'd just wash away everything i was feeling because it hurt SO much to feel it. yeah i made some (huge) mistakes with Twin1, but for almost a year i'd thrown everything i was into maintaining that relationship, and while i wasn't absolutely in love and focused to the exclusion of everything else, she did matter. i DID love her, even if i wasn't IN love. and i really really TRIED to be something good for her. i don't know what compelled her to do it, but it felt like a cruel attempt to contrast two different years and two very different relationships that grew from friendship into something else, one definitely more naturally than the other, possibly as a gesture like "we had the same thing and that fell apart, so this will too" though really the two can hardly be compared. also saying we fell apart is a ridiculous understatement. X.x whatever the purpose, it really only made me more sure that what i'd found with Kyu was (and continues to be) right for me. April 21st will actually be 9 full years together, and every day i find myself amazed at the love i feel for him. it can't be the wrong thing, as much as he's frustrated or infuriated me in all this time, more often he's thrilled me and made me feel loved and needed and like i really matter for who i am and not what i can do for anyone else. in spite of the very short time between ending one relationship officially and beginning the next (maybe a day in all honesty), being with Kyu was/is nothing like a rebound thing, and i never cheated on anyone. i've shared my views that monogamy isn't natural, but that it's the right thing to do even though it's hard at times. i believed it even then. being in a relationship doesn't make you blind to other people, but being a good person means that you make choices in loyalty and faithfulness.

the overall thing that i'm thinking though is last time i had a bizarre dream that had me contemplating What Used To Be it led to reconnecting with my best childhood friend, so i'm wondering if this is some kind of sign that maybe i should take steps to reconnect with my ex. especially since i walked into the craft store today and the head cashier (who shared different art classes with me and the ex in school) was all "oh hey, you just missed it, but i just spoke to Twin1!" ..really? as in.. "yeah! Twin1! she was just in here, it was crazy" huh.. haven't spoken to her since high school (understatement like WOAH since i dunno if the cashier is aware that i even dated Twin1. it was over long before i was friends with her) "yeah me either!" and Moose (who drove me up there) is all: O.o "and we JUST talked about all that too!" because i vented to her in the midst of drafting all this. so now i'm wondering if maybe it's the Universe telling me it's time for an overture or something. i really dunno. i suppose Facebook is the most natural place to start looking into bridging the gap..

State of the Neko address: week 51

2011-02-07T20:06:00.002-06:00

song+ Enchanted- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ Born In trilogy
quest+ getting product prototypes pulled together
upper+ my feet are healing
downer+ i'm feeling restless and impatient
attire+pants and layered tanks (after it snowing last week too.)
drink+ milk

i have art to share! whee! these drawings are from an attempt to conquer January's insomnia. apparently when i'm unable to sleep i'm more inclined to abstract symbolism and a heavy attachment to song lyrics. i suppose they're all self-portraits of a sort. any attempts at emotional catharsis could be labeled as such really.

otherwise i suppose i'm doing okay. my left foot is completely better, the right is still blistered but it no longer hurts to walk at all. xD i've been working on adjusting the patterns i've made based on the flaws that show up when i sew with them. i think i have the big hiccups from the Annoying Dress pattern worked out, but i've lost my appropriately colored thread, so i'm putting it aside and working on other things while i (slowly) go through my oodles of things-in-boxes to look for it. you'd think white/off-white thread would be easier to find, so far all i've turned up is blue, and my smoky nylon quilting thread. not really great for sewing white fabrics. for now i intend to use the blue (or better the purple i KNOW i have somewhere) to work on the showgirl dress i've been working on off-and-on for Xavin. it should look pretty sweet when it's done too.

State of the Neko address: week 50

2011-02-03T13:48:00.002-06:00

song+ Show Me How You Burlesque- Christina Aguilera- Burlesque Soundtrack
book+ Morrigan's Cross/ Dance of the Gods/ Valley of Silence
quest+ embarking on Version Two
upper+ my machine is set up and the manual's been read
downer+ my feet hurt (and the weather sucks)
attire+ jeans and a hoodie (cold weather dog-walking clothes)
drink+ water

i hate this weather. i don't like to be cold. extra layers are extra weight and that makes me feel panicky and trapped (because my claustrophobia is wonky, i realize it), so i tend to get by slightly under-dressed: cold and irritable instead of comfortably warm and twitchy and panicking.

in this particular part of town, it snowed (late Monday/early Tuesday) and then that froze. there's been nothing new, but it's melted and re-frozen meaning the ground EVERYWHERE in the complex is slick and dangerous. the only thing worse than walking a cold-weather dog in weather that you hate and she ADORES (thereby exciting herself to the point of jumping, running, skidding, and pulling) is trying to do it in flip-flops. i get by in flip-flops on icy surfaces just fine (in fact it's usually my most graceful time bizarrely enough), the dog pulling adds a certain reckless danger to it, so i've been wearing sneakers for two days and suffering. X.x that sounds like melodrama only because i'm telling things out of order again, hold on.

okay Sunday we hadn't done laundry yet, all my decent going-out-in-public clothes were in said laundry so i made do with a somewhat dressy business wear look that involved shoes i don't wear often and opaque tights that are a bit short and therefore put unpleasant pressure on my feet from the tugging required to get them to reach my hips properly. the combination of that and considerably more walking than i'd anticipated led to raw ugly twin-set blisters on the balls of my feet (very close to my big toes) that have yet to go away. they're actually thriving and monstrously inflamed and flip-flops + snow = actually kinda soothing, socks + sneakers = an amount of pressure that nearly brought me to tears just tying my shoes. factor in that wearing sneakers i HAVE to walk flat-footed adding direct pressure and can't get by on the sides of my feet like i have been barefoot, or almost exclusively by my heels as i can in flip-flops.

also bear in mind that the dog is stupid-big and bizarrely strong meaning she pulls me hard when the weather is sunny and safe and you can understand how unpleasant the dog-waling becomes in this kind of weather. fortunately we've had a training breakthrough! she now understands that when i yell "slow!" it means "if you knock me over, so help me i'll find a way to sit on you and make you carry me home" so she slows down and lets me gain my footing. i've yelled "slow!" a lot in the past few days.. i think that puts things back in an understandable frame of reference now.

this brings our tally of Commands the Dog Comprehends and (mostly) Obeys to: slow, sit, down (for when she's jumping on people), and kennel. four mostly-obeyed commands, which (sadly) averages to learning approximately one a year. not the best track record, but she's like a doggy savant. extraordinarily dumb, but capable of doing these amazing(ly frustrating) things. like chewing through metal (or really anything else) and managing to unlock doors and latches somehow.. she's a regular Houdogni. X.x to be entirely fair though, most of my training with her is non-verbal, so the list of commands in understandably small. she's done remarkably well with snap-and-point training, the snap gets her attention and i point at where she should go and 9 times out of ten she goes the right place and does the right thing. snap-and-point is next to ineffective outside through, especially when it's so cold it feels like snapping could make one of my fingers fall off. mostly there's too many distractions for the snapping to register. it's most likely to fail when we have somebody over too. the presence of unknown people makes her overly cautious, then rudely curious. it doesn't help that she forgets people after about a week.

anyhow, lately when not cramming my feet into torture devices to be dragged about by Harley, i've been worrying about Kyu (his kidney stones again, and a fever that didn't break for two days, though he's back at work now), trying to work in the office without having to leave my chair (mostly fiddling to correct the problems in the Annoying Dress pattern so i don't waste material working on Version Two), and soaking my feet in warm/hot water to loosen the skin around my blisters so there's less pain. it's kinda working- today my eyes only misted a little when i had to put on my sneakers.. having numbed my feet in REALLY hot water first made a difference. xD

State of the Neko address: week 49, part 2

2011-01-30T10:01:00.002-06:00

song+ Hello- Maroon5- Live Friday the 13th
book+ Beastly/ A Kiss In Time
quest+ finishing the dress that is infuriating me
upper+ my machine is purchased and i'm beading the Annoying Dress
downer+ there's plenty beading left to go, and a few mistakes to cover with it
attire+ pajamas (yay lazy clothes)
drink+ milk

i seem to be returning to a semblance of normalcy. my sugar cravings have (finally!) dwindled to a negligible level. i bought a package of cookies yesterday morning only to realize i didn't want to eat them, they're now in the kitchen waiting to be shared. xD my sleep pattern has also reset to something approaching human, for the third night in a row i went to bed in the evening and woke in the morning. it shouldn't be such a strange thing, but it seems revolutionary after the reverse for a month and some. xD

last night i made real progress on the current mystery project, aka Annoying Dress. the one i started a few weeks ago and still have yet to finish. i think i may have mentioned that i realized the fabric i'd chosen ended up being entirely wrong. it's too thick to lay as flat as i need it to, and too heavy to drape in the elegant way i planned for it, so i'm finishing it another way and i'll start Version Two (in new fabric i bought specifically for having the correct weight and thickness) when this one passes for something that doesn't make me want to hurl it across the room in frustration. hopefully that'll be later today. xD the construction is done so now i'm beading for embellishment, and to hide the spots where i screwed up. at least i learned from the mistakes though, so version two should go much more smoothly.

it's entirely possible i'm being too picky with Annoying Dress though, i took it with me to the tattoo shop last night (i was hanging out with Wolfie while Kyu was adding color to one of his tattoos) and multiple strangers identified the dress as about what i'd initially planned for it to be, expressed that it looked rather nice, and asked questions about my business selling them that made it seem much less crazy an endeavor. i know it's strange, but reassurance from strangers feels more genuine than the same from family.. awful, but true. strangers have no pressure to support or appreciate my efforts so anything they say feels more genuine somehow.

in other talk, i placed the order for my PukiFee Shiwoo (the one that'll be my little french kitty) last night. i'm still waiting for FairyLand to e-mail me the invoice so i can pay it, but i'm pretty excited about her, she'll be adorable and the work that'll go into making her just right won't bother me the slightest bit. i like project!dolls, they frequently end up meaning more.

anyhow, it's back to the studio to get some work done. the sooner i finish Annoying Dress, the sooner i can open up the machine and get started on Version Two. when they're both done i'll put up pictures so they can be compared.

State of the Neko address: week 49

2011-01-25T15:48:00.003-06:00

song+ Stutter- Maroon5- Hands All Over
book+ nothing presently
quest+ finishing this dress that is infuriating me
upper+ the depression i felt coming on has abated again
downer+ stupid Iple boobs are killing me! X.x
attire+ pajamas (i barely bother getting dressed anymore)
drink+ milk

i think i'm a little crazy. xD or a lot, i guess the judgement is up to ya'll.

i've come to a compromise of sorts with my insomnia. i no longer attempt to sleep at "normal" hours, i've been staying up and working until i'm tired, then sleeping until i'm not. it's not an ideal way of doing things, but i'm much less frustrated. xD that means that mostly now i stay awake until sometime between 9am and noon, then i sleep until 6 or 7 pm. Kyu's not thrilled, he wants me to have a "normal" schedule, but it hardly matters really, as long as stuff's getting done. i think it's mostly jealousy, he HATES getting up at 7/8 every morning to go to bill-paying work, then after that he goes straight to still-learning work and stays until about midnight, not falling asleep until around 2am most nights, only to repeat the next day. he's exhausted and irritable and taking it out on me a little and i'm trying to be comforting and understanding, but it's hard. just because i'm working from home (and at admittedly odd hours) doesn't mean i'm not working. *sigh* we're both looking forward to the time that he can quit the first job (which he's grown to hate) and be making money at the second (which he already loves). the best part of that is that tattooing is a job that'll encourage him to join me in the semi-nocturnal schedule to be able to spend time together. xD

the only other strange thing is that for quite a while now i've been craving sugar. like almost by itself.. X.x when i indulge it's not straight-sugar, because that's just gross, but it's been making me crazy for a while, like since right before new years, but after Christmas. i found myself very nearly putting maple syrup on scrambled eggs this morning, which actually sounds kinda (really) disgusting. i had a dream about buying homemade chocolate ship cookies in bulk from a warehouse store three nights (days technically) in a row. not like by-the-palette bulk, but big family-size packaging bulk. in the past two and a half weeks, i've had four candy canes (watermelon, mixed berry, cherry, and strawberry), two tubs of frosting (chocolate and vanilla/funfetti), a package of chewy chocolate chip cookies, a pint of ice cream (Ben&Jerry's Phish Food), three suckers (all butterscotch), two fun-size bags of M&Ms, a handful of double-stuff Oreos, most of a box of frozen waffles (with maple syrup), two orders of Taco Bueno's Cheesecake Chimichangas (in berry), and Sonic french toast sticks (again with syrup) with an M&M blast. plus three cans of root beer, and two fountain drinks (strawberry/root beer, and vanilla/dr pepper). all for the sugar content. it's kinda worrying me at this point, it seems much more terrifying all listed like that. it didn't seem anywhere near as indulgent as i was eating it. usually my sugar tolerance is WAY lower and i have trouble finishing a single-scoop ice cream cone, i'm eating like i'm another person lately.

State of the Neko address: week 48 (just a week late..) xD

2011-01-25T14:35:00.003-06:00

song+ Love Story- Taylor Swift- Fearless
book+ nothing presently
quest+ getting business stuff set up and taken care of
upper+ feeling plenty rested
downer+ kinda losing any sense of timing lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ root beer (i need the sugar)

i totally thought i'd posted something last week. my bad. xD i guess this is last week's and i'll do another for this week later.

anyhow, i've been slowly working on getting the patterns i need worked out for my doll clothes enterprise. i don't have inventory yet, but i'm getting closer and closer. i spent most of the past week working on a personal project that went to hell at the last second, which is immensely frustrating, but i'm still trying to salvage it, somehow. i should be ready to start version two pretty soon though. when it's done maybe i'll share the seriously altered version one attempt. if i can get this pattern to work like i see it in my head i can EASILY sell the dresses made from it for reasonable income and minimal effort. i know full well there's a market for fitted, classy EID styles. there's a reason too, the curves are such a pain no one really wants to try dealing with them. X.x it turns out making the patterns is only the first half of the headache. ugh.. they're such gorgeous girls that the frustration isn't enough to really keep me from working at it though.

anyhow, my second W2 came in the mail Saturday and i submitted my taxes Sunday. (yay TurboTax!) i've already heard back and should have my (reasonably sized) refund in the next two weeks. it's fortunately large enough to cover the new sewing machine i need, plus an external drive (for all my music since it's slowing my machine down having so much), Vanille (part of a planned set of twin kitten dolls with Roro) who shall be a PukiFee Shiwoo girl, and also the Wonder Woman prop replica (tiara, bulletproof gauntlets, and lasso of truth with display pedestal) set i ordered last year that FINALLY shipped from the distributor to the comic shop. xD it won't cover anything else, but i'm okay with that since i was expecting to get about half what i ended up with. one of my favorite things is TurboTax saying "oh hey, you qualify for more money, want it?" uh YEAH, why wouldn't i? xD

i promised Kyu that the sewing machine comes first, but i'm very excited about Vanille and her twin brother Creme who will be Roro's. they're gonna be the cutest little sugary-sweet kittens. we'll each be doing the faceups and blushing ourselves, so they'll definitely look unique, but they should still match (enough to be recognized as twins anyhow). so far as i recall from our giddy (mostly incoherent) planning chat, Creme will be a sherbet-ish boy with pale tabby markings and i'll be doing Vanille in dusky rose and caramel. i'll likely hold off on doing markings until Roro's done Creme's, but that could be a while since i'm ordering first. xD the Shiwoo face is just so mischievously adorable (i mean just LOOK at it!) that i can't think of a better trouble making kitten to dress in sugary dessert-ish confections of ruffles and lace.. that's the best part, planning the themed matching outfits. xD they're gonna be these little french aristocratic kittens in absurdly detailed outfits that are likely to kill me.. at least there won't be murderous curves involved though, just the tiniest scale ever almost. i have the notes i took from the original conversation on the backside of a foot long receipt (it was the only paper i could find), and based on just that one conversation there's about 8 different sets of costumes to plan. all foodish based too, i think that by the time Roro's able to get Creme home i may have something ready for him to wear. knowing my penchant for procrastination i may not though, or i just may take forever to get the stuff sent. xD

other than all this i've been slowly planning another doll for celebratory purchase once my business is making decent money. i've been looking for a doll that'd be a decent match facially to Xavin to be her baby girl. i'm not worrying about skin tone, i tanned Xavin, i can tan her baby, but it's really hard to find a tiny with elf ears, a realistic mouth with a full bottom lip, and eyes that aren't alien-huge. those are really my only set-in-stone criteria at this point. i do prefer happyish mouth sculpts, no anger or pouting for this one.. and i'd like a hint of shyness, but the elf ears, full lower lip, and decently small eyes are the main thing. so far the best i've found is LittleFee Dark Elf Soo, but since i have to sell product before i can make enough profit to finance this doll, i'm still looking around. xD i'm also willing to take suggestions if anyone finds something they think looks more like a decent match. for those that don't know, this is Xavin.

State of the Neko address: week 47, part 2

2011-01-11T08:47:00.002-06:00

song+ Rock Your Body- Black Eyed Peas
book+ the Stanislaski saga
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been making progress on personal projects
downer+ there doesn't seem to be enough time in a given day..
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

Day Ten: One confession.

1.) i'm always afraid, of almost everything. it's really only pride that keeps me going in any situation. my biggest fear is failure (in any capacity) and there's SO much i could screw up now, but i want to make it work, so i suck it up and make the fear work for me, in as many ways as i can. when i'm happy, i'm afraid i'll screw it up. when i'm depressed i'm afraid i'll never feel better. when i'm doing what i love, i worry that i'm not really any good and the positive reviews are platitudes due to family obligation and i don't really deserve the praise. i'm afraid of things, or situations, of so much. the only things i'm not afraid of are pain and death. i don't go looking for either, but they're about the only things that i've never panicked over. even love terrifies me, i worry that i'll ruin it, or that i don't deserve it. it doesn't matter that i KNOW how absurd my fears are, i still feel them.

i'm afraid of living, but i keep on every day.

State of the Neko address: week 47

2011-01-10T01:12:00.001-06:00

song+ BigBangTheory theme song
book+ nothing presently
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been making progress on personal projects
downer+ there doesn't seem to be enough time in a given day..
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

1.)
it's a cluttered office, with multiple desks, piles of fabric and notions, sorted bundles of art supplies, and dolls side by side within reach. a small area on the main desk is entirely cleared for room do draw out designs. supplies pertaining to other hobbies are visible, but put aside as the focus here is establishing the design and manufacture enterprise i've undertaken. it should be pretty obvious, this image is my office currently. xD it's chaotic and cluttered, but it's how i work.
2.)
this is more symbolic of how my time is spent now. i'm either designing and figuring out what i'd like to make and what i think will sell, or i'm slaving to make the patterns so i can actually make and sell the things i've worked SO HARD to design. this is what my life boils down to lately. it's exhausting and the hours really never stop, but it's so much more fulfilling than any 9 to 5 job ever was. i really do LOVE what i'm trying to do now. this is my iPod and speakers for the music that keeps me going. my pencil, eraser, fine point pens, and Prismacolor markers for the designs themselves. it's some finished designs and the materials i've picked for the self-fulfillment projects i'm working on side by side with the business setup. there's also the tape and vellum pieces and stuff for making the patterns.

State of the Neko address: week 46, part 7

2011-01-09T03:10:00.000-06:00

song+ Ragdoll- Ashlee Simpson- Bittersweet World
book+ for the Love of Lilah
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been making progress on personal projects
downer+ there doesn't seem to be enough time in a given day..
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

1.) intelligence
2.) an open mind
3.) awesome shoes

State of the Neko address: week 46, part 6

2011-01-08T01:29:00.001-06:00

song+ Ragdoll- Ashlee Simpson- Bittersweet World
book+ Night Moves
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been making progress on personal projects
downer+ there doesn't seem to be enough time in a given day..
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water. i'm still out of milk

Day Seven: Four turn-offs.

1.) smoking/recreational drug use
2.) an extraordinarily dominant personality (i decide what i'll do or not do)
3.) treating me like i'm a fool or a moron.
4.) dressing like a blind hobo. ick. Redneck Style is NOT my sexy button xP

State of the Neko address: week 46, part 5

2011-01-07T15:59:00.000-06:00

song+ Misery- Maroon 5- Hands All Over
book+ nothing presently
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been making progress on personal projects
downer+ there doesn't seem to be enough time in a given day..
attire+ pants and a plain tee
drink+ water. i'm still out of milk

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

1.) Kyu
2.) Roro
3.) James
4.) mom
5.) Mommy2

State of the Neko address: week 46, part 4

2011-01-06T14:33:00.000-06:00

song+ What Do You Want From Me?- Kris Allen
book+ a former co-worker's screenplay
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been making progress on personal projects
downer+ there doesn't seem to be enough time in a given day..
attire+ pants and one of my (many) Wonder Woman tee shirts
drink+ water. i'm out of milk again

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. (since i don't believe in regret, this is more mistakes i'll admit to making)

1.) ignored sound advice out of spite and rebellion
2.) feigned romantic interest to preserve a friendship
3.) bought things out of "oh shiny!" and not a legitimate desire to have them
4.) pretended to be someone else for a chance at approval i didn't really want or need
5.) let my laziness and depression overshadow my passion for learning early on, hindering my options in later educational endeavors
6.) given up what i really wanted to maintain a semblance of peace with people i didn't (still don't) even like

pictures of stuff! xD

2011-01-05T20:03:00.003-06:00

in addition to the 10 days of whatever, i have some random photos to share of various things i think will amuse all of you.

some of the tree i made this year, since at the last moment i remembered that last year the dog ate the tree. like literally. there's the dolls trimming it, and Christmas Eve shots of our gifts under it and the stockings on the wall as Kyu did hobby stuff in the way. xD

Chloe's faceup finally got done as i figured she finally deserved a face for 2011. it's kinda like she's a tiny version of Eve almost. xD seriously slightly smaller than a barbie, she's sitting on top of my design portfolio.

some of Cori and Xavin snuggling. they photograph easiest together since they're my darkest dolls and anyone else gets washed out in pictures with them.. xD like the smidgen of Eve you see in the corner on one of them.

lastly, an example of how i do my pattern drafting. i cut shapes from vellum and tape them together until i have the shape and silhouette i want for the final garment, then i cut darts until it lays flat, trace it onto paper and add a seam allowance. this is for a Vegas showgirl costume i'm doing for Xavin. if the pleats lay right in vellum i KNOW for certain i won't have trouble gathering them in cotton. xD

State of the Neko address: week 46, part 3

2011-01-05T14:13:00.000-06:00

song+ Just the Way You Are- Bruno Mars
book+ FF3 guide
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been working on personal projects during the holiday period
downer+ have to get back to work on business stuff now
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1.) my diet. i really love junk food so healthy stuff and moderation in everything is hard and i have to think about it. a lot.
2.) design work. i'm always considering what i can draw next
3.) the shapes i need to make the next pattern pieces for Cori.
4.) how much work i'll still have to do adapting Cori's patterns to make Eve's. there's a pretty huge difference in fit between the two of them
5.) how unhappy Kyu is at work. he's been unhappy there for years, and at least now he's taking steps to learn the trade he'd rather be pursuing, but anything worth doing is worth doing right, so he's sticking with the other job also to pay the bills.
6.) music. i'm always looking for more, since i'm pretty much always listening to it now that i work at home. i have six or seven new albums to listen to and delete what i don't like, then i'll be looking for more again.
7.) more space on my computer. when i can afford it i need to get an external drive for all my music since the quantity i have is slowing down everything else.. and i still want more.

State of the Neko address: week 46, part 2

2011-01-04T00:41:00.001-06:00

song+ Magic- B.o.B.
book+ FF3 guide
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been working on personal projects during the holiday period
downer+ have to get back to work on business stuff now
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1.) make me laugh
2.) be completely honest, even if you think i don't want to hear what you have to say
3.) respect that sometimes (frequently) i just want to be alone. it doesn't mean i hate you, or that i'm even angry or upset, i just need more solitude than pretty much anyone else ever
4.) appreciate music. it doesn't have to be the same stuff i like, i get that i have the musical tastes of a twelve year old or a gay man, but as long as you get the need for music i know that you get me (as much as anyone really can)
5.) realize that i am pretty much beyond comprehension and be okay with it. it's okay, even people who've known me all my life can't say with any certainty the kind of person i am. i'm living contradictions that fit perfectly as a whole.
6.) listen to what i have to say and respect my point of view, even if it's not yours
7.) know that sometimes the unexpected means more to me than the typical. favorite valentine's gift ever? a snuggly lap blanket.
8.) use your talents. i hate when someone squanders what they've been given only to complain that their life is lacking something. if you deny who you could be it's only natural to be unhappy.

State of the Neko address: week 46

2011-01-03T01:07:00.001-06:00

song+ Rock God- Selena Gomez & the Scene- A Year Without Rain
book+ FF3 guide
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been working on personal projects during the holiday period
downer+ have to get back to work on business stuff now
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1.) i have about as many allergies as i do phobias, none of which are the types of things you'd expect. i'm allergic to wool, but NOT poison ivy. i'm afraid of grass, but not needles/knives/swords- i'm fine with them. the exception being that i'm fine with needles for injection/application, but not extraction. that's less fear than involuntary sickness though.
2.) i'm a little dyslexic with numbers. i'm not bad at math, but i hate doing it since i'm pretty much always having to double-check and make sure the digits are in the right place. to me 29 and 92 look about the same, so i have to try harder to do the same amount of number-crunching as someone normal.
3.) i think in colors and shapes. words are easy to me, and i can sometimes tell what someone's saying if i don't speak their language, but i think in planes and angles. corners and tangents and color are my native language. i understand what makes something before i understand how to replicate it.
4.) my design process is frequently abstract. i have an idea for a theme and think of what it makes me feel, then what that feeling makes me see. i described it to kyu almost as a handful of d20 being rolled and then i see if the result makes sense. if not, i re-roll and keep my thoughts tumbling until it clicks. to non-nerds i suppose comparing it to a slot machine would work about the same. xD
5.) i have a passion for myth. fairy tales, religious myth, and fantasy all have the same underlying structure to their worlds. it feels brilliant and right to me and i've always loved them.
6.) i'm not particularly religious in spite of that. i have a belief structure, but since it doesn't align with any traditional one, i prefer not to explain it to anyone. the biggest misunderstanding is that since i no longer identify myself a particular way people assume i think it's all wrong. just because it's not my truth doesn't mean it's not true for other people. i fully believe that a person's truth is dependent on the shape of their soul.
7.) i believe in supernatural phenomena. not ALL of it, but a lot of tales have recurring themes in cultures all over the world throughout history, so it makes sense that there's a degree of truth to it. i've seen things that can't be explained by modern science, so i believe.
8.) i'm a scorpio. i believe that says a good deal about who i am as a person. not that it defines me, but that it provides a template for getting to know me. i believe in astrology. xD
9.) i don't believe that monogamy is natural. not that it's impossible, it's entirely attainable and respectable, but i think it's unnatural so far as instinct goes. people assume that my saying this is justification of a desire to stray and it's not i have no desire for an alternative partner. i think a person can't help who they feel attracted to, and nature has people being drawn to multiple options for survival of the species, but resisting that is entirely possible. a person can ignore or resist urges when already committed and that's what they should do. honesty is the key, i won't deny attraction to people other than the one i'm committed to, but i have never cheated and fully believe i never will.

State of the Neko address: week 45 (technically)

2011-01-02T23:20:00.003-06:00

song+ Rock God- Selena Gomez & the Scene- A Year Without Rain
book+ FF3 guide
quest+ getting more dolls sold soonish
upper+ been working on personal projects during the holiday period
downer+ have to get back to work on business stuff now
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

stealing this from Roro. i'm running a little later, but it'll all get done. xD

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day One: i love you all!
1.) you are my sun. i can't hate you, in spite of the fact that my life is cold when i think of how you're not near. i hate that you can hurt me, and do without trying. i hate that you still matter to me, no matter how i try to forget you and move on. i really don't think i'll ever be able to.
2.) you are my moon. you're mercurial and changing and i love you. you make me happy out of nowhere. you make me crazy all the time and i'm amazed i have yet to actually deck you, but mostly you make me happy. i feel loved with you, and like i really matter for more than what i can do. i matter for who i am.
3.) i suppose you're one of the distant planets- i'm aware of your location, but can't see you on my own. it requires outside help. i miss feeling like your friend. i wish our cumulative crazy didn't keep us apart so much. we really should talk more than we do.
4.) in the metaphorical sky of my interpersonal relationships, you're a specific constellation- orion the hunter. there and dependable, i never worry that you'll let me down. everyone can see how dependable you are. it's possibly the thing i love most about you after your twisted sense of humor.
5.) you make me laugh more than pretty much anyone else i know. you're not a constellation, you're the north star. steady and dependable. fog and distance makes it hard to see you sometimes, but i know you're there for me. and i'm always here for you too.
6.) you're mercury, part of my orbit, but not always when i wish you would be. loving you is frequently an exercise in frustration, but it can also be surprising delight. i wish you'd find yourself. you're on your way, but it's hard to know you when you don't know yourself. also you manage to effect every relationship i'm part of when you swing through.
7.) it'd be easy to label you ursa major, but i think you're more the weaver. i'm glad that in recent years we've found the relationship i couldn't handle trying to build for so long. i'm glad that my selfish years of paranoia, doubt and depression didn't kill in you what it was smothering in me. i know i was remarkably unpleasant for a long time. i was so miserably unhappy i didn't want anyone else to be either and much of that was taken out on you. even when that was happening though, i took solace in the artistic gifts you've given me. when i couldn't stand to say i loved, or was loved, it was easy to say that i inherited my artistic skill from my mother. i've always admired your capacity to create. it's the most beautiful part of you.
8.) you're a star i was afraid had burned out, it just turns out i wasn't looking in the right direction. your friendship defined the most challenging moments of my youth. knowing you got me through so many problems, some things i spoke of easily and some i was ashamed of feeling. i knew that you'd still love me if i screwed up, and i knew my words mattered to you, so i made sure i was careful with them. the relationship we had made me work to be worthy of it. i'm glad we're taking steps to find that again, in the years we didn't speak i missed you more than i could figure out how to articulate.
9.) you're a distant star, i sometimes wish we were closer than we are, but i know that there's warmth in spite of perceived distance. you have different skills than i do, chief among them being (in my view) composure in the face of the unknown. it's not your most obvious skill, but it's what i've always been most envious of. i'm afraid of so much, your capacity to do anything you try inspires me to be less afraid.
10.) you're a distant star, i sometimes wish we were closer than we are, but i know that there's warmth in spite of perceived distance. i think that much of what we don't have rests on me and my numerous neuroses, but i'm happy that little by little we're managing to connect a litte more. while i don't see us ever having the kind of relationships we individually share with others, i enjoy learning about who you've become in the time we were living independantly.

State of the Neko address: week 44

2010-12-24T13:12:00.002-06:00

song+ Kiss & Tell- Selena Gomez & the Scene- Kiss & Tell
book+ FF13 guide
quest+ getting some dolls sold soonish
upper+ the EiD curves have been (mostly) conquered
downer+ i'm too poor to be generous this Christmas
attire+ jeans and a tank
drink+ water, i ran out of milk..

merry Christmas Eve! this week's been packed with last-second holiday prep so not too much to share.. i'll have photos later but i don't have them yet..

Kyu started his tattoo apprenticeship last night. did the coloring on his mom's new wrist piece. it's a good one, he designed it too, and again there will be pictures, but i don't have them yet. xD

this morning while talking to Roro, i worked up a design for the W/eagle hybrid logo used in the Dodson/Scott versions of the good Wonder Woman costume recently. i'm thinking i wanna get it on the interior of my left wrist. i may as well combine embracing my nerd side with supporting Kyu in his chosen avocation, right? xD naturally it'll have to wait until i have the funds to spare, but i think it'd be nice for both of us.

State of the Neko address: week 43, part 2

2010-12-19T21:25:00.002-06:00

song+ A Year Without Rain- Selena Gomez & the Scene- A Year Without Rain
book+ a script written by a former co-worker
quest+ getting some dolls sold soonish
upper+ the EiD curves have been (mostly) conquered
downer+ i was sick for two and a half days, putting me a bit behind
attire+ jeans and a tank
drink+ milk (with breakfast cereal..)

i got hit with some kind of tummy bug friday and it had me laid up through most of yesterday too. today's been much better and i'm working on trying to catch up all the stuff i didn't get done on the designs and drafting while i was sick. today was also a day for taking pictures of FaithAnn and Rosalie since it's been a while, so i do have those to share. they're on facebook too, but this is easier for some people. i do love the long green wig on FaithAnn, but the color tends to stain so she can't wear it long-term, i just have to put it on for photo shoots then put her back in the black one for daily use.

this is the same wig i altered for Rosalie's hair. it's like a before-and-after almost

this is the hair she wears most of the time now. i need to get her a longer one though

State of the Neko address: week 43

2010-12-13T16:11:00.002-06:00

song+ Live Like There's No Tomorrow- Selena Gomez & the Scene- A Year Without Rain
book+ Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum books
quest+ getting some dolls sold soonish
upper+ the EiD curves have been (mostly) conquered
downer+ i'm having trouble starting my day as early as i need to
attire+ dog-walking clothes- pants and a hoodie over pajama top
drink+ milk

real measurable progress is being made in my pattern drafting endeavors.. the med bust ones at least. i still haven't actually sewn from them yet, but the basic parts are done and i'm working on some specialized things now so i should have something to show off relatively soon. and after that enlarging to accommodate the large bust should be relatively simple.

i've been watching various things in the background to keep myself amused. i work best when my focus is split and music on it's own only gets be so far distraction-wise. i've made it through all but 4 episodes of Bones in the past week, and i'm wondering what to move on to next. possibly a re-watch of Dead Like Me, though it's kinda a visual show. who knows, i have tons to go through in my case of tv shows and movies, so i'm sure i'll find something. xD for today though, there's new music to go through.

i think in another few days i should have the patterns ready for my initial 16 designs, at which point i'll be able to sew up some samples and ask for feedback before doing more designs. kyu is antsy for me to start the actual production, but he's having trouble comprehending just how much effort goes into the pattern drafting. knowing what i want it to look like is a factor, but there's also figuring out what basic shapes will give me the desired silhouette with normal-looking seam lines.

honestly i went into this expecting the bust to be the most difficult thing to work with/around, but the hips and butt are giving me more trouble than anything else. after getting something to lay right on the front, i'll turn her and see that the back has ridden or bunched and looks absurd, or that the angle of curvature on her hips has torn the vellum i'm using for drafting. it's nuts seriously! i'm getting past it though, that's what tape is for, right?

State of the Neko address: week 42

2010-12-08T12:36:00.003-06:00

song+ the Bones tv theme- the Crystal Method
book+ Innovative Serging
scent+ toasted waffles
quest+ getting some dolls sold soonish
upper+ the EiD curves have been dealt with
downer+ i'm having trouble starting my day as early as i need to
attire+ dog-walking clothes- pants and a hoodie over pajama top
drink+ hot chocolate

i've made substantial progress in my EID pattern drafting in the past week. my first few attempts resulted in unusable messes, but at least i learned which methods empirically don't work with the EID curves. all i've worked out so far is for the medium bust, but once i know they work, adapting to get similar large bust versions shouldn't be difficult at all. i've figured out four tops, and three skirt silhouettes, and a few flourishes that could work with them to give more options, and a sundress. soon i should be ready to sew with them and see what alterations will still need to be made, but for now i'm pleased with how far i've gotten, especially since i really only got my first successful pieces friday afternoon.

once i've made a functional cloth version of each thing from my patterns, i'll be able to start production on the things i've designed. it should be pretty fun. xD after i have things made up and right, i'll ba able to think about other things i want to work on for them. expanding into more complex designs, or working in beading or jewelry with the outfits i'll be selling.

mom did mention to me i could probably do pretty well if i sold a PDF version of my patterns. people would pay to make clothes for their dolls without having to work through the nightmare of their curves. it makes sense, but the proprietary psrt of me is reluctant to sell convenience when i've worked so hard on this. probably less hard than some others would have to just due to the way my mind works, but it's still been a solid week of effort just to get what i have. and doing the pattern drafting has made me realize that there's a LOT i left off my "what i'll need for a workable start to this business" list. so far i'm working so i won't need elastic or velcro, but i will need a HUGE supply of tiny buttons, snaps and zippers, of which i currently have very few if any at all. i'm also going to need lots of slim ribbon, it features often in my designs as an embellishment. rarely as a ruffle or bow, but as trim.

i favor bold colors (jewel tones) and clean neutrals (buff, charcoal, black and white), almost always in a fitted silhouette flaring at the hips and legs. i'm not fond of pastels or baggy anything really. i believe the human body is a thing of beauty and shouldn't always be covered neck-to-knee, but understand that others think it should be out of respect for it. my designs very clearly show my own personal preferences, and i realize that what i like personally may not be what others want for their own dolls so i'll have to be a little more open-minded, but i refuse to work with things i don't like at all. there's no sense doing something i'll hate because it could maybe sell better than something i'd love doing. that's why i'm working from home in the first place, to be happy with what i'm doing. maybe i should show what i have to people who clearly have differing tastes from my own and see what they think of them. i'm more likely to budge on color palette than overall silhouette though.

i suppose my family would be the best source of differing styles to ask feedback from. xD that's a very safe understatement, in fact..

State of the Neko address: week 41, part 2

2010-12-03T12:49:00.002-06:00

song+ Just the Way You Are- Bruno Mars
book+ nothing
scent+ gummy sharks & dinos
quest+ getting 6 1/2 dolls sold soonish
upper+ i'm making progress preparing the business
downer+ the EiD curves are slowing down pattern drafting a bit
attire+ khaki pants and my sparkly lime green winter shirt
drink+ hot chocolate

mom asked who all's leaving me doll wise so here it is.. up for grabs are:

-Soom Beyla (dec 09) unicorn hooves & tail, also the human and unicorn heads. the body was sold this summer. i have the outfit too if it's desired, it's like the one below, but white instead of black. (no pictures yet since i'm still stripping the original paint)
-Soom Bygg (dec 09) with all fantasy and human parts and both heads (i can't currently find the tail, but i'm looking for it and it's part of the set.) i'll sell the outfit too if it's wanted. offered as it's currently painted, with the acrylic eyes and wig included. horned head has eyes modded more open.

-Kid Delf Bory girl (may 09 batch) appx 43cm tall. altered faceup and coral mani/pedi to match lips, no other mods. acrylic eyes and wig included, and the pirate outfit & boots too since it doesn't fit anything else i have. velcro on the headcap to keep wigs in place. (sorry for the CRAZYFLASH)

-DOC Too with minor yellowing on wrists/forearms (march 07 batch) appx 45cm tall. original body, slight staining from a black wig, not easily visible in pictures. finger separation was done and his mani/pedi is dark purple. still has default faceup, though lashes are loosening.

-DOC Bee-A with minor yellowing at wrists/forearms (march 07 batch) appx 43cm tall. type 2 body, slight staining from dark wig, not easily visible in pictures. finger and toe separation was done and her mani/pedi is violet. default faceup still intact.

-DOT Camine (march 07 batch) appx 65cm tall original body with toe separation done. default faceup intact.

-DOT E-An with minor yellowing on wrists/forearms (march 07 batch) appx 63cm tall. original body with finger and toe separation done. custom faceup after her original chipped in the third month or so she was home.

in all honesty all the DOD dolls are floppy like crazy and could stand some sueding/restringing/wiring or whatever, i just have no interest in improving dolls i don't want anymore. i need the space and i haven't done anything with these ones in almost a year, so i'd rather pass them to someone who really wants and can love them. also, after i have time to go through it i'll be unloading a pretty sizable inventory of doll clothes these used to wear, i just have to see what'll still fit the ones i'm keeping first. if there's interest i could put aside what i already know fits specific dolls.

State of the Neko address: week 41

2010-12-02T16:57:00.002-06:00

song+ Just the Way You Are- Bruno Mars
book+ nothing
scent+ hot chocolate
quest+ getting a home business pulled together
upper+ i have materials on hand to get started
downer+ i'll have to rely on self-motivation
attire+ real-people grownup clothes :P
drink+ hot chocolate

i've taken the pictures for the sales threads on DoA for the six (and a half) dolls Kyu and i are looking to sell, the threads will go up this weekend. i'm giving my friends first chance to call dibs and make offers. xD after i took all those photos i took a few of the ones staying with us, and found some i just forgot to share a while back, so that's today's post. yay dolly photos!

the keepers: Momo, Eve, FaithAnn, Rosalie, Cori, Chloe (Kyu still hasn't painted her faceup, so i'll probably do it soon), and Xavin

Xavin and Momo

Eve's sexy new(ish) boots. i wish i could find these in me-size! xD

two outfits i bought Eve off Dollmore a while back. like back around the time i first ordered Cori i think? xD oh well, i took these when i took all the pictures of the things i'd sewn for her and i think i just never got them off my camera. if it's repeat spam that's fine too. the first one's not actually that sheer, it's kinda reflective in certain lighting though. xD

State of the Neko address: week 40

2010-11-23T14:09:00.002-06:00

song+ the Only Exception- Paramore
book+ nothing
scent+ sweat (comes with being ill, unfortunately)
quest+ getting a home business pulled together
upper+ i have materials on hand to get started
downer+ i'll have to rely on self-motivation
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

i've been meaning to post for the past week and some, it's not like anything great has happened to keep me away, i've just been stewing in my own panic and paranoia and my ego prefers not to reveal that to others. i know, pride before the fall and all that, but at least it was only a week.

basically what's up is that when i quit my last job, i went and applied at places i like to shop, thinking that i'd at least know the merchandise and have helpful opinions and such. (boy was that wrong!) i took the first job offered to me and neglected to factor in any of my neuroses. it turns out that when you have a crippling fear of strangers, don't handle phones at all well, and are kinda math dyslexic, being a HEAD CASHIER is not the best fit. since my first day on the job ended all my spare time has been spent FREAKING OUT (oddly, i handle it kinda okay while actually at work). i'm having panic attacks right and left, worrying about it is keeping me from sleeping, and the stress is literally making me sick. i've kept with it out of a sense of obligation (there's bills to pay after all) and the knowledge that tons of people hate their jobs, they just do them anyhow. i really don't think i can anymore though, so last night while i couldn't sleep i was thinking about what i'd like to do, and what i can do. after talking to Kyu on his lunch break today i've decided what i will do. i'm quitting my job this week, then doing something fulfilling.

to start with, i'm selling half my dolls- the half i kept because i enjoyed the effort of obtaining them or because they were my first. i'm keeping my Iple girls, and Momo. selling off the rest (and the things that fit them and not the ones i'm keeping) should make me enough money to help with the bills for the next month or two. after that point i should be ready to sell original designs for EiD women. that's the bulk of my plan. i LOVE fashion design, i enjoy sewing at the fiddly doll scale, and i'm not afraid of the EiD curves, so i'm going to sew for them and sell it on Etsy (and possibly Ebay) and make money that way. i know it won't be easy, but it's entirely possible. i may sew for JiD girls too, but since both mine are the large bust i won't be able to serve a pretty sizable section of that ownership, so it'll be special exceptions when i make things for them.

i need to start by making a handful of EiD patterns in large and medium bust, then i can just make what i see in my head. once the serger's set up, i can sew it all much quicker. really the only things limiting the income of that endeavor is how much i'm willing to work for it, in both the construction and the marketing. i need to be willing to put myself out there so other owners can find me, and i need to be motivated enough to keep a varied stock ready to ship out. fortunately there's a post office within walking distance, so i can do this on my own and not have to factor in fuel costs and such.

so yeah, nervous breakdown narrowly averted, (yay for that!) and most of my doll stuff will be sold over the next while. i won't be able to buy fun things for a while, but that's fine, it'll leave me time to work on actually making money. doing this i'll be able to do what i like, and when i want to i can branch out and do other things related to the same field. like beaded jewelry, or doll-scale chain-mail. it's a fascinating art, but kinda expensive, so it'll be a long while before i can even try it. xD but yeah, i'm going for it, so wish me luck!