State of the Neko address: week 71

song+ Love You Like A Love Song- Selena Gomez & the Scene- When the Sun Goes Down
book+ nothing
quest+ getting rid of a bunch of stuff
upper+ getting out more lately
downer+ Kyu didn't get the better job
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ water

i want a home, a place of my own that i can put myself into. i want it to look like an extension of us, i want built-in shelving for the multitude of books (and toys, let's be honest) owned by myself and Kyu. i want to paint every room in colors other than white. i am SICK of white walls, it's all i've seen wherever i've lived for most of my life, i'm ready for color everywhere. i want a yard so Harley can run and play in it to release her energy and not chew up everything she can reach. i wanna hang art without worrying about what'll happen to my security deposit, and i wanna be able to invite people over without worrying about strange neighbors doing bizarre things to freak them out. i'm not at a point where it's realistic to go about looking for a home yet though, so instead i'm looking for an apartment we can live in for a few years that i won't hate after 6 months. tomorrow Moose is taking me to look at some places that i found online that are comparable to our current place so far as floorspace goes, but considerably more affordable due to not being on the college campus. all options are within the same walking distance from Kyu's job that our current place is, and two of them will save us a noticeable amount on our bills every month (courtesy of actually being bills-paid). after talking to the management and possibly touring the grounds i'll have a better idea of where we should focus our efforts. it's my job to do the initial searching, eliminating the things that obviously won't work since Kyu doesn't have the time, working what amounts to two full-time jobs.

i hate living in this neighborhood, and i realize that there's not much better we can do while we're still walking everywhere, but there are places where we won't hear drunken college parties ending at 3am. i don't wanna worry about the guests of residents of the place across the street parking in reserved spaces in front of my door for said parties (agitating the dog), then swearing loudly when the party is done and their vehicle has been towed (agitating the dog, myself, and Kyu). i've been dealing with that for about 3 years now. i want the kitchen to work, all of it. in our current kitchen, half of the cabinets can't be opened without smashing into the ceiling lighting, the oven's pilot light goes out about every other day, the dishwasher has never worked, and the sink doesn't drain (and it smells atrocious). we wash dishes in the half-bath sink under our stairs. in addition to all that our refrigerator door is attached backwards. easily the least of our troubles, but it's frustrating to have nothing work and nothing get fixed, ever. in addition to the fail!kitchen, our whole complex loses AC about once a month on average, nothing has been done about the bug problem we've been fighting for years, and the upstairs bathroom is breaking down. there's a rust-worn hole in the sink, the shower head is coming detached from the wall and the angle can't be changed at all, and the hot water knob has fallen off a few times and only works a third of the time.. of course since it's always stupid hot, we just take cold showers anyway. *sigh*

i think i wanna go back to school. or more accurately, i think i wanna finally start college. i miss taking art courses, not for instruction really, but companionship and inspiration of fellow creative types. i wanna take all kinds of art classes though, sculpture, pottery, drawing, painting, glass blowing, metal working. i wanna try it all, but i REALLY miss working with clay on the wheel. i loved the semester of ceramics where i was throwing dishes. i think i ended up giving away most of it, and the stuff i kept mostly got broken in the course of multiple moves, but i wanna do more. i've always wanted to create. my goal for my future has always been simple: i want to successfully share my artistic vision with someone else. all i want is for someone to look at a finished piece and see what i envisioned when i conceived the idea. that's part of why i have little professional ambition, as long as someone understands what i'm trying to do, i'm satisfied. it's not the most financially secure point of view to have though, and i realize i need to be doing more. maybe by refining my skills and expanding what i know i'll find a way to make my art do more for me. because 90% of my creative process is instinct, i have trouble when it comes to trying to figure out a price to sell anything at that's fair to both myself and a potential buyer. i do it as a form of cathartic therapy, so beyond the cost of material what's a fair profit? i don't know comparatively what my feelings captured are worth to someone else. i dunno, i guess the easiest thing to do would be to gather a selection of what i've done then ask people what they'd be willing to pay for it? facing other people judging my vision is terrifying though. i had a pretty huge panic attack last Christmas when i decided to bring my dress design portfolio to the family gathering to ask for feedback, i'm terrified i'm not half as good as i think i am.

in preparation for moving (even though it's still a few months away) i've been going through my collections of STUFF accumulated through the years, and i've realized that a lot of it means nothing to me at all anymore. it just stuff and i don't think i'll have any trouble getting rid of it. this means that closets full of boxes of stuff can be reduced to actually organized closets with a logical inventory system for art supplies and finished projects, organized boxes of books can be unpacked to actual shelving so it can be read again, and the tons of comic issues i have in both single issue and trade/hard cover format can be sold for store credit to buy something else that'll take up much less space. like another Wonder Woman shirt (because you can never have too many) or models for my Warhammer army, or trades that have been released in the past year that i didn't buy yet. i'm also ready to finally go through my closet and get rid of the stuff that doesn't fit anymore (and hasn't in a LONG time). holding onto it while i steadily gained weight was a form of denial, and if i get rid of it i'll have space for the stuff that does fit, and when i do lose weight again, i can buy new cuter things to make up the difference.. though i'll also take in the bigger things i don't wanna get rid of. in the last 7 years i've gone from a size 8 to a size 18 (then back down to 16), and i don't like being so big. i know i'll never be slim, but i'd be happy to be an 8 again. i'm eating healthier though, limiting fast food, and quitting soda. drinking more juices, and less milk (which for me really is an issue). most importantly i'm actually doing things again. i walk to and from the tattoo shop a few nights a week for social interaction, and i walk Harley with Kyu at night around the neighborhood. i walked 2 miles on the Lamar high track with Moose and Eric a few weeks ago, and we'll be going again before too long. if i can get enough thrown out to streamline the living room's layout i'll hook up my Kinect again and get back to dancing for my workout, but it's tricky since it requires so much space and Harley is prone to getting in the way. i have my Wii hooked up in the office, but it's too crowded to use in there right now, and after the Kinect, the Wii feels too easy, like i'm not trying hard enough. xD