i miss missing you now and again

song+ the Mighty Fall -Fall Out Boy -Save Rock and Roll
book+ fanfic
quest+ finding coherent thought
upper+ found my next challenge
downer+ words are hard
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

had a good visit with mom yesterday. good times and laughter and cheesecake were had. i also tagged along for knit night and managed passably coherent conversation with a stranger. that's kinda a big deal for me.possibly i'll join in next week too with more not-knitting, but still art-ing.

lots of conversation over the last day or so about potential employment options and the betterment of my mental health and emotional well-being. it boils down to: kyu's given me a deadline (next Feb) to find a steady job, after which point we'll evaluate the feasibility of continuing to live together. i'd prefer to be working again long before said deadline, but my initial hope (my birthday) isn't looking like it's gonna happen. really i know that just wanting it isn't enough to make things happen. if wanting to be better was all it took, i wouldn't have spent the last 3 years(ish) unemployed. if wanting to be better was enough i wouldn't have had a breakdown in the first place. in retrospect i can see the slow slide toward breaking i was doing even when i still worked at lone star, but i didn't see it when it was happening. little triggers eventually building so snapping once at the next job was the final straw. i tried, i really did, but there were things i wasn't ready for, and i couldn't cope. i tried and i pretended, but i've always had trouble admitting when i need help, until i can't deny it and it's probably too late anyway. i've been trying really hard to work on that. i want to be better, and if depending on other people will help me be better, i'll try to let them in i guess.

interpersonal relationships are hard for me. even with people i love and trust (of which there aren't many), there are things i don't want to say, secrets i want to keep for myself, i really don't ever want anyone to know me all the way. if i open myself wholly to someone else, then what's left for me? am i even real at that point? there are things Kyu knows that i've never told anyone else, same for Rory and James, but there are other things i've never spoken of at all. some good things i want to keep good, some dark things that hurt to think about, much less speak of. if i talk about those things, they become a part of the perception of me, sullying me forever. also, if i lay all my secrets bare, what's left of myself? who am i at that point if i can't keep anything for me, all i become is what people think i am, and i want to be more than that.

really, i want a job because i hate feeling like a burden, and i miss having money. i want to see a doctor, i want to figure out how to mitigate the myriad of crazy things my brain does all the freaking time. i want to not be afraid every moment of every day, i want to be happy. i want to go to school and do arty things of varying levels of brilliance, i want to eventually shift from a job to a career, i want to find a home, i want the people i love to be happy. i want to learn glassblowing. i wanna refine my pottery-throwing. i want to be a better painter. i want to overhaul my wardrobe, making things that fit, and buying cute things to coordinate. i want an American Girl doll (i have for 20 years) and i want to make and sell clothes for them to fund my hobbies. i want to get in shape (even if i'll never be skinny, i wanna feel healthy). i want everything, more of the good, and other things i've never had too. i've always felt like i wanted MORE even if i've sometimes had trouble figuring out just what i want more of. first though, i want to be more mentally sound, so i can find (and keep) a job long enough to start working toward the rest.