still fighting with my brain

song+ All the Lovers -Kylie Minogue -Aphrodite
book+ nothing
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ pleasant week overall
downer+ insomnia is scrambling my brain
attire+ pajamas
drink+ strawberry-kiwi juice

so i kinda missed my Sunday deadline on this one, insomnia had me off kilter and i thought it was Saturday all day. oops. game day was Saturday for so long that being at the store makes me think that's what it must be. i'm sure i'll adjust eventually, but the sleep deprivation didn't help with perception.

i managed to sit long enough to enjoy a few games yesterday, it does seem easier to learn than 40k, but i'm still likely to be pretty lost until i can sit and read the rulebook. still waiting for my brain to decide words aren't the enemy anymore. not being able to read has been pretty frustrating.

a midweek post? what sorcery is this?

song+ I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) -Fall Out Boy -From Under the Cork Tree
book+ Unfairest of them All- Shannon Hale
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ pleasant week overall
downer+ trouble processing written words lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

every weekend i'm all "not much is happening, except Pokemon" but i guess that's not really true. it ties into a lot of what i brought up talking to Rory on Skype, so there's gonna be some quoting going on here while i work on sharing what i'm thinking and feeling. i'm very honest, but i'm also very secretive and it's sometimes hard to balance the two.

[8:20:57 PM] Rory: HI HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
[8:21:57 PM] neko: i think i'm okay?
[8:22:35 PM] neko: like i'm not depressed, but i'm feeling more like a burden than normal, so i wanna find a job, but it needs to be something that won't send me back into the abyss i spent 3 years fighting my way out of.
[8:22:52 PM] neko: that's not going too well.
[8:23:24 PM] neko: i'm underqualified for general adult-type jobs, and overqualified for generic entry-level jobs.
[8:24:14 PM] neko: so it's frustrating. i feel like i'm not really getting anywhere, so i disteact myself with designing and pokemon, but that makes it look like i'm not trying at all, which is stressing kyu pretty badly.
[8:24:42 PM] neko: plus my insomnia's been wicked bad lately, and nothing i've tried has helped there at all.

(this section is RE:Rory's recent posts about suicide urges) 

[8:34:56 PM] neko: sometimes all you can do is try and think of why you want to live. and sometimes that's fucking hard.
[8:35:22 PM] Rory: yeah..
[8:35:44 PM] neko: like i've never wanted to die, but sometimes it's all i can do to think of one single reason i wanna keep living. i exist in a greyish limbo between them.
[8:36:16 PM] neko: fear controls so much of my life, it's really hard to see past it to any kind of positive outcome.
[8:37:47 PM] Rory: that's terrifying. :/
[8:37:52 PM] neko: like i want to work, and go to school to get a degree and do something with my life, but most of the time i dread leaving the aparment that i HATE because as hellish as this place is, outside means contact with people and that's terrifying.
[8:38:01 PM] neko: xD yeah i know
[8:38:42 PM] neko: i dread getting through school and ending up like dad, listless and unable to use my degree for anything, piling up hopeless debt
[8:38:57 PM] Rory: i was similarly terrified of people when I got back into the working world.
[8:39:03 PM] neko: i worry that i'll get a degree and just be NOT GOOD ENOUGH
[8:39:59 PM] neko: i've lived tormented by social anxiety my whole life. i don't know eye colors of people i love absolutely because eye contact is so hard for me.
[8:40:11 PM] Rory: MINE ARE GREEN
[8:40:15 PM] Rory: just FYI
[8:40:32 PM] Rory: a mossy green with bits of brown and grey
[8:40:47 PM] neko: like i know kyu's eys are blue, but only because i've been told that. 10 years of dating (and more of friendship) and even his eyes i can't meet. are they blue-grey? green-blue? no idea
[8:41:54 PM] neko: mine are a dark brown, with gold tones in sunlight, but i have no idea if they match anyone else in the family, because i CAN"T LOOK without panic overwhelming me.

(a gap here as Rory filled me in on family eye colors)

[8:52:19 PM] neko: i'm not good at interpersonal relationships. they're really hard for me, so i struggle to maintain them. there are only a few people i really make that continual effort for, because i know how terrible my life would be without them in it.
[8:52:34 PM] neko: i feel guilty that most of the people i'll make effort for i'm not related to.
[8:53:01 PM] neko: i try with James, and kyu (it's easier that we live together, but even before, i tried),
[8:53:50 PM] neko: i keep up with you and mom, but that's about the limit of my capacity. i wonder if there's something inherently wrong in me that i can't love more than i do, that i can't connect to a wider group.
[8:54:06 PM] neko: i love our family, but most of them are barely a step up from strangers.
[8:54:09 PM] neko: to me
[8:54:39 PM] neko: now i see jenni a few times a month, but i still wouldn't say we're lose.
[8:54:43 PM] neko: close
[8:55:13 PM] neko: we enjoy spending time together, and we both manage friendliness, but that's the best i've ever managed with her.
[8:56:08 PM] neko: with rose every time i've tried i've ended up frustrated. i only exist to her when she needs something from me, or when it's my birthday. i deserve better, so i stopped trying.
[8:56:37 PM] neko: bonnie's nice enough, but there's distance emotional and physical and neither of us really manages to overcome it. ever.
[8:57:23 PM] neko: dad is dad. he's not my poppa, that man died. this is a shell that looks like him but manages to hurt my feelings every time we meet, and never seems to notice that his words are cutting me.
[8:57:41 PM] neko: i miss you.
[8:58:07 PM] Rory: I miss you too.
[8:58:30 PM] neko: i'm crying now. XD
[8:58:51 PM] neko: i try SO HARD, but i shouldn't have to try. family should be easy.
[8:59:03 PM] Rory: I feel the same way. So if there's something wrong with you it's wrong with me too.
[8:59:03 PM] neko: even when we fought, we GOT each other.
[8:59:19 PM] neko: why can't i have that with anyone else?
[8:59:58 PM] neko: like kyu gets me better than anyone (even you) but there are still things where he just can't understand at all
[9:00:11 PM] neko: am i that complicated? that hard to connect to?
[9:00:21 PM] Rory: I don't know. :/ But I do know that we HAVE got each other, and we understand each other, even if we don't agree at all times.
[9:01:13 PM] Rory: I can't claim to know you as well as your most intimate partner for 10 years, but I know you like two very close siblings know each other.
[9:01:21 PM] neko: yeah. xD
[9:02:26 PM] neko: like today he was frustrated and he said something along the lines of "sometimes i wanna slap your whole family, because yes we're best friends, but i'm your EX-BOYFRIEND, i shouldn't be your only emotional support!"
[9:02:57 PM] neko: and it made me feel guilty, because he's pretty much right, but i feel like a lot of the disconnect is on me.
[9:03:15 PM] neko: i can't relate and relax enough to be honest with them, so of course they don't know i need help.
[9:03:39 PM] neko: you do, i'm here for you and you're there for me, but the distance makes things hard

[9:59:01 PM] Rory: my head is pounding from Michael's tantrum.
[9:59:12 PM] neko: mine is from crying.
[9:59:21 PM] Rory: oh maybe mine's from your crying too
[9:59:25 PM] Rory: stop crying
[9:59:27 PM] Rory: XD
[9:59:32 PM] neko: i did, it got stuck.
[9:59:36 PM] neko: :(
[9:59:47 PM] Rory: that's balls
[10:00:46 PM] Rory: What's your crying motivation?
[10:00:52 PM] Rory: Maybe I can milk it and draw it out?
[10:00:56 PM] neko: ah no?
[10:01:00 PM] Rory: XD
[10:01:31 PM] neko: it's feeling like a shitty human being that's a burden for everyone i care about it, too broken to ever really live a life. i'd rather not have that poked at thanks. xD
[10:01:40 PM] Rory: damn
[10:01:49 PM] neko: right?
[10:01:55 PM] Rory: you're not a burden on me if that makes a difference.
[10:01:57 PM] neko: and this is me NOT DEPRESSED
[10:01:59 PM] neko: xD
[10:02:01 PM] neko: yay!
[10:02:05 PM] neko: one down!
[10:02:12 PM] Rory: 3 to go?
[10:02:29 PM] neko: or more
[10:02:29 PM] Rory: Mom. Jonathon, James?
[10:02:36 PM] neko: basically yeah
[10:02:38 PM] Rory: XD
[10:02:59 PM] neko: those but i also feel like a burden to other people too, anyone i tangentially know sometimes
[10:03:05 PM] Rory: oh
[10:03:07 PM] Rory: that's harder
[10:03:34 PM] neko: yeah. liike "my life touched yours for half a second once. i'm sorry anything that ever when wrong for you was my fault"

so now you know, when i say "not much has happened but Pokemon" what i probably mean is "Rory and i played therapist for each other a few times and i'm too emotionally stunted to share again so i'll pretend everything is okay because asking for help is hard".

good times

song+ Cannonball -Lea Michele -Louder
book+ Unfairest of them All- Shannon Hale
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ pleasant week overall
downer+ trouble processing written words lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

this week was a good one. more Pokemon got played (unsurprising, i'm sure) and Thursday i had lunch out with a friend. the best part of the week was definitely yesterday though, going to the Stars/Senators game with mom, Jenni and Derek. i don't really like sports in general, but i had fun, and by the time the game was over i could even mostly follow what was going on. xD the seats were really great and the company was too. by no means am i a hockey convert, but i did have fun for sure.

in a few hours we'll be heading up to the comic shop for gaming day. i still haven't been in a place where i can sit and observe enough to figure out if i'd like playing it yet, but i like talking to the employees, and i know the regular social interaction is good for me. there's a chance i may be tired early, but that's because i've had raging insomnia this week. i didn't sleep Friday night, then got home from the game and was asleep by 7:30 or so, only to wake up at 3am. i got out of bed and did internet-y things, discovered the second books in two trilogies i've been looking forward to both release on the 25th, so if i can manage to focus long enough to process the written word i have those to look forward to this week. and more Pokemon of course. xD

a day late

song+ Runnin' -Adam Lambert -Trespassing
book+ nothing
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ plans for this weekend
downer+ my sleep schedule's wonky again
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

i didn't realize i'd missed yesterday's post until just now. oops. my excuse is (surprise) i was playing Pokemon and lost track of time. xD the games i was waiting on from Rory arrived, so i was playing them, then using them to transfer basically everything into the newest one. i like having a concrete goal for my game play, and my current goal of "collect everything" is broken down into sub-goals in my head, one of which is very close to completion (collect every legend).

game day went well, both last week and yesterday. last week four players showed and more filtered through and expressed interest in it, yesterday one of them played Kyu's spare army, and another brought in his stuff to play. it looks like there's a lot of people who WANT to play the game in the area, but until now they really had nowhere to play it, so Kyu has high hopes for the community growing now that there's a local store supporting it.

try try again

song+ Sleepwalker -Adam Lambert -For Your Entertainment
book+ nothing
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ ID stuff is taken care of
downer+ small annoyances seem huge lately
attire+ black pants, black tee with red WW logo
drink+ ginger ale

so last week's War Machine game day didn't really happen. it was decent enough for our walk up there, but other places were icy and unsafe, so none of the other players made it in. we basically spent the day eating pizza and hanging out with the employees. it was fun, but not what either of us expected out of the day. today is try 2, and at least one other player should be there. xD

i've played a lot more pokemon this week, and i'll be playing even more. it's still probably not something most of ya'll are interested in reading about unless something awesome happens. XD

Friday i made it to the newer DMV on eastchase, i was in and out with my provisional ID (and a promise that my new one would be in the mail in about two weeks) in under an hour. it's so much bigger and cleaner than the tiny one i'd always been to before. it was a much better trip than the fruitless one about two weeks ago. absolutely worth driving slightly out of the way. now my job hunt can rally pick up again.

more pokemon this week

song+ Girls Girls Boys -Panic! At the Disco -Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die
book+ nothing
quest+ finding a job!
upper+ i have most of what i need to get the ID stuff finished
downer+ small annoyances seem huge lately
attire+ black tights, boots, tank and sheer tuxedo blouse with khaki shorts
drink+ water

as mentioned last week, i've been thinking about pokemon a lot, so i've been playing pokemon a lot. i've already talked it out with most anyone who'd care, so i won't really get into it here, but that's why i don't have much else to talk about.

today is the first day of Kyu's efforts to get the comic shop (now called Wild West, though years of habit has me still referring to it as LSC's central store in my head) to run game days for War Machine. i'm gonna head up with him to watch some games. several people have said it's a better fit for me than Warhammer was, so i'm gonna watch it at least. i'm a very visual learner, so watching games get played is how i figure things out best.

i plan to have my art bag in case it's just totally not my thing. i have ideas for dresses for my EAH girls, that i think are pretty true to their established aesthetic and characterization, while embracing a more modern flavor, so we'll see if i can articulate those designs on paper enough to start figuring out patterns for a new teeny doll type. xD