song+ Light Up the World- Glee
book+ no time to read for now
quest+ cleaning and packing
upper+ umm new year, new start?
downer+ health issues
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk
my resolution to post Monday this week clearly didn't happen. between Kyu's kidney stones, Christmas, Moose's birthday breakfast and more dealing with the kidney stones there was enough stress building that i found myself sick as a dog Wednesday and Thursday. i'm feeling considerably better today though, so i'm trying to get back to something at least vaguely resembling productivity.
it's very nearly next year already, and naturally this has made me reflect on what 2011 was for me, and sadly the overall impression it leaves me with is disappointment for multiple reasons. i'm determined that 2012 will be better. i started this year thinking i'd turn things around and be brilliant at everything, making the whole world awesome in the process, then after a very short time and a series of freakouts i realized that not only would that not happen for me, the steps i was taking were really just wasting time i should have been using to do more productive things. halfway through the year i realized i was slipping further into a depression so deep i was having trouble motivating myself to do basic things like eat or shower. toward the end of the year efforts to break that perpetual slide brought about an almost frenzied drive to create artistic things, and while that helped a little, it burned through my supplies pretty quickly. what did finally stop that slide was as out of my control as the depression itself, and while i do feel substantially brighter now, i'm still not happy, and i'm out of canvas and a few other artistic things i burned through.
my focus now is continuing the project i keep putting aside: cleaning the apartment, sorting through then getting rid of or packing the things i find. our lease is up in about three months and we want to live somewhere we don't hate. honestly we're probably closer to loathing at this point, and i'm being entirely realistic when i say that even with three months to get ready to move we may cut it close, just based on the sheer volume of stuff we own. we own less now than we did a month ago, but it's slow going and i still have tons to go through.
so in closing something completely unrelated to anything else. for Christmas Kyu got me Zelda Skyward Sword. turns out i can't play it since i'm without the "motion plus" add-on for either of my controllers. xD we're gonna see if we can get one this weekend, but yeah. the one present i really wanted, and i can't play it.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 96, part 2
song+ Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again- Glee (still a supremely awesome duet)
book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ umm baking adventures?
upper+ yay Christmas!
downer+ Kyu's having health issues
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ milk
so in an effort to eat better Kyu and i bought fruit last weekend. i forgot that i don't really like eating fruit on its own though, and Kyu is incapable of eating an entire cluster of bananas before they go soft and brown. so i figured i'd look up recipes to bake with them and the berries so they're not wasted. not thinking it through i googled "fruity muffin awesome" and was surprised to actually end up with muffin recipes. xD so yeah, baking will happen soon around here i guess.. blackberry muffins and banana bread.
in other news, Kyu's kidney stones flared up again. Wednesday involved a hospital trip, and Thursday was laying in bed feeling like death until Wolfie could take me to pick up Kyu's prescriptions. he's not recovered yet, but with the hydrocodone he's not feeling so upset about it. maybe this time we'll actually follow the dietary guidelines he's been told about for more than like a month and we can minimize the odds of a flareup happening again.
today i finally finished my Christmas preparation though. i got the tree set up and the ornaments put on it. the gifts are wrapped neatly and labeled, placed under the tree for another two days. xD i also finished the painting for Moose, we're exchanging art this year. no pictures yet, but the one i did for her is titled "Moose-splosion" and i'm pretty pleased with it. xD i also have the painting i'm giving to Poppa put aside so i remember to bring it to him Sunday.
i have been dealing with a minor allergic reaction though. yesterday Moose picked me up so we could do my hair and i ate a bowl of cereal at her place. a few bites in i realized it had almond slivers in it. while i'm sure i picked out most of them, a few made it through, and there was powdery residue in the milk so i'm dealing with an itchy semi-swollen throat today, and mild nausea. it could be far worse though, and it has been, so i'm taking comfort in my capacity to speak and eat.
but yeah, in summary this week's first half was uneventful, and the second half has been plenty exciting. kinda sick but not really, and getting better already. hair re-greened and a new self-portrait done. xD whoo!
book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ umm baking adventures?
upper+ yay Christmas!
downer+ Kyu's having health issues
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ milk
so in an effort to eat better Kyu and i bought fruit last weekend. i forgot that i don't really like eating fruit on its own though, and Kyu is incapable of eating an entire cluster of bananas before they go soft and brown. so i figured i'd look up recipes to bake with them and the berries so they're not wasted. not thinking it through i googled "fruity muffin awesome" and was surprised to actually end up with muffin recipes. xD so yeah, baking will happen soon around here i guess.. blackberry muffins and banana bread.
in other news, Kyu's kidney stones flared up again. Wednesday involved a hospital trip, and Thursday was laying in bed feeling like death until Wolfie could take me to pick up Kyu's prescriptions. he's not recovered yet, but with the hydrocodone he's not feeling so upset about it. maybe this time we'll actually follow the dietary guidelines he's been told about for more than like a month and we can minimize the odds of a flareup happening again.
today i finally finished my Christmas preparation though. i got the tree set up and the ornaments put on it. the gifts are wrapped neatly and labeled, placed under the tree for another two days. xD i also finished the painting for Moose, we're exchanging art this year. no pictures yet, but the one i did for her is titled "Moose-splosion" and i'm pretty pleased with it. xD i also have the painting i'm giving to Poppa put aside so i remember to bring it to him Sunday.
i have been dealing with a minor allergic reaction though. yesterday Moose picked me up so we could do my hair and i ate a bowl of cereal at her place. a few bites in i realized it had almond slivers in it. while i'm sure i picked out most of them, a few made it through, and there was powdery residue in the milk so i'm dealing with an itchy semi-swollen throat today, and mild nausea. it could be far worse though, and it has been, so i'm taking comfort in my capacity to speak and eat.
but yeah, in summary this week's first half was uneventful, and the second half has been plenty exciting. kinda sick but not really, and getting better already. hair re-greened and a new self-portrait done. xD whoo!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 96
song+ As The World Falls Down- David Bowie -Labyrinth
book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ getting my hair green again
upper+ i have the best boyfriend in the history of ever
downer+ Kyu's feeling down
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ root beer float
another week, another post. while i'm doing better at not waiting until Friday, i'm aiming to maybe actually hit Monday next week. i'm only off by a few hours this time! xD still feeling fantastic and beyond thrilled not to be wallowing in gloom for the foreseeable future.
so basically the catalyst for my not being a depressed gloomy-butt for the rest of eternity is that Kyu managed to get in touch with Umi for a (very brief) exchange a week and some ago. i didn't talk about it last week as there was still a chance that it would continue. it didn't so now i can talk of it without feeling like im jinxing something. i feel better than i have in YEARS.
for the unaware- i hadn't heard from her in about 6 years, and no efforts of mine were the slightest bit successful in reaching her again. Kyu had one avenue available to him that i didn't, and because he loves me and was willing to try anything to bring me happiness, he used it and exchanged a few messages with her before she vanished off the face of the earth again. there's still tons i want to say, and Kyu needs to say, but i heard what i needed to hear: she's moved on and i can too.
i feel free again, and while this renewed sense of abandonment has driven Kyu to new lows, his moods are improving already. he's better this week than he was last week. i'm even more in love with him now than i was two weeks ago, and i want him to be happy again. i'm certain that he will be though before too much longer. he's come around to the "damned if i'll be anyone's backup choice" mentality and that's made letting go of his residual feelings easier. it feels to him like we were being kept on a line as a backup in case the life she's been building fell apart, and we deserve better.
i want Umi to be happy, and if marrying the guy she's been dating since she dropped off the face of the planet (to us at least) makes her happy then i'm all for it. i'm doing better knowing that she doesn't need me, so i don't have to feel bad for growing beyond needing her. i'll probably always love her a little bit, just because she was such a major part of a hugely traumatic part of my life, but i'm not letting that residual affection control me any more.
other than the new sense of freedom, i'm focusing on Christmas. i didn't realize how close it was, so i need to wrap the gifts this week, and set up our tree. xD i do have to figure out what we're doing for Christmas this year actually. i think that Kyu's promised at Grandpa's which is possibly the same time as the family gathering at Bonnie's which i kinda promised i'd attend. i've got until this weekend to figure it out though, so we'll see what we end up doing.
sometime this week i'm hoping Moose will be able to help me dye my hair green again too. now that the semester's over the time that was being used for her classes should be free. i found the bleach, so really all that's missing is a few hours and a little green dye. xD i have two partial bottles, but as they're not the same shade, i think i'll still need to buy a new one.. i did cut my hair last week, partly as a symbolic letting go of who i was forcing myself to be, and partly to push myself into more human behavioral patterns. so it won't take nearly as much dye to got the job done, but i think it'll still take slightly more than i have on-hand. i really miss having green hair, it felt entirely true to me, and actually worked pretty well with my skin tone, so i'm hoping to be back to it by Christmas.
also, i've done some dolling in anticipation of my new (old) hair color.
summer clothes, and two outfits i'm contemplating for this Christmas.
book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ getting my hair green again
upper+ i have the best boyfriend in the history of ever
downer+ Kyu's feeling down
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ root beer float
another week, another post. while i'm doing better at not waiting until Friday, i'm aiming to maybe actually hit Monday next week. i'm only off by a few hours this time! xD still feeling fantastic and beyond thrilled not to be wallowing in gloom for the foreseeable future.
so basically the catalyst for my not being a depressed gloomy-butt for the rest of eternity is that Kyu managed to get in touch with Umi for a (very brief) exchange a week and some ago. i didn't talk about it last week as there was still a chance that it would continue. it didn't so now i can talk of it without feeling like im jinxing something. i feel better than i have in YEARS.
for the unaware- i hadn't heard from her in about 6 years, and no efforts of mine were the slightest bit successful in reaching her again. Kyu had one avenue available to him that i didn't, and because he loves me and was willing to try anything to bring me happiness, he used it and exchanged a few messages with her before she vanished off the face of the earth again. there's still tons i want to say, and Kyu needs to say, but i heard what i needed to hear: she's moved on and i can too.
i feel free again, and while this renewed sense of abandonment has driven Kyu to new lows, his moods are improving already. he's better this week than he was last week. i'm even more in love with him now than i was two weeks ago, and i want him to be happy again. i'm certain that he will be though before too much longer. he's come around to the "damned if i'll be anyone's backup choice" mentality and that's made letting go of his residual feelings easier. it feels to him like we were being kept on a line as a backup in case the life she's been building fell apart, and we deserve better.
i want Umi to be happy, and if marrying the guy she's been dating since she dropped off the face of the planet (to us at least) makes her happy then i'm all for it. i'm doing better knowing that she doesn't need me, so i don't have to feel bad for growing beyond needing her. i'll probably always love her a little bit, just because she was such a major part of a hugely traumatic part of my life, but i'm not letting that residual affection control me any more.
other than the new sense of freedom, i'm focusing on Christmas. i didn't realize how close it was, so i need to wrap the gifts this week, and set up our tree. xD i do have to figure out what we're doing for Christmas this year actually. i think that Kyu's promised at Grandpa's which is possibly the same time as the family gathering at Bonnie's which i kinda promised i'd attend. i've got until this weekend to figure it out though, so we'll see what we end up doing.
sometime this week i'm hoping Moose will be able to help me dye my hair green again too. now that the semester's over the time that was being used for her classes should be free. i found the bleach, so really all that's missing is a few hours and a little green dye. xD i have two partial bottles, but as they're not the same shade, i think i'll still need to buy a new one.. i did cut my hair last week, partly as a symbolic letting go of who i was forcing myself to be, and partly to push myself into more human behavioral patterns. so it won't take nearly as much dye to got the job done, but i think it'll still take slightly more than i have on-hand. i really miss having green hair, it felt entirely true to me, and actually worked pretty well with my skin tone, so i'm hoping to be back to it by Christmas.
also, i've done some dolling in anticipation of my new (old) hair color.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 95
song+ Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again- Glee
book+ DQ4 guide
quest+ Christmas shopping
upper+ feeling much better
downer+ running out of time to finish Christmas prep
attire+ pajama shorts and a tank
drink+ Kiwi Strawberry Snapple
so a little late again this week, but it's not depression-based this time. my keyboard died and today i got a replacement and i'm once again capable of typing. xD
so this week i'm feeling far better than i have in a really long time. Kyu did something for me last weekend, the specifics of which i'm not ready to disclose yet, but the results (so far) have brought me more happiness than i've really felt in a long time. i'm not gonna say anything so foolish as i'm all better and life is sunshine and rainbows, but it seems perfectly fair to say that the skies have cleared and i can feel sunlight again. the haze of grey is lifting and colors are vibrant again, and that's a wonderful feeling.
i'm still waiting on Moose having free time to finish up my Christmas shopping. Wolfie can't keep a secret, and i don't want Kyu to know what i'm getting him. finals are done this week though, so either this weekend or sometime next week we should be set to go shopping for the tings i've got in mind. fortunately i'm not trying for anything limited, i just need to get to the art store to pull together the overall theme.
i'll probably get our tree (such as it is) set up and bedecked in our ornaments this weekend and work on wrapping the gift-y things that have already been brought home.. not my presents, since i prefer to be surprised, but pretty much everything else. xD i'm also gonna see what i can figure out for stocking stuffers, since that's not something that ever occurs to Kyu. it's possible to do it pretty cheaply though, so it should be simple enough.
but yeah, basically i'm feeling much better and i thought i should let everyone know. xD
book+ DQ4 guide
quest+ Christmas shopping
upper+ feeling much better
downer+ running out of time to finish Christmas prep
attire+ pajama shorts and a tank
drink+ Kiwi Strawberry Snapple
so a little late again this week, but it's not depression-based this time. my keyboard died and today i got a replacement and i'm once again capable of typing. xD
so this week i'm feeling far better than i have in a really long time. Kyu did something for me last weekend, the specifics of which i'm not ready to disclose yet, but the results (so far) have brought me more happiness than i've really felt in a long time. i'm not gonna say anything so foolish as i'm all better and life is sunshine and rainbows, but it seems perfectly fair to say that the skies have cleared and i can feel sunlight again. the haze of grey is lifting and colors are vibrant again, and that's a wonderful feeling.
i'm still waiting on Moose having free time to finish up my Christmas shopping. Wolfie can't keep a secret, and i don't want Kyu to know what i'm getting him. finals are done this week though, so either this weekend or sometime next week we should be set to go shopping for the tings i've got in mind. fortunately i'm not trying for anything limited, i just need to get to the art store to pull together the overall theme.
i'll probably get our tree (such as it is) set up and bedecked in our ornaments this weekend and work on wrapping the gift-y things that have already been brought home.. not my presents, since i prefer to be surprised, but pretty much everything else. xD i'm also gonna see what i can figure out for stocking stuffers, since that's not something that ever occurs to Kyu. it's possible to do it pretty cheaply though, so it should be simple enough.
but yeah, basically i'm feeling much better and i thought i should let everyone know. xD
Friday, December 9, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 94
song+ Light Up the World- Glee cast (S2 finale)
book+ Bridal quartet- Nora Roberts
quest+ getting my hair dyed soon
upper+ um, yay candy?
downer+ manic-depressed. yo.
attire+ khakis and a black button-up shirt
drink+ sprite
i meant to post much sooner this week, but i find myself without any clue when it is or what day most of the time lately. everything's been kinda foggy.
i suppose the most exciting/productive thing i've done this week is watching the entirety of Glee (that's two and a half seasons) in three days. i decided to give it a shot after all, as the main thing holding me back was Kyu's request that i not get into it. since he decided he just didn't care, i figured hey, why not? and yeah, i'm all caught up. twice.
i cut my hair when i woke up this morning, in an effort to shake things up. i don't think it worked, but about half the length is gone now. it's still a little past my shoulders, but it's still much shorter. i think i wanna go back to having green hair. i really miss it, i felt more like myself when my hair was green. it didn't feel strange or unnatural to me at all. the upkeep of bleaching and dying my roots as they grew out was a little annoying, but i'd rather go back to that than just feeling so fake all the time. it might not get done this weekend, but i want it done by Christmas for sure. i think i still have bleach, but i'll need more hair color before anything can really be done.
i need to get Moose to take me shopping soon, that way we can take care of my hair, and also Christmas shopping for our boys so they can be surprised. i have ideas that aren't quite set in stone, but are good, and i have funds for what i've outlined mentally, i just need a ride and an objective (but informed) second opinion, so i'm really just waiting for her to have some free time.
book+ Bridal quartet- Nora Roberts
quest+ getting my hair dyed soon
upper+ um, yay candy?
downer+ manic-depressed. yo.
attire+ khakis and a black button-up shirt
drink+ sprite
i meant to post much sooner this week, but i find myself without any clue when it is or what day most of the time lately. everything's been kinda foggy.
i suppose the most exciting/productive thing i've done this week is watching the entirety of Glee (that's two and a half seasons) in three days. i decided to give it a shot after all, as the main thing holding me back was Kyu's request that i not get into it. since he decided he just didn't care, i figured hey, why not? and yeah, i'm all caught up. twice.
i cut my hair when i woke up this morning, in an effort to shake things up. i don't think it worked, but about half the length is gone now. it's still a little past my shoulders, but it's still much shorter. i think i wanna go back to having green hair. i really miss it, i felt more like myself when my hair was green. it didn't feel strange or unnatural to me at all. the upkeep of bleaching and dying my roots as they grew out was a little annoying, but i'd rather go back to that than just feeling so fake all the time. it might not get done this weekend, but i want it done by Christmas for sure. i think i still have bleach, but i'll need more hair color before anything can really be done.
i need to get Moose to take me shopping soon, that way we can take care of my hair, and also Christmas shopping for our boys so they can be surprised. i have ideas that aren't quite set in stone, but are good, and i have funds for what i've outlined mentally, i just need a ride and an objective (but informed) second opinion, so i'm really just waiting for her to have some free time.
Friday, December 2, 2011
State of the Neko address: week 93
song+ Rumour Has It/Someone Like You- Glee cast
book+ Carolina Moon- Nora Roberts
quest+ figuring out Christmas gifts
upper+ i'm not really wrathful anymore
downer+ i'm out of canvas & still not really happy
attire+ pajamas, i haven't gotten dressed in nearly a week
drink+ milk
i don't know how it came to be Friday already, i spent most of yesterday thinking it was only Tuesday or something. this week managed to get away from me. i've found myself (no matter what else i mean to be doing) listening to the Glee mashup of Adele's Rumour Has It & Someone Like You. i've never watched Glee before, but i do think that i actually prefer the performance of the two together to the real singles. it's just fantastic, i'll even include here it so nobody has to try and look for it.
i know that there are other things that i should be devoting my efforts (such as they presently are) to, but i can't think of what they could be. i'm apparently past the rage-at-everything part of depression, but now i seem to be in that aimless everything-is-foggy-and-indistinct phase of it. i've pretty much been playing the Youtube version of the song every 5 minutes, reading when my attention can be held long enough, and sleeping the rest of the time. i'm also wasting hours at a time with Facebook games. i've remembered to walk Harley, but really that doesn't take much cognitive processing, she's pretty vocal about when it's time to go outside. i feel like a zombie.
this is the worst part of being depressed for me, when i can't manage to make myself give a damn about anything at all. X.x there's stuff going on that i should be thinking about, or trying for, and while i maintain the awareness that i should be doing.. i'm just not caring. there's nothing i can really do to get past it, i just have to wait for it to run its course. i can only hope it decides to pass swiftly this time, though it's never taken my preference into account before. i just hope to feel vaguely human again by Christmas.
book+ Carolina Moon- Nora Roberts
quest+ figuring out Christmas gifts
upper+ i'm not really wrathful anymore
downer+ i'm out of canvas & still not really happy
attire+ pajamas, i haven't gotten dressed in nearly a week
drink+ milk
i don't know how it came to be Friday already, i spent most of yesterday thinking it was only Tuesday or something. this week managed to get away from me. i've found myself (no matter what else i mean to be doing) listening to the Glee mashup of Adele's Rumour Has It & Someone Like You. i've never watched Glee before, but i do think that i actually prefer the performance of the two together to the real singles. it's just fantastic, i'll even include here it so nobody has to try and look for it.
i know that there are other things that i should be devoting my efforts (such as they presently are) to, but i can't think of what they could be. i'm apparently past the rage-at-everything part of depression, but now i seem to be in that aimless everything-is-foggy-and-indistinct phase of it. i've pretty much been playing the Youtube version of the song every 5 minutes, reading when my attention can be held long enough, and sleeping the rest of the time. i'm also wasting hours at a time with Facebook games. i've remembered to walk Harley, but really that doesn't take much cognitive processing, she's pretty vocal about when it's time to go outside. i feel like a zombie.
this is the worst part of being depressed for me, when i can't manage to make myself give a damn about anything at all. X.x there's stuff going on that i should be thinking about, or trying for, and while i maintain the awareness that i should be doing.. i'm just not caring. there's nothing i can really do to get past it, i just have to wait for it to run its course. i can only hope it decides to pass swiftly this time, though it's never taken my preference into account before. i just hope to feel vaguely human again by Christmas.
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