it's been a while, huh.

song+ When You're Gone- Avril Lavigne -The Best Damn Thing
book+ October previews!
scent+ can't smell anything due to allergies
quest+ getting more stuff finally unpacked
upper+ the pieces for WW costumes are coming together
downer+ a downswing again
attire+ denim shorts and a justice league tee
drink+ sprite.. surprise!

so it's been a while and i'm sorry for that. i wanted to wait till i could post the costume designs, but that could take a while longer. on the bright side when i get around to it, i'll have loads of other things to show off too. i should have enough money saved up to buy my own computer by the end of october though, so that's a plus. then i'll be able to spice this blog up and do all the arty things i've missed since the old PC pretty much keeled over and died.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. the kind that doesn't always do you any good. i've been wondering the merits of giving up on something i really want vs the pain of holding out for what may never really have ever been mine. i try so hard to give everyone what they need. if you need space, i'm gone. need a shoulder? i'm there. i'm not saying i'm a saint by any means, i don't do much more than i've ever asked of others. i know i can be horrendously selfish, narcissistic and self centered. i'm trying to be better though. it's just that sometimes i feel like i haven't made any progress. like no one's even noticed the effort. i never know if my epiphanies are clarity or a fit of depression, which kinda sucks.

i want so much to just be happy. i have a few other dreams, but they really all start with happiness, which lately seems to be so far out of my grasp. when i hit my lowest points i make myself stop to think about the most recent times i felt really no-strings-attached happy. i couldn't remember one today, which can't be right, because i know i've been happy lately, i just can't think of when. i know my kyu is a wonderful person and he makes me happy, but that's a string attached, happiness shouldn't ever be entirely dependant on another person. i wonder if that's a weakness in myself, thinking i always need to be able to stand on my own. i don't ever refuse help, and i even ask for it when i need it, but i still feel i shouldn't need it.

i love kyu very much. more than i can articulate, and i often feel i'm not fair to him because i'm incapable of returning all the love he gives me. there's the one little part of me that won't let go of something that was maybe never even really mine. i'm very fortunate he understands my shortcomings and loves me in spite of them. i know i'm loved, by a good many people, but sometimes the selfish part of me is louder and all i can think is that i spend so much time giving encouragement. saying the things that need to be said, the good and the bad, to kyu, to the moose, to my poppa, to anyone and everyone.. i'm that voice that says "hey, you need to do this, even if you don't want to." i'm also the voice that says "you know you can do this, you're just afraid to try. it's okay. i'm here for you." and lately i feel that no one ever thinks to be that voice for me.

i need that voice, because i'm afraid and i'm weak. i just lie and pretend i'm someone better. all i really need is for someone to see through it and say "it's okay to cry, i'm here for you and i love you" and hold me until i feel better. maybe i'm a better acress than i give myself credit for though, because in all my (almost) 22 years, not one single solitary person has seen through the mask to comfort me. everyone should know comfort doesn't mean a damned thing if you have to ask for it. i only ever seem to get that hug, that shoulder to lean on when i say out loud, or in a blog post "hey, i'm feeling weak, could i lean on you for a bit?" i have pride! it kills me to have to ask for the love i so desperately want showered upon me. and even when i ask, i don't get what i need, i get a pale shadow of it, a pathetic imitation. not that the people giving it are pathetic by any means, it's just disappointing to feel like an afterthought because it never occurs to anyone that i have needs too.

this isn't me trying to drag everyone else down, it's just what was on my mind. i think i'm on another downswing, but i'm working on climbing back up. slowly.