apartment hunting

song+ Thank You For The Music- Mamma Mia!
book+ August Previews
scent+ artificial strawberry flavouring. yum!
quest+ deciding on a new place soon
upper+ i've been feeling pretty good lately
downer+ my computer can't access the internet
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+milk

so since no other viable solution has presented itself so far as the dad thing goes, kyu and i have decided to look for a two bedroom apartment. we're going to try for a place that also has reasonably priced one-bedroom/efficiency options so dad can do that. this way we don't have to live with him, which is getting harder and harder, but we'll be close enough to make sure he doesn't kill anyone.. himself included. there's a relatively nice bills-paid place on the fringes of UTA housing, a lot of our work friends live there, so we're gonna look there this weekend. there's another place a bit further from work (about halfway between there and here) that we may look at, but i dunno if dad could afford to live there. we'll see how things work out.. i'll try to keep everyone updated.

when the time comes to unpack and organize the new place, i plan to take tons of photos. getting them uploaded is another matter, as i'm sure we're all well aware of my proclivity toward procrastination. i have ideas for both floorplans i've seen, but since it'll be kyu's place too i figure waiting on his opinion is the right thing to do.. that doesn't mean i want to though. xD i am filled with bizarre secret passions; organizing and decorating.. i loff them. flipping through a bedding catalog sends me to my zen place.. as does costuming. i sometimes forget to eat when i'm experimenting with variable stitch functions. xD whoo!

otherwise things have been pretty calm around here. dad's agreed to see a doctor, i heard this news something like fourth-hand, but it's still news. xD i still can't drive, moose has been taking us to and from work every day. they fixed the leaky pipe under our apartment, it was causing a perpetual puddle that spanned half the living room. the next day our sink backed up. good times!

5 things (ganked from jenni)

song+ Defying Gravity- Wicked OCR
book+ the Olympians series
scent+ rice and something.. i dunno
quest+ gettingmy music organized again
upper+ i have new stuff to read!
downer+ it's not the weekend yet
attire+ tank top and shorts
drink+ cherry limeade sunkist

5. Places you want to visit:
1. a real beach
2. New York
3. London
4. Rome
5. Hawaii

4. Things people might not know about you:
1. i'm perpetually working out costume construction. i work on mentally deconstructing all the clothes i look at every day too see if i could do better.
2. i can identify a lot of fibers by touch alone. i was able to do this before i knew what i was doing.
3. my core beliefs are frequently opposed to what people assume i believe. specifically that i'm pro-life, totally fine with gay marriage, and ambivalent about guns.
4. i've had disturbingly realistic reoccurring dreams of the future since early childhood, and so far only a small handful (less than 5) have ever been different from how things have turned out for me.

3. Jobs you have had.
1. customer service for verizon internet
2. warehouse/mailroom slave at lone star
3. subservice drone (then asst mgr) also at lone star

2. People that you know will reply.
1. err.. jenni already did it..
2. maybe mom?

1.Your favorite food.
1. italian. specifically lasagna, but i love almost anything in red sauce.. my tummy just has trouble with the acidity in it.

mid-july randomness

song+ Little Miss Obsessive- Bittersweet World- Ashlee Simpson
book+ issues 1 and 2 of the american Gothic Lolita Bible
scent+ err.. nothing stands out
quest+ getting to the office while lola is there
upper+ so much cool stuff is coming out soon!
downer+ i have no money
attire+ tank top and pajama shorts
drink+ milk! i loff milk!

lots of things to post for now, none of earth-shattering importance though. i've been thinking of cutting and perming my hair. like going from the first style here to the second. not with the slight colour change, this was just the best representation i could find. i did a new animated icon based on the second style, which has been up for a week or two, and a new portrait with my current hair that i just finished today. i had a hard time figuring out the texture for the jacquard on a traditional cheongsam.

the trailer up above is new. i'm super excited because i love the final fantasy series, but i figured i'd never really get to play ff13, because it was supposed to be ps3 exclusive, and i sure can't afford a ps3. well, monday at the SquareEnix panel at e3 (the Electronic Entertainment Expo) it was announced that while it's still ps3 exclusive in japan, the us and europe will get a simultaneous ps3/xbox360 release of it! yay! kyu already has an xbox, so that's great news to me! xD i put the newest trailer there at the top so everyone can see how danged pretty it's gonna be. still no release date, but people are speculating next year for japan, and possibly 2010 worldwide.

let's see.. monday was roro's birthday. happy birthday roro!

i was at the mall a while back getting my opal ring cut off and re-sized, and i was told about a major sale at samuel's. i went in and looked for fun, and over the past month and a half, i paid off the ring i got an awesome deal on. i got like 65% off, and it's gorgeous and i love it! i'll try to take pics soon. the sparklies are distracting though.

batman comes out this weekend, and i can't wait! xD this summer has been awesome for comic book movies. between Iron Man, Incredible Hulk, Wanted, Hellboy 2, and Batman: Dark Knight anyone can find one they'll like!

i think that's all for now, but i'm thinking of doing an end of the week "here are the comics i read this week" feature soon. we'll see if i ever get around to it. xD

so i like, totally skipped june..

song+ the theme to Zelda: Ocarina of Time
book+ Zelda: Twilight Princess guide
scent+ nothing really. summer?
quest+ not losing my mind
upper+ kyu and i think we know where we want to live
downer+ we don't know what to do with dad
attire+ tank top and pajama shorts
drink+ dr pepper

it's not that nothing has happened lately, so i haven't had anything to talk about.. it's more that everything is driving me crazy and i didn't want to make everyone else crazy too. i've done a lot of avoidance, and rationalizing, anything else that came to mind to try to get me past this stuff, but i'm at the point where i can't do that anymore, so here it all is.

i'm trying to do this logically, but forgive me if i wander a bit.

i suppose i'll start with myself. i've always been a bit neurotic, and kinda tightly wound, but i've prided myself on it not being obvious to anyone else. i feel like i've been falling apart, in every way. i have trouble thinking, speaking, doing anything. have you ever felt like the only thing keeping you together at all was the fear you were losing your mind? i feel like i've broken, but i was a little afraid that if i told anyone, i'd lose that last little bit of me thats trying to hold everything in one place. in the past when i've felt myself slipping, i've managed to pull myself together and live again before anyone could ask "hey, are you okay?" i've pretended to be fine on numerous occasions because i can't help thinking that admitting i'm less than fine and that maybe i need help is like saying "okay, i fail, go ahead and laugh at me now!" i'm more than aware of my flaws and weaknesses, i just don't want anyone else to be. i can't help feeling that lately it's more obvious to the normally oblivious that i'm not fine. i don't want to be weak or transparent, i like being mysterious.. though some would be inclined to call me distant. i'm one of the most open, loudmouthed, secretive, quiet people in existence, and i like being a bundle of contradictory confusion. i just don't like feeling like i don't know who that person is.

the next thing is my job. i love my job. i like what i do, i like (most of) the people i work with, i get a big kick out of being able to read my comics the day before they hit stores.the only downside to this job that i love doing, is that i don't make a whole lot of money. kyu makes the same amount i do: not much. (him not loving his job is irrelevant to this point) this is just to say "we don't make all that much."

that leads into the next several things: DAD. he is:

1) old, we all know this. so old he gets social security; in theory to pay for his living expenses.
2) diabetic, and not medicating. this has led to several physical side effects.
3) unemployed, and still chasing innumerable get-rich-quick schemes.. this ties into #1.
4) stubborn as a goat.

individually i could probably deal with these things, but together, they are combining in ways that may have lead to the psychotic break i may or may not be experiencing.

when dad lost his last job, i thought "it's okay, we can take on the extra burden for a few months, just until he finds something new." the thing is, he hasn't found anything. i don't think he's looked for anything, and even if he did, he's so gone, i can't see anyone taking him seriously! at least half my income, and half of kyu's too, is going to dad so he can pay the bills, and in spite of this, he's fallen behind a few times because he puts his INFURIATING schemes first in his prioritizing. we've had to say to him "pay the bills, then look at your whatever-plans!" i get that some of this is his optimism, but more and more, it's that his mind is deteriorating because he won't take care of himself. he can't walk in a straight line, he's lost almost all function and sensation in his hands and feet. he's been going blind for a long time, but won't do anything, because he's possibly too far gone and doesn't want his rights taken from him, i think. naturally, he won't talk about it, he just pretends everything is fine. he doesn't listen to anyone, ever. he forgets to eat, and when he does eat, it's those taboo foods for diabetics. i THINK we got him to stop drinking, but i'm really not sure, and neither is kyu. he forgets to feed the pets, never thinks that the reason the dog is leaving messes on the carpet is because he won't walk her when he's the only one home during the day.

there's another thing that really bothers kyu, but that won't be discussed here.. if at all.

my own psychotic break notwithstanding, we are at the point where we can't live like this anymore. we've found a few options that we can afford, that we can take the dog with us to. the downside is our top choice doesn't have washer/ dryer hookups. i've gotten kinda spoiled in that regard. our lease is up at the end of this month. we may talk to lola and see if we can negotiate another month or two (not 6 to 12) to get everything taken care of. our big problem is we have no idea what to do with dad. we've essentially got 3 options:

1) get him an efficiency he can swing on his social security
2) put him in an assisted living home
3) (sarcasm)euthanasia.(/sarcasm)

unfortunately, even if he didn't gamble away his money on whatever, i seriously believe he's lacking the capacity to live on his own, which means option one is moot. with option two, i dunno what it would cost, and i'd feel really bad for whomever got stuck with him. this obviously needs to be looked into more closely. option three's out because.. well killing people is illegal. xD it's okay though, i was mostly joking on that one. i threw in the fake tags because kyu thought it wasn't obvious enough i don't really mean it..

this is what i really needed to have that meeting about. the one where i didn't expect anyone else to volunteer to take anything on, i just need advice and ideas. is there another option i've missed somehow? even after we figure out just what we're doing and how it'll all get paid for, there's the issue of "how do we tell him he can't drive anymore? like ever.." because yes, to me the safety and security of the potential legion of people he's possibly endangering on the road every day is secondary to how much the rest of this is driving me batty.