the fog is rolling in

song+ No Words -the Script -3
book+ ff12 guide
quest+ poke-plushes!
upper+ fun mini doll meet yesterday
downer+ allergies
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

i can feel the oppressive haze of indifference creeping in. that's the worst part of my chronic depression, when i'm not sad, and i want to do things, but it's the hardest thing in the world to even get out of bed. i want to be designing and sewing, or writing, maybe even painting or playing one of my numerous saves on any number of video games, but the hardest part of my day every time i wake up is getting out of bed. i've been dealing with tension headaches, airborne allergies, and light and sound sensitivity on top of that. it's made things generally unpleasant. it's hard to find the right words, there's so much i want to say, but there's a block keeping me from getting it out. it sucks.

happy easter!

song+ All I See -Kylie Minogue -X
book+ nothing
quest+ poke-plushes!
upper+ ah..something i'm sure?
downer+ difficulty on some of my poke-patterns
attire+ black pants and my union jack Tardis tee
drink+ water

i slept in this morning, so i had no time to post before i headed up to Wild West, but i'm still hitting the right day at least.

i don't have much to show for this week's project progress because i'm still figuring patterns. i think i'm mostly over the hurdle i've been caught on (with Cubone) for a few days though, so maybe soon.

really between drafting patterns and planning my decompression endeavor (most likely a power leveled FF12 run) i've had lots going on in my brain but very little outward progress. i've also been working off and on to clean up the downstairs of our apartment (the kitchen especially) so we can get the maintenance guy to come finally fix pretty much everything. really i've learned that when i hyper focus on one thing i burn out faster, when i switch between projects i'm more productive overall because it takes longer for me to get to that "i can't even look at this" point.

it's been a moderately productive week

song+ Love, Selfish Love -Patrick Stump -Truant Wave
book+ nothing
quest+ poke-plushes!
upper+ awesome spring storm outside
downer+ all our umbrellas are broken
attire+ black pants and my smitey-Thor tee
drink+ ginger ale

still in a creative mood, i sewed a skirt for Skelita Tuesday at knit night, and a vest Thursday evening. the robe that'll complete the outfit is waiting. instead i spent yesterday looking at available free pokemon plush patterns and thinking i could do better than some of them, so i drafted a Spheal for Kyu. it came out well overall, even if the front end got a little smooshy faced. i suppose starting with a perfectly spherical pokemon wasn't the smartest choice.

i spent last night altering and resizing an Ivysaur pattern i found, and this morning i'll be drawing the parts it totally neglected to cover (like ears) it should be ready to be test-sewn tonight for sure. then i think i wanna try and figure out Lapras, or maybe a Gengar pattern. i'm doing my best to draft them all in scale to MSD, which makes them about one sixth human scale (i think). sewing something that's 4-6 feet tall in scale to a 45cm doll is way easier really. xD

no pictures of anything because my desk and the surrounding areas look like a hurricane hit and there's nowhere unoffensive to take photos, but i'll do my best to get pictures in the next week.

ideas are percolating

song+ America's Suitehearts -Fall Out Boy -Folie a Deux
book+ nothing
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ feeling productive
downer+ insomnia is scrambling my brain
attire+ pajamas
drink+ ginger ale

so i'm in a creating kinda mood. i spent several hours yesterday finding free Monster High clothing patterns, tracing them from my screen (as i have no printer) and adjusting them to be easier to use. if i can make a mostly-functional garment from paper, i know it'll fit when i make it from fabric. i've come to realize that pattern drafting (for me) requires a very specific mindset, but alterations i can do (and enjoy!) pretty much any time. i figure i've got this morning to keep going with that before we head up to Wild West for game day. last week i managed to watch two games (even if i didn't really follow everything) so i'm hoping i can manage similarly today. if not, i'll probably have further pattern alteration i can work on.

my first project is an outfit for muffin's MH Skelita. being a day of the dead inspired skeleton girl she doesn't fit standard clothes well, and muffin doesn't like the frilly BRIGHT skirt she came wearing, so i offered to make something else. something flowing and adjustable, and dark. the other patterns i'm modifying will be personal-use, because my favorite thing about doll collecting is changing their clothes. like all the time. xD

after i have the stuff figured out for Skelita i wanna work out new looks for my EAH girls. i have specific ideas for Blondie and Cupid, and vague ones for Raven, Maddie and Apple, so i should have plenty to keep me busy. no idea how much will be finished this week, but it's an entertaining project for now.

still fighting with my brain

song+ All the Lovers -Kylie Minogue -Aphrodite
book+ nothing
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ pleasant week overall
downer+ insomnia is scrambling my brain
attire+ pajamas
drink+ strawberry-kiwi juice

so i kinda missed my Sunday deadline on this one, insomnia had me off kilter and i thought it was Saturday all day. oops. game day was Saturday for so long that being at the store makes me think that's what it must be. i'm sure i'll adjust eventually, but the sleep deprivation didn't help with perception.

i managed to sit long enough to enjoy a few games yesterday, it does seem easier to learn than 40k, but i'm still likely to be pretty lost until i can sit and read the rulebook. still waiting for my brain to decide words aren't the enemy anymore. not being able to read has been pretty frustrating.

a midweek post? what sorcery is this?

song+ I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) -Fall Out Boy -From Under the Cork Tree
book+ Unfairest of them All- Shannon Hale
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ pleasant week overall
downer+ trouble processing written words lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

every weekend i'm all "not much is happening, except Pokemon" but i guess that's not really true. it ties into a lot of what i brought up talking to Rory on Skype, so there's gonna be some quoting going on here while i work on sharing what i'm thinking and feeling. i'm very honest, but i'm also very secretive and it's sometimes hard to balance the two.

[8:20:57 PM] Rory: HI HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
[8:21:57 PM] neko: i think i'm okay?
[8:22:35 PM] neko: like i'm not depressed, but i'm feeling more like a burden than normal, so i wanna find a job, but it needs to be something that won't send me back into the abyss i spent 3 years fighting my way out of.
[8:22:52 PM] neko: that's not going too well.
[8:23:24 PM] neko: i'm underqualified for general adult-type jobs, and overqualified for generic entry-level jobs.
[8:24:14 PM] neko: so it's frustrating. i feel like i'm not really getting anywhere, so i disteact myself with designing and pokemon, but that makes it look like i'm not trying at all, which is stressing kyu pretty badly.
[8:24:42 PM] neko: plus my insomnia's been wicked bad lately, and nothing i've tried has helped there at all.

(this section is RE:Rory's recent posts about suicide urges) 

[8:34:56 PM] neko: sometimes all you can do is try and think of why you want to live. and sometimes that's fucking hard.
[8:35:22 PM] Rory: yeah..
[8:35:44 PM] neko: like i've never wanted to die, but sometimes it's all i can do to think of one single reason i wanna keep living. i exist in a greyish limbo between them.
[8:36:16 PM] neko: fear controls so much of my life, it's really hard to see past it to any kind of positive outcome.
[8:37:47 PM] Rory: that's terrifying. :/
[8:37:52 PM] neko: like i want to work, and go to school to get a degree and do something with my life, but most of the time i dread leaving the aparment that i HATE because as hellish as this place is, outside means contact with people and that's terrifying.
[8:38:01 PM] neko: xD yeah i know
[8:38:42 PM] neko: i dread getting through school and ending up like dad, listless and unable to use my degree for anything, piling up hopeless debt
[8:38:57 PM] Rory: i was similarly terrified of people when I got back into the working world.
[8:39:03 PM] neko: i worry that i'll get a degree and just be NOT GOOD ENOUGH
[8:39:59 PM] neko: i've lived tormented by social anxiety my whole life. i don't know eye colors of people i love absolutely because eye contact is so hard for me.
[8:40:11 PM] Rory: MINE ARE GREEN
[8:40:15 PM] Rory: just FYI
[8:40:32 PM] Rory: a mossy green with bits of brown and grey
[8:40:47 PM] neko: like i know kyu's eys are blue, but only because i've been told that. 10 years of dating (and more of friendship) and even his eyes i can't meet. are they blue-grey? green-blue? no idea
[8:41:54 PM] neko: mine are a dark brown, with gold tones in sunlight, but i have no idea if they match anyone else in the family, because i CAN"T LOOK without panic overwhelming me.

(a gap here as Rory filled me in on family eye colors)

[8:52:19 PM] neko: i'm not good at interpersonal relationships. they're really hard for me, so i struggle to maintain them. there are only a few people i really make that continual effort for, because i know how terrible my life would be without them in it.
[8:52:34 PM] neko: i feel guilty that most of the people i'll make effort for i'm not related to.
[8:53:01 PM] neko: i try with James, and kyu (it's easier that we live together, but even before, i tried),
[8:53:50 PM] neko: i keep up with you and mom, but that's about the limit of my capacity. i wonder if there's something inherently wrong in me that i can't love more than i do, that i can't connect to a wider group.
[8:54:06 PM] neko: i love our family, but most of them are barely a step up from strangers.
[8:54:09 PM] neko: to me
[8:54:39 PM] neko: now i see jenni a few times a month, but i still wouldn't say we're lose.
[8:54:43 PM] neko: close
[8:55:13 PM] neko: we enjoy spending time together, and we both manage friendliness, but that's the best i've ever managed with her.
[8:56:08 PM] neko: with rose every time i've tried i've ended up frustrated. i only exist to her when she needs something from me, or when it's my birthday. i deserve better, so i stopped trying.
[8:56:37 PM] neko: bonnie's nice enough, but there's distance emotional and physical and neither of us really manages to overcome it. ever.
[8:57:23 PM] neko: dad is dad. he's not my poppa, that man died. this is a shell that looks like him but manages to hurt my feelings every time we meet, and never seems to notice that his words are cutting me.
[8:57:41 PM] neko: i miss you.
[8:58:07 PM] Rory: I miss you too.
[8:58:30 PM] neko: i'm crying now. XD
[8:58:51 PM] neko: i try SO HARD, but i shouldn't have to try. family should be easy.
[8:59:03 PM] Rory: I feel the same way. So if there's something wrong with you it's wrong with me too.
[8:59:03 PM] neko: even when we fought, we GOT each other.
[8:59:19 PM] neko: why can't i have that with anyone else?
[8:59:58 PM] neko: like kyu gets me better than anyone (even you) but there are still things where he just can't understand at all
[9:00:11 PM] neko: am i that complicated? that hard to connect to?
[9:00:21 PM] Rory: I don't know. :/ But I do know that we HAVE got each other, and we understand each other, even if we don't agree at all times.
[9:01:13 PM] Rory: I can't claim to know you as well as your most intimate partner for 10 years, but I know you like two very close siblings know each other.
[9:01:21 PM] neko: yeah. xD
[9:02:26 PM] neko: like today he was frustrated and he said something along the lines of "sometimes i wanna slap your whole family, because yes we're best friends, but i'm your EX-BOYFRIEND, i shouldn't be your only emotional support!"
[9:02:57 PM] neko: and it made me feel guilty, because he's pretty much right, but i feel like a lot of the disconnect is on me.
[9:03:15 PM] neko: i can't relate and relax enough to be honest with them, so of course they don't know i need help.
[9:03:39 PM] neko: you do, i'm here for you and you're there for me, but the distance makes things hard

[9:59:01 PM] Rory: my head is pounding from Michael's tantrum.
[9:59:12 PM] neko: mine is from crying.
[9:59:21 PM] Rory: oh maybe mine's from your crying too
[9:59:25 PM] Rory: stop crying
[9:59:27 PM] Rory: XD
[9:59:32 PM] neko: i did, it got stuck.
[9:59:36 PM] neko: :(
[9:59:47 PM] Rory: that's balls
[10:00:46 PM] Rory: What's your crying motivation?
[10:00:52 PM] Rory: Maybe I can milk it and draw it out?
[10:00:56 PM] neko: ah no?
[10:01:00 PM] Rory: XD
[10:01:31 PM] neko: it's feeling like a shitty human being that's a burden for everyone i care about it, too broken to ever really live a life. i'd rather not have that poked at thanks. xD
[10:01:40 PM] Rory: damn
[10:01:49 PM] neko: right?
[10:01:55 PM] Rory: you're not a burden on me if that makes a difference.
[10:01:57 PM] neko: and this is me NOT DEPRESSED
[10:01:59 PM] neko: xD
[10:02:01 PM] neko: yay!
[10:02:05 PM] neko: one down!
[10:02:12 PM] Rory: 3 to go?
[10:02:29 PM] neko: or more
[10:02:29 PM] Rory: Mom. Jonathon, James?
[10:02:36 PM] neko: basically yeah
[10:02:38 PM] Rory: XD
[10:02:59 PM] neko: those but i also feel like a burden to other people too, anyone i tangentially know sometimes
[10:03:05 PM] Rory: oh
[10:03:07 PM] Rory: that's harder
[10:03:34 PM] neko: yeah. liike "my life touched yours for half a second once. i'm sorry anything that ever when wrong for you was my fault"

so now you know, when i say "not much has happened but Pokemon" what i probably mean is "Rory and i played therapist for each other a few times and i'm too emotionally stunted to share again so i'll pretend everything is okay because asking for help is hard".

good times

song+ Cannonball -Lea Michele -Louder
book+ Unfairest of them All- Shannon Hale
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ pleasant week overall
downer+ trouble processing written words lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

this week was a good one. more Pokemon got played (unsurprising, i'm sure) and Thursday i had lunch out with a friend. the best part of the week was definitely yesterday though, going to the Stars/Senators game with mom, Jenni and Derek. i don't really like sports in general, but i had fun, and by the time the game was over i could even mostly follow what was going on. xD the seats were really great and the company was too. by no means am i a hockey convert, but i did have fun for sure.

in a few hours we'll be heading up to the comic shop for gaming day. i still haven't been in a place where i can sit and observe enough to figure out if i'd like playing it yet, but i like talking to the employees, and i know the regular social interaction is good for me. there's a chance i may be tired early, but that's because i've had raging insomnia this week. i didn't sleep Friday night, then got home from the game and was asleep by 7:30 or so, only to wake up at 3am. i got out of bed and did internet-y things, discovered the second books in two trilogies i've been looking forward to both release on the 25th, so if i can manage to focus long enough to process the written word i have those to look forward to this week. and more Pokemon of course. xD