book+ Unfairest of them All- Shannon Hale
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ pleasant week overall
downer+ trouble processing written words lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water
every weekend i'm all "not much is happening, except Pokemon" but i guess that's not really true. it ties into a lot of what i brought up talking to Rory on Skype, so there's gonna be some quoting going on here while i work on sharing what i'm thinking and feeling. i'm very honest, but i'm also very secretive and it's sometimes hard to balance the two.
[8:20:57 PM] Rory: HI HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
[8:21:57 PM] neko: i think i'm okay?
[8:22:35 PM] neko: like i'm not depressed, but i'm feeling more like a burden than normal, so i wanna find a job, but it needs to be something that won't send me back into the abyss i spent 3 years fighting my way out of.
[8:22:52 PM] neko: that's not going too well.
[8:23:24 PM] neko: i'm underqualified for general adult-type jobs, and overqualified for generic entry-level jobs.
[8:24:14 PM] neko: so it's frustrating. i feel like i'm not really getting anywhere, so i disteact myself with designing and pokemon, but that makes it look like i'm not trying at all, which is stressing kyu pretty badly.
[8:24:42 PM] neko: plus my insomnia's been wicked bad lately, and nothing i've tried has helped there at all.
(this section is RE:Rory's recent posts about suicide urges)
[8:34:56 PM] neko: sometimes all you can do is try and think of why you want to live. and sometimes that's fucking hard.[8:35:22 PM] Rory: yeah..
[8:35:44 PM] neko: like i've never wanted to die, but sometimes it's all i can do to think of one single reason i wanna keep living. i exist in a greyish limbo between them.
[8:36:16 PM] neko: fear controls so much of my life, it's really hard to see past it to any kind of positive outcome.
[8:37:47 PM] Rory: that's terrifying. :/
[8:37:52 PM] neko: like i want to work, and go to school to get a degree and do something with my life, but most of the time i dread leaving the aparment that i HATE because as hellish as this place is, outside means contact with people and that's terrifying.
[8:38:01 PM] neko: xD yeah i know
[8:38:42 PM] neko: i dread getting through school and ending up like dad, listless and unable to use my degree for anything, piling up hopeless debt
[8:38:57 PM] Rory: i was similarly terrified of people when I got back into the working world.
[8:39:03 PM] neko: i worry that i'll get a degree and just be NOT GOOD ENOUGH
[8:39:59 PM] neko: i've lived tormented by social anxiety my whole life. i don't know eye colors of people i love absolutely because eye contact is so hard for me.
[8:40:11 PM] Rory: MINE ARE GREEN
[8:40:15 PM] Rory: just FYI
[8:40:32 PM] Rory: a mossy green with bits of brown and grey
[8:40:47 PM] neko: like i know kyu's eys are blue, but only because i've been told that. 10 years of dating (and more of friendship) and even his eyes i can't meet. are they blue-grey? green-blue? no idea
[8:41:54 PM] neko: mine are a dark brown, with gold tones in sunlight, but i have no idea if they match anyone else in the family, because i CAN"T LOOK without panic overwhelming me.
(a gap here as Rory filled me in on family eye colors)
[8:52:19 PM] neko: i'm not good at interpersonal relationships. they're really hard for me, so i struggle to maintain them. there are only a few people i really make that continual effort for, because i know how terrible my life would be without them in it.[8:52:34 PM] neko: i feel guilty that most of the people i'll make effort for i'm not related to.
[8:53:01 PM] neko: i try with James, and kyu (it's easier that we live together, but even before, i tried),
[8:53:50 PM] neko: i keep up with you and mom, but that's about the limit of my capacity. i wonder if there's something inherently wrong in me that i can't love more than i do, that i can't connect to a wider group.
[8:54:06 PM] neko: i love our family, but most of them are barely a step up from strangers.
[8:54:09 PM] neko: to me
[8:54:39 PM] neko: now i see jenni a few times a month, but i still wouldn't say we're lose.
[8:54:43 PM] neko: close
[8:55:13 PM] neko: we enjoy spending time together, and we both manage friendliness, but that's the best i've ever managed with her.
[8:56:08 PM] neko: with rose every time i've tried i've ended up frustrated. i only exist to her when she needs something from me, or when it's my birthday. i deserve better, so i stopped trying.
[8:56:37 PM] neko: bonnie's nice enough, but there's distance emotional and physical and neither of us really manages to overcome it. ever.
[8:57:23 PM] neko: dad is dad. he's not my poppa, that man died. this is a shell that looks like him but manages to hurt my feelings every time we meet, and never seems to notice that his words are cutting me.
[8:57:41 PM] neko: i miss you.
[8:58:07 PM] Rory: I miss you too.
[8:58:30 PM] neko: i'm crying now. XD
[8:58:51 PM] neko: i try SO HARD, but i shouldn't have to try. family should be easy.
[8:59:03 PM] Rory: I feel the same way. So if there's something wrong with you it's wrong with me too.
[8:59:03 PM] neko: even when we fought, we GOT each other.
[8:59:19 PM] neko: why can't i have that with anyone else?
[8:59:58 PM] neko: like kyu gets me better than anyone (even you) but there are still things where he just can't understand at all
[9:00:11 PM] neko: am i that complicated? that hard to connect to?
[9:00:21 PM] Rory: I don't know. :/ But I do know that we HAVE got each other, and we understand each other, even if we don't agree at all times.
[9:01:13 PM] Rory: I can't claim to know you as well as your most intimate partner for 10 years, but I know you like two very close siblings know each other.
[9:01:21 PM] neko: yeah. xD
[9:02:26 PM] neko: like today he was frustrated and he said something along the lines of "sometimes i wanna slap your whole family, because yes we're best friends, but i'm your EX-BOYFRIEND, i shouldn't be your only emotional support!"
[9:02:57 PM] neko: and it made me feel guilty, because he's pretty much right, but i feel like a lot of the disconnect is on me.
[9:03:15 PM] neko: i can't relate and relax enough to be honest with them, so of course they don't know i need help.
[9:03:39 PM] neko: you do, i'm here for you and you're there for me, but the distance makes things hard
[9:59:01 PM] Rory: my head is pounding from Michael's tantrum.
[9:59:12 PM] neko: mine is from crying.
[9:59:21 PM] Rory: oh maybe mine's from your crying too
[9:59:25 PM] Rory: stop crying
[9:59:27 PM] Rory: XD
[9:59:32 PM] neko: i did, it got stuck.
[9:59:36 PM] neko: :(
[9:59:47 PM] Rory: that's balls
[10:00:46 PM] Rory: What's your crying motivation?
[10:00:52 PM] Rory: Maybe I can milk it and draw it out?
[10:00:56 PM] neko: ah no?
[10:01:00 PM] Rory: XD
[10:01:31 PM] neko: it's feeling like a shitty human being that's a burden for everyone i care about it, too broken to ever really live a life. i'd rather not have that poked at thanks. xD
[10:01:40 PM] Rory: damn
[10:01:49 PM] neko: right?
[10:01:55 PM] Rory: you're not a burden on me if that makes a difference.
[10:01:57 PM] neko: and this is me NOT DEPRESSED
[10:01:59 PM] neko: xD
[10:02:01 PM] neko: yay!
[10:02:05 PM] neko: one down!
[10:02:12 PM] Rory: 3 to go?
[10:02:29 PM] neko: or more
[10:02:29 PM] Rory: Mom. Jonathon, James?
[10:02:36 PM] neko: basically yeah
[10:02:38 PM] Rory: XD
[10:02:59 PM] neko: those but i also feel like a burden to other people too, anyone i tangentially know sometimes
[10:03:05 PM] Rory: oh
[10:03:07 PM] Rory: that's harder
[10:03:34 PM] neko: yeah. liike "my life touched yours for half a second once. i'm sorry anything that ever when wrong for you was my fault"
so now you know, when i say "not much has happened but Pokemon" what i probably mean is "Rory and i played therapist for each other a few times and i'm too emotionally stunted to share again so i'll pretend everything is okay because asking for help is hard".
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