song+ Something's Coming- West Side Storybook+ re-reading whatever looks goodscent+ gummi bearsquest+ getting a new apartmentupper+ i have two awesome games i'm switching betweendowner+ i hate feeling offattire+ sneakers, jeans, my camo c*o*l*t*s teedrink+ waterthis is a little in response to roro's late night musings on the self, but i was gonna get around to saying something like this before too long anyhow.
for a few months now, things have been off for me. it's hard to explain precicely what i mean, but it's a lot of littler things. i'm sore all the time, my bones and muscles are all achey. my back stores up tension like a spring, and every few days i can get it to pop and release a bit, but it'll collect it again. i'll get roaring headaches out of nowhere, and my tummy acid will act up for no reason. getting four hours of sleep feels the same as getting fourteen, i'm still way too tired all the time. i'm not sick though. i can tell the difference, especially since moose is feeling a lot of this too.
something's coming, something big. it could be good or bad, i'm not sure what it is, or when it'll arrive. i do know that whatever's gonna happen will affect pretty much everyone i know, and likely several people i don't. this, whatever it is, has been building for a long time now, and when it gets here, several of us will likely say something along the lines of "oh, this is what i was waiting for.." even if not everyone knows they're waiting.
it's getting close enough to make me itchy, and i'm frustrated that i can't seem to figure it out yet. i hate feeling surprised, like i missed a clue somewhere. i want to know without a doubt so i can be entirely prepared. i like knowing i can handle whatever is coming, and i dunno that i can, and that's bad for me.
in things unlelated to what likely reads as something rather like paranoia, kyu and i are gonna try to take a tour of our (hopefully) future apartment this saturday. if things go well we'll see about what exactly it'll take to get the place. we're both pretty young with not much rental history (if any at all, really) but i'm pretty sure lola will give us a good recommendation if we need one. we're both far better with money than dad, we realize the importance of paying bills before buying fun things, and we've budgeted extensively to ensure we're not getting in over our heads. we budgeted as though one of us would be footing all the bills on our own to ensure we could make it in a worst-case one of us loses their job type scenario, and while it'd be hard, it's possible.
at this point, i just want to make sure the new place feels right for both of us. my ideal apartment is one floor (i'm not too picky about 1st floor vs 2nd), two rooms. one for sleeping, one for art stuff. i want it big enough that my stuff doesn't crowd me, but small enough that we can heat and cool the place without spending redonk wads of cash. i'd like to be a little closer to work, so we could ride our bikes on good weather days (once kyu replaces his). we're leaning towards the Woodland something-or-other, off bowen. it's really close to our bank, and a post office. there's three close grocery stores, and it's close to the rec center if we ever decide to join and get back in shape. it's also priced reasonably enough that we could probably swing cable and internet. being able to tivo/dvr/whatever things on tv would save the frustration of wanting to strangle kyu for watching his wrestling stuff. X.x
if that place turns out to be completely impossible, our back up place is where several work friends live, so we know it's affordable. it's a bills paid place on the fringes of the UTA campus. it's not quite what i'd like, as i'm apparently a little snobby, but it's perfectly livable. i could be happy there, but i see myself far happier in our first choice, even if i'd be a little poorer.
the part of this that corresponds to roro's thoughts is this:
i also sometimes feel like i'm flailing, directionless. i know i'm moving forward, but because i do know what i want, and i can see how far i am, i get depressed. i'm not an excessively social person, but i've been making an effort to get out and spend more time with people i'm not related to. i like solitude and aloney-ness, not just the quiet thinky time, but knowing if i called out no one would be able to answer. in some ways i find that comforting. it doesn't make much sense, but that's me all over. xD i'm not afraid of being alone, of living alone.. i'm afraid of almost everything else, and for me the only way to get through any day, is to push on and try to deny my fear at all. i'm afraid to learn to drive, but i'm also afraid of being so dependant on other people. i'm afraid of what dad will do if we leave him alone, but i'm more afraid of what i'll do if i have to stay with him much longer. i was afraid when i moved out from mom's place, but i was more afraid of what would happen between us if i stayed. most of my life decisions have been based on which choice scares me more, and when i look at where i am vs where i know i'm capable of being, i feel like i'm faltering. like i'll maybe never get there. the worst part, i think is that while i know what i want, i have no way of knowing if it's the right thing to want. what if i chose the wrong thing and i won't know until it's too late to head in another direction?
ha, go figure, late-night isn't the only time to think deep, depressing thoughts. xD *loffles to roro for being so freakin awesometastic all the time*
