State of the Neko address: week 4, part 3 (crazy, right?)

song+ Gimme More- Britney Spears- Blackout
book+ FFXIII strategy guide
scent+ new book
quest+ saving to visit Roro
upper+ i'm feeling creative again
downer+ ugh.. work stress
attire+ work clothes
drink+ milk!

(this was drafted off and on at work to keep from inflicting workplace violence on mostly innocent and entirely unsuspecting persons)

i'm unhappy again at work. for a while, after the old crew returned, everything was great here- you know, the Good Old Days all over again. the glow has apparently worn off. now i'm being held to unreasonable expectations again, and given no incentive to even try to reach them. other people that do half what i do get accolades and tangible rewards, i get more work. i'm feeling (again) that it's not worth it, but i'm afraid i won't be able to find anything better with the economy how it is and my lack of education.

i'm thinking again of going to college. i want to take art classes, and i probably could without sacrificing too many work hours, it's that i'm still terrified of somehow winding up with the kind of terrifying debt dad did. i know paying off student loans will keep that from happening, but it's still terrifying for me. it's why i haven't even applied for anything yet when i desperately want to go and DO something different.

most of the time, i really don't hate my job, or even dislike it all that much. i'm just really sick of getting no credit for all that i do, then being called out the moment my performance slips even the tiniest bit. this time it's so incredibly stupid too. i prioritized the tasks on my schedule to fill the time i had until lunch (an hour or two in this case) so i'd have a full day tomorrow to offer to another department for anything they'd need help with. to me that made more sense than dropping all my responsibilities, offering 1 ½ hours now, two after lunch, and a half day tomorrow to whoever needs help. it's easier to fill a whole day with things i'm untrained for than it is to fill hour-or-two blocks off and on all day. apparently this isn't an instance where actual thought was desired or appreciated. i was called out for it, and when i calmly explained my reasoning i got an angry huff in reply. i kinda always figured when i grew up and ventured forth into the workforce, a working brain would be a plus, and management would have matured beyond acting like their teenage children when my opinions differed. ugh. just ugh. (a half-hour later- it's like nothing happened. talking of next week's expectations and what her kids are up to and usage of imaginary words in humorous situations like we never had the altercation.. not that blows were exchanged- that's as aggressive as she gets) to be clear, i don't hate my boss, i don't even dislike her. she is, by far, not the worst superior to report to here, i just wish i didn't have to deal with being the only person she feels comfortable enough with to vent to. i hear her complaints about everyone else all the time, so when she's done with all that and starts nitpicking things i'm NOT DOING WRONG, it's kinda like the straw that breaks the camel's back. i'm not a screwup, so don't act like i am, please.

so now i'm just wanting to go home and not come back. i won't, i'm more responsible than that, but it's such a tempting thought. days like this make me wish i was independently wealthy and only working to amuse myself. maybe i'll finally get going on the actual-doing for the paintings i keep mentioning now that i have enough stuff. i still need a sculpting medium that'll dry hard enough to sustain paint without degrading, but i can work on other pieces. i have all i need for two of the four i have thought up and drafted out. i could also do some clothing designs if moose isn't up to sharing her painting space this evening.

days like this make me really look forward to having serious Art Studio time after we move this summer. that and having room to set up our exercise equipment are the biggest advantages to me at this point in the planning. not being stuck with Lousy Management is good. having space to think and breathe and DO is better. being allowed to paint an accent wall is awesome (moose and i are thinking dramatic cloudy nightscape/sunset scene), having space between moose's room (and nighttime music- she apparently can't sleep without it) and ours (i prefer silence while i sleep thank you very much) is even better. kyu's looking forward to space for Warhammer playing, so that's a big plus for him. i figure there'll be enough space elsewhere that if he and his nerd-friends playing gets on my nerves, i can go paint or draw or whatever and it won't be a problem.

yeah, about 2 hours later and i'm still angry. i'm a little worried that if i go home and do angry-painting i'll mess up my Very Expensive supplies.. maybe i need a Good Mood set and a Bad Mood set so i don't freak out if i get a bit rough with a paintbrush. i'm usually very conscientious of the care given the bristles on a brush, both during use and cleaning, but when i'm angry, my consideration for the care of anything but myself pretty much flies out the window. i'm especially selfish when angry, i guess it's good i at least recognize it? i can take steps to alter behavioral patterns when i know they're there..

end of the day and i do feel marginally better. i did about 6 hours of labor in 2 ½ hours this afternoon and actually got recognized for it, which is nice. naturally it was labor for another department. scanning TONS of specialty dice into inventory. mom also stopped by for a brief chat, that helped my mood a bit too. i love you mommy! still frustrated and angry, but not like baby-punching mad. you know it's a bad day when you want to hit a helpless baby.. it's like the ultimate expression of bad-day-having: a Baby-Punching day.