feeling vaguely optimistic, i think

song+ Just One Yesterday -Fall Out Boy -Save Rock and Roll
book+ my DPPt-era pokedex
quest+ the pokemon 30day challenge
upper+ ah.. been sleeping like a normal person?
downer+ been super cold lately
attire+ winter pajamas
drink+ Dr Pepper

i had another dream of the pottery setup last night. still no idea where it was or who i lived with, but i'm pretty sure it was prior to the last dream, because i was walking Ren through the throwing process, including a hands-on lesson in glazing and how to clean up so the layers wouldn't drip and fuse to the kiln causing breakage. like i had her work the air out of a lump of clay, then watch me throw a bowl from it for process, then we cleaned up a leather-hard one, and we picked a bisque-fired one to glaze together. i only had one wheel and i wanted her to know the process before we did the messy part together. it was fun in the dream, and she was really intent on following directions, presumably under threat of lessons not continuing? i'm pretty sure i was up-front about how dangerous it can be if you break safety rules, like the possibility of exploding pots with temperature shifts, especially if there's air bubbles in the clay, and serious burns if you get too close to the kiln, so she was careful. i did offer to teach her how to do tiled mosaic from homemade glazed shards, but i didn't see that happen in the glimpse i was given.

i like it when i see things that make me happy about the possibility without making me feel bad about where i am right now. the feeling that every other possible life is better than where i am is one that strikes unfortunately often, but i'm working on not listening to that little troll voice that's always telling me everything i do is wrong.

i know that the harshest critic is generally that inner troll voice, and most of the time i'm aware that what it says is complete crap, but hearing it still affects me sometimes. like knowing it's stupid and untrue doesn't keep me from reacting at all. that voice is a good part of why i've always been too afraid to go for much of anything, but i feel like these dreams are the opposite, they're encouragement. i should keep trying to fix my brain, then i should go to school and learn all kinds of arty things so i can teach other people. i wanna teach, and while teaching something like English in a high school classroom is likely to pay more bills, i think i'd prefer doing small art classes (like less than 10 students), either as a supplemental thing or tons of them as a primary occupation. it feels right i think. i like creating, and i like sharing my knowledge of HOW to create with people that have the urge but not the training.