State of the Neko address: week 60, part 2

song+ Breakeven- the Script- the Script
book+ nothing presently
quest+ figuring out details for Project 2012
upper+ this feels like the right thing to do
downer+ it's terrifying!
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

i'm unhappy, and i'm tired of being unhappy, so in talking to Kyu we've come up with a plan that will (hopefully) allow us to be happy- Project 2012. it's not a terribly complicated plan, or even a brilliant one, it's pretty much this: leave this place and start over somewhere new. we've given ourselves the rest of 2011 to save and figure out the details of where we'll go and how we'll support ourselves when we get there.

i love my family, both the one i was born into and the one i've found through shared experience, but i need space to breathe. i need to be somewhere that no one knows me, so no one will expect anything of me and i can learn on my own. going somewhere else that's still local won't work, the safety net of family will still be there. we need to go somewhere entirely different and see who we are independent of the circumstances that built us. i love it here in Texas, and i always have, but it's become more apparent that until i leave i'll not manage to shake the spectre that's followed me for 11 years. everything here serves as a reminder of the one experience that threw my entire life off the path i'd worked out for it. i feel shackled by affection, expectation, and memory. i need to get away from it all.

we narrowed down the search field of where to look for our own place rather democratically i think. i want to live where i can see or hear water when the mood strikes, Kyu wants out of Texas. i want the South since i hate to be cold, Kyu loathes the West coast arbitrarily and would prefer to avoid it. i need a certain amount of metropolitan noise, Kyu doesn't want the capital city stress level. basically we've more or less decided on something like coastal Georgia. Savannah or a similar area, most likely, whatever is available and has what we're looking for when the time comes to move.

this year we'll be saving every penny we can, and at the end looking for jobs in whichever city we decide on. we need to learn to drive for sure, since we can't exactly teleport all our things to another state with the powers of our minds. i'll be going through the boxes of possessions that have yet to be unpacked (a year and a half after moving), and getting rid of things we legitimately have no need for. there are some things that i'm holding onto for specific reasons, i don't need them yet but i will at some point so i'm keeping them. there's plenty though that i only held on to out of nostalgia, so getting rid of it could only be a good thing. there's a part of me that wonders if i'll find a decent comic shop after we move, and a good art store with friendly employees, or if i'll end up ordering whatever supplies i need online.

i'm nervous, borderline terrified of the possibility of such drastic change, but i need it. WE need it, me and Kyu, i'm certain it's what we're meant to be doing in fact. as terrified as i am thinking about it, it still feels like the right thing to be doing, so i know that it'll work out as it's meant to.

home for me has always been about people and affection more than any place. i want that to change, i want a place that's my own. i want to live somewhere that people walk in and can see my hand prints all over it. i want to walk inside and feel safe and whole, without calling out first to see if anyone else is there. i'm okay with renting in a city that feels right until we can find the building that feels right. i'm not ready to buy a house yet, and neither is Kyu, but i want to be. that means i need to find me, and i need to find the right city, then we can find the right house and make it the perfect Home. i'm ready to have one of those.