insecurity, i suppose

song+ Wicked soundtrack
book+ the Pagan Stone
scent+ peach and soap and floral lotion
quest+saving $400 in 2 1/2 weeks
upper+ i totally think i can do it!
downer+ i won't have any me-money till spring X.x
attire+ jeans, old sneakers, and a black supergirl tee
drink+ nothing currently

it's been a while, i know. still no word on the shipping of my Delphine, i just want my Annie home. it's been about 3 months now. waiting this long really sucks.

i have my Christmas shopping all done and wrapped, sitting under the tree. it's a delightfully ghetto tree, but it's out first tree on our own, so we love it. James and Naku should be coming over for Christmas at our place, other than stocking stuffers to be purchased this weekend, we're done.

the bulk of my money for the next few weeks will go to trying to qualify for the DOD Christmas event. X.x that means my semi-secret not-so-stealthy project will have to wait a bit longer.. maybe the end of January or beginning of February. it's still next on my list, but other things came up. i think mom will understand though, since it's still gonna happen.

at this point i'm trying not to think about all the things that are making me excited or nervous, but i can't manage to completely clear my mind at any point in the day. X.x no wonder i'm not sleeping well. part of me is terrified that i'll never feel like a mature, responsible adult. X.x i don't want to feel old and boring, but i'd rather not feel like i'm only pretending to be in control of myself and my life.

i've been thinking about looking for another job. i still like my job a lot of the time, and i like a lot of the people i work with, but i know it's not the best place fer me, as it's way too easy to blow all my money on things i see here. i don't feel like i'm growing anymore and i want to be somewhere else before i feel like i'm stagnating. i'm not saying i'm gonna quit tomorrow or anything, i'm not even actively looking for anything else, just keeping myself open to possibilities. my biggest frustration with my current job is that i'm not paid anything near what i'm worth. i work too hard to make so little. i may be materialistic and needy, as i'm not having any trouble surviving, but i want a buffer of emergency spendability. i don't have that now.

i want to grow up a little, so i can have more fun. i want to do better, have better, be better. i think i want to look into what it would take to do costume design and have someone with some drive help me follow through. a good bit of my procrastinatory tendancies are rooted in my fear of failure, it's harder to fail if you never finish, and therefore can't be judged.

i want my wings. i know that getting a tattoo that will cover about a third of my back isn't exactly conducive to the growing up and possibly getting a better job, but it's something i've wanted almost all my life. something i've planned for for a long time. i think i'm ready to find a parlor that feels safe and look into getting it done already. i know that it's probably not something that most people would encourage me to do, but i'm gonna. i'd like to have it done by my birthday this year in fact. i'll probably get my star first as it'll be a good deal smaller and better for breaking through the fear of being jabbed repeatedly by a stranger. xD

i feel stagnant and disssatisfied, and logically i shouldn't when there's so much going on around me. X.x i want more. i'm not sure what of just yet, but i know i'll figure it out.

i'm happy living where i am, just me and Kyu. we needed it, we were ready, and it's done wonders for both of us. it's a little crowded, but getting about four rooms worth of stuff into a one bedroom loft isn't easy. xD we've both gotten rid of a lot of junk we were only keeping out of sentimentality, and we've done okay not-replacing it with new junk. i've even substantially cut back on my comics. they take up a ton of room, so i'm mostly switching to trades and hardcovers. cheaper in the long run and more space efficient, as i already have bookshelves. xD you can fit a lot more story on a shelf than in a comic longbox.

i'm anxous because i still feel like something big is coming up. it's right on the horizon, but i can't see what it is for the life of me. i've been saying that for months and bir things HAVE happened; Dad's strokes, moving to our own place, probably the best WWTx ever, ordering Annie, but none of those BIG things were THE big thing i've been sensing. every time i thought to myself "maybe this is it?" but i still feel it, something's coming and it's driving me crazy not-knowing, but being so close to it. i can tell i'm close.. almost there, but not enough, it sucks.