this year's almost over

song+ nothing at all, noise is generally too painful
book+ the Kane Chronicles
quest+ no idea
upper+ ah stuff? i'm feeling better i guess.
downer+ being sick at Christmas sucks
attire+ pajamas
drink+ dr pepper

i've spent most of the last week struggling to breathe, or trying to sleep off intense headaches, so not a whole lot has gotten done. i did pull myself together enough to at least make an appearance at Bonnie's for Christmas, but i can't lie, it felt pretty good to cut out early and get back in bed when i got home.

since Kyu got sick about the same time i did, the plague coming from his parents and all, a lot of this week was spent taking turns looking after each other. i'm glad we're both doing better now, i'd forgotten how whiny he can be when he feels lousy.but i guess pots and kettles, glass houses and stones. whatever.

really, i think this week marks the beginning of my new effort, finding a job that won't shoot me straight back to the mental breakdown i've spent 3 years trying to get over. that's the goal though, new year, new job. actual productivity, and eventually, being able to afford to do fun things again! xD

the most wonderful time of the year

song+ Big Hype -Patrick Stump -Truant Wave
book+ EAH: the Storybook of Legends
quest+ no idea
upper+ i'm still having the happiest winter season i've had in something like 15 years
downer+ i'm having a manic phase and wondering how to deal
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

i've more or less run out of things to do. like there's stuff i can do, and stuff i want to do, but i've never hit manic while happy before and i'm so peppy and excited that i'm exhausting myself before i manage to get much of anything done, then having trouble staying asleep, because i want to be DOING THINGS. i got through most of last week doing Christmas prep. i cleaned, set up the tree, and wrapped presents to or from anyone regularly in the apartment. i have nothing left to wrap and days to fill before Christmas itself arrives. this morning i have a few hours before mom picks me up for church with Jenni, then immediately after that i'm back home to get in the car and head to Grandpa's, so today's covered really. i have a painting i wanna do for James, but that's part of my Monday plan: painting, which still leaves me wondering what i'm gonna do to fill my Tuesday? like everything seems so interesting i don't know what to do first and i lost my whole weekend basically researching new ways to do things i already knew how to do, but can't afford to do.

honestly today all i'm figuring on accomplishing today is time with family. i have things packed to do in that time in my trusty Art Bag, but i really have no idea if i'll actually manage to get anything done.

but yeah, as someone whose struggled with depression most of their life, and manic/ (even worse) depressive mood swings on top of that, i have to say this is the first time a manic swing has hit when i wasn't feeling depressed. usually it kinda levels me and i feel normal-ish, but a little twitchy and anxious (and still kinda inexplicably sad) but this time i feel like i'm trying to go three ways at once and my ideas won't stay in my head, they're spilling everywhere. my inattention is of the hyper-focused variety, meaning i'm looking so hard at one tiny aspect of something for so long i miss basically everything else for hours, but MAN do i know the ins and outs of that one tiny thing. i'm also tired after being up for like 8 hours, and only managing sleep in 4-6 hour bursts, which means i'm not really rested so i'm also dealing with random muscle aches. it's really strange, i'm sure i'll figure it out though.

a mid-week post? i must be obsessing over something!

song+ Run Dry (X Heart X Fingers) -Patrick Stump -Soul Punk
book+ DQ4 guide
quest+ umm.. happy Christmas prep?
upper+ i'm kinda obsessing over something new early enough to reasonably collect the line
downer+ i'm totally broke
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

i kinda am. i've spent hours in the last few days on a website playing flash games designed for 12 year old girls, and looking at the teaser images to try and guess which dolls are coming next.

the line i'm obsessing over is Ever After High, it's a sister line to Monster High, for kids that prefer fairy tales to monsters, which is definitely more my thing. i've spent lots of the last month and something looking into it. basically instead of being the kids of movie monsters, they're the kids of fairy tale characters, destined to inherit their parent's roles in the stories to keep them going. initially i discovered it when i was looking into doing a custom MH doll to be a Princess Jupiter for myself, and really EAH is a way better fit for that project, but also i just really really love the characters. it only launched this July; the inital wave was four dolls, followed swiftly by a two-pack, then another two dolls. so that's eight widely available now, and the ninth has shown up a few hard-to-reach places but will likely be more available early next year, and the designs for the tenth have been confirmed, so now i'm hoping for one specific character (Lizzie Hearts) to come soon, since the other designs i really like have been confirmed or released already. Kyu ordered me Raven Queen for Christmas, and i'm hoping to find a way to get the others soonish, before the line explodes and there's too many to keep track of. xD

the available eight in order of release: Apple, Raven, Maddie and Briar. Ashlynn and Hunter set. Blondie and Cerise.

C.A. Cupid (limited availability for now), Cedar Wood (coming soon), and Lizzie Hearts (isn't she CUTE?)

i mentioned spending WAY too much time on the website, right? well this is the class schedule it generated for me after a brief personality test. apparently i'm a musically gifted evil witch-in-training? i'm surprisingly okay with that. XD

time for music again

song+ Silent Night
book+ several X-Men trades Kyu brought home
quest+ hitting my notes and breathing right
upper+ i'm performing today in Bonnie's ward with the family
downer+ i'm nervous (borderline terrified?)
attire+ pajamas. still hours before i have to get dressed
drink+ hot cocoa

it warmed up considerably. the ice has melted and the streets are pretty much back to normal and that's awesome. xD today mom will be picking me up to head over and perform prelude music in Bonnie's ward. my favorite thing about Christmas is singing with my siblings, so while i'm hovering between nervous and terrified, i'm trying to view it as a learning experience. i'm making it part of my re-normalization project.

really the hardest part is that i usually turn to dairy products in times of emotional distress. i absolutely eat my feelings, and i'm trying to avoid dairy products so my voice doesn't do anything weird. really it drives home just how much of my diet is dairy-influenced, because i looked in the fridge, and the cupboard and there's like nothing that won't screw over my efforts. super frustrating, but part of coping with my anxiety is actively controlling variables that could lead to increasing it. like screwing up my voice and hitting a note wrong and everything spiraling (internally) into "i'm such a huge disappointment to everyone, why do i even try?" because i'm aware i don't suck. i just sometimes need to remind myself.

i sometimes wonder if my OCD manifested to deal with the heightened levels of anxiety my brain thinks i should be dealing with ALL THE TIME. like the world is a chaotic seething mass of entropy, but if i keep all my things at perfect 90 degree angles and arranged chromatically maybe it's not so bad. if i chew the same number of bites on each side of my mouth and collect a whole line of toys or books (even when i only like one part) maybe everything is neater and i've made the world better? like i'm aware that it doesn't make sense, but again, it's small things i can control, so i guess it's not the worst way i could cope (though i'd probably be too anxious to even try out the worse things).

my compromise breakfast is cinnamon-sugar toast and hot cocoa (that has no actual dairy content in it being super cheap powdered stuff). it's not doing much for my nerves, but at least i won't be like super starving. xD no tummy rubles to be picked up by the microphone.

it got cold out of nowhere!

song+ Alone Together -Fall Out Boy -Save Rock and Roll
book+ Lego Batman 2 guide
quest+ err..
upper+ i have stuff to do while the weather's too gross to go anywhere
downer+ i hate being cold
attire+ pajamas
drink+ hot cocoa

i don't like the cold. i thought about just posting that and nothing else, but i guess i can do better. xD

like i know i don't get cold as easy as some of my siblings, but i really hate being cold. it just depresses me and makes me not wanna do anything, and it also makes all kinda of otherwise manageable pain flare up in my terrible old-lady joints. for the most part i haven't had to go out in the way too cold, but the dog does have needs, so i have braved it a few times.

mostly i've been sitting inside playing fun distracting things with the heater running so i can pretend the world outside isn't frozen. i've been working my way through Lego Batman 2 again. it's really fun and i love that it uses the scores from the Keaton Batman and Reeves Superman films in the soundtrack, but i can't play it for too long. something about it leaves me dizzy and nauseated. like almost motion-sick which is strange since i've never reacted that way to any other video game, even though i know it's possible because Mario Galaxy and Rocket Slime both made Kyu motion sick when he's never had issues with it before. really i just have to limit myself, one or two missions, or running as many close-together side quests as i can in one go.

Kyu did make it to the grocery store for a few things today, so i've had hot chocolate to drink since i got up. i love hot chocolate, like i could drink it year round. i have drunk it in 100+ degree weather, i don't even care, i love it. it tastes a bit odd with chicken taquitos though. XD

really though the only notable thing other than the weather and the gaming is that my phone's acting up. it decided yesterday to tell me when i get a text, but refuse to let me read it. instead of loading, it'll freeze for a few minutes and reboot itself. then still not let me read the stupid message. really i have no idea what's wrong, because it'll let me view older messages, just nothing new. i still have e-mail and facebook and other options though if anyone needs to reach me, so yeah. xD

this November was a good one

song+ Young Volcanoes -Fall Out Boy -Save Rock and Roll
book+ nothing
quest+ starting the Draw EVERY Pokemon Challenge
upper+ i'm really motivated to DO something
downer+ i don't know what
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

i had a good thanksgiving week. not a whole lot has happened that's worth talking about, but i'm continuing to take small steps in my efforts to figure out acting like a normal person.

i've been thinking about painting again, because it is something i love to do. i have a few ideas i'm mulling, but also i have to do some shuffling of supplies to get my painting stuff back within easy reach, so i guess there's time to figure out the bits i'm still not sure on. this all sounds super vague, but there's not much to say about it until i have something done and i can really let it speak for itself.