more about my broken brain

song+ Up In the Air -30 Seconds to Mars -Love Lust Hope and Dreams
book+ fanfic
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ found my next challenge
downer+ words are hard
attire+ black tank, tights & boots, khaki shorts, red ribbon in hair
drink+ strawberry kiwi juice

i found this test and took it and it really explains a lot i guess. still in a "figuring out my broken brain" kinda mindset, obviously. i italicized the names of the ones it says i have most obviously factoring into my behavior.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||| 42% Schizoid |||||||||| 38% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 70% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62% Histrionic |||||| 30% Narcissistic |||||||||| 34% Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 70% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening; preoccupied with suspiciousness/paranoia. They are stuck between their need for others and their mistrust of others.
Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings; emotional zombies who stopped feeling due to trauma(s) and/or can't feel due to organic depression

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior; preoccupied with seeing themselves and/or the world as strange/odd

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others; Preoccupied with disdain/contempt for others and often a need for control/power over others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness. Core issue is an inability to regulate emotions.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered. Core issue is attention addiction.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships. Core issue is entitlement.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism. Core issue is an inability to resolve their codependent need for connection with their codependent fear of rejection and/or discomfort/anxiety around others.

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior. Core issue is the need to be parented by others (i.e. avoid growing up / becoming self-sufficient).

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. Core issue is mental and behavioral rigidity/inflexibility.

blerg. for real.

song+ Jai Ho -PCD
book+ fanfic
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ found my next challenge
downer+ words are hard
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

i'm still having trouble with words. and i also fell behind a bit on my progress for the next challenge. i had the answers all figured out in notepad and i'd started sketching, then the dog unplugged my tower with her butt (seriously) and i lost it. sometimes something that's not a big deal at all FEELS like the end of the world to me for no real reason, so i stopped. i'll get back to it, but not yet i guess.

i've spent most of the last week reading character deconstruction essays and fixfic for the mid-season finale of a show i don't even watch. it's been entertaining, but not really something i can share. i've also had thoughts about writing for myself, but again, words are hard, so i don't think it's work out too well presently. *shrug*

it's been entertaining, but it's hard to articulate how i can really relate to the characters, and admire their actors, while holding no real desire to actually watch the show and subject myself to the admittedly terrible special effects. when i'm reading the effects are only limited by my mind, so it's really a better for for me. i've tried to explain to people before that i've always processed visual cues better than auditory. like i have really good hearing, but things make more sense when i SEE them. i like subtitles on my visual medium, i look up lyrics to songs i think i like before i really make up my mind, i'd rather wiki the plot then fall into fandom than watch some shows.

new challenge accepted

song+ Kind Of A Girl -Tinted Windows
book+ nothing
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ found my next challenge
downer+ words are hard
attire+ pajamas
drink+ strawberry kiwi juice

i've found two challenges i'm interested in, both Pokemon, but also pretty interesting. one of them is more long-term, the other is a 30 day challenge. i'm thinking probably September for it since it's one that really wouldn't gain anything from an overview. Kyu's thinking of doing them too. wonder which of us will get done first. xD

the longer term challenge is to draw EVERY pokemon. each in an individual picture, and keep a copy of each for archiving purposes. that doesn't sound so bad until you stop and think there are 600+ now. i told Kyu i'm starting with the 493 i know, since i've only played the first four gens, then i realized how insane it is that ONLY 493 is easy mode. xD i'm also still deciding on an artistic format for my draw-them-all challenge. i was thinking of watercolor portraits kept in a photo album of sorts. probably larger than 3x5, but smaller than 9x11. it's something i'm still thinking about though obviously. the 30 day challenge will be done first, and i already decided on ink and marker for it. i'm thinking i may try to start on that soon so it's ready for posting come September.

i thought i had more to say this week, but it's all vague and refusing to come together in a format i can properly express, so i guess it can wait.

feelings and junk

song+ Get the Girl Back -Hanson -Anthem
book+ nothing
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ ah.. i dunno?
downer+ words are hard
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

i found this on tumbler as a series of infographics and it seemed like a perfect tool to halp me express myself a bit, so i'm gonna do that. it was intended as a tool for writers to find the right words, but really it's helpful for everyone, i think. i'm pleased the creator decided to have happy, sad and angry as separate scales, because really they can all be felt at the same time.

to start with, the anxiety scale is one a lot of people have trouble understanding when i try to explain how i feel. a good day has me hovering somewhere around nervous/restless. leaving the apartment is an automatic jump to apprehensive/uneasy at best, even for something simple and safe like visiting family. new situations and places put me around fear/fright. things where i lose all control, like flying, or long car trips, or phone conversations can shoot me straight to panicky hysteria easily. having a panic attack is bad, but even when it's done i tend to hover at mortification and not feel any better for breaking. it's more than just being really shy, it's a legitimate fear of pretty much everything in the world ever and a lot of people are incapable of really understanding that.

next up is the sadness scale. my manic depression is unmedicated, so i don't have much control here. some days i wake up insecure and lonely, others i'm just a little unhappy, but every so often my brain shoots me straight to the dark end for no real reason. grief to anguish, through the melancholic fog of depression. i'd love not to deal with it, but mostly i just work on living around it.

living with the first two doesn't keep me off the happy scale at all. even on a depressed panicky day, i can still generally find some degree of satisfaction or weel being. when good things happen i feel joy or delight, but i don't think i can honestly say i recall ever reaching higher than the midpoint on this scale, no matter how cheery or positive the circumstances. i hope to someday though. i think it's tempered by the depression, but not entirely mitigated.

love is a good one. i really like the layout of this one, but i'd switch fondness and longing around. to me fondness is a more casual feeling than longing, you can be fond of someone but not particularly miss them when you're apart. generally speaking if i care about someone at all, i fall somewhere around compassion as a baseline. there are people i long for, that have fallen out of my life, and people i feel a vague fondness for. i used to feel something like adoration for kyu, but we fell out of love. i don't love him less, but it settled to a strong affection.

lastly is anger. i've been all over this chart all my life, but i think i've done a pretty good job reigning it in for the most part. good days i'm limited to dislike or frustration. there are some things that even thinking of sends me to bitter loathing, but thankfully not many. really only two or three things can reliably make me feel fury or wrath beyond situational reaction. i try not to think aout those things, but it happens sometimes and i just want to DESTROY things and urgh. it makes me feel all Old Testament, smitey and all. Kyu yo-yos this worse than i do, but the tradeoff is that his deepression is more managable by a good bit than mine.

Sunday Sunday

song+ Stay Stay Stay -Taylor Swift -Red
book+ fanfic really *shrug*
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ i think i have all a need for a FaithAnn size Dratini?
downer+ my brain has gone all "woobly-doo! pbbbth!" with flaily kermit arms and all
attire+ pajamas
drink+ orange soda

i woke up today to a text telling me dad stayed for ward choir practice today, so if i caught a ride to church with a friend next week it'd be a good way to see him. i'm considering it. xD i don't really miss church, but now amd then i miss the community feeling.

it's been hard to form thoughts into words i can share with other people lately. i know this happens a lot, so i mention it a lot, but it's worse than normal this time. i'm even managing to offend Kyu and he usually knows what i'm TRYING to say.

i still can't figure out what i should be DOING right now, but i've had Pokemon on the brain again, so i may see about using the material i have on-hand to do plushes of some i really like in scale for FaithAnn or Rosalie (depending on available fabric, i guess). like i know i have silk scraps in various shades of blue and one creme, so i'm pretty sure i could pull off a decent Dratini, or maybe even Dragonair, possibly both. either way, a one/three foot long serpentine dragon plush is easier to manage than a five/fifteen foot long one.

i've been pondering dolly Poke-plushes for ages now though, so just because i'm thinking about it again doesn't mean it's likely to happen soon. *shrug* i may just try playing one of them again. it's been a long time since i tried at Ruby, Sapphire, or Emerald. i still hold out hope for a current-gen remake honestly, though it's not really very likely.

i've also been thinking about experimenting with the watercolor paints Kyu bought me a while back because i said i was interested in learning how to use something other than straight acrylic for everything. i have a basic understanding, but no firsthand experience or technical know-how. i spend a lot of the time i devote to creative efforts trying not to be so controlling. some of my best stuff has happened when i let loose and let things change, but letting go at all is really hard for me, because i already feel so out of control of pretty much everything else in my life. even my most abstract work has a weight of precision to it, a painting style that's partly based on just letting the water carry the color where it will is honestly pretty freaking intimidating.

so i'm totally officially a Ravenclaw

song+ Fall Out Boy (all of it ever, on shuffle)
book+ P3 art book
quest+ finding my next post challenge
upper+ Sailor Moon Another Story
downer+ no new challenge to do yet
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

i've gotten used to seeing more than one post a week, even if they're short, so while i'm still trying to figure out my next posting challenge, i think i'll maybe do more posting.

lately in an effort to enjoy creative things and inspire himself to draw more, kyu's been watching more anime. since they've mostly been things that interest me too, i've been watching with him. we got through Blue Exorcist last week, and he gave Soul Eater a try because he really likes the design stuff, but he couldn't get into the story so we stopped that and watched Persona 4 the Animation together instead. we finished it last night, and i think the next thing he has lined up is one i'd not be interested in, so his plan is to watch it on his computer. the only hiccup to this system is he's wanting to watch in english, for the background noise mostly, and i prefer to read subtitles on pretty much everything, so i tend to go for the japanese versions. i've always processed visual cues easier than auditory ones.

it's odd, i've been in a mood to play video games lately, but nothing that i've tried has felt like the right thing. i've tried all of the Pokemon games available to me, Final Fantasies 7 through 12, Dragon Quests 4-6 and 8, and Persona 4, and even Sailor Moon: Another Story. none of it is apparently what i want to be playing, which is kinda frustrating.

only other vaguely interesting thing going on is i found where someone uploaded the Pottermore sorting hat questions for people who wanna be sorted Officially, but don't wanna join a website. i came out Ravenclaw, as i generally do, but the best part is where the result page tells you how you scored for each house.

August is off to a good start, i think

song+ Fall Out Boy (all of it ever, on shuffle)
book+ various art books
quest+ ah, focus ?
upper+ Sailor Moon Another Story
downer+ no new challenge to do yet
attire+ pajamas
drink+ dr pepper

it's kinda odd now that i don't have a challenge auto posting for me daily anymore. the last few days my blog has come up with the same post leading things off and my brain takes a minute to catch up, asking why the magic waiting bit hasn't shared my pre-created words and pictures yet. xD

i have a few half-formed ideas for challenges i could do, but they're kinda large-scale undertakings across the board, so definitely not daily things. things like an outfit design for every major arcana in the tarot, or a draw every pokemon evolutionary line kinda thing. i've also been thinking about putting together a sidebar link to (as yet uncreated) challenge master posts for people that wanna go back and look at older things for any reason.

i know i don't really draw much anymore. i used to draw more, but my default style shifted to a simplified animator's barbie kinda thing around my senior year of high school, much better for ease of design, but not good for much else. i think i might wanna teach myself to draw other things again. i know i'm still capable of something like realism, but it didn't used to be so hard, so i've thought about challenges designed to flex art skills too, i just need to find one i guess.

i'm still a big nerd though, so i've also thought about doing a self imposed challenge of a kind. kyu's doing a series of drawings for fun that boils down to, what if X character was a pokemon trainer? so far he's asked my thoughts on Jack Skellington and Harley Quinn, i'm thinking of doing the Sailor Moon characters as pokemon trainers based on their elemental affinities. no idea if i'd rather draw them or sprite them, but it's something that i think would be fun either way.

in any case, i have idea for things, so now it's just a matter of getting around to following through on anything at all. xD