State of the Neko address: week 80

song+ Moves Like Jagger- Maroon 5 (feat Christina Aguilera)
book+ the manual that came with my tarot deck
quest+ getting in touch with Moose
upper+ my ideas are flowing with minimal struggle
downer+ Kyu had a miserable birthday mostly due to his lousy attitude
attire+ khaki pants and a purple tank
drink+ Dr Pepper

before i start, i'm curious enough to ask: has anyone else had trouble getting in touch with Moose this week? i've called something like four times over two days, and texted a few more times. no response to anything at all. i'm annoyed, and vaguely worried. me reaching her isn't life-and-death, but i've never had so much trouble with it. i have some things of hers i'd like to return, and a few errands that'd be more fun to take care of with her along, but i can't get in touch with her. so yeah- annoyed, and vaguely worried.
update: finally got in touch with her. apparently it was a hiccup between our phones because Metro sucks like that.

i know i'm late posting again this week, but i was distracted by productivity, then being sick. Saturday, Sunday and Monday i was focusing on this brainstorm i had for 30 unique doll outfits. i wanna do one for each of the 22 major arcana of a tarot deck, then the knight and queen themes for each suit. i have ideas for a few of them, but capturing them on paper is proving trickier than i figured it'd be. i've drawn up Strength and Stars designs i'm satisfied with, and i have Moon and Sun in my head, but Moon is proving especially tricky because the simplicity i want for it is eluding me. i'll get it right though, i'm sure of it. the best part (besides the challenge) is that i'm sure i'll be able to sell them for a decent profit, and quite a few can be done from materials i already have on-hand. others may require purchasing more, but i'm not worried about any of that yet. i got sidetracked by working on my Dark Elves Monday night (i found a box of Witches and a box of Witch Command while cleaning, so i put them together), then i was sick for most of Tuesday, but today i think i'll be back to working on hammering out the designs. i wanna get Moon done so i can work on Sun, then probably Tower and Judgement. i have vague ideas for Death and the Fool also, but they don't feel quite solid yet, so they're lower on my list. for this project i'm planning to design for all my girls, so i'll be working across my entire span of sizes, though i'm doubtful i'll have very many done at Puki scale. working that tiny is a nightmare, it's why Vanille only has the one outfit so far, every attempt has driven me crazy with the level of focus and detail involved.

i think the most attractive thing about this project is that it's very satisfying for me creatively, and the themes i'm going with are chosen based on who'll look the best wearing my idea, but the designs themselves don't really suit the styles of the girls that'll be modeling them, so i won't be tempted to keep them. xD i think that even selling them for my conservative estimate of value will make enough to help Kyu with a few things that need doing. if i'm right about what i think people would be willing to pay, that's even better and i can make even more. i'm not doing this solely to make money, but it is a secondary concern. i'm very picky about the quality of things i buy, and i think that anything i sell should meet those same guidelines,. i'm figuring that it'll take considerable effort (and all the patience i posses) to produce 30 outfits that are fully lined with uniform nigh-invisible stitches, but doing so will allow me to (in good conscience) charge a little more for the finished product. i don't know what market there is for somewhat arbitrarily-sized outfits representing (mostly) the major arcana in tarot, but one thing the doll hobby has taught me is that there's really a market for just about anything imaginable.

i did mean to post yesterday after realizing i'd missed Monday, but between being lain up ill, and trying to convince Kyu that the birthday well-wishes (despite his facebook status asking everyone to ignore his birthday) weren't malicious taunts designed to make him miserable. he was feeling melodramatic and angsty, and also having a panic attack over turning 25 and having nothing notable to show for his efforts in life thus far save for a mediocre job and apartment. his relationship with me doesn't really count as an achievement apparently, maybe because it reaches back to before we had to pretend we were ready to grow up. xD in any event, he seems to be doing marginally better today. since birthday wishes are unlikely to come a day late, the odds of him aiming a swearing rant at a co-worker are likewise diminished. yeah, that happened yesterday.

so yeah, stuff's going on, but nothing earth-shakingly important. the rest of this week is likely to be spent alternating between tarot costume designs, packing away more upstairs (because the moving thing is kinda up in the air at this point), and placating Kyu when his mood swings get in the way of productivity for either of us in any outlet (which happens more than i generally care to talk about). i wonder what it'd mean to anyone if i said that sometimes dealing with Kyu's abrupt mood swings from jovial to despondent (since i'm the only person he feels will listen when he tries to talk them out) are harder on me than watching my father lose his mind a little more every day before my eyes was. i love Kyu, just as i love Poppa, but there are times that I CAN'T BE THE STRONG ONE. i need to feel like i can fall apart too, and trust someone to just hold me, with no expectation that i'll pull myself together quickly, or efforts to reassemble me on their own. i just need that serenity that comes in the wake of a breakdown, then faith that i'll get past it. it doesn't help that no advice i offer Kyu is ever acted on. he says "tell me what do do" and i give everything i can, then he says "i can't do that" and nothing changes because he's afraid of success.

it's not always bad, but lately it has been and i feel a building need to just get away from everything and stop feeling for a while.. but i can't do that. at this point in time i'm not depressed (i'm remarkably chipper all things considered), but i can feel that inky shadow trying to sneak up on me, and if Kyu can't get a handle on his bi-polar issues, mine will try to take control of me again. i can't let that happen, last year my manic-depression stole three months from me, where i was convinced i was doing something wonderful and when the smoke cleared i'd accomplished nothing tangible and had only left the house once a day to walk the dog (plus the one trip with mom to take care of state tax issues regarding home businesses). three months gone without me really noticing the days passing, i can barely recall any of that time. i don't want it to happen again. that sense of losing myself in that numbing void is too similar to what i saw happening to Poppa every day for years, i have to hold onto me, or i'll lose everything.