State of the Neko address: week 58

song+ Wonderful- Wicked
book+ River's End
quest+ organizing the office
upper+ MUCH happier!
downer+ allergies are going crazy
attire+ pajamas! xD
drink+ milk (surprise surprise)

i suppose it's time for my weekly rambling again. yay consistency! xD

i'm taking baby steps toward sewing again. the first thing i did when i thought i might have been feeling better (as in not-depressed) was to draw up some new designs. i did them as really informal sketches so they don't match my other design drawings at all, but i can redo them to match later.

i think today i'll be working out the skirt pattern for what i'm referring to as the Rose dress (or the dress By Any Other Name). i don't think it should be terribly difficult to work out and i may have the pieces cut out and ready to assemble later today. i'm not rushing anything about it though, i want it to be perfect. if i get this one done and the pattern parts don't need tweaking, i can work on producing more of it in more colors. for now i only have the things on-hand to do it in burgundy and maybe black. a black dress meant to evoke the imagery of a rose is kinda morbid though.. unless i use some of my pinstriped fabric? would a black rose with white pinstripes look cool? xD

i suppose that before i get around to sewing again i'll have to move the parts of my army i've been messing with off to the side. xD they're currently spread across 80% of my workspace, and the paints and brushes are something i'll DEFINITELY want safely stowed before i get out either the fabric i can't currently afford to replace, or the patterns i spent weeks drafting. i guess that's today's undertaking: getting the army relocated, but still within convenient reach for when i feel like working on it again. guh, i have so much STUFF i need more SPACE for it all. i'm working on having less stuff, but it's a slow process and my brain keeps telling me that i need the things i find.

i'm getting better at admitting when i'll never use something again and passing it on, but there's three closets full of boxes i'm slowly going through in the weeding-out process, and i've discovered that a good chunk of the stuff is craft supplies, so i'm working on ways to use it so it doesn't go to waste. i have paint sets and feathers and a rainbow of glitter all for paintings i didn't get around to doing, so i think i'll do them this year. i've got a spectrum of beads and loads of charms being incorporated into my doll clothing designs. i have random packets of Swarovski crystals (mostly blue and red) that were for a project i realized i couldn't afford to undertake, so they just got put away. they'll be used in something, they were too damn expensive not to use them. there's boxes of fabrics i bought for projects i never did, so i'll either do them now, or use the fabric for doll stuff. i've got long boxes of comics i'm holding onto out of nostalgia or affection, so when i've cleared out enough other boxes to get to them, i'll probably go through and sell most of it for store credit to finance the rest of my army. i already have the good stuff in trades anyway, i was supporting the books i loved so they wouldn't get canceled by buying them in both forms. i'm making considerable progress going through the closets and throwing out things that won't be worn again. i used to buy two of every art supply i wanted, so i'd have one set to use, and one to keep pristine and unblemished by anything. i've since gotten over that, but it's still a desire i have. i want the set to use and fulfill my drive to create, and i want a perfect set to show off and say "look what i have, these materials show that i'm serious about my craft!" it's hard though, changing my perspective.

that's part of being a collector, it's not really something you think about doing, it's a compulsion. it's close to involuntary, and it takes more willpower to deny an urge to horde than it does to resist almost anything else. i have an addictive personality, it's why i've never even tried anything that's known to be habit-forming. i have enough trouble with the habits i already have, the last thing i need is one i already know could kill me. that makes it easy not to smoke or drink, or really corrupt my body with anything worse than junk food and an excessive consumption of milk. i will easily admit that i'm a milkaholic, i've cut back considerably (from 5 gallons of whole a week to two of 1%), but i still consume more than anyone else i know. bad day? chug a half-gallon then feel guilty for overindulging, not because it hurts my stomach (it doesn't. ever), but because milk is expensive. feeling depressed? sip all day while eating junk food and listening to lonely music. feeling good? celebratory glass while listening to happy noise and planning my next creative undertaking. except for the killing-the-liver and wrecking-family-relationships, my milk consumption has strong parallels to alcoholism. i feel unpleasant and shaky if i go a few days without it, and really if i react like this to milk, it's best for me to stay away from anything more illicit. my addictions are unlikely to kill me, but they're still there affecting most every part of my life.


unrelated, but i'm still impatiently waiting for my darling Vanille to ship to me, though there could still easily be another month to my wait. i'm fully aware that a good bit of the December Fairyland orders have yet to ship, but logic has no place in the angsty doll waiting phase. there's still a good chunk of Dec waiting to ship, but a decent chunk of Jan has been sent out, including one Jan 25 order. since i was the 30th, that means that mine could just randomly ship soon and that would be AWESOME. sadly i've seen a rush of the same dolls all shipping at once, and i'm the only Shiwoo on the waiting list in any size, so i think that could keep me from being part of a bulk shipping rush. i'm trying not to think too much about when she'll ship to me, but since i wanna be ready for her, i was wondering: mom, could you bring Chutzpah to girl day so i can play with her and get a sense of scale? it would be really helpful for me to play with a pukifee and get a sense of how small i'll need to work to garb Vanille in the style she demands. xD

State of the Neko address: week 57

song+ Double Vision- 3Oh!3- Streets of Gold
book+ Dark Elves codex
quest+ getting ready to sew again
upper+ i feel much better
downer+ i hurt my back dancing Saturday
attire+ shorts and a tank top
drink+ milk

the cloud of depression that hovered over me for the last few months seems to have finally dissipated. Saturday i left the house for something other than walking the dog, and Sunday i even spent hours with strangers/neighbors actually talking. that hasn't happened in a long time/ever. yay feeling human again!

anyhow i feel motivated, which is good, and i spent yesterday working on my Warhammer Fantasy army again for the first time since like last November. i spent hours making a model for my general (Hellebron) since she doesn't have a company sculpt as far as i know. i picked a model from another company that i could divest of any identifying characteristics and after doing that i spliced on weapons and hair taken from another model before sculpting the other parts myself to make her resemble the character described by the army book. of course i'm going for the young-for-two-weeks version and not the crone-for-the-rest-of-the-year version. i'm pretty pleased with how she turned out though, and today she should be ready to paint, since the sculpted parts should have set by now, so that's exciting. plenty to get done today.

i've decided to split my focus between working on the doll clothes stuff and working on other fun things. i think forcing myself to focus too narrowly on getting set up killed my drive and helped bring on the funk i've just managed to shake, so my plan is a more balanced approach this time. while i'm thinking more about my army, i'll work on it, and when my attention wavers (as it's likely to in another day or so) i'll get back to the sewing and stuff. i am looking forward to making progress again, now that i no longer feel like my touch will wither any attempts into automatic failure. xD

on an unrelated note, i'm nearing the two month point on my wait for my PukiFee Shiwoo.i know i still have a while to wait, but now i'm getting really impatient. i'm just ready to have her adorable-ness at home so i can make her absolutely perfect and squeal over how absurdly adorable she is. she's gonna be SO so cute, and i totally can't wait to make her adorably frilly ensembles so she looks like a little delicately frosted pastry ..only she'll be a kitten too. xD

State of the Neko address: week 56, part 2

song+ Stutter- Maroon 5- Hands All Over
book+ Ultimate Spider-Man. all of it. ever.
quest+ getting ready to sew again
upper+ i've passed 10k words!
downer+ i'm still not quite feeling normal again
attire+ pajama pants and a tank top
drink+ milk

i've spent the last two days reading the entirety of Ultimate Spider-Man again from the beginning. why is it SO MUCH better than the regular version? more than 150 issues, all with the same writer and a good chunk of it with the same artist, and it isn't bad yet. even the stories based (mostly) on versions from the regular continuity, like the origin and the Clone Saga were infinitely better in the Ultimate universe.

also Ultimate Gwen Stacy is infinitely cooler than anyone else and she totally deserves to be happy now. first her dad died at the hands of a Spider-Man impostor and her mom abandoned her, then she's (thankfully) taken in by Aunt May, only to be violently killed by a rogue genetic monstrosity, after that she's cloned from the remains of her corpse and given the powers of the thing that killed her. even worse, after escaping the facility where she was held and experimented on for months she had those powers violently ripped away and returned to May and Peter in time to survive the cataclysm that wrecked New York, only to have some shapeshifting jerk impersonate her boyfriend and break her heart? after all that's cleared up, she runs away to find her mom only to be told TO HER FACE that she's not loved or wanted by her, returning to her adopted home where she now has to live with and be friends with her ex-boyfriend while he maybe starts to date the girl he's really loved all along again. she could really use some happiness. even if she wasn't awesome incarnate, her wardrobe would win me over. one issue she's wearing a lavender tank and a camo skirt with clunky boots, she rocks it SO hard. anyone else i'd wonder what they were thinking, but she makes it work somehow.

i'm really loving what's more or less beome Aunt May's Halfway House for Homeless Teenage Superheroes though. in one house you've got Johnny (Human Torch) Storm, Bobby (Iceman) Drake, Peter (Spider-Man) Parker himself, and Gwen (formerly Carnage) Stacy. there's also Kitty (Shadowcat) Pryde somewhere in the area on the run since being a mutant is illegal, the family of Rick (Nova) Jones down the street, and until she left to be an X-Man a while ago Liz (Firestar) Allen too. plus now there's the whole Peter being trained by other superheroes, so there's a possibility of Iron Man dropping by- entirely failing to realize how that could endanger a secret identity. it was played for laughs when this glaring oversight is pointed out to him and he loudly thanks May for directions and leaves. xD

i love Ultimate Spidey because it's so much more FUN. even when he angsts, it's not as bad since you kinda expect it of him, being a teenager and all. Peter's complete inability to maintain his secret identity is pretty awesome too. xD i love that since the huge wave trashed New York the book's been Spidey and his Amazing Friends, it keeps it much fresher, i think. i am looking forward to Cloak and Dagger eventually showing up though. Tandy (Dagger) Bowen's been mentioned since around issue 50 or 60, i think, and she actually showed up as a student at the beginning of the Chameleon arc, but i'm REALLY hoping we see her get powers. i wanna know if it'd hit her as hard as it did Liz. when you're mutantphobic and suddenly you're an X-Man, there's a good deal of re-evaluating to do. i think similarly, since Tandy thinks she's better than genetic anomalies (Kitty) and social misfits (Peter/Gwen and possibly MJ), if she found herself lowered to being one of them i think there would be a moral/mental break and it could be a REALLY good story. also i'm almost positive that Cloak and Dagger first appeared in a Spidey comic, but i'm not absolutely sure. i'd look it up, but Wikipedia always distracts me. xD

so yeah.. Ultimate Spider-Man is awesome, and my opinions on it are clearly of great importance and must therefore be shared with everyone ever. everyone should read it. everyone. xD

State of the Neko address: week 56

song+ Back to December- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ only the one i'm hacking at mentally
quest+ getting ready to sew again
upper+ i've passed 10k words!
downer+ i'm still not quite feeling normal again
attire+ pajama pants and a tank top
drink+ dr pepper

as much as i've grumbled about not being a writer, today i passed the 10k word count. (specifically 10,075 words as of 6:30 this morning) it's still a very rough draft but i'm reaching the point that i'm more pleased with how my characters are turning out. there's still a good bit of the story i have yet to figure out and capture, but it's fleshing itself out steadily. sometimes the development is in words and sometimes it's as costumes the characters would wear. when the costumes come to me i know that the next thing i need to do is figure out why they need the particular costume. it's led to a richer world than it'd be otherwise. world expansion via wardrobe may be strange to some, but it makes perfect sense to me.

this monstrous thing i'm writing started as a kind of fan fiction exercise, but honestly at this point the people i've made up are more interesting than the ones i started with. it's hard to write the stereotypes convincingly since there's only so far i can relate to the clichés inherent in the original material. i love it so far as relaxing and enjoying other people's work, but real people don't really slot neatly into character archetypes, so the flawed individuals i'm getting to build for myself are far more arresting and i'm more and more fascinated writing them. initially there were the three characters i was writing that i didn't make up, and now i'm up to six original characters that have taken up twice the word count of their parents. that's about all the others ended up being in my story, enough exposition to realistically set up the world as i wanted to play in it, then they got shifted off to the background. so i could do the fun stuff. i've got more new characters hovering on the periphery of my mind ready to flesh out the world further. even if they don't figure prominently in the story, knowing them can only serve to increase the depth of the world i write for the others.

otherwise i'm doing okay, but unremarkably. i do think all this writing is serving its purpose and getting me past the funky mood that's kept me from really accomplishing anything potentially lucrative lately. once i don't think i'll automatically screw up anything i attempt i should be able to get some things made and listed for sale. that'll be nice.

i will say that it's really annoying when i find myself finally settling into the established vocal patterns of characters not from my own mind and the spelling/grammar check i run highlights the entire conversation green as it's made of sentence fragments. yes, i'm aware thanks, but it's how the morons have been established speaking, so when i say to ignore it could you just IGNORE IT? ugh. sometimes i think the grammar check is out to make me nuts. the stuff i write for my own characters is green line free, with red squiggles occasionally pointing out that i'm lapsing into things other than english in my spazzy typing. i'm a great speller, but i do type kinda like a monkey attempting dictation. my speed is decent, but there's a high likelihood of the initial draft of anything at all looking like shorthand for an eldritch language. i spell check everything before sharing it for a reason. >_>

State of the Neko address: week 55

song+ Real Emotion- FF X-2
book+ the fail-tastic mess i'm struggling with
quest+ finishing what i've started
upper+ my characters are becoming more detailed and awesome
downer+ writing woes. oh the dramatic angst
attire+ pajama pants and a tank top
drink+ milk

i'm not a writer. sure i can draft a reasonably clever blog post on a (mostly) weekly basis, but i'm no poet or novelist. sometimes it bothers me because i have ideas and i hear characters sometimes like they're speaking to me, but i can't capture them right. it's the WAY i write that bothers me. i can handle tiny snippets of dialog, but can't put them into a conversational flow. i write from a third person perspective (since i'm not in the story myself) but somehow every time is in the present tense. "so-and-so thinks this is strange as she does whatever" isn't exactly page-turning excitement.i basically end up with chunks of present-tense views into the mind of who i'm writing, from an omniscient third person point of view, then with no transition or fanfare i jump to the next event and viewpoint. there's no interaction (with words) unless it's offhand references to a teasing/playful relationship i make no effort to write itself. there's also that my own expansive vocabulary has me hating to repeat a word and the use of every synonym possible makes me look kinda pretentious and pseudo-intellectual when it's done. it's not like i have this long-buried dream of being a novelist, but i'd like to not totally suck at it. i'm perfectly capable of editing other people's work and not lousying it up. i know what's good writing and what's nigh irredeemable, but i can't write anything good if i shoot for more than a paragraph. it's not a constant frustration, but when i have a particularly insistent idea it can leave me feeling especially grumpy. like the past few days. *grumble grumble*

i've got 5730 words on this particularly stubborn idea written in the last two days. it's not godawful, but it's far from publishable, even by fanfic standards. i have the same issue with my writing that i do with my sewing, if it's not good enough for me to want to read it/buy it, it's not good enough to be shared. why should i subject others to what i wouldn't seek out myself? it's worse i think because i know the characters as though they're real people but i'm unable to write them interacting without the buffer of self-insertion, and the last thing i want is myself mucking up an otherwise promising plot line. ugh. this time i've kept going. i'm telling myself that maybe if i finish writing out the storyline in my bizarre format, after it's done i can go through it like an editor with another person's work and de-suck it in the second draft. xD by that time i'll know where it's going and what may no longer be needed and that will probably make a difference too.

i dunno, i guess i really just wanna know, other people who write (anything at all) do you have similar problems or am i just a big ball of crazytime? xD