song+ Hollywood- Michael Buble- Crazy Love
book+ Percy Jackson- Sea of Monsters
quest+ costuming for my dolls
upper+ Halloween is coming (possibly my favorite holiday)
downer+ time crunch for costumes
attire+ pajamas. word. (i don't get dressed unless i have to anymore)
drink+ Birthday milk (i was gifted a gallon of it, i have awesome friends)
so i meant to get this out earlier this week, but Monday i was sidetracked by everyone i've ever met sending me birthday wishes (this isn't a complaint about that either) and then dinner/breakfast with mom. yesterday i spent the morning playing Mario 64 DS and then all evening our internet was randomly down for some unknown reason, so it's Wednesday on the week of my birthday, and that puts us a little less than half a week to Halloween and i have no costume ideas for myself or the dolls, and invitations to multiple events that should involve them. xD and so it's out there and said, my birthday was great, and i love the presents i got.
for me i do have backup nerd costumes, but most of them are warm weather Con costumes, not chilly-ish October dress up things. and las year i cobbled together doll costumes from things i had lying around, but that's less fun than an actual costume. i'll probably work on doll costumes this week so i can dress one or two dolls up (depending on sizing) for the meetup this Saturday i'll be hitting with mom. so far as i know she's got something planned for the newest one of hers, but i'm thinking of going bigger for mine. i think i have an idea for Eve, but since it's pretty much entirely PITA materials, i'm gonna see how it turns out before i say much else. xD i also have to find them since i think i packed them away in my office-binge-cleaning. dang.
anyhow, i've got a lot to get done before this weekend, so i think this post is pretty much done.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
i kinda feel like this deserves its own title
song+ Sparks Fly- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ nothing
quest+ assembling my Tomb King army
upper+ i have plenty of art things for the moment
downer+ nothing i can identify (which kinda makes it worse)
attire+ pajamas. word.
drink+ water
i'm trying to fight off a crushing wave of depression, but i can feel it overpowering me. i should be sleeping now, i didn't get to bed until 3am.. i woke up at 7:30.
understand that several years ago i was diagnosed manic-depressive (and several other things too) and this basically means there's a chemical imbalance in my mind that has good moods ebbing and flowing, regardless of external factors. while it's technically the same condition, i'm not considered bi-polar like Kyu is. his mood swings are instant, here and gone in moments and generally triggered by something incidental, mine are more subtle, to the degree that i frequently don't feel myself slipping until i find myself scrambling for purchase to climb back up a mountain. so basically, there's nothing i can do to prevent becoming depressed or melancholy, but i do everything i can to kick-start the climb back to human when i do fall.
now i can feel it, which means i'm already pretty far down, and i'm trying to work my way back to normal, but none of my usual efforts are producing any results. i've tried channeling it into multiple art projects; painting, sewing, design work, sculpting. it's slowly turning out decent work, but my mood isn't improving. i can't talk it out either. the attempts i've made to do so have left me angry (at my helplessness primarily), and they generally trigger a crash in Kyu's mood with matching rage-fit.. so talking it out like this seemed the next logical step.
the thing is, while i understand that there are things wrong with me, as diagnosed by a doctor, i try to use that knowledge to live as close to normal as i can. i loathe those people who use clinical diagnosis as a crutch to do less and be less. sometimes i wonder how close i'm getting to that knowing-and-compensating vs knowing-and-excusing line. the easiest example is ADD or ADHD. i'm ADHD, and i know plenty of others who are and manage to live reasonably productive lives on and off medication. i know it makes parenting harder, but that doesn't mean you just let your kid do whatever and write it off as a byproduct, enforcing discipline is part of parenting. trouble paying attention never drove me to wrecking a whole classroom's learning experience, i just doodled and retreated into my mind. conversely, there are some parents that drug their ADD kids to a near comatose level so they don't have to deal, and that's not the solution either.
i think my biggest issue, worse than the roller coaster moods, is my Social Anxiety Disorder. basically, i'm cripplingly shy, it affects every day of my life. the thought of talking to a stranger, or even someone i know but not closely, has paralyzed me before. even with family, i retreat more often than i offer companionship. it's easier to contact Roro or moose than anyone else, but even then, i sometimes have to push myself. Jenni's been married for nearly a decade now and it wasn't until this year i actually managed to initiate conversation with EITHER of her daughters, and carry it on for more than a few sentences. i clutch when i have to call someone, even Kyu. i can answer a phone, and carry on a (reasonably) intelligent conversation, but there's a 90% chance i'll have a mini-meltdown after hanging up. phones terrify me, most of my coping mechanisms regarding human relationships were developed for face to face contact, and on the phone that's all useless and i worry that someone will see through the falsehoods to my weaknesses. even understanding that my fears are irrational, i can't really seem to overcome them. i manage posts like this every so often, because even though i'm generally aware of who will read it, the internet carries a safety blanket in an illusion of anonymity. plus i have time to go over and rework what i say so i don't inadvertently share more than i'm prepared to.
i'm a proponent of honesty in relationships. i think if you tell the truth, there's a chance of momentary hurt feelings, but overall the lack of wondering about deception keeps things healthier. this includes, in my mind at least, not making promises if you're unsure of a capacity to keep them. "i'll never hurt you" is the easiest lie to tell. most of the time you don't intend to hurt someone, but you can never control how someone else will react to you. with all this said, i don't think keeping a secret is the same as lying, and with my difficulty opening up to people, i have a lot of secrets. they're not even all important, sometimes just things that i don't think need mentioning since doing so would involve psyching myself up to call someone. i've been with Kyu in our dating relationship slightly longer than Jenni's been married, and we were friends before that. even after knowing me pretty closely for a decade, there are things i haven't told him. he knows important things, and trivial things, and if i'm gonna share something it's easiest with him, because i feel like we fit, but there are things he doesn't know. some of the things that shaped me into who i am are things i don't talk about to anyone. some are relatively common knowledge (even if i didn't want anyone to know initially) like the thing that pretty much defined my jr high years and screwed all my relationships up for a few years.
oddly, i've discovered that my reluctance to share my own secrets has made me a lightning rod of a secret keeper for other people. i was the first person Naku came out to, followed years later by the family and Significant Other. i knew about Rory's gender dysphoria and transition probably before anyone else, even before Rory knew there was a term for the feeling of dis-belonging, or not-fitting right in his own body. i was one of the only people initially told when Moose was assaulted, because i knew what it felt like to want to shroud yourself in the pain to heal alone, especially when too much time had passed to do anything legally. and several more from various people that have yet to be shared with anyone else. i know what it's like to confess a closely guarded secret and be judged as a lesser person because of it, it's like being told that you're flawed and imperfect and unworthy of love. worse is to talk about being a victim and be blamed for instigating the situation. because i know those feelings intimately, i'm a pretty safe confessor. i sometimes find myself saddened that listening to other people's secrets is about as intimate as my relationships get, and my role is almost entirely passive. no more interaction than a journal, but with less risk of someone sneaking in to read it.
book+ nothing
quest+ assembling my Tomb King army
upper+ i have plenty of art things for the moment
downer+ nothing i can identify (which kinda makes it worse)
attire+ pajamas. word.
drink+ water
i'm trying to fight off a crushing wave of depression, but i can feel it overpowering me. i should be sleeping now, i didn't get to bed until 3am.. i woke up at 7:30.
understand that several years ago i was diagnosed manic-depressive (and several other things too) and this basically means there's a chemical imbalance in my mind that has good moods ebbing and flowing, regardless of external factors. while it's technically the same condition, i'm not considered bi-polar like Kyu is. his mood swings are instant, here and gone in moments and generally triggered by something incidental, mine are more subtle, to the degree that i frequently don't feel myself slipping until i find myself scrambling for purchase to climb back up a mountain. so basically, there's nothing i can do to prevent becoming depressed or melancholy, but i do everything i can to kick-start the climb back to human when i do fall.
now i can feel it, which means i'm already pretty far down, and i'm trying to work my way back to normal, but none of my usual efforts are producing any results. i've tried channeling it into multiple art projects; painting, sewing, design work, sculpting. it's slowly turning out decent work, but my mood isn't improving. i can't talk it out either. the attempts i've made to do so have left me angry (at my helplessness primarily), and they generally trigger a crash in Kyu's mood with matching rage-fit.. so talking it out like this seemed the next logical step.
the thing is, while i understand that there are things wrong with me, as diagnosed by a doctor, i try to use that knowledge to live as close to normal as i can. i loathe those people who use clinical diagnosis as a crutch to do less and be less. sometimes i wonder how close i'm getting to that knowing-and-compensating vs knowing-and-excusing line. the easiest example is ADD or ADHD. i'm ADHD, and i know plenty of others who are and manage to live reasonably productive lives on and off medication. i know it makes parenting harder, but that doesn't mean you just let your kid do whatever and write it off as a byproduct, enforcing discipline is part of parenting. trouble paying attention never drove me to wrecking a whole classroom's learning experience, i just doodled and retreated into my mind. conversely, there are some parents that drug their ADD kids to a near comatose level so they don't have to deal, and that's not the solution either.
i think my biggest issue, worse than the roller coaster moods, is my Social Anxiety Disorder. basically, i'm cripplingly shy, it affects every day of my life. the thought of talking to a stranger, or even someone i know but not closely, has paralyzed me before. even with family, i retreat more often than i offer companionship. it's easier to contact Roro or moose than anyone else, but even then, i sometimes have to push myself. Jenni's been married for nearly a decade now and it wasn't until this year i actually managed to initiate conversation with EITHER of her daughters, and carry it on for more than a few sentences. i clutch when i have to call someone, even Kyu. i can answer a phone, and carry on a (reasonably) intelligent conversation, but there's a 90% chance i'll have a mini-meltdown after hanging up. phones terrify me, most of my coping mechanisms regarding human relationships were developed for face to face contact, and on the phone that's all useless and i worry that someone will see through the falsehoods to my weaknesses. even understanding that my fears are irrational, i can't really seem to overcome them. i manage posts like this every so often, because even though i'm generally aware of who will read it, the internet carries a safety blanket in an illusion of anonymity. plus i have time to go over and rework what i say so i don't inadvertently share more than i'm prepared to.
i'm a proponent of honesty in relationships. i think if you tell the truth, there's a chance of momentary hurt feelings, but overall the lack of wondering about deception keeps things healthier. this includes, in my mind at least, not making promises if you're unsure of a capacity to keep them. "i'll never hurt you" is the easiest lie to tell. most of the time you don't intend to hurt someone, but you can never control how someone else will react to you. with all this said, i don't think keeping a secret is the same as lying, and with my difficulty opening up to people, i have a lot of secrets. they're not even all important, sometimes just things that i don't think need mentioning since doing so would involve psyching myself up to call someone. i've been with Kyu in our dating relationship slightly longer than Jenni's been married, and we were friends before that. even after knowing me pretty closely for a decade, there are things i haven't told him. he knows important things, and trivial things, and if i'm gonna share something it's easiest with him, because i feel like we fit, but there are things he doesn't know. some of the things that shaped me into who i am are things i don't talk about to anyone. some are relatively common knowledge (even if i didn't want anyone to know initially) like the thing that pretty much defined my jr high years and screwed all my relationships up for a few years.
oddly, i've discovered that my reluctance to share my own secrets has made me a lightning rod of a secret keeper for other people. i was the first person Naku came out to, followed years later by the family and Significant Other. i knew about Rory's gender dysphoria and transition probably before anyone else, even before Rory knew there was a term for the feeling of dis-belonging, or not-fitting right in his own body. i was one of the only people initially told when Moose was assaulted, because i knew what it felt like to want to shroud yourself in the pain to heal alone, especially when too much time had passed to do anything legally. and several more from various people that have yet to be shared with anyone else. i know what it's like to confess a closely guarded secret and be judged as a lesser person because of it, it's like being told that you're flawed and imperfect and unworthy of love. worse is to talk about being a victim and be blamed for instigating the situation. because i know those feelings intimately, i'm a pretty safe confessor. i sometimes find myself saddened that listening to other people's secrets is about as intimate as my relationships get, and my role is almost entirely passive. no more interaction than a journal, but with less risk of someone sneaking in to read it.
Monday, October 17, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 87
song+ Great DJ- the Ting Tings- We Started Nothing
book+ Heroes of Olympus (book2) the Son of Neptune
quest+ DQ9 perfect game file
upper+ Footloose was really good!
downer+ the concert didn't happen *sigh*
attire+ pajamas
drink+ AriZona Strawberry Kiwi juice
the last week didn't turn out quite how i expected it to. as you're likely all aware, i was REALLY excited about the Hanson concert. Rose had asked off work early so she could go with me, and i'd invited Ashley and Kayla along. Kayla told me that if there was a Ranger game she'd have to work Saturday, so that didn't happen, and on friday Ashley decided that since she didn't really know any of the songs by them, she'd rather spend time with me otherwise, so we agreed to meet for lunch before i was set to leave with Rose. lunch went well, i had an awesome time, but after i got home while i was looking up directions to the fairgrounds, i saw a notice stating that the concert was canceled due to illness within the band. pretty sad, but it happens, so i called Rose and we rearranged our day of awesome by heading out to the nearly-dead mall with its super-cheap theater and seeing Footloose. after that we browsed the Dillards clearance center (i think the only open store in that mall) then headed to Sonic for food. at Sonic we got a message from Jenni that she wanted to see Footloose too, so we said find another showing, it was good enough to watch again! xD so we saw it again at the expensive theater in the good mall. xD it was really good. in some ways better than the original, i think. not by miles or anything, but it cut out the drama!bits and shifted around a few details to make things flow better. the biggest change (Ren's mother being dead in this version) actually serves to make the most "okay what?" moments from the original actually make sense in this one. i very much enjoyed it.
my Sunday was spent working on a modification to a toy i got in a blind-packed box while trying for another. tokidoki does these cute designer toys where there's a few designs and you don't know which one you'll get when you open it, but that mystery makes you wanna keep trying. i ended up with this rasta-unicorn(pegasus) while trying for the cute rainbow one from my Thor tee-shirt (see below), which i did end up with eventually. since i have no interest in a rasta-corn, i spent Sunday alternating between modding it onto something cuter, and looking at houses i can't possibly afford to live in online. xD the good news is i found Kyu's dream home, the bad news is it's like 2 million bucks. i'll be sure to get right on that whole becoming a multi-millionaire thing.
for the conversion, i cut off all the dreadlocks and fluffed up the tail and gave her short curly hair, that started to resemble snakes halfway through, so i went with it and made myself an equine gorgon. i think i'm gonna call her Maddie. xD she's still in the 24hour curing stage of working with grey stuff, but i should have her re-painted and ready for finished pictures later this week. xD i plan to do her flesh in a rusty bronze, with green hair and either onyx or pearl hooves and horn. the in-progress pictures are blurry, but i'll do better when she's done. xD i dunno if you can tell, but over one ear i actually gave her a little snakey companion.. i think it's cute.
book+ Heroes of Olympus (book2) the Son of Neptune
quest+ DQ9 perfect game file
upper+ Footloose was really good!
downer+ the concert didn't happen *sigh*
attire+ pajamas
drink+ AriZona Strawberry Kiwi juice
the last week didn't turn out quite how i expected it to. as you're likely all aware, i was REALLY excited about the Hanson concert. Rose had asked off work early so she could go with me, and i'd invited Ashley and Kayla along. Kayla told me that if there was a Ranger game she'd have to work Saturday, so that didn't happen, and on friday Ashley decided that since she didn't really know any of the songs by them, she'd rather spend time with me otherwise, so we agreed to meet for lunch before i was set to leave with Rose. lunch went well, i had an awesome time, but after i got home while i was looking up directions to the fairgrounds, i saw a notice stating that the concert was canceled due to illness within the band. pretty sad, but it happens, so i called Rose and we rearranged our day of awesome by heading out to the nearly-dead mall with its super-cheap theater and seeing Footloose. after that we browsed the Dillards clearance center (i think the only open store in that mall) then headed to Sonic for food. at Sonic we got a message from Jenni that she wanted to see Footloose too, so we said find another showing, it was good enough to watch again! xD so we saw it again at the expensive theater in the good mall. xD it was really good. in some ways better than the original, i think. not by miles or anything, but it cut out the drama!bits and shifted around a few details to make things flow better. the biggest change (Ren's mother being dead in this version) actually serves to make the most "okay what?" moments from the original actually make sense in this one. i very much enjoyed it.
my Sunday was spent working on a modification to a toy i got in a blind-packed box while trying for another. tokidoki does these cute designer toys where there's a few designs and you don't know which one you'll get when you open it, but that mystery makes you wanna keep trying. i ended up with this rasta-unicorn(pegasus) while trying for the cute rainbow one from my Thor tee-shirt (see below), which i did end up with eventually. since i have no interest in a rasta-corn, i spent Sunday alternating between modding it onto something cuter, and looking at houses i can't possibly afford to live in online. xD the good news is i found Kyu's dream home, the bad news is it's like 2 million bucks. i'll be sure to get right on that whole becoming a multi-millionaire thing.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 86
song+ Penny & Me- Hanson- Underneath
book+ DQ9 strategy guide
quest+ DQ9 perfect game file
upper+ the concert is in a few days! yay! xD
downer+ a few iffy spots on my arm will need touch-up work
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk
time kinda got away from me again this week. no good excuse, i was just really involved in my playing of DQ9. i'm working on a perfect game file.. it's taking a while. xD this means fighting every enemy at least once, finishing every quest offered, and collecting one of every item. it's much harder than you'd think. i've been working on it for a week and some and i'm at maybe 80% completion.
i'm looking forward to the Hanson concert this weekend, it'll be me, Moose, Ashley, and maybe Kayla (if she doesn't have to work) and it's gonna be awesome. i'm SO excited about it that i've been trying to get everyone to listen to my favorite tracks to get them to understand why i'm so excited. xD it hasn't worked so far, but that's hardly deterring me. for the record the 10 tracks (& their origin albums) i suggest trying out to form an opinion post-MmmBop are the following:
Penny & Me (Underneath)
Give A Little (Shout It Out)
Strong Enough to Break (Underneath)
Musical Ride (Shout It Out)
Blue Sky (the Walk)
Thinkin' Bout Something (Shout It Out)
Lost Without Each Other (Underneath)
Running Man (the Walk)
Carry You There (Shout It Out)
Tearing It Down (the Walk)
seriously, try these tracks out (like on YouTube or whatever if you're not ready to commit to buying them) and then make up your mind about the band. a lot changes over 15 years of songwriting. xD the last three albums have been absolutely phenomenal, and i'm just really really happy to be going to see them in a few days. my favorite album changes based on my mood, but by far my favorite track overall remains Penny & Me, which is why it's at the top of the recommendation list.
my music tattoo is healing pretty well. there's a few spots that'll need to be touched up, but i'm overall very happy with it. anyhow, for those who somehow missed it one Facebook, i have a picture of it shortly after it was completed, and when the healing is done i'll take another one of it. it's blurry because the camera it was taken with was accidentally sat on and with the screen blackened Kyu couldn't see to focus it properly. xD any pictures i took now (with my camera) would be clear, but would have scabbing and that doesn't make it look very awesome. as a bonus though, i do have a picture of the design drawing i did that became the stencil for it. i suppose this is also proof for people that think it's a script used for the letters and not my handwriting. the bars got left out of the tattoo for fear of blurring and just looking generally icky, but on the sketch you can actually tell where the notes are and hum Zelda's Lullaby to yourself, if you're so inclined. xD these are sized more or less to scale too.
book+ DQ9 strategy guide
quest+ DQ9 perfect game file
upper+ the concert is in a few days! yay! xD
downer+ a few iffy spots on my arm will need touch-up work
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk
time kinda got away from me again this week. no good excuse, i was just really involved in my playing of DQ9. i'm working on a perfect game file.. it's taking a while. xD this means fighting every enemy at least once, finishing every quest offered, and collecting one of every item. it's much harder than you'd think. i've been working on it for a week and some and i'm at maybe 80% completion.
i'm looking forward to the Hanson concert this weekend, it'll be me, Moose, Ashley, and maybe Kayla (if she doesn't have to work) and it's gonna be awesome. i'm SO excited about it that i've been trying to get everyone to listen to my favorite tracks to get them to understand why i'm so excited. xD it hasn't worked so far, but that's hardly deterring me. for the record the 10 tracks (& their origin albums) i suggest trying out to form an opinion post-MmmBop are the following:
Penny & Me (Underneath)
Give A Little (Shout It Out)
Strong Enough to Break (Underneath)
Musical Ride (Shout It Out)
Blue Sky (the Walk)
Thinkin' Bout Something (Shout It Out)
Lost Without Each Other (Underneath)
Running Man (the Walk)
Carry You There (Shout It Out)
Tearing It Down (the Walk)
seriously, try these tracks out (like on YouTube or whatever if you're not ready to commit to buying them) and then make up your mind about the band. a lot changes over 15 years of songwriting. xD the last three albums have been absolutely phenomenal, and i'm just really really happy to be going to see them in a few days. my favorite album changes based on my mood, but by far my favorite track overall remains Penny & Me, which is why it's at the top of the recommendation list.
my music tattoo is healing pretty well. there's a few spots that'll need to be touched up, but i'm overall very happy with it. anyhow, for those who somehow missed it one Facebook, i have a picture of it shortly after it was completed, and when the healing is done i'll take another one of it. it's blurry because the camera it was taken with was accidentally sat on and with the screen blackened Kyu couldn't see to focus it properly. xD any pictures i took now (with my camera) would be clear, but would have scabbing and that doesn't make it look very awesome. as a bonus though, i do have a picture of the design drawing i did that became the stencil for it. i suppose this is also proof for people that think it's a script used for the letters and not my handwriting. the bars got left out of the tattoo for fear of blurring and just looking generally icky, but on the sketch you can actually tell where the notes are and hum Zelda's Lullaby to yourself, if you're so inclined. xD these are sized more or less to scale too.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 85
song+ Blue Sky- Hanson- the Walk
book+ DQ9 strategy guide
quest+ cleaning, arcana project, being emotionally supportive to Kyu
upper+ i'm having fun with DQ9
downer+ feeling strange lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water
so this is late, but yesterday i was distracted by video games, and really i don't have much to talk about. this weekend Kyu went back to the tattoo shop. it was a slow one, but that's okay. tonight i should be heading up to the shop (after Kyu gets home from job1) to have Vance do my music tattoo. there's a slight chance of things happening differently, but i'm optimistic about it getting done tonight.
i've been really cold lately, like when it's a normally-comfortable temperature in the apartment. my hands and feet have been freezing pretty much perpetually for a few weeks now, so since Vance keeps the shop REALLY cold, i think i'll take up my hoodie so i don't freeze tonight. Saturday i didn't really think it through and i wore a tank, i was shivering off and on, heading outside to warm up at 1am (not by myself, don't worry). last night i even tried to sleep with socks on to see if it'd help keep my feet warm, the answer is no. they fell off and my feet remained cold. xD the only upside is surprising/torturing people by putting my frozen fingers on their necks and hearing them shriek indignantly as i ask "do my hands feel cold to you?" it never gets old.
progress on the arcana design project is still stalled. i did one last week, but ended up dissatisfied with it, so i pretty much have to do it again from scratch. the others i'm still fine with when i look them over, but this most recent one is really just terrible in comparison, and doesn't really suit the thematic concept either, so it'll be redone. ..just not today. xD
book+ DQ9 strategy guide
quest+ cleaning, arcana project, being emotionally supportive to Kyu
upper+ i'm having fun with DQ9
downer+ feeling strange lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water
so this is late, but yesterday i was distracted by video games, and really i don't have much to talk about. this weekend Kyu went back to the tattoo shop. it was a slow one, but that's okay. tonight i should be heading up to the shop (after Kyu gets home from job1) to have Vance do my music tattoo. there's a slight chance of things happening differently, but i'm optimistic about it getting done tonight.
i've been really cold lately, like when it's a normally-comfortable temperature in the apartment. my hands and feet have been freezing pretty much perpetually for a few weeks now, so since Vance keeps the shop REALLY cold, i think i'll take up my hoodie so i don't freeze tonight. Saturday i didn't really think it through and i wore a tank, i was shivering off and on, heading outside to warm up at 1am (not by myself, don't worry). last night i even tried to sleep with socks on to see if it'd help keep my feet warm, the answer is no. they fell off and my feet remained cold. xD the only upside is surprising/torturing people by putting my frozen fingers on their necks and hearing them shriek indignantly as i ask "do my hands feel cold to you?" it never gets old.
progress on the arcana design project is still stalled. i did one last week, but ended up dissatisfied with it, so i pretty much have to do it again from scratch. the others i'm still fine with when i look them over, but this most recent one is really just terrible in comparison, and doesn't really suit the thematic concept either, so it'll be redone. ..just not today. xD
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