time for music again

song+ Silent Night
book+ several X-Men trades Kyu brought home
quest+ hitting my notes and breathing right
upper+ i'm performing today in Bonnie's ward with the family
downer+ i'm nervous (borderline terrified?)
attire+ pajamas. still hours before i have to get dressed
drink+ hot cocoa

it warmed up considerably. the ice has melted and the streets are pretty much back to normal and that's awesome. xD today mom will be picking me up to head over and perform prelude music in Bonnie's ward. my favorite thing about Christmas is singing with my siblings, so while i'm hovering between nervous and terrified, i'm trying to view it as a learning experience. i'm making it part of my re-normalization project.

really the hardest part is that i usually turn to dairy products in times of emotional distress. i absolutely eat my feelings, and i'm trying to avoid dairy products so my voice doesn't do anything weird. really it drives home just how much of my diet is dairy-influenced, because i looked in the fridge, and the cupboard and there's like nothing that won't screw over my efforts. super frustrating, but part of coping with my anxiety is actively controlling variables that could lead to increasing it. like screwing up my voice and hitting a note wrong and everything spiraling (internally) into "i'm such a huge disappointment to everyone, why do i even try?" because i'm aware i don't suck. i just sometimes need to remind myself.

i sometimes wonder if my OCD manifested to deal with the heightened levels of anxiety my brain thinks i should be dealing with ALL THE TIME. like the world is a chaotic seething mass of entropy, but if i keep all my things at perfect 90 degree angles and arranged chromatically maybe it's not so bad. if i chew the same number of bites on each side of my mouth and collect a whole line of toys or books (even when i only like one part) maybe everything is neater and i've made the world better? like i'm aware that it doesn't make sense, but again, it's small things i can control, so i guess it's not the worst way i could cope (though i'd probably be too anxious to even try out the worse things).

my compromise breakfast is cinnamon-sugar toast and hot cocoa (that has no actual dairy content in it being super cheap powdered stuff). it's not doing much for my nerves, but at least i won't be like super starving. xD no tummy rubles to be picked up by the microphone.