so i like, totally skipped june..

song+ the theme to Zelda: Ocarina of Time
book+ Zelda: Twilight Princess guide
scent+ nothing really. summer?
quest+ not losing my mind
upper+ kyu and i think we know where we want to live
downer+ we don't know what to do with dad
attire+ tank top and pajama shorts
drink+ dr pepper

it's not that nothing has happened lately, so i haven't had anything to talk about.. it's more that everything is driving me crazy and i didn't want to make everyone else crazy too. i've done a lot of avoidance, and rationalizing, anything else that came to mind to try to get me past this stuff, but i'm at the point where i can't do that anymore, so here it all is.

i'm trying to do this logically, but forgive me if i wander a bit.

i suppose i'll start with myself. i've always been a bit neurotic, and kinda tightly wound, but i've prided myself on it not being obvious to anyone else. i feel like i've been falling apart, in every way. i have trouble thinking, speaking, doing anything. have you ever felt like the only thing keeping you together at all was the fear you were losing your mind? i feel like i've broken, but i was a little afraid that if i told anyone, i'd lose that last little bit of me thats trying to hold everything in one place. in the past when i've felt myself slipping, i've managed to pull myself together and live again before anyone could ask "hey, are you okay?" i've pretended to be fine on numerous occasions because i can't help thinking that admitting i'm less than fine and that maybe i need help is like saying "okay, i fail, go ahead and laugh at me now!" i'm more than aware of my flaws and weaknesses, i just don't want anyone else to be. i can't help feeling that lately it's more obvious to the normally oblivious that i'm not fine. i don't want to be weak or transparent, i like being mysterious.. though some would be inclined to call me distant. i'm one of the most open, loudmouthed, secretive, quiet people in existence, and i like being a bundle of contradictory confusion. i just don't like feeling like i don't know who that person is.

the next thing is my job. i love my job. i like what i do, i like (most of) the people i work with, i get a big kick out of being able to read my comics the day before they hit stores.the only downside to this job that i love doing, is that i don't make a whole lot of money. kyu makes the same amount i do: not much. (him not loving his job is irrelevant to this point) this is just to say "we don't make all that much."

that leads into the next several things: DAD. he is:

1) old, we all know this. so old he gets social security; in theory to pay for his living expenses.
2) diabetic, and not medicating. this has led to several physical side effects.
3) unemployed, and still chasing innumerable get-rich-quick schemes.. this ties into #1.
4) stubborn as a goat.

individually i could probably deal with these things, but together, they are combining in ways that may have lead to the psychotic break i may or may not be experiencing.

when dad lost his last job, i thought "it's okay, we can take on the extra burden for a few months, just until he finds something new." the thing is, he hasn't found anything. i don't think he's looked for anything, and even if he did, he's so gone, i can't see anyone taking him seriously! at least half my income, and half of kyu's too, is going to dad so he can pay the bills, and in spite of this, he's fallen behind a few times because he puts his INFURIATING schemes first in his prioritizing. we've had to say to him "pay the bills, then look at your whatever-plans!" i get that some of this is his optimism, but more and more, it's that his mind is deteriorating because he won't take care of himself. he can't walk in a straight line, he's lost almost all function and sensation in his hands and feet. he's been going blind for a long time, but won't do anything, because he's possibly too far gone and doesn't want his rights taken from him, i think. naturally, he won't talk about it, he just pretends everything is fine. he doesn't listen to anyone, ever. he forgets to eat, and when he does eat, it's those taboo foods for diabetics. i THINK we got him to stop drinking, but i'm really not sure, and neither is kyu. he forgets to feed the pets, never thinks that the reason the dog is leaving messes on the carpet is because he won't walk her when he's the only one home during the day.

there's another thing that really bothers kyu, but that won't be discussed here.. if at all.

my own psychotic break notwithstanding, we are at the point where we can't live like this anymore. we've found a few options that we can afford, that we can take the dog with us to. the downside is our top choice doesn't have washer/ dryer hookups. i've gotten kinda spoiled in that regard. our lease is up at the end of this month. we may talk to lola and see if we can negotiate another month or two (not 6 to 12) to get everything taken care of. our big problem is we have no idea what to do with dad. we've essentially got 3 options:

1) get him an efficiency he can swing on his social security
2) put him in an assisted living home
3) (sarcasm)euthanasia.(/sarcasm)

unfortunately, even if he didn't gamble away his money on whatever, i seriously believe he's lacking the capacity to live on his own, which means option one is moot. with option two, i dunno what it would cost, and i'd feel really bad for whomever got stuck with him. this obviously needs to be looked into more closely. option three's out because.. well killing people is illegal. xD it's okay though, i was mostly joking on that one. i threw in the fake tags because kyu thought it wasn't obvious enough i don't really mean it..

this is what i really needed to have that meeting about. the one where i didn't expect anyone else to volunteer to take anything on, i just need advice and ideas. is there another option i've missed somehow? even after we figure out just what we're doing and how it'll all get paid for, there's the issue of "how do we tell him he can't drive anymore? like ever.." because yes, to me the safety and security of the potential legion of people he's possibly endangering on the road every day is secondary to how much the rest of this is driving me batty.