song+ Breakeven- the Script- the Script/It's Time- Imagine Dragons- Night Visions
book+ Inn Boonsboro trilogy- Nora Roberts
quest+ functioning like a real person
upper+ manic phases are easier to live through than depressive ones
downer+ manic phases bring intense migraines
attire+ cargo pants and a Batgirl tee
drink+ water
i know it's been a long time since i posted anything. i wasn't in any kind of place mentally to handle anything, much less talk about it. things have changed, things have stayed the same. i think i can talk again though. maybe not regularly, but at all is an improvement, right?
ah.. our fridge died earlier this week and we had to throw away everything but the butter, so i've been out of milk since Tuesday. the apartment complex replaced our fridge that same day, but being milkless has left me pretty irritable.
other than that my brain's slid to manic from depressed. manic makes interaction with humanity easier on some levels, but it leaves me (even more) easily distracted, and more sensitive to panic attack triggers. i handle sleights of an emotional nature better, and my brain processes faster, which is great for creative endeavors, but when thoughts go too quick it feels like by brain is vibrating so hard it rattles against the sides of my skull. those headaches can send me to bed for hours at a time.
i'd been fighting out of a hazy sucking swamp of depression for the last 3 years or so (possibly longer), but late last year it cleared and i was normal (neither depressed nor manic) for the first time possibly ever. it lasted most of the holiday season, and as someone who's dealt with seasonal depression on top of the standard for most of my life it felt unspeakably bizarre. like i sat there wondering why i didn't feel inexplicably sad.
tax refund season has rolled around again and Kyu's has hit his account. one of the things on our to-do list with it is taking care of the random junk i need to do so i can finally start college classes. that should be happening in the next week or so, but other stuff is being systematically taken care of. my broken ipod has been replaced, so i have a reliable music player for the first time in about 4 years, which is super nice. i'm having to readjust to a click wheel after a touchscreen, but i'm already doing better about not accidentally jacking up the volume when i go to skip a song. xD
i've been making a concentrated effort to work on my issues with social situations too lately. mostly successfully even! i guess it sounds kinda sad, but i'm really proud of myself for leaving the apartment for more than an hour twice this week. i went with Kyu to the comic shop then to dinner on wed, and today i went out to lunch with a friend and even ordered my own food (which is seriously REALLY difficult for me). tomorrow Kyu's running the Warhammer event at Lone Star and i'll be keeping him company, so that'll be three times this week. an auspicious start to February, i think. also, even though it didn't really involve leaving the apartment, i was the one that juggled the dog and the maintenance guy while our fridge was being replaced, so i think that counts for something too.
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2 comments:
I'm glad to hear that you had a reprieve from the depression for a while. I hope that trend lasts. I even had fun hanging out with you the last several times we were together, so I think that counts for something. Not that I usually don't, but what I'm saying is that sometimes when you leave your house, you can hang out with me, which is not always torturous for you.
I also hope that you continue to feel better. I realize however, that that come in fits and phases.
I like hanging out with you and apparently, unlike Bonnie's comment above, it's not torturous for me!! *wink*
Think about this, every time you come over some small mending task I've been putting off gets finished, or my kids end up getting help making a kick-butt Halloween costume or we just enjoy one another's company. I think that's great.
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