State of the Neko address: week 30

song+ the Day We Fell Apart- Kelly Clarkson- All I Ever Wanted
book+ Overstreet Comic Book Price Guide 2010
scent+ fried chicken
quest+ getting Carina
upper+ i'm slowly making progress on most efforts
downer+ i am pitifully poor
attire+ work clothes
drink+ milk

i got most of our bedroom shifted this weekend. i also got the three loads of laundry Kyu did folded and put away neatly, so that’s even better. xD tonight i think i'll be able to start doing the spare-time data entry i'll be earning store credit through. space has to be cleared at my desk for the book i'll be using as reference first, but that shouldn’t take too long at all. lots of cleanup needs to be done in the larger room to make it ready to be an office, but i probably won’t get to that until this weekend, it’s not really after-work work, so it’ll wait.

in between shifting things in the apartment, not-earning store credit, and not-painting my army i've been working on sketching out a floor plan of the building i keep seeing in my visions. i figure if it’s sketched up and i show it around, maybe someone can help me figure out what it is. it can’t hurt anything to try and find out. *shrug* and i'm not exactly terrible at sketching or floor plans, so while not perfectly to scale, you do get a general idea from what i've done so far. xD if i can, i'll share the completed thing soonish.

my first payment on Carina has been confirmed (sometimes it takes a while) and Iplehouse is aware of my intention to pay her off early October, so if i'm lucky, she really could ship to me around my birthday, which would be absolutely awesome! xD someone on DoA managed to get to a store in Tokyo actually displaying her (and Theo), they took pictures and shared them and while her jaw line looks a bit more masculine in some of the shots, she’s even more gorgeous un-photo shopped and i'm positive ordering her was the right choice for me. i'm totally psyched about getting her home and doing her face up and taking photos and playing with her and Eve. in spite of being my biggest, heaviest dolls, they’re the easiest to play with by far. xD i don’t get it, but i'm okay with it. this time i even remembered to list the office here at work as my shipping address, so i should avoid any complications with her being undeliverable when no one’s home, which happens frequently to me. if she gets delivered to work, then for sure someone’s here to sign for her.

this week has also included efforts on my part to reconnect with friends i lost through ego (not always my own) and stubbornness. we'll see how the efforts work out, but so far things look promising. *next week i may be going to see a movie with one of them. happy dance* i do miss having a few more friends than just the ones i work with. maybe reconnecting would be easier with the aid of facebook or something, but then i'd also be at risk of messages from people i'd really rather not reconnect with.. like a good chunk of the old crowd from early high school that turned toxic when i made choices for my own well being instead of theirs. -_-; not people i'd like spewing venom at me again. in fact, i think i'd rather have a tea party with Satan himself than try talking to some of them again, and i don't even drink tea! xD

sure there's a chance they've done some growing up in the past 5 or 6 years, but i'd rather give them space and not risk repeated backstabbing. just thinking about some of the tings i was accused of doing (but never to my face) makes me angry. if they ever seriously believed i could do those things, then not only were they the fakest kind of friend, they were straight up stupid too. ugh. i've never been the kind of person who'd be fake and hurt others for personal gain, i bend over backwards to help my friends, often at the expense of my own pleasure. i'll admit i can be horrendously selfish, but only when it won't hurt someone else. i've also had my own feelings trampled enough to know honesty in matters of the heart is the only path, so i don't pretend to like people, and if i can' return a feeling, i'll tell you up front. finding out after the fact that all my supposed friends believed stories spread by one bitter person whose anger was almost entirely unfounded, and mostly misdirected, really sucked. i believe in faithfulness. i'd never lie about loving someone and fool around with someone else behind their back. as a result of childhood counseling, i NEVER lie about how i feel at any moment to anyone who matters to me, it's not always the most pleasant interaction, but it's healthier. ending the relationship before i got with Kyu wasn't my choice. at every opportunity, every time i was tested (real love doesn't need to be proven, you simply know it's true) i chose faithfulness. i chose the loyalty that i'd promised (and the misery it brought me) over the possible happiness i was offered with Kyu, and when the other party ended things deciding i still couldn't be trusted, i waited about 4 days before agreeing to try dating Kyu.. how on earth could that end up being told as i cheated with Kyu while still in a relationship with someone else? please, i really can't see how that intuitive leap was made, someone enlighten me? ugh. yeah, avoiding a rehash of that drama is preferable. it was thrown back at me when i joined myspace and everyone who believed it took turns harassing me about it, hence abandoning it after 2 weeks or so. so yeah, no facebook for Neko.

but yeah, moving past that drama, i'm happy now with Kyu. not blissful, but happy, and i certainly don't regret trying a relationship with him when it would have been easier to make myself a hermit and avoid all social situations at that point in time. the past 8 and a half years have been overall awesome, and i'm happy i decided to do the harder-but-more-rewarding thing. that doesn't keep me from wanting more, but i want more from myself, for my future, not from him. xD i've always wanted more, not always more of anything i can articulate, just MORE. i want everything, but i don't want it handed to me,.i want to feel like it's really mine, like i earned it, and i want to know what i'm supposed to do to get to where i can get it for myself.