book+ November previews!
scent+ burnt toast (poppa's) and chocolate (mine)
quest+ maybe finishing zinda by hallowe'en
upper+ i have about 80% of that one done
downer+ still have to do everything on two whole costumes and most of a third
attire+ grey undershirt, black satin pajama pants and a hoodie pilfered from kyu
drink+ cherry vanilla dr pepper
so moose just called me, when she gets back from her choir thing, we'll go shopping for more costume pieces. i'm really hoping to have the zinda costume done by hallowe'en. i'd love to wear it to work. all i need is the hat, a blonde wig of appropriate curliness, and gloves. i have the pattern and the fabric to make the rest, and i bought the boots a few weeks ago. it'll be awesome when i'm done.
so my gaia avatar is totally reflecting my current mood. it's in black, because as much as i've tried to pull myself back up in the past month. i feel like i haven't made any real progress. i guess i've been in denial of what was really bothering me. i've taken steps to fix that though, i sent umi an e-mail. i miss her very much and it's like a part of me is missing when i don't hear from her. a while back she got accepted to a good corps de ballet in new york. i'm thrilled about that because she deserves it. when it happened though, she posted a message effectively cutting everyone out of her life so she could make her own decisions and not feel pressured. i wasn't sure if the space thing applied to me too, but i sent one last message saying i could respect it if it was. i didn't get a reply, so i figured i'd just back off and try to live my life. i'm really having trouble though.i love aimee. heart and soul, who she is is a huge part of who i am. i'm not the best pen pal, i get spacey and forget to write. i've also lost letters before, but i do try. when i have internet access, i'm good about checking messages and replying when needed. i check my e-mail every day, and my gaia. i don't always post here, but that's partly frustration over limitations on a computer that's not mine. what i'm getting at is that i feel like i'm stuck in mourning for a relationship that i'm not really ready to let go of. there's so much more i can give, so much left for me to learn from her. i could handle being here while she's there going for her dreams if i knew i still mattered at all to her.. i'm afraid i'm going to keep holding out for more, and one day i'll wake up 60 with most of my life past and i will have missed so much because i was waiting for that one last thing. kyu deserves better. it's not right for me to put off my dreams with him on the off chance i'll hear from her and she'll want something that conflicts with whatever i've finally committed to. she's not selfish like that, but fears don't have to be logical. if they were, we likely wouldn't be afraid.
kyu's off visiting grandpa this weekend, so i was laying about this morning, thinking and feeling alone and my thoughts drifted to missing her, as they often do. that's when i decided to check my messages and mom's blog. my normal morning routine. one of mom's best friends died and she posted about it. he was a good person, and i feel for her. he didn't live nearby anymore, so she never really had a chance to say goodbye. you never really do with car accidents, but she hadn't seen him recently, and i could relate. i read her post, with her honest grief and love, and i could totally understand how it would feel to lose someone who meant so much and also lose the chance to ever have that unique anything with them again. that's what made me send umi the e-mail.
she's far from me, and i haven't seen her in a long long time. i don't want to ever feel like she's totally no-return gone and i failed to fix things. i don't want to regret not taking action, i don't believe in it. i make mistakes and i learn from them, but i never indulge in "i should have"s. i've lived this long without regret, and i think i'm better off this way..
so mommy, hugs and sympathy for you. i know that you're hurting badly, but i'm here if you need me.
kyu, i love you. you're amazing and i'll keep working to make you happy.
rorek, you be happy too. hold onto what's dear to you and don't be ashamed to live with all the passion inside of you.
moose. i don't think you read this, but i love you too. *huggles*
and lastly, umi: please, i'm pleading, let me try to be strong with you. i don't want to destroy your dreams or hold you back. i'd love to cheer you on and hold you up, if you'd let me. so much of me is made of my relationship with you, please let me feel complete again.
No comments:
Post a Comment