suddenly there is music in the sound of your name

song+ Rosemary -How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
book+ nothing
quest+ pokemon white
upper+ ah.. something, i'm sure
downer+ i completely failed to deliver
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

i had an okay week, except that i completely lost track of time and failed to finish the plush. in fact it's still not done, but it's really hard to make myself care. working on it was a nightmare and i've hated every moment related to it since i agreed to do it.

unrelated, i went with Jenni, Bonnie, Ren and Rose to see the Music Man yesterday, and it was good. i've had songs from a variety of Broadway shows in my head since leaving, but since i love showtunes that's hardly a bad thing. i'm gonna look for more musicals to watch this week while i work on other projects, showtunes make me happy. i may finally try out new shows that have been recommended but i've just put off from lack of motivation tracking them down.

i can move mountains, i can work a miracle

song+ Uma Thurman -Fall Out Boy -American Beauty American Psycho
book+ nothing
quest+ Squire productivity
upper+ rain?
downer+ less than a week to finish the squire
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

i hate when i promise something, then realize partway through that i hate doing it and wish i'd never promised it at all. when i promised the squire plush i thought it'd be a lot simpler tan it's been. the shape of it defies standard plush pattern shapes, i'm doing it entirely without my sewing machine, and in my hateful procrastination i've put it off so long that i have less than a week to figure out the remaining issues and finish the thing. ugh.

i've spent the last week doing everything i can to avoid thinking about it, but i've finally reached that point where i have to suck it up and deal. so i guess it's time to get to work.

you call me up again, just to break me like a promise (so casually cruel in the name of being honest)

song+ All Too Well -Taylor Swift -Red
book+ nothing
quest+ Squire productivity
upper+ cupcakes?
downer+ uh.. something i'm sure
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

i had another good weekend with mom. not too much got done opn the house projects, but some painting happened, and we both worked on personal projects.

i think the most notable thing this weekend was that mom and i hit her gym together and mom jogged a mile in one lane of the pool while i swam in a variety of forms (both standard and made up) in the lane next to her. it was fun, and i think the first time i'd been in a pool in something like 5 years. i love swimming, but the opportunity hadn't come up with workable timing in quite a while.

anyway, now it's on me to carry my weekend productivity into this week. we'll see what happens.

i asked her to stay, she didn't listen

song+ Won't Go Home Without You -Maroon 5 -It Won't Be Soon Before Long
book+ nothing
quest+ completing the Squire plush
upper+ yummy breakfast
downer+ looming dread over oft-procrastinated project
attire+ black pants and a Thor tee
drink+ starbucks strawberry creme frappucino

i know Kyu can relate, but sometimes you go to work on something and while you really want to get it done, you just find yourself filled with dread and hate and seething resentment. i want to get this stupid plush done, because i promised it and i do try to keep those, and because i'm looking forward to the decorating step, it's just the everything leading up to that i don't want to deal with. initial efforts turned out poorly so i have to redo like half of it, and the fabric is annoying, and my sewing machine's been busted for like a year, and just ugh.

i'll be trying to work on it this afternoon, but if the frustration gets too strong i'll probably take a break and play pokemon. pokemon is like my happy place, with less staring pointlessly into space. Pokemon makes me calm, except when it makes me furious because things need to just stay in the stupid balls!

you build me up and then i fall apart

song+ Human -Christina Perri -Head or Heart
book+ nothing
quest+ completing the Squire plush
upper+ i found a movie i enjoyed
downer+ depression is sinking in again
attire+ pajamas
drink+ Sun Drop

sometimes i exist in a happy bubble of complete disconnect from the rest of the world. frequently that's the easiest way to get by, if i don't know things are happening, those things can't set off my anxiety.

in a fitful desire to reconnect with the world, i looked to the internet to see if there was something new and interesting to watch. one thing that was pretty overwhelmingly recommended was the movie Kingsman the Secret Service. it, like Netflix!Daredevil isn't something i'd recommend to most of the family because of their personal viewing standards and preferences, but i was entertained as hell. i watched it in a fit of insomnia, finishing it around 3am. it was as entertaining as any James Bond film, without taking anything too seriously at all. i'm thinking of watching it again.

i've got various tasks i need to get done this week, and basically zero motivation to work on them. this is why i'm very careful about making promises when it comes to productivity, i never know if i'll be able to follow through, and i hate being made a liar by depression-induced apathy. i need to list some of my paintings for sale online, like i told Kyu i would, and i need to finish the plush i promised to one of the guys from the gaming group. i promised it MONTHS ago, but sewing anything at all has been the furthest thing from my mind. the gaming convention he wants to take it to is approaching though, so i'm running out of time. ugh.

i'll get it done, but it'll be finished with extreme resentment. nothing new really, sometimes even waking up is done with extreme resentment, that's just how i roll.

when you live like that you live with ghosts

song+ Bad Blood -Taylor Swift -1989
book+ Pokemon walkthroughs
quest+ finishing Alpha Sapphire so i can return it to Kyu
upper+ it's been a super productive weekend
downer+ my ankle's been spazzing lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

so i'm sitting playing Pokemon when i hear mom say from behind me "oh, you need to post something" and i realize 'oh yeah, it's Sunday' so here i am posting.

i'm at mom's again this weekend for more productivity on the various home improvement projects, but today being Sunday (and thus a work-free day) i'm mostly just using mom's laptop for support files as i work my way through a neurotic completionist Pokemon Alpha Sapphire playthrough. i'd like to get it done so i can return it to Kyu so he can finally play it, since it's his and all. he gave me free rein to play it first since he had other stuff he was working on, but i've had plenty of time, so i'm wanting to finish grinding out all i can get from it and move on.

really there's not much to say. the weekend's been a blend of Pokemon, writing (which is far from ready to share) and painty things, and mom shares that stuff as it gets finished on Facebook, so there's not much to say.

i wish that you could see you scars turn into beauty

song+ I Believe -Christina Perri -Head or Heart
book+ nothing
quest+ getting back to MH painting
upper+ ideas, lots of them
downer+ allergies
attire+ pants and a Human Torch tee
drink+ water

i think the weekend i just spent with mom was possibly our least productive one to date. stuff got done eventually, but the priority was honestly conversation about other things. it's fine, since we did get a few things done eventually, and we'll have time to make it up next weekend.

i've spent this whole weekend feeling like the words i want are hovering just outside my reach and it's really an annoying feeling, but i've sat here for like an hour trying to get to them and i can't, so i guess i'm done with this post.