State of the Neko address: week 91 (gloom)

song+ Bach/Break- August Rush
book+ FFXIII guide as i work on 100% completion
quest+ not feeling like i do
upper+ umm.. i have plenty of milk?
downer+ being unable to shake this gloom
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ milk

i'm miserably unhappy. the lengths i've gone to thus far to combat my mounting depression seem fruitless.i still feel myself slipping constantly, and now i'm teetering on the rink of that part of depression that's almost entirely rage. i find myself angry with people i haven't spoken to in nearly a decade, remembering sleights i thought i'd moved beyond in the few relationships i do maintain. i'm angry at myself for handling things as i have, and with the universe for giving me so much to handle, though i really do believe we're never given more than we're capable of handling. i'm terrified that when my life ends i'll never have touched another in a meaningful (non-family) way.

i'm at a point where i'm angry and frustrated and i don't even know who i'm meant to be. to my mind, Anne is who i was born as, and for the most part she was miserable and lonely and not a great person to be around. she hated everything and blamed everyone for her unhappiness. there are parts of who i used to be that i cut off ruthlessly when i felt like Anne no longer deserved to exist. i taught myself not to cry or show other outward signs of weakness (and sadly i've yet to shake this, maybe cheering up would be easier if i could have a good cry). i learned to share parts of what i was feeling to foster relationships with other people (which has always been terrifyingly difficult for me) though listening to their issues has always been easy. i have no lack of compassion for other people, it's just really hard to open up and trust them. Faythe is who i chose to grow into, she's a stronger person, more capable of accepting responsibility and trying for the things she wants. the shift from Anne to Faythe happened when i was in junior high and my world was ending anyway. i thought to myself that if i had to rebuild my world, i might as well rebuild myself at the same time. when i became Faythe i found myself with more than two legitimate friends for the first time, it was amazing (if short-lived) and such immediately apparent results made the efforts worth it. by the time i was done with high school i was pretty firmly established as Faythe in most of my relationships. Neko is the shape of my soul, all my creative impulses and my deepest emotions, the things that are mine alone and untouched by others. very few people have seen that part of me because i feel a fierce need to keep her safe.

my problem now is i don't really feel like any of those people, i feel like a blobby shapeless mass of nothing. if i can't even figure out who i'm meant to be, how am i supposed to figure out how to make myself happy? Kyu suggested that maybe i should go back to church. ordinarily if someone was floundering and seeking direction in their life i'd say the same. finding strength in your belief works most of the time based on observation and experience. the thing is, i don't have a church. oh i was raised LDS/Mormon sure, but i don't identify with it. i have a firm grasp of the core belief structure, and a respect for the tons of people i know that live it in their everyday lives, but it never quite felt right for me. i looked elsewhere for the answers that faith couldn't provide me and i'm now content with my own mish-mash of unofficial anything. i don't follow a standard pattern of worship, but what i do feels comfortable to me, and that's all i want out of my faith- comfort. that leaves me with no person to person interaction though, no fellowship. pretty much all i can do for direction is pray and consult my tarot deck, which i do, but there's always that margin of hopeful thinking in my interpretation of the cards. it's really not the same as a second opinion from a tangible other person.

i don't want to be angry and unhappy anymore, i just don't know how to fix it. i've tried pretty much everything at this point.. except tracking down the people i'm angry at but not in regular contact with. i really don't see how spilling my misery and rage all over them out of nowhere would make anything better though. of the three best friends i ever had, the only one i'm not angry with is the first. i did carry some resentment for a while over misunderstandings and imagined sleights, but i got past that a few years ago when we reconnected, and i was beyond thrilled for her when she got married this year. best friend 2, i'm pissed at the wreck that our relationship became. yes, i made some mistakes, but not the ones she told everyone i did. i also didn't deserve the duplicity and backstabbing when i did try to be her friend again toward the end of high school. i've had numerous signs from the universe in the last year that maybe we should reconnect, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to, and trying now would make things worse (if that's at all possible). i need to be at a place where i can honestly tell her the mistakes i did make, and clarify the misunderstandings that grew into an enormous drama ball that colored 3 years of schooling negatively. and best friend 3? she ripped my heart out when she vanished into thin air and i just stopped existing to her. i'm pissed about being abandoned and i just want some freakin' closure there. i wanna know how much of that friendship was lies and convenience, because you just don't treat people like she did me in the end. it's not right. i did everything i could to try and maintain that friendship, things that were FAR outside my comfort zone, and when i was no longer worth anything at all she dropped off the face of the planet. i've been wondering for 4 years now if she's okay, if something happened or if i just meant less than i thought i did to her. i'm kinda pissed at myself for still loving her enough to worry.