um yeah

song+ Royals -Lorde -the Love Club EP
book+ my DPPt-era pokedex
quest+ the pokemon 30day challenge
upper+ productivity, yay!
downer+ running out of time to finish the pokemon drawings i need
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

i've had fun this week with Kyu. generally i prefer to watch tv a season at a time because i'm terrible at waiting, but a handful of shows all started up in the span of like a week, so we've been watching them together next-day. so far it's Sleepy Hollow and SHIELD on Tuesday night and Elementary (season 2) Friday when Kyu gets home from work.

i've only managed one more pokemon drawing since Thursday, but it was one that required more reference than the rest, so i'd had to skip it earlier. today will likely be dedicated to doing as many more as i can, since i'm really not too far from actually finishing. i'll likely buckle down and see how many more i can get done today when i've finished my internet-ing. because internet is totally a verb now.

i feel like there's something else i wanted to be saying, but i can't remember it for the life of me. i guess if i ever do i can just post again, but it's an annoying feeling. ugh, whatever.

i like building outfits

song+ Grand Theft Autumn (Where Is Your Boy?) -Fall Out Boy -Take This to Your Grave
book+ my DPPt-era pokedex
quest+ the pokemon 30day challenge
upper+ most of my Halloween costume is figured out
downer+ i don't actually have anything to wear it to yet?
attire+ mario tee, black pants, and sneakers
drink+ Dr Pepper

i've had a good week so far. 20 of 30 drawings are done for the pokemon 30day challenge, so i think i'm on-track to finish this weekend. i hope i am at least. i've been enjoying Tuesdays with mom, it's good conversation and opportunity to make artistic progress. i'm looking forward to having a project that's less space-and-supply heavy though, a lap-size project sounds nice.

today was lunch and a thrift shopping trip, wherein parts for my Halloween costume this year were procured. i don't have it all pulled together, but i have most of it and a definite idea of what i'd like for the last part. some effort will still be required on my part, but it's effort i'm looking forward to. lots of judicious glitter-application, and possibly some minor fitting work, depending on what i manage to find for the one part i'm still missing. possibly a skirt, though i think aesthetically shorts are a better fit.

as i've acquired new articles of clothing lately i've tried to come at the choosing from an angle of "how many ways can i wear this" instead of my old method of "i like it! i'll find something else especially for it!" really, it's served me well so far, lending more versatility to my closet. some things can only go one way, but i'm building that middle area up, the things that can be dressy or casual based on what you pair them with. i'm also trying to push myself past my habitual palette of black with red, green, or blue. i've bought yellow and grey and brown the last few times i've been out, and i've been pleased with those choices. i still LIKE red, green, blue and black, but really it doesn't hurt to look elsewhere.

i've been thinking a lot about the clothing choices i've made lately. a lot of what i have is stuff i picked in high school, or nerdy tees bought when my job was one better suited to casual clothes, but the things i enjoy most are dressier items. i don't like wearing pants, i never really have. i love skirts and shorts, fitted shirts and interesting silhouettes, eye-catching details and unusual textures. i like layering and contrasting pieces, building an outfit that maybe wouldn't be someone's first instinct, but making it work anyway. it's fun.

feeling vaguely optimistic, i think

song+ Just One Yesterday -Fall Out Boy -Save Rock and Roll
book+ my DPPt-era pokedex
quest+ the pokemon 30day challenge
upper+ ah.. been sleeping like a normal person?
downer+ been super cold lately
attire+ winter pajamas
drink+ Dr Pepper

i had another dream of the pottery setup last night. still no idea where it was or who i lived with, but i'm pretty sure it was prior to the last dream, because i was walking Ren through the throwing process, including a hands-on lesson in glazing and how to clean up so the layers wouldn't drip and fuse to the kiln causing breakage. like i had her work the air out of a lump of clay, then watch me throw a bowl from it for process, then we cleaned up a leather-hard one, and we picked a bisque-fired one to glaze together. i only had one wheel and i wanted her to know the process before we did the messy part together. it was fun in the dream, and she was really intent on following directions, presumably under threat of lessons not continuing? i'm pretty sure i was up-front about how dangerous it can be if you break safety rules, like the possibility of exploding pots with temperature shifts, especially if there's air bubbles in the clay, and serious burns if you get too close to the kiln, so she was careful. i did offer to teach her how to do tiled mosaic from homemade glazed shards, but i didn't see that happen in the glimpse i was given.

i like it when i see things that make me happy about the possibility without making me feel bad about where i am right now. the feeling that every other possible life is better than where i am is one that strikes unfortunately often, but i'm working on not listening to that little troll voice that's always telling me everything i do is wrong.

i know that the harshest critic is generally that inner troll voice, and most of the time i'm aware that what it says is complete crap, but hearing it still affects me sometimes. like knowing it's stupid and untrue doesn't keep me from reacting at all. that voice is a good part of why i've always been too afraid to go for much of anything, but i feel like these dreams are the opposite, they're encouragement. i should keep trying to fix my brain, then i should go to school and learn all kinds of arty things so i can teach other people. i wanna teach, and while teaching something like English in a high school classroom is likely to pay more bills, i think i'd prefer doing small art classes (like less than 10 students), either as a supplemental thing or tons of them as a primary occupation. it feels right i think. i like creating, and i like sharing my knowledge of HOW to create with people that have the urge but not the training.

kinda dark, sorry

song+ Young Volcanoes -Fall Out Boy -Save Rock and Roll
book+ Gotham City Sirens
quest+ resocialization
upper+ i have ice cream?
downer+ intermittent dark thoughts
attire+ pajamas
drink+ Dr Pepper

i had strange dreams last night. i'm sure the origin of the strange dreams was a conversation with Kyu that danced on the edges of Things I Don't Talk About, and therefore made me think Thoughts I Try Not To Think. those thoughts largely have to do with the thing that happened nearly 14 years ago, i'm still not ready to talk about it, even if i have felt myself getting closer to dealing with it. everyone deals with trauma in their own way, and it was pretty much half my life ago, but really i just haven't been ready. talking about it makes me think about it, and thinking about it makes me re-live it and i hate that, but i'm just getting to the point where when my mind makes me re-live it i can see all the wrong and think it into something else. kinda like the concept of using lucid dreaming to reshape nightmares. when i can think or talk without feeling it then i'll talk it all out.

rape is about power. i know that, i knew it before it happened, but power takes different forms for different people and the ways he chose to take power over me left me with some pretty intense lingering issues. most of the sex ones have been more or less resolved, i know now what i like and what's on my not ever gonna happen list, but the stuff tied to the emotional manipulation and posturing is stuff i've had more trouble shaking. getting over the acts of obvious assault were comparatively easy, emotional abuse is harder to recover from because it's not visible to anyone else, but there are things he said or did that i can't stop hearing, or seeing in myself and i HATE that 14 years later he still has any power in my life at all.

at some point my mind apparently decided enough was enough and it gave me a more pleasant dream. i saw a possible future. a good one too, even if the glimpse was brief. basically i had a pottery setup in a garage i don't think i've ever seen before in my waking life. shelving for drying projects, small buckets for glazes, a moderately sized table for sculpting, kiln for baking, and a wheel for throwing. i know i was living in whatever house the garage was attached to, but i didn't see who i was living with. what i did see was that Ren was visiting and i was teaching her how to throw. we were working on a bowl, and while i couldn't say for sure how old she was, i'm pretty sure she wasn't 12 yet. when i woke up i was satisfied. throwing (clay work in general really) is something i forget how much i love. there's something viscerally satisfying about taking a lump of mud and holding it steady until it feels like it wants to be something beautiful, then helping it get there. that's what throwing feels like to me. i rarely set out to make anything in particular since i had better results when i let the whim move me. now that i think about it i really miss that feeling.

happy birthday mommy2

song+ 27 -Fall Out Boy - Folie a Deux
book+ the Cyborg 009 reboot GN
quest+ resocialization
upper+ i had a good week last week.
downer+ video game lust
attire+ jean skirt, black shirt, sneakers and tights
drink+ water

i've been going with mom to knit night for the last few weeks, even though i don't knit. it's been good for my productivity artistically, and also it's nice to see mom more. interacting with a variable group of other people is helping with my resocialization efforts too.

today's post is going up earlier than i usually manage because we're off to visit grandpa today, so it's kinda now or not at all, and i'm too proud of my progress sticking with blogging to intentionally skip a week or whatever. most of the birthdays on the Couture/Wolf side of Kyu's family fall in the August/September range, so multiple birthdays get lumped together and celebrated in chunks. today happens to actually be Suzy's birthday though, so it's a good day to celebrate.

i have my art bag packed, my next Tuesday project is a doll dress i designed last year, but i never really figured out how the backside would work if i actually tried to make it. today i'm gonna figure that out, then i plan to get the machine-based structure all sewn so Tuesday is just for hand-sewn detailing. that's gonna be where most of the effort goes overall, since i already have a pattern worked out for the basic dress, but gathering shades of blue silk to resemble cascading water isn't something i've done before. i'm also gonna have to figure out how to get the not quite shoulder strap (not quite cape either) to behave like i'll want it to, but that may come down to trial and error in the end.

if i get tired of trying to figure that out i'll have the pokemon 30 day prompts to fall back on, so i should be entertained regardless of actual chosen project. i also have my ipod charged and ready, so really it should be a productive day overall.

sunday again already?

song+ Come and Get It -Selena Gomez -Stars Dance
book+ nothing
quest+ i dunno, art things?
upper+ eh
downer+ nothing really
attire+ pajamas
drink+ dr pepper

i've spent the majority of the last week in a state of seething rage over the current state of the comic industry. like i'm torn between being glad i got out when i did, and sad for the kids that are just discovering it now when nothing good is happening at DC and the best of Marvel is their cinematic stuff right now (which is admittedly REALLY good). it's been kinda distracting. i've also been sleeping a lot.

i feel like i should be working on art things lately. it's kinda a matter of trying to figure out which project lying around barely-started i wanna finish first. though i suppose i should apply some level of priority to the pokemon meme i've barey started. hmm.

i miss missing you now and again

song+ the Mighty Fall -Fall Out Boy -Save Rock and Roll
book+ fanfic
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ found my next challenge
downer+ words are hard
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

had a good visit with mom yesterday. good times and laughter and cheesecake were had. i also tagged along for knit night and managed passably coherent conversation with a stranger. that's kinda a big deal for me.possibly i'll join in next week too with more not-knitting, but still art-ing.

lots of conversation over the last day or so about potential employment options and the betterment of my mental health and emotional well-being. it boils down to: kyu's given me a deadline (next Feb) to find a steady job, after which point we'll evaluate the feasibility of continuing to live together. i'd prefer to be working again long before said deadline, but my initial hope (my birthday) isn't looking like it's gonna happen. really i know that just wanting it isn't enough to make things happen. if wanting to be better was all it took, i wouldn't have spent the last 3 years(ish) unemployed. if wanting to be better was enough i wouldn't have had a breakdown in the first place. in retrospect i can see the slow slide toward breaking i was doing even when i still worked at lone star, but i didn't see it when it was happening. little triggers eventually building so snapping once at the next job was the final straw. i tried, i really did, but there were things i wasn't ready for, and i couldn't cope. i tried and i pretended, but i've always had trouble admitting when i need help, until i can't deny it and it's probably too late anyway. i've been trying really hard to work on that. i want to be better, and if depending on other people will help me be better, i'll try to let them in i guess.

interpersonal relationships are hard for me. even with people i love and trust (of which there aren't many), there are things i don't want to say, secrets i want to keep for myself, i really don't ever want anyone to know me all the way. if i open myself wholly to someone else, then what's left for me? am i even real at that point? there are things Kyu knows that i've never told anyone else, same for Rory and James, but there are other things i've never spoken of at all. some good things i want to keep good, some dark things that hurt to think about, much less speak of. if i talk about those things, they become a part of the perception of me, sullying me forever. also, if i lay all my secrets bare, what's left of myself? who am i at that point if i can't keep anything for me, all i become is what people think i am, and i want to be more than that.

really, i want a job because i hate feeling like a burden, and i miss having money. i want to see a doctor, i want to figure out how to mitigate the myriad of crazy things my brain does all the freaking time. i want to not be afraid every moment of every day, i want to be happy. i want to go to school and do arty things of varying levels of brilliance, i want to eventually shift from a job to a career, i want to find a home, i want the people i love to be happy. i want to learn glassblowing. i wanna refine my pottery-throwing. i want to be a better painter. i want to overhaul my wardrobe, making things that fit, and buying cute things to coordinate. i want an American Girl doll (i have for 20 years) and i want to make and sell clothes for them to fund my hobbies. i want to get in shape (even if i'll never be skinny, i wanna feel healthy). i want everything, more of the good, and other things i've never had too. i've always felt like i wanted MORE even if i've sometimes had trouble figuring out just what i want more of. first though, i want to be more mentally sound, so i can find (and keep) a job long enough to start working toward the rest.

it's the Eye of the Tiger, the thrill of the fight

song+ Miss Missing You -Fall Out Boy -Save Rock and Roll
book+ fanfic
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ found my next challenge
downer+ words are hard
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

not exactly rising up to the challenge of our rivals, i am completely unprepared for the pokemon 30 day challenge to be a September thing, maybe next month.

on the bright side i do have cold Italian leftovers to eat and an internet full of things i haven't read about yet to keep me entertained. Muffin is staying with us for a few days while the roommate she actually gets along with is out of the state, in Georgia doing helpful hings for another friend attending Dragon*Con. i like having her around, but i'm definitively not part of any of their leaving-the-apartment plans. i can't really complain about that when to make up for being left out (partially because her truck really only fits two) i've gotten Italian food and two pounds of Jelly Bellies to make up fpr it. xD

i've refused to eat jelly beans at all (much less this specific brand) for about a decade for specific reasons relating to triggering my mental things and emotional damage left by careless people i probably loved too much, but i've been okay so far this weekend. i've probably had less than 30 of them overall, and there's been no binging or emotional spazzing thusfar. yay growth and progress! last time i had them, i overbought specific flavors for specific reasons and ate like 5 pounds in a day and a half and had a crying breakdown and really things were just unpleasant all around because really, 5 pounds of jelly beans (even gourmet ones) in a day and a half is overkill for anyone, much less someone with stomach issues and an intolerance of sugar abuse. i was sick mentally and physically for the rest of the week and i avoided them until now, but i really think i'm doing okay so far, both with those specific flavors and the others, and also the control thing.

my throat hurts and i don't have my voice today, but i'm reasonably sure it's unrelated to emotional trauma or jelly bean overdose. xD sometimes i just wake up with a raw throat and no voice. *shrug*