book+ nothing
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ ah.. i dunno?
downer+ words are hard
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk
i found this on tumbler as a series of infographics and it seemed like a perfect tool to halp me express myself a bit, so i'm gonna do that. it was intended as a tool for writers to find the right words, but really it's helpful for everyone, i think. i'm pleased the creator decided to have happy, sad and angry as separate scales, because really they can all be felt at the same time.
to start with, the anxiety scale is one a lot of people have trouble understanding when i try to explain how i feel. a good day has me hovering somewhere around nervous/restless. leaving the apartment is an automatic jump to apprehensive/uneasy at best, even for something simple and safe like visiting family. new situations and places put me around fear/fright. things where i lose all control, like flying, or long car trips, or phone conversations can shoot me straight to panicky hysteria easily. having a panic attack is bad, but even when it's done i tend to hover at mortification and not feel any better for breaking. it's more than just being really shy, it's a legitimate fear of pretty much everything in the world ever and a lot of people are incapable of really understanding that.
next up is the sadness scale. my manic depression is unmedicated, so i don't have much control here. some days i wake up insecure and lonely, others i'm just a little unhappy, but every so often my brain shoots me straight to the dark end for no real reason. grief to anguish, through the melancholic fog of depression. i'd love not to deal with it, but mostly i just work on living around it.
living with the first two doesn't keep me off the happy scale at all. even on a depressed panicky day, i can still generally find some degree of satisfaction or weel being. when good things happen i feel joy or delight, but i don't think i can honestly say i recall ever reaching higher than the midpoint on this scale, no matter how cheery or positive the circumstances. i hope to someday though. i think it's tempered by the depression, but not entirely mitigated.
love is a good one. i really like the layout of this one, but i'd switch fondness and longing around. to me fondness is a more casual feeling than longing, you can be fond of someone but not particularly miss them when you're apart. generally speaking if i care about someone at all, i fall somewhere around compassion as a baseline. there are people i long for, that have fallen out of my life, and people i feel a vague fondness for. i used to feel something like adoration for kyu, but we fell out of love. i don't love him less, but it settled to a strong affection.
lastly is anger. i've been all over this chart all my life, but i think i've done a pretty good job reigning it in for the most part. good days i'm limited to dislike or frustration. there are some things that even thinking of sends me to bitter loathing, but thankfully not many. really only two or three things can reliably make me feel fury or wrath beyond situational reaction. i try not to think aout those things, but it happens sometimes and i just want to DESTROY things and urgh. it makes me feel all Old Testament, smitey and all. Kyu yo-yos this worse than i do, but the tradeoff is that his deepression is more managable by a good bit than mine.
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