stuff i never posted before..

song+ Behind These Hazel Eyes- Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson
book+ april previews xD
scent+ lemon yogurt
quest+ getting all the stuff i never got around to posting up
upper+i've been keeping to my diet
downer+ i've been craving junk food like crazy! X.x
attire+ pinstriped pajama pimpness xD
drink+ milk

i do things frequently where i think "you know, i should totally put this on my blog!" and i never do, so now i'm gonna add some of those things.

a while back, moose went to the birthday party of a friend. there was an alice in wonderland theme, so she came over to get advice on what to wear. naturally we wandered over to the dollmaker where we discovered there's no top hats, so we made her the march hare.. after she was gone i googled top hats and edited it onto the doll. xD the outfit she actually wore resembled the doll in no way, shape, or form, but it was still fun, so here they are. the texture of the hat totally stands out, but i still think it's cute. xD

in other stuff, a while ago, roro and i were talking about how there's nowhere nearby to take good outdoor photos of the dolls. i said that maybe i could take them over to mom's and use her houseplants as background stuff and she replied with the most absolutely brilliant thing.. then she made it into an easily postable image for me. xD if you don't get it you need to keep these things in mind: a) mom's not a cat person, b) neko means cat in japanese, and c) star trek is totally awesome, but the music for star wars is so much catchier.. the third thing is there because the star wars theme was the one i thought of xD

in regards to my frequent lamentation that i really need a vacation, i've been (infrequently) talking to umi (infrequent is better than not at all though, right?) and she might be coming to visit in early june. i'm taking off a week then, whether she comes to visit or not, but i'm not asking for a specific week until the end of this month to give her time to figure out a) if she really wants to do it, and b) which week works better for her. it kills me that we haven't seen each other in so long, but i'm trying to be a good friend and not expect or ask for more than she's capable of giving.. or willing to give, as the case may be. i get that a lot of people have walked all over her for a lot of her life, and i don't want to be one of those people, but it's hard to tell where the line between respecting her need for space and being totally abandoned is.

i get that i can be a totally selfish needy person. i get that that's not an ideal kind of person to be, but when i've been otherwise to please others i've been completely miserable. that's why i get that she's going through a similar thing. i'm just selfish enough to wish that her going through it didn't leave me so alone. i know i'm not really alone, i have all my family, and i have kyu, and my brilliant friends james and naku.. but none of that means anything next to not having my very best friend. i'm stuck standing here because i'm terrified that if i move for my dreams without her here i'll either fail, or i'll make it and the gap between us will get bigger.. so i'm not going anywhere.

i have a job i like 95% of the time, working with like, 8 people that are totally awesome and a ton that are totally not. i go every day, i earn less than i'm worth, but enough to get by. i give dad enough to cover slightly more than my share of the bills. i spend my money almost as fast as i earn it, because if i don't have it, i can't use it to get closer to what i really want to do. going for what i really want is terrifying because it means risking everything i already have, and i don't want to end up with nothing. i spend so much of my life terrified to go for what i want, and the only thing that has ever helped me past the fear has been more or less cut out of my life for close to eight years. umi was the only reason i was able to push past my fear enough to try attempting any kind of relationship with kyu beyond the friendship he managed in spite of my best efforts to protect myself.

i've never had a lot of friends, because if you don't let people in, it's harder for them to hurt you. i was doing fine with only one friend (who wasn't really close enough to hurt me after that one time) then i met her. umi seriously changed my life, after meeting her i suddenly had all these friends. while that was nice at first, every one of them eventually hurt me in some way. and most of the time, i was able to excise the toxic friends from my life and heal.. i can't cut umi out though. she has hurt me so much without ever trying and no matter how she hurts me, i can't bring myself to stop caring about her and wondering if she's okay. wondering if there's anything i can do to make her life easier. i want it to be easy for me! i want to be happy! why can't i be happy?