song+ Radioactive -Imagine Dragons -Night Visions
book+ nothing?
quest+ sleep
upper+ progress with small projects
downer+ joint trouble
attire+ brown sundress
drink+ water
i was at mom's again this weekend, and while we didn't make huge, sweeping progress on anything, we did make incremental progress on a few things. we both got more done on personal projects than house projects, but i don't think either of us is disappointed in the things we managed. we have plans to do things next weekend already, so i'm sure we'll make up some then.
i'm completely aware he doesn't read this, but it's kyu's birthday today, so happy birthday to him!
i dunno, English words are generally difficult for me when my insomnia is acting up. i feel like there's stuff to say, but it's eluding me, so i'm done trying for now.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
if i'm never your hero, i can never let you down
song+ Explode -Patrick Stump -Soul Punk
book+ anything that looks moderately interesting
quest+ sleep
upper+ eh, nothing comes to mind?
downer+ insomnia
attire+ summer pajamas, a hoodie and a lap blanket
drink+ water
in the past three or four days i've managed something like a cumulative 10 hours of sleep. it's frustrating, but it's also disappointing because i know from experience it's a sign that my overall disposition is shifting back into heavy depression. i knew it was gonna happen eventually, but it's especially sucky coming off the longest-lasting span of happiness i can recall ever experiencing.
i feel like i should have something charming and insightful to end with, but i don't. pretty sure i'm about to take a stack of books and curl up in bed for the next several hours.
book+ anything that looks moderately interesting
quest+ sleep
upper+ eh, nothing comes to mind?
downer+ insomnia
attire+ summer pajamas, a hoodie and a lap blanket
drink+ water
in the past three or four days i've managed something like a cumulative 10 hours of sleep. it's frustrating, but it's also disappointing because i know from experience it's a sign that my overall disposition is shifting back into heavy depression. i knew it was gonna happen eventually, but it's especially sucky coming off the longest-lasting span of happiness i can recall ever experiencing.
i feel like i should have something charming and insightful to end with, but i don't. pretty sure i'm about to take a stack of books and curl up in bed for the next several hours.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
peroxide princess, shine with shark teeth (it's a sign, what if we peaked early?)
song+ Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown on a Bad Bet -Fall Out Boy -Folie a Deux
book+ nothing
quest+ sleep
upper+ new recipes to play with
downer+ insomnia-spawned self-loathing
attire+ summer pajamas and a hoodie
drink+ water
so sometimes in the middle of a fit of insomnia i find myself lying in bed stubbornly not-asleep and all my brain can do is replay every questionable choice i've ever made and obsess over the millions of ways my life could be different if i'd acted differently. nothing good ever comes of this, because i'm well aware i can't change the past, and even if i could i definitely wouldn't. it would suck if trying to not-experience something bad kept me from something better. mostly all it does is leave me wanting to contact people i haven't seen since i was in my early teens and see how their lives went after we lost contact. i have yet to actually manage to find any of these people, even when i remember full names, i'm apparently terrible enough at facebook that i never find them by searching? mostly i don't remember their names, i just remember how much i hate it when people drop out of my life with no warning and feel terrible for doing it to these people.
sometimes this thought spiral focuses on a particular person, tonight it did and i can't do anything about it, because i can't find him and we haven't had any contact since i was 14 and that's entirely my fault. literally, he called and i pretended to be one of my sisters (i was purposefully super vague on which one), lied saying that i wasn't home, and willfully didn't write down his number since phones freak me out and i knew i'd never manage to call back. in my (very minimal) defense, i was in a terrible place mentally as it was mere hours after coming home from being raped the first time, but he was a good person, and even in a terrible mental state i knew he deserved better. it took me weeks to realize i could have asked for an e-mail or something so i could avoid the phone and still remain in contact with him, but it was too late then. the worst part messing with my brain back then was that not hearing from my first-ever boyfriend in weeks was one of the buttons pushed by my rapist that got me to spend time with him, giving him the chance to assault me. i recall vividly, his logic was "well if he moved away and you haven't spoken in almost a month, it's probably safe to say he's not your boyfriend anymore, so you have no reason not to give me a fair shot." in hindsight i see the manipulation and emotional abuse, but i didn't then. my frustration with my past self is more that i KNEW this guy (the first boyfriend) regularly lost my phone number, i also knew he always found a way to get it again, so i probably should have expected a gap in contact after they moved away, and he did get it again when his parents ran into dad at work and asked for contact info. unfortunately, by then my already-faltering self-esteem had been ground to dust and i felt awful for not holding out longer. i'm pretty certain that my inability to call back led him to the conclusion that i just wasn't up for anything long-distance, so he stopped trying. this doesn't even touch on how the emotional baggage and guilt laid the foundation for the mountain of rape issues (physical and emotional, i still don't like being touched unexpectedly) and set me up for a year of further emotional abuse at the hands of my next relationship, the crazy ex-girlfriend.
i feel like i should clarify, i don't blame anyone but my rapist for what happened to me. i can express frustration with events surrounding that time without taking blame on myself. sometimes i look back on events (this one and others more benign) and say things like " i know if i'd done x instead of y, z wouldn't have happened" and people reply that i shouldn't blame myself. i don't. it is absolutely not my fault, that doesn't keep me from overthinking and going to dark places when my brain can't shut off though. i've NEVER blamed myself for what i went though, even when other people vocally have, i know firsthand rape is never the victim's fault. rape isn't about sex, it's about power.
book+ nothing
quest+ sleep
upper+ new recipes to play with
downer+ insomnia-spawned self-loathing
attire+ summer pajamas and a hoodie
drink+ water
so sometimes in the middle of a fit of insomnia i find myself lying in bed stubbornly not-asleep and all my brain can do is replay every questionable choice i've ever made and obsess over the millions of ways my life could be different if i'd acted differently. nothing good ever comes of this, because i'm well aware i can't change the past, and even if i could i definitely wouldn't. it would suck if trying to not-experience something bad kept me from something better. mostly all it does is leave me wanting to contact people i haven't seen since i was in my early teens and see how their lives went after we lost contact. i have yet to actually manage to find any of these people, even when i remember full names, i'm apparently terrible enough at facebook that i never find them by searching? mostly i don't remember their names, i just remember how much i hate it when people drop out of my life with no warning and feel terrible for doing it to these people.
sometimes this thought spiral focuses on a particular person, tonight it did and i can't do anything about it, because i can't find him and we haven't had any contact since i was 14 and that's entirely my fault. literally, he called and i pretended to be one of my sisters (i was purposefully super vague on which one), lied saying that i wasn't home, and willfully didn't write down his number since phones freak me out and i knew i'd never manage to call back. in my (very minimal) defense, i was in a terrible place mentally as it was mere hours after coming home from being raped the first time, but he was a good person, and even in a terrible mental state i knew he deserved better. it took me weeks to realize i could have asked for an e-mail or something so i could avoid the phone and still remain in contact with him, but it was too late then. the worst part messing with my brain back then was that not hearing from my first-ever boyfriend in weeks was one of the buttons pushed by my rapist that got me to spend time with him, giving him the chance to assault me. i recall vividly, his logic was "well if he moved away and you haven't spoken in almost a month, it's probably safe to say he's not your boyfriend anymore, so you have no reason not to give me a fair shot." in hindsight i see the manipulation and emotional abuse, but i didn't then. my frustration with my past self is more that i KNEW this guy (the first boyfriend) regularly lost my phone number, i also knew he always found a way to get it again, so i probably should have expected a gap in contact after they moved away, and he did get it again when his parents ran into dad at work and asked for contact info. unfortunately, by then my already-faltering self-esteem had been ground to dust and i felt awful for not holding out longer. i'm pretty certain that my inability to call back led him to the conclusion that i just wasn't up for anything long-distance, so he stopped trying. this doesn't even touch on how the emotional baggage and guilt laid the foundation for the mountain of rape issues (physical and emotional, i still don't like being touched unexpectedly) and set me up for a year of further emotional abuse at the hands of my next relationship, the crazy ex-girlfriend.
i feel like i should clarify, i don't blame anyone but my rapist for what happened to me. i can express frustration with events surrounding that time without taking blame on myself. sometimes i look back on events (this one and others more benign) and say things like " i know if i'd done x instead of y, z wouldn't have happened" and people reply that i shouldn't blame myself. i don't. it is absolutely not my fault, that doesn't keep me from overthinking and going to dark places when my brain can't shut off though. i've NEVER blamed myself for what i went though, even when other people vocally have, i know firsthand rape is never the victim's fault. rape isn't about sex, it's about power.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
every day is like a battle, but every night with us is like a dream
song+ New Romantics -Taylor Swift -1989
book+ my Persona series artbooks
quest+ nothing
upper+ looking forward to playing a new game
downer+ it won't be mine until my birthday
attire+ leggings, shorts and a black tee
drink+ pineapple soda
i managed to completely forget it was Sunday until just now. oops.
today was spent in a semi-productive state of completely ignoring all my in-progress tasks in favor of researching other projects and burst cleaning so i have room to (eventually) pick up on abandoned ones again. my computer desk is cleared, the table that held my sewing machine is now only holding sewing projects in various stages of completion, but nothing else. next up to be organized is my paint-storage cabinet, which is currently piled with pretty much anything not related remotely to painting.
Kyu wants me to get back to painting sometime soon, and for a while i really wanted to, but that urge kinda passed, and now i find myself thinking more about small sewing projects i could do by hand without making myself completely insane. i also need to figure out what i'm doing for Kyu's birthday later this month. i have like half an idea, but don't know if i can pull it off in time.
book+ my Persona series artbooks
quest+ nothing
upper+ looking forward to playing a new game
downer+ it won't be mine until my birthday
attire+ leggings, shorts and a black tee
drink+ pineapple soda
i managed to completely forget it was Sunday until just now. oops.
today was spent in a semi-productive state of completely ignoring all my in-progress tasks in favor of researching other projects and burst cleaning so i have room to (eventually) pick up on abandoned ones again. my computer desk is cleared, the table that held my sewing machine is now only holding sewing projects in various stages of completion, but nothing else. next up to be organized is my paint-storage cabinet, which is currently piled with pretty much anything not related remotely to painting.
Kyu wants me to get back to painting sometime soon, and for a while i really wanted to, but that urge kinda passed, and now i find myself thinking more about small sewing projects i could do by hand without making myself completely insane. i also need to figure out what i'm doing for Kyu's birthday later this month. i have like half an idea, but don't know if i can pull it off in time.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
run away, runaway
song+ Lucy -Adam Lambert -the Original High
book+ DQ9 guide
quest+ DQ9 perfect file
upper+ successful completion of several papercrafts
downer+ lack of motivation to work on much of anything
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water
readjusting to being home again made the last part of this week a little strange. i spent some of each day wondering what day it was. hopefully this coming week goes better for me.
i have projects i was working on, but the drive to pick them back up has been zero the last few days. i'm gonna try and push past that tonight, but no idea if i can carry productivity into the week with me. sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
i think my priority should be finishing up my in-progress things before i move on to anything new, even if some of them don't look particularly fun anymore so close to being finished. sometimes the last 10 percent or so is the hardest part for me to get through.
book+ DQ9 guide
quest+ DQ9 perfect file
upper+ successful completion of several papercrafts
downer+ lack of motivation to work on much of anything
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water
readjusting to being home again made the last part of this week a little strange. i spent some of each day wondering what day it was. hopefully this coming week goes better for me.
i have projects i was working on, but the drive to pick them back up has been zero the last few days. i'm gonna try and push past that tonight, but no idea if i can carry productivity into the week with me. sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
i think my priority should be finishing up my in-progress things before i move on to anything new, even if some of them don't look particularly fun anymore so close to being finished. sometimes the last 10 percent or so is the hardest part for me to get through.
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