State of the Neko address: week 54

song+ All the Lovers- Kylie Minogue- Aphrodite
book+ nothing currently
quest+ getting inspired again
upper+ i have good material on-hand
downer+ no inspiration to use it
attire+ pajama pants and a tank top
drink+ water

less has been finished this last week than i'd have liked. damn my easy distraction.. TVtropes.org is addictive like you wouldn't believe, and just like Wikipedia, there's so many links it can take days from you before you realize it. apparently this has led Kyu to deciding the best way to make me want to work again is to bribe me with other distractions, namely video games. he knows me well.

he's been working more at the tattoo shop lately, usually evenings Wed-Sun, and as of this week is actually bringing home money from the tattoos he's doing! he's still technically an apprentice, but the fully trained guy that's not the owner quit out of nowhere and since Kyu's the best apprentice by far, his work output has really been going up recently. he's been bringing home about half of what his customers pay for their work (which is damn generous for an apprenticeship) Saturday night alone brought home $75. that's not bank-breaking, no, but it's better than where he was a few weeks ago- still paying for the privilege of hanging out and learning.

Sunday he was called in at 5 because the shop was already getting busy, so he figured he could probably make enough to cover the cost of a video game, hence the bribe. xD i'll likely follow through since his assigned task is just doing the dishes, but am undecided what game i'd like as yet. the reason the dishes aren't done lately is that our sink doesn't drain (and really kinda smells) and our dishwasher leaves everything dirtier coming out than it went in. something in the kitchen pipes mostl likely, but the pipes elsewhere work fine, so it's entirely possible to do the dishes, just unpleasant and the task gets put off while we use disposable plates and forks instead. if i get the dishes cleaned up though, we can call maintenance to come fix the sink (in theory, they rarely manage to fix anything for more than a week or so) and the numerous other things that are wrong with our apartment. in theory.

otherwise i'm about at the one-month point waiting for my PKF Shiwoo kitty girl. i ordered her Jan 30 so sometime this week will be a whole month putting me approximately halfway into my wait. the mid/late December orders have been going out in the last week (according to the waiting room on DOA at least) putting an average wait at about two months, generally slightly longer. the Christmas event (that i was not part of) seems to have delayed things on FairyLand's end of things, but that's generally what events do, so i'm unsurprised. after Iple's quick-as-lightening shipping this seems like forever, but compared to Soom's 3 month minimum it's really not so bad at all. xD i'm not absolutely focused on her yet, but in another month i may well be.

i've hit a wall creatively and it sucks. it's the kind of mood where nothing i draw comes out decently and i'm afraid to pick up fabric or needle (or any other tool) because i don't wanna screw up my somewhat-limited cache of materials to work with, and it just feels like anything i do will come out WRONG. it's kinda dramatic, but i've learned though (rather expensive) experience to trust the feeling. usually when i hit this kind of wall i look at everything else i've ever liked to see if i can draw any inspiration at all. all i've managed to figure out this time is that i kinda wanna re-read the Horse and his Boy from the Narnia series (the other 6 not so much), and that FFx and FFx2 look interesting again, which is strange because FFx is one of my least favorite FF games. X.x the trouble with both being 1) i don't know where my hard copy is and can't find the USB cord to put my digital copy back on my Kindle, and 2) one of the cords for my PS2 is missing, along with any controllers. xD the thing hasn't been plugged in for more than a year so i have NO idea where to even begin looking for it.

for now my only action has been continuing to look into everything i've liked before to see if it'll help shake things up. nothing yet, but i'm still kinda hopeful that something will shake me up soon. maybe i'll actually look for the missing PS2 cord too. xD

State of the Neko address: week 53

song+ Double Vision- 3OH!3- Streets of Gold
book+ Angels Fall
quest+ getting test pieces sewn from my patterns
upper+ i got the thread i've desperately needed
downer+ thread is expensive! i'd forgotten..
attire+ pants and a bowling tee (it's hot)
drink+ water

this week's just started, but it already feels more productive than last week. maybe it's that it's a smidgen cooler and comfort is better for productivity than misery. xD it helps that both bedroom windows are open for ventilation, it helps a good bit. not sweating all over the fabric is a plus too. xD yesterday i got the faceup done on mom's new girl Temperance, and today i finished Xavin's showgirl dress, so that's a pretty good start to the week, i think. this week's focus will probably be sewing the test pieces for the patterns i spent most of December and January slaving over. once i know they're fully workable i can jump into the production end of things more enthusiastically. i've pretty much finished my distraction projects, the ones i started to ignore that little voice that tells me even if i do awesome stuff there's a chance no one will buy it. it's mostly shut up now, so they did what they were meant to.

after making things with the fabric i've bought recently i'll have to actually clean out some closets to find the fabrics i bought for other projects (that mostly never happened) and get stuff done with them. if i can find the stuff i know i still own, i can make a lot of things without having to go to the fabric store for a while. i have cosplay remnants, and things bought for projects for dolls i've sold, scraps from other people's projects that they figured i could probably use still, and things bought for costumes and outfits that never got made. really TONS to work with if i can figure out where it got stashed in multiple moves and reorganization binges.

i think i'm also ready to make the push to sell the other dolls i decided not to keep last year. they've been in the closet all this time because the timing felt off, but now i think it's okay to let them go. i don't feel like there's any reason to wait anymore. maybe later this week i'll actually get a sales thread (or four) set up to get things going. for now my focus is sewing and i want to do enough to make money soon.

State of the Neko address: week 52

song+ Starstruck- 3OH!3 (ft. Katy Perry)- Streets of Gold
book+ DQ6 guide
quest+ getting decent thread for my sewing machine
upper+ i'm nearly done with the Showgirl dress
downer+ it's hot and the air conditioner's not working yet
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ water

the first ever English-language version of Dragon Quest/Warrior 6 came out this week. Kyu bought it for me Tuesday and i just beat it to get the secondary ending tonight. honestly it was really no better than the first ending, hardly different at all, so i feel a smidgen cheated. at least i can assert confidently that i don't think 6 is the best of them, 4 is still my favorite. really what this means is 1) i'm a mega-nerd for beating it (twice) in three days, and 2) i now only need to get DQ7 and i'll have played every one of them. i know that the sound of the DQ theme alone fills mom with rage and despair, but i love it and the series as a whole tends to satisfy me more than any other game i've ever played.

otherwise, i've made significant progress on Xavin's showgirl dress. i need more feathery fluff for the backside and it'll be done. my computer is refusing to read my camera again, so if i have to i'll upload pictures from Kyu's, but there should be pictures soon. i'm very happy with how it turned out from both a pattern making standpoint and as the first project made with my new machine. i now know how i'll have to approach my EID sewing to get the seam allowances i'm used to so things should be great soon. i'm still lacking anything other than blue thread, as every time i arrange for someone to take me to get useful colors something happens, but this weekend for sure, i'll manage somehow to get at least black and white thread. blue can be used with purple fabric and it's not the end of the world, but no way can i use blue thread to sew a wedding dress from semi-sheer white fabric! xD

mom's newest doll arrived today and i now have her in my possession. i'm waiting for the humidity to let up a bit so i can do (and seal) her faceup. hopefully it'll get done this weekend. i know pretty much what mom wants, and i know what colors i have to work with, and i think i know what the doll will let me do for her, so the weather's the hangup now. not much else to say on this until she's done really. xD

i was feeling pretty sick earlier in the week, but things seem to be fine now. i think it was a tummy bug but since there's nothing wrong now i'm not exactly going nuts worrying about it. it's what kept me in bed Monday and Tuesday, then the rest of the week was catch-up sewing work and DQ obsession. since i've beaten it though, productivity should return.

State of the Neko address: week 51, part 2

song+ Better Than Revenge- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ In the Garden
quest+ getting decent thread for my sewing machine
upper+ i'm making progress on the Showgirl dress
downer+ i'm still feeling itchy and a bit restless
attire+ pants and layered tanks
drink+ milk

i had a bizarre dream early this morning. i'd headed up to the comic shop at opening (Wednesday is new comic day) and decided to spend the day there catching up on everything that's come out in the last month or so, and for some reason every passing acquaintance i've made in the past 10 years managed to stop in for a moment and ask how i was doing. in dream-time it took most of the day, but it didn't get weird until (early evening dream-time) my ex and her twin stopped in. conversation was started up as though there were never harsh words (mostly hers) or problems, as though we'd stayed friends after breaking up. she walked around as if she was a regular and i was the one who was a novelty at the shop, and for some reason she was really good friends with everyone working there, friendly enough to be allowed behind the counter (which had been rearranged- that confused me) the really bizarre part was when she merged with my favorite store employee while i was turned away. i was talking and there were both twins and the cashier, then i turned to look at something behind me and when i looked back Twin2 was there, but Twin1 (the ex) had taken on some characteristics of the cashier and there were just the twins behind the counter. then the new hybrid person started flirting with me. X.x i've dealt with flirting from the employee before, but it was in the vein of friendly banter, with no intention behind it. you know, stage whispers of "hey there sexy! wink-wink" and "shh, not while my boyfriend can hear" while holding Kyu's hand.. then laughs all around, harmless fun with neither of us actually interested in anything. xD so i've been known to flirt back some, but in my dream after they merged into one person, it took on the desperate 'you HAVE to love me!' tone that much of my interactions with the ex had toward the end. at that point everything she said or did or even thought was very 'i'm more invested in this and it terrifies me so i need your constant reassurance that you won't leave, even though i don't believe you at all' which is really a lot of pressure to operate under. lots of what happened then was unfair to her, but damned if it was fair for me either. i made some poor choices i'll admit, but the poorest was agreeing to try to fall in love with someone because they manipulated me into it.

i've said before that agreeing to date her was mostly a clutch of panic along the lines of 'oh shit, i only have like three friends, if i say no i'm down to like one!' (generally if you piss off one twin you piss them both off, it's a solidarity thing) i was in a bad place. i'd recently been raped (less than 12 months previously) and in reaction had thrown myself into platonic SAFE friendships with girls because they were penis-less and that's all i could handle, and then i found myself with one of my few close friends becoming increasingly affectionate (with words and touches) and dropping some of the broadest hints EVER that she was in love with me. not attracted to me, in love, that's what it was supposed to be from the beginning. when i hesitated to reciprocate, she found a 'boyfriend'. someone she said she was dating, but never even really touched with even hand-holding, just spent time with as an excuse to ignore me and make me feel less needed. (which i didn't see clearly until later) and i managed to convince myself that the feelings of abandonment were jealousy and i had to feel something similar after all. and hey, still penis-less, so a relatively safe bet overall. after breaking up with the 'boyfriend' she used semi-romantic quotes from books we'd both enjoyed to convey her feelings. it kinda bothered me that she couldn't even use her own original words, but i'd had a taste of emotional solitude and it scared me, so i said maybe i was feeling something too and we could see what it grew into. i replied using the quotes that corresponded to hers, i rationalized that it made the lies more okay since it wasn't my own words deceiving. yes, wrong, but i've admitted such before. most of our relationship was hand-holding and tentative kissing because her parents were controlling and she was afraid to rebel or disappoint, so we were hiding it from them but that made it easier for me. i like women, and i have been attracted to them before, but i was more 'fondly affectionate' for her than 'desperately lustful' and i was still afraid that any physical intimacy at all would take me straight back to the trauma i'd repressed and refused to deal with in any way. i wouldn't admit anything like that then though, it was easier to smile and say "it's okay, we don't have to rush anything, there's plenty of time". i suppose somehow that was heard as 'we'll have forever and i'll never want anyone but YOU!' though i recall being careful to avoid promises i wasn't sure i could keep. the one promise i did make that i shouldn't have was "i'll never hurt you" and i've since realized it's a promise no one can keep. i now stick with "i don't want you to hurt, so i'll do my best to avoid it" which is much fairer for all involved. i did love her though i wasn't in love, so that made it easier to justify the relationship, i cared too much to hurt her and figured it was possible i'd grow to be in love.

anyhow, we dated for a little under a year. as things progressed she found ways to manipulate me into doing what she wanted. guilt and misdirection with a healthy bit of my own denial, it became easier for a time to just let myself be pushed into what she wanted me to be. when my Best Friend moved away i became more committed to sticking it out since messing up would leave me entirely friendless (homophobia and religious fanaticism had made an impact already on my social interactions) ..then a few months into dating, i met my Turnip. meeting him was terrifying, he made me scared because the possibility of confronting all the issues related to boys was suddenly more real. we became friends and that panicked everyone for different reasons (mostly all based in guilt, longing, and/or fear though) and that friendship lead me to others (speaking to James and reconnecting with Naku) and i was now a little less trapped and actually had to wake up and start making choices again. i figured the safest way to start getting over my abundant ISSUES was to try a platonic friendship with a guy, and it was scary, and even more scary since i found myself feeling for him what i should have been feeling for my girlfriend. i was VERY careful that our forays into friend-type outings were absolutely appropriate, we were never alone together, there was never touching of any sort beyond maybe a high-five. goodbye hugs were no different than the ones i'd give other friends, and lasted no longer. i practiced a little flirting because he knew i was already committed to someone else and it seemed safe enough (not kind by any stretch of the imagination, but safe) and when i learned he had feelings for me i stopped the flirting and tried to not be interested because i'd promised not to hurt someone and falling for someone else is an easy way to hurt someone. there was a fair bit of manipulation going on throughout this, to make me feel bad for having (and enjoying) other friendships, conversations designed to trick me into admitting any feelings for anyone else (example: someday if we decided we wanted kids and we wanted one of our friends to donate genetic material to help, who would you pick? there's no safe answer to that kind of question), blanket statements of "Person A (not Kyu, incidentally) likes you and i don't like that. what are you going to do about it?" "..uhh tell them i'm already committed to you?" "they already know that, i think you should stop being friends. it's not fair to me or to Person A to have that temptation there." nowhere in there are my feelings a factor.

the tipping point of it all, the beginning of the end was when Kyu's girlfriend (he'd decided the best way to not like me was to try to like someone else- though i learned this later) asked me if he was really into her. i said yeah sure (because really, what did i know?) and her reply was that he seemed like she was his second choice and they both deserved better so they were breaking up and could i tell him? also that he could consider it mutual. i floundered with an 'uh, shouldn't you be the one to break up with him and not me?' but her reply was that really i was more likely to see him sooner and she'd appreciate it. X.x shortly thereafter he told me "look, i know you're already committed to Twin1, and you promised you'd never leave her, but i have strong feelings for you both. i'm doing my best to deal and i still want to be friends with you both, but i had to tell you, and i'm pretty sure you also feel something for me. you should be honest with yourself and with her and with me" hanging out got a little weird at that point, she didn't know because she refused to talk about it, and was reluctant to do anything just the three of us, and since he was right (but i wasn't ready to deal) i just made doubly sure that there was ALWAYS a third party when we were hanging out (Roro, or James, or Lachelle or SOMEONE). i asked everyone i thought had ANY perspective on relationships what they would do in the situation, playing the Pronoun Game rather heavily and letting them assume gender roles to suit their own comfort zones. every single person voted Kyu, and many said that door number one seemed kinda abusive emotionally. i dithered and cloaked myself in denial and that was okay for a while, then i admitted that yeah, i felt more for Kyu than i did for her, but a promise is a promise (foolish or not) and i wasn't going to be the one to end things, i knew telling her about the abundance of non-exclusive feelings would screw with everything since at that point i was fully aware of the sheen of jealousy that colored her perception of all my interactions with anyone that wasn't her. i told him i'd decided not to say anything to her about it. i guess he took it as a challenge of sorts, to be more awesome, more supportive and less demanding. it reached a point where i dunno what he felt (it was more than he was able to articulate, and it seemed cruel to pry when i was refusing him anything i thought would make the ex unhappy) but it ended when he wrote her a letter saying that he loved me, and he loved her and he was aware that i loved him, and i loved her (though i still hadn't admitted i wasn't in love with her) and due to poor choice of words and an unflinchingly stubborn disposition the result was a phone call on a Friday afternoon. i had people over (me, Kyu, Lachelle, Roro and a few others i can't recall) it was practically a party and everyone was laughing and having a great time when she called and the conversation quickly died while ours on the phone took a turn to "he said he loves you, did you know?" yes, i did "he says you love him, is that true?" yes, it is, i do "..is he there now?" he's not the only one, but yeah. and you were invited too, as you may recall. you declined to join us "well fine. we're done here, i hope you're happy with him" um thanks, but what did all that mean? then Monday i realized it meant i'd been dumped. she wrote me a rather mean note confirming that things had ended, calling me out for hurting her despite my promise not to (which i definitely had, though it was never my intention) and any number of other things that i may or may not have done. i don't recall them all now and i didn't keep the note. it wasn't until the next day that Kyu and i decided we'd see if we could make anything beyond friendship work for us. the first several months were really no different than before, except for some hand-holding. we were friends and we had feelings, but there was a lot of healing to do before anything more could grow between us.

i think Kyu and i had been dating tentatively for a little under a year when i got a letter from her- brief and catty, with pictures from the happy parts of our relationship included and an overall message that she hoped i wouldn't forget how good things were at those times. there was also one particular picture of bedroom eyes and a knowing smile and a hint of bare shoulders with the words "may you never forget the touch of my hands" written on the back side. it wasn't anything approaching kind or loving and it ripped me up. i spent about an hour after reading it just standing in the rain of a violent storm, hoping it'd just wash away everything i was feeling because it hurt SO much to feel it. yeah i made some (huge) mistakes with Twin1, but for almost a year i'd thrown everything i was into maintaining that relationship, and while i wasn't absolutely in love and focused to the exclusion of everything else, she did matter. i DID love her, even if i wasn't IN love. and i really really TRIED to be something good for her. i don't know what compelled her to do it, but it felt like a cruel attempt to contrast two different years and two very different relationships that grew from friendship into something else, one definitely more naturally than the other, possibly as a gesture like "we had the same thing and that fell apart, so this will too" though really the two can hardly be compared. also saying we fell apart is a ridiculous understatement. X.x whatever the purpose, it really only made me more sure that what i'd found with Kyu was (and continues to be) right for me. April 21st will actually be 9 full years together, and every day i find myself amazed at the love i feel for him. it can't be the wrong thing, as much as he's frustrated or infuriated me in all this time, more often he's thrilled me and made me feel loved and needed and like i really matter for who i am and not what i can do for anyone else. in spite of the very short time between ending one relationship officially and beginning the next (maybe a day in all honesty), being with Kyu was/is nothing like a rebound thing, and i never cheated on anyone. i've shared my views that monogamy isn't natural, but that it's the right thing to do even though it's hard at times. i believed it even then. being in a relationship doesn't make you blind to other people, but being a good person means that you make choices in loyalty and faithfulness.

the overall thing that i'm thinking though is last time i had a bizarre dream that had me contemplating What Used To Be it led to reconnecting with my best childhood friend, so i'm wondering if this is some kind of sign that maybe i should take steps to reconnect with my ex. especially since i walked into the craft store today and the head cashier (who shared different art classes with me and the ex in school) was all "oh hey, you just missed it, but i just spoke to Twin1!" ..really? as in.. "yeah! Twin1! she was just in here, it was crazy" huh.. haven't spoken to her since high school (understatement like WOAH since i dunno if the cashier is aware that i even dated Twin1. it was over long before i was friends with her) "yeah me either!" and Moose (who drove me up there) is all: O.o "and we JUST talked about all that too!" because i vented to her in the midst of drafting all this. so now i'm wondering if maybe it's the Universe telling me it's time for an overture or something. i really dunno. i suppose Facebook is the most natural place to start looking into bridging the gap..

State of the Neko address: week 51

song+ Enchanted- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ Born In trilogy
quest+ getting product prototypes pulled together
upper+ my feet are healing
downer+ i'm feeling restless and impatient
attire+pants and layered tanks (after it snowing last week too.)
drink+ milk

i have art to share! whee! these drawings are from an attempt to conquer January's insomnia. apparently when i'm unable to sleep i'm more inclined to abstract symbolism and a heavy attachment to song lyrics. i suppose they're all self-portraits of a sort. any attempts at emotional catharsis could be labeled as such really.



otherwise i suppose i'm doing okay. my left foot is completely better, the right is still blistered but it no longer hurts to walk at all. xD i've been working on adjusting the patterns i've made based on the flaws that show up when i sew with them. i think i have the big hiccups from the Annoying Dress pattern worked out, but i've lost my appropriately colored thread, so i'm putting it aside and working on other things while i (slowly) go through my oodles of things-in-boxes to look for it. you'd think white/off-white thread would be easier to find, so far all i've turned up is blue, and my smoky nylon quilting thread. not really great for sewing white fabrics. for now i intend to use the blue (or better the purple i KNOW i have somewhere) to work on the showgirl dress i've been working on off-and-on for Xavin. it should look pretty sweet when it's done too.

State of the Neko address: week 50

song+ Show Me How You Burlesque- Christina Aguilera- Burlesque Soundtrack
book+ Morrigan's Cross/ Dance of the Gods/ Valley of Silence
quest+ embarking on Version Two
upper+ my machine is set up and the manual's been read
downer+ my feet hurt (and the weather sucks)
attire+ jeans and a hoodie (cold weather dog-walking clothes)
drink+ water

i hate this weather. i don't like to be cold. extra layers are extra weight and that makes me feel panicky and trapped (because my claustrophobia is wonky, i realize it), so i tend to get by slightly under-dressed: cold and irritable instead of comfortably warm and twitchy and panicking.

in this particular part of town, it snowed (late Monday/early Tuesday) and then that froze. there's been nothing new, but it's melted and re-frozen meaning the ground EVERYWHERE in the complex is slick and dangerous. the only thing worse than walking a cold-weather dog in weather that you hate and she ADORES (thereby exciting herself to the point of jumping, running, skidding, and pulling) is trying to do it in flip-flops. i get by in flip-flops on icy surfaces just fine (in fact it's usually my most graceful time bizarrely enough), the dog pulling adds a certain reckless danger to it, so i've been wearing sneakers for two days and suffering. X.x that sounds like melodrama only because i'm telling things out of order again, hold on.

okay Sunday we hadn't done laundry yet, all my decent going-out-in-public clothes were in said laundry so i made do with a somewhat dressy business wear look that involved shoes i don't wear often and opaque tights that are a bit short and therefore put unpleasant pressure on my feet from the tugging required to get them to reach my hips properly. the combination of that and considerably more walking than i'd anticipated led to raw ugly twin-set blisters on the balls of my feet (very close to my big toes) that have yet to go away. they're actually thriving and monstrously inflamed and flip-flops + snow = actually kinda soothing, socks + sneakers = an amount of pressure that nearly brought me to tears just tying my shoes. factor in that wearing sneakers i HAVE to walk flat-footed adding direct pressure and can't get by on the sides of my feet like i have been barefoot, or almost exclusively by my heels as i can in flip-flops.

also bear in mind that the dog is stupid-big and bizarrely strong meaning she pulls me hard when the weather is sunny and safe and you can understand how unpleasant the dog-waling becomes in this kind of weather. fortunately we've had a training breakthrough! she now understands that when i yell "slow!" it means "if you knock me over, so help me i'll find a way to sit on you and make you carry me home" so she slows down and lets me gain my footing. i've yelled "slow!" a lot in the past few days.. i think that puts things back in an understandable frame of reference now.

this brings our tally of Commands the Dog Comprehends and (mostly) Obeys to: slow, sit, down (for when she's jumping on people), and kennel. four mostly-obeyed commands, which (sadly) averages to learning approximately one a year. not the best track record, but she's like a doggy savant. extraordinarily dumb, but capable of doing these amazing(ly frustrating) things. like chewing through metal (or really anything else) and managing to unlock doors and latches somehow.. she's a regular Houdogni. X.x to be entirely fair though, most of my training with her is non-verbal, so the list of commands in understandably small. she's done remarkably well with snap-and-point training, the snap gets her attention and i point at where she should go and 9 times out of ten she goes the right place and does the right thing. snap-and-point is next to ineffective outside through, especially when it's so cold it feels like snapping could make one of my fingers fall off. mostly there's too many distractions for the snapping to register. it's most likely to fail when we have somebody over too. the presence of unknown people makes her overly cautious, then rudely curious. it doesn't help that she forgets people after about a week.

anyhow, lately when not cramming my feet into torture devices to be dragged about by Harley, i've been worrying about Kyu (his kidney stones again, and a fever that didn't break for two days, though he's back at work now), trying to work in the office without having to leave my chair (mostly fiddling to correct the problems in the Annoying Dress pattern so i don't waste material working on Version Two), and soaking my feet in warm/hot water to loosen the skin around my blisters so there's less pain. it's kinda working- today my eyes only misted a little when i had to put on my sneakers.. having numbed my feet in REALLY hot water first made a difference. xD