State of the Neko address: week 2, part 2

song+ So Sad, So Lonely- Matchbox 20
book+ Buffy Season 8- Retreat
scent+ home
quest+ saving for Dolpa
upper+ can't think of one
downer+ i miss Umi..
attire+ work clothes
drink+ nothing

i miss my best friend. the one i used to talk to for hours about nothing at all, or anything we wanted. i miss the feeling of complete trust in another person without any strings of expectancy attached. i miss the easy, open affection, the teasing and inside jokes. i miss feeling like i mattered as a person.

i feel love and affection and other good things from the other people in my life, but really, nothing compares to the special love of a best friend. we used to talk of what we'd do together when we grew up. we'd talk about having babies who would grow up as close as sisters, built-in best friends. we spoke of reaching for our dreams together, both silly and serious. i didn't feel the need to hide my feelings to protect hers, i felt i would always be appreciated for who i am and what i could be. maybe that was wrong. we haven't spoken in years. there's been effort on my end, i desperately want to speak to her again, but nothing i do is ever successful. she talked to Kyu a while back, but not a word to me.

she's apparently moved past our friendship. she's found new friends, and a love. she's engaged (possibly married by now) and planning to move back to the local area. she made vague offers of meeting up again, catching up again, then disappeared again, not to be heard from in the past few months.

i've said numerous times, i'd be okay with moving on. idropping the friendship on this end too, finally expunging the remaining feelings, if i knew it was what she really wanted, but she won't say anything to me. i wish i know what i did to anger her, or frighten her possibly. if i know i could try to make it better. if it's really just moving on, i wish she'd let me know. it breaks my heart that she still holds a special place in who i am, but i never know what's going on with her.

i want to be happy again. i want to feel whole again. it's really not fair that she still has a part of my heart that i'd like to able to give to Kyu. he deserves more than i can give him. he's wonderful, and i'm happy with him, but i'm not as happy as i'd be if i could just figure out how to move on.

i NEED to grieve and move on and stop loving, but i can't seem to convince myself to give up on her. i hate that i'm so stupid-stubborn.