Friday, November 25, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 92
this week i'm having too much fun with Rory for a real post. sorry. xD
Friday, November 18, 2011
Halloween doll meet photos
it's about a month after the fact, but i have the pictures i took at the Halloween doll meet now. xD it took until now for my SD card to decide to play nice with my computer. i took Althea and Amelia (in no costumes, but new clothes none the less) after finally painting them up, and FaithAnn dressed as the big bad wolf to coordinate with mom's Charity being dressed as red riding hood.
that's all this post is for though, pictures that i meant to share a month ago. xD
that's all this post is for though, pictures that i meant to share a month ago. xD
Thursday, November 17, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 91, part 2
song+ listening to the Aw Yeah Podcast
book+ nothing presently
quest+ getting the office ready for Roro
upper+ i'm painting successfully
downer+ everything? X.x
attire+ winter pajamas
drink+ milk
i wanna thank everyone i've managed to talk to this week, you've all been helpful in pulling myself from the funk i'm fighting off.yesterday i reached my biggest leap toward feeling normal again. Sunday i'd texted Moose asking if we could hang out sometime this week, and yesterday was the best day for her, so we did errands and met up with Kayla and then Eric and all had lunch together and enjoyed talking. after that was done i went home with Moose and Eric and we just talked on the couch while he did homework for his music class. by the time i made it home at 6-ish, i was feeling better, and i had ideas for paintings to work on, so i did that while listening to my iPod, or talking to Roro when he called me.
i don't feel normal again yet, but i do feel lighter, and today i'm still feeling motivated, so i'm about to get back to the painting that i left undone when sleepiness claimed me at like 10:30 last night. i'm at three and a half paintings this week, which is kinda astronomical for me. generally i finish one or two and my feelings are expunged and i feel no further desire to paint. i'd say about 98% of my paintings serve as therapy for me, the rest are more "i had a cool idea, can i pull it off?". i suppose there's a possibility that i'll just keep painting until i run out of canvases, at this point that's not really very many more.
really i should be working on clearing out space for Roro in the office, but not feeling depressed seemed more important to me. also Kyu has offered to help with the last bit after work tonight, so i get painting time leading up to that. xD i also need to figure out which box has my high school transcript in it so i can finish up the college application process. i know it's up there in one of the boxes, i think one of the half-packed boxes, i just have to get around to finding it.
book+ nothing presently
quest+ getting the office ready for Roro
upper+ i'm painting successfully
downer+ everything? X.x
attire+ winter pajamas
drink+ milk
i wanna thank everyone i've managed to talk to this week, you've all been helpful in pulling myself from the funk i'm fighting off.yesterday i reached my biggest leap toward feeling normal again. Sunday i'd texted Moose asking if we could hang out sometime this week, and yesterday was the best day for her, so we did errands and met up with Kayla and then Eric and all had lunch together and enjoyed talking. after that was done i went home with Moose and Eric and we just talked on the couch while he did homework for his music class. by the time i made it home at 6-ish, i was feeling better, and i had ideas for paintings to work on, so i did that while listening to my iPod, or talking to Roro when he called me.
i don't feel normal again yet, but i do feel lighter, and today i'm still feeling motivated, so i'm about to get back to the painting that i left undone when sleepiness claimed me at like 10:30 last night. i'm at three and a half paintings this week, which is kinda astronomical for me. generally i finish one or two and my feelings are expunged and i feel no further desire to paint. i'd say about 98% of my paintings serve as therapy for me, the rest are more "i had a cool idea, can i pull it off?". i suppose there's a possibility that i'll just keep painting until i run out of canvases, at this point that's not really very many more.
really i should be working on clearing out space for Roro in the office, but not feeling depressed seemed more important to me. also Kyu has offered to help with the last bit after work tonight, so i get painting time leading up to that. xD i also need to figure out which box has my high school transcript in it so i can finish up the college application process. i know it's up there in one of the boxes, i think one of the half-packed boxes, i just have to get around to finding it.
Monday, November 14, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 91 (gloom)
song+ Bach/Break- August Rush
book+ FFXIII guide as i work on 100% completion
quest+ not feeling like i do
upper+ umm.. i have plenty of milk?
downer+ being unable to shake this gloom
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ milk
i'm miserably unhappy. the lengths i've gone to thus far to combat my mounting depression seem fruitless.i still feel myself slipping constantly, and now i'm teetering on the rink of that part of depression that's almost entirely rage. i find myself angry with people i haven't spoken to in nearly a decade, remembering sleights i thought i'd moved beyond in the few relationships i do maintain. i'm angry at myself for handling things as i have, and with the universe for giving me so much to handle, though i really do believe we're never given more than we're capable of handling. i'm terrified that when my life ends i'll never have touched another in a meaningful (non-family) way.
i'm at a point where i'm angry and frustrated and i don't even know who i'm meant to be. to my mind, Anne is who i was born as, and for the most part she was miserable and lonely and not a great person to be around. she hated everything and blamed everyone for her unhappiness. there are parts of who i used to be that i cut off ruthlessly when i felt like Anne no longer deserved to exist. i taught myself not to cry or show other outward signs of weakness (and sadly i've yet to shake this, maybe cheering up would be easier if i could have a good cry). i learned to share parts of what i was feeling to foster relationships with other people (which has always been terrifyingly difficult for me) though listening to their issues has always been easy. i have no lack of compassion for other people, it's just really hard to open up and trust them. Faythe is who i chose to grow into, she's a stronger person, more capable of accepting responsibility and trying for the things she wants. the shift from Anne to Faythe happened when i was in junior high and my world was ending anyway. i thought to myself that if i had to rebuild my world, i might as well rebuild myself at the same time. when i became Faythe i found myself with more than two legitimate friends for the first time, it was amazing (if short-lived) and such immediately apparent results made the efforts worth it. by the time i was done with high school i was pretty firmly established as Faythe in most of my relationships. Neko is the shape of my soul, all my creative impulses and my deepest emotions, the things that are mine alone and untouched by others. very few people have seen that part of me because i feel a fierce need to keep her safe.
my problem now is i don't really feel like any of those people, i feel like a blobby shapeless mass of nothing. if i can't even figure out who i'm meant to be, how am i supposed to figure out how to make myself happy? Kyu suggested that maybe i should go back to church. ordinarily if someone was floundering and seeking direction in their life i'd say the same. finding strength in your belief works most of the time based on observation and experience. the thing is, i don't have a church. oh i was raised LDS/Mormon sure, but i don't identify with it. i have a firm grasp of the core belief structure, and a respect for the tons of people i know that live it in their everyday lives, but it never quite felt right for me. i looked elsewhere for the answers that faith couldn't provide me and i'm now content with my own mish-mash of unofficial anything. i don't follow a standard pattern of worship, but what i do feels comfortable to me, and that's all i want out of my faith- comfort. that leaves me with no person to person interaction though, no fellowship. pretty much all i can do for direction is pray and consult my tarot deck, which i do, but there's always that margin of hopeful thinking in my interpretation of the cards. it's really not the same as a second opinion from a tangible other person.
i don't want to be angry and unhappy anymore, i just don't know how to fix it. i've tried pretty much everything at this point.. except tracking down the people i'm angry at but not in regular contact with. i really don't see how spilling my misery and rage all over them out of nowhere would make anything better though. of the three best friends i ever had, the only one i'm not angry with is the first. i did carry some resentment for a while over misunderstandings and imagined sleights, but i got past that a few years ago when we reconnected, and i was beyond thrilled for her when she got married this year. best friend 2, i'm pissed at the wreck that our relationship became. yes, i made some mistakes, but not the ones she told everyone i did. i also didn't deserve the duplicity and backstabbing when i did try to be her friend again toward the end of high school. i've had numerous signs from the universe in the last year that maybe we should reconnect, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to, and trying now would make things worse (if that's at all possible). i need to be at a place where i can honestly tell her the mistakes i did make, and clarify the misunderstandings that grew into an enormous drama ball that colored 3 years of schooling negatively. and best friend 3? she ripped my heart out when she vanished into thin air and i just stopped existing to her. i'm pissed about being abandoned and i just want some freakin' closure there. i wanna know how much of that friendship was lies and convenience, because you just don't treat people like she did me in the end. it's not right. i did everything i could to try and maintain that friendship, things that were FAR outside my comfort zone, and when i was no longer worth anything at all she dropped off the face of the planet. i've been wondering for 4 years now if she's okay, if something happened or if i just meant less than i thought i did to her. i'm kinda pissed at myself for still loving her enough to worry.
book+ FFXIII guide as i work on 100% completion
quest+ not feeling like i do
upper+ umm.. i have plenty of milk?
downer+ being unable to shake this gloom
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ milk
i'm miserably unhappy. the lengths i've gone to thus far to combat my mounting depression seem fruitless.i still feel myself slipping constantly, and now i'm teetering on the rink of that part of depression that's almost entirely rage. i find myself angry with people i haven't spoken to in nearly a decade, remembering sleights i thought i'd moved beyond in the few relationships i do maintain. i'm angry at myself for handling things as i have, and with the universe for giving me so much to handle, though i really do believe we're never given more than we're capable of handling. i'm terrified that when my life ends i'll never have touched another in a meaningful (non-family) way.
i'm at a point where i'm angry and frustrated and i don't even know who i'm meant to be. to my mind, Anne is who i was born as, and for the most part she was miserable and lonely and not a great person to be around. she hated everything and blamed everyone for her unhappiness. there are parts of who i used to be that i cut off ruthlessly when i felt like Anne no longer deserved to exist. i taught myself not to cry or show other outward signs of weakness (and sadly i've yet to shake this, maybe cheering up would be easier if i could have a good cry). i learned to share parts of what i was feeling to foster relationships with other people (which has always been terrifyingly difficult for me) though listening to their issues has always been easy. i have no lack of compassion for other people, it's just really hard to open up and trust them. Faythe is who i chose to grow into, she's a stronger person, more capable of accepting responsibility and trying for the things she wants. the shift from Anne to Faythe happened when i was in junior high and my world was ending anyway. i thought to myself that if i had to rebuild my world, i might as well rebuild myself at the same time. when i became Faythe i found myself with more than two legitimate friends for the first time, it was amazing (if short-lived) and such immediately apparent results made the efforts worth it. by the time i was done with high school i was pretty firmly established as Faythe in most of my relationships. Neko is the shape of my soul, all my creative impulses and my deepest emotions, the things that are mine alone and untouched by others. very few people have seen that part of me because i feel a fierce need to keep her safe.
my problem now is i don't really feel like any of those people, i feel like a blobby shapeless mass of nothing. if i can't even figure out who i'm meant to be, how am i supposed to figure out how to make myself happy? Kyu suggested that maybe i should go back to church. ordinarily if someone was floundering and seeking direction in their life i'd say the same. finding strength in your belief works most of the time based on observation and experience. the thing is, i don't have a church. oh i was raised LDS/Mormon sure, but i don't identify with it. i have a firm grasp of the core belief structure, and a respect for the tons of people i know that live it in their everyday lives, but it never quite felt right for me. i looked elsewhere for the answers that faith couldn't provide me and i'm now content with my own mish-mash of unofficial anything. i don't follow a standard pattern of worship, but what i do feels comfortable to me, and that's all i want out of my faith- comfort. that leaves me with no person to person interaction though, no fellowship. pretty much all i can do for direction is pray and consult my tarot deck, which i do, but there's always that margin of hopeful thinking in my interpretation of the cards. it's really not the same as a second opinion from a tangible other person.
i don't want to be angry and unhappy anymore, i just don't know how to fix it. i've tried pretty much everything at this point.. except tracking down the people i'm angry at but not in regular contact with. i really don't see how spilling my misery and rage all over them out of nowhere would make anything better though. of the three best friends i ever had, the only one i'm not angry with is the first. i did carry some resentment for a while over misunderstandings and imagined sleights, but i got past that a few years ago when we reconnected, and i was beyond thrilled for her when she got married this year. best friend 2, i'm pissed at the wreck that our relationship became. yes, i made some mistakes, but not the ones she told everyone i did. i also didn't deserve the duplicity and backstabbing when i did try to be her friend again toward the end of high school. i've had numerous signs from the universe in the last year that maybe we should reconnect, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to, and trying now would make things worse (if that's at all possible). i need to be at a place where i can honestly tell her the mistakes i did make, and clarify the misunderstandings that grew into an enormous drama ball that colored 3 years of schooling negatively. and best friend 3? she ripped my heart out when she vanished into thin air and i just stopped existing to her. i'm pissed about being abandoned and i just want some freakin' closure there. i wanna know how much of that friendship was lies and convenience, because you just don't treat people like she did me in the end. it's not right. i did everything i could to try and maintain that friendship, things that were FAR outside my comfort zone, and when i was no longer worth anything at all she dropped off the face of the planet. i've been wondering for 4 years now if she's okay, if something happened or if i just meant less than i thought i did to her. i'm kinda pissed at myself for still loving her enough to worry.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 90
song+ the Last Song- All-American Rejects- All-American Rejects
book+ the Next Always- Nora Roberts
quest+ preparing the office for Roro's visit
upper+ it's mostly organization left to do
downer+ feeling overwhelmingly blah
attire+ pajamas, a hoodie, and fluffy socks
drink+ water
man, how is it Wednesday already? i've been distracted again. after ignoring it for a year, i finally finished my FF13 save file. at least i finished story mode, i'm now working on all the side quests. xD i suppose i finished it right in time to get excited about FF13-2, which is due to come out in January.. maybe by then i'll be able to afford to buy it.
i kinda feel like i should have something notable to say, but i don't. haven't for a while really. i'm feeling kinda blah and out of sorts as i fight looming depression off. i'm working on getting the apartment ready for Roro's Thanksgiving visit, but mostly i find myself thinking "do i really wanna do ANYTHING?" on a pretty much daily basis. like today it's too chilly for me to wanna do anything outside, and i'm wanting a break from controller-induced hand cramps, so i think i'm gonna put on some fluffy socks and curl up in bed with a stack of books. i have one new one on the kindle, then after that i'll just re-read some of the zillions i have on various shelving units around the apartment. okay, i'll admit zillions is a bit of hyperbole, but i do have plenty to choose from.
book+ the Next Always- Nora Roberts
quest+ preparing the office for Roro's visit
upper+ it's mostly organization left to do
downer+ feeling overwhelmingly blah
attire+ pajamas, a hoodie, and fluffy socks
drink+ water
man, how is it Wednesday already? i've been distracted again. after ignoring it for a year, i finally finished my FF13 save file. at least i finished story mode, i'm now working on all the side quests. xD i suppose i finished it right in time to get excited about FF13-2, which is due to come out in January.. maybe by then i'll be able to afford to buy it.
i kinda feel like i should have something notable to say, but i don't. haven't for a while really. i'm feeling kinda blah and out of sorts as i fight looming depression off. i'm working on getting the apartment ready for Roro's Thanksgiving visit, but mostly i find myself thinking "do i really wanna do ANYTHING?" on a pretty much daily basis. like today it's too chilly for me to wanna do anything outside, and i'm wanting a break from controller-induced hand cramps, so i think i'm gonna put on some fluffy socks and curl up in bed with a stack of books. i have one new one on the kindle, then after that i'll just re-read some of the zillions i have on various shelving units around the apartment. okay, i'll admit zillions is a bit of hyperbole, but i do have plenty to choose from.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 89
song+ Whiplash- Selena Gomez & the Scene- When the Sun Goes Down
book+ research for various projects
quest+ uh finishing my TK army list?
upper+ Thanksgiving is approaching!
downer+ Halloween has passed (it's totally my favorite holiday like ever)
attire+ pajamas. the warm ones
drink+ water
so i'm late with posting this week. i've been distracted by everything ever. this week has had book reading (more research than pleasure), tv episode marathons (30 Rock), completing Final Fantasy 3, and getting halfway through Final Fantasy 4. plus actual socializing! xD on Halloween i actually attended a party for an hour or two, and since my friend Krista works at the dentist literally right across the street from my apartment complex, i've been spending the hour between her getting off work (at 5) and being picked up (at 6 when her fiance arrives) with her most days. i keep meaning to share something, but nothing has really happened that seems worth sharing. X.x
i've been really wanting to play some of my PS2 games lately, so i'm frustrated that it died almost a year ago. the spinny thing stopped spinning and the reader fritzed at the same time, so yeah, no gaming on that for Neko. *sigh* i've wanted to play Dragon Quest 8 for months now, and only recently i was struck with the inexplicable urge to play Blitzball in Final Fantasy 10. i've always hated it before, but for some reason i wanna craft a competitive team now and finally figure it out. for those that never played FFX, Blitzball is kinda a hybrid hockey/soccer game that's played by teams of 6 swimmers entirely underwater. it's hard to pick up and for someone who just wants to play the story of the game, the one time you're forced to blitz, you grow to loathe it and become disinclined to try it ever again. for some reason i now think i want to though? ..but i can't because my PS2 is dead and i have no funds to get it repaired or replaced.
so yeah, things have been pretty boring around here..
book+ research for various projects
quest+ uh finishing my TK army list?
upper+ Thanksgiving is approaching!
downer+ Halloween has passed (it's totally my favorite holiday like ever)
attire+ pajamas. the warm ones
drink+ water
so i'm late with posting this week. i've been distracted by everything ever. this week has had book reading (more research than pleasure), tv episode marathons (30 Rock), completing Final Fantasy 3, and getting halfway through Final Fantasy 4. plus actual socializing! xD on Halloween i actually attended a party for an hour or two, and since my friend Krista works at the dentist literally right across the street from my apartment complex, i've been spending the hour between her getting off work (at 5) and being picked up (at 6 when her fiance arrives) with her most days. i keep meaning to share something, but nothing has really happened that seems worth sharing. X.x
i've been really wanting to play some of my PS2 games lately, so i'm frustrated that it died almost a year ago. the spinny thing stopped spinning and the reader fritzed at the same time, so yeah, no gaming on that for Neko. *sigh* i've wanted to play Dragon Quest 8 for months now, and only recently i was struck with the inexplicable urge to play Blitzball in Final Fantasy 10. i've always hated it before, but for some reason i wanna craft a competitive team now and finally figure it out. for those that never played FFX, Blitzball is kinda a hybrid hockey/soccer game that's played by teams of 6 swimmers entirely underwater. it's hard to pick up and for someone who just wants to play the story of the game, the one time you're forced to blitz, you grow to loathe it and become disinclined to try it ever again. for some reason i now think i want to though? ..but i can't because my PS2 is dead and i have no funds to get it repaired or replaced.
so yeah, things have been pretty boring around here..
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