book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ getting my hair green again
upper+ i have the best boyfriend in the history of ever
downer+ Kyu's feeling down
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ root beer float
another week, another post. while i'm doing better at not waiting until Friday, i'm aiming to maybe actually hit Monday next week. i'm only off by a few hours this time! xD still feeling fantastic and beyond thrilled not to be wallowing in gloom for the foreseeable future.
so basically the catalyst for my not being a depressed gloomy-butt for the rest of eternity is that Kyu managed to get in touch with Umi for a (very brief) exchange a week and some ago. i didn't talk about it last week as there was still a chance that it would continue. it didn't so now i can talk of it without feeling like im jinxing something. i feel better than i have in YEARS.
for the unaware- i hadn't heard from her in about 6 years, and no efforts of mine were the slightest bit successful in reaching her again. Kyu had one avenue available to him that i didn't, and because he loves me and was willing to try anything to bring me happiness, he used it and exchanged a few messages with her before she vanished off the face of the earth again. there's still tons i want to say, and Kyu needs to say, but i heard what i needed to hear: she's moved on and i can too.
i feel free again, and while this renewed sense of abandonment has driven Kyu to new lows, his moods are improving already. he's better this week than he was last week. i'm even more in love with him now than i was two weeks ago, and i want him to be happy again. i'm certain that he will be though before too much longer. he's come around to the "damned if i'll be anyone's backup choice" mentality and that's made letting go of his residual feelings easier. it feels to him like we were being kept on a line as a backup in case the life she's been building fell apart, and we deserve better.
i want Umi to be happy, and if marrying the guy she's been dating since she dropped off the face of the planet (to us at least) makes her happy then i'm all for it. i'm doing better knowing that she doesn't need me, so i don't have to feel bad for growing beyond needing her. i'll probably always love her a little bit, just because she was such a major part of a hugely traumatic part of my life, but i'm not letting that residual affection control me any more.
other than the new sense of freedom, i'm focusing on Christmas. i didn't realize how close it was, so i need to wrap the gifts this week, and set up our tree. xD i do have to figure out what we're doing for Christmas this year actually. i think that Kyu's promised at Grandpa's which is possibly the same time as the family gathering at Bonnie's which i kinda promised i'd attend. i've got until this weekend to figure it out though, so we'll see what we end up doing.
sometime this week i'm hoping Moose will be able to help me dye my hair green again too. now that the semester's over the time that was being used for her classes should be free. i found the bleach, so really all that's missing is a few hours and a little green dye. xD i have two partial bottles, but as they're not the same shade, i think i'll still need to buy a new one.. i did cut my hair last week, partly as a symbolic letting go of who i was forcing myself to be, and partly to push myself into more human behavioral patterns. so it won't take nearly as much dye to got the job done, but i think it'll still take slightly more than i have on-hand. i really miss having green hair, it felt entirely true to me, and actually worked pretty well with my skin tone, so i'm hoping to be back to it by Christmas.
also, i've done some dolling in anticipation of my new (old) hair color.
1 comment:
This post made me really happy. I'm glad you guys have moved on. However, I will vehemently disagree that you guys were backup. I hadn't been in any contact (until Kyu messaged me) and there was nothing to suggest that I was coming back. I wanted you guys to have your happiness and I had mine. Nothing has fallen apart and I'm pretty settled in life (we're getting closer to 30 now...how did that happen?). I'll always have my affections for you guys, but I was desperately unhappy then and didn't see things changing. It really bothers me that mental disease is your burden *too*. I lost a friend at the end of March due to her inability to cope any longer. I don't want that same future for you. You should do all those things you talked about. In all my life, you were always the most talented. People would love your designs and you should share them with the world. This is probably not the most appropriate avenue of contact, but I've been a little more thoughtful of the past lately. I can't change it and I can't go back, but I did enjoy those times. I've never had a best girlfriend with whom I've shared more of an intimacy than when we were together.
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