song+ My Heart- Paramore- All We Know Is Falling
book+ nothing- finally watching Avatar instead
scent+ chocolate
quest+ saving to visit Roro
upper+ i feel emotionally free
downer+ i don't make enough money..
attire+ work clothes
drink+ water
i feel like i should have something to say, but i'm kinda blank.. xD i'm very sleepy today, almost fell asleep at my desk a few times early this morning. there's something i wanted to talk about and i can't quite recall it. that's kinda annoying.
i woke up this week with an odd sense of lightness. i'm no longer burdened by an obsessive need for an unattainable thing. for almost ten years, i had a desperate longing for this one particular thing that really couldn't be mine, and likely wouldn't have let me be as happy as i deserve to be. nothing i did at all made me want it any less, it kept me perpetually miserable and i couldn't stop needing it. it sounds like i'm describing a drug problem, but rest assured, i'm not. it was just jarring for me to wake up this week and the corners of my mind and heart that used to be wholly occupied by this need are blank. there's nothing there at all.
i don't miss the needing, and i quite like the lightness of not carrying such a heavy emotional burden, but the feeling of NOTHING being there is pretty bizarre for me. i'm hoping i can get used to it soon and stop blankly staring into space, wondering what i should be feeling instead. normal is a foreign concept to me, so i can't honestly hope for it, but i'm hoping the space fills with something considerably more pleasant. like maybe happiness. xD it's worth hoping for at least.
on an entirely separate note, financial matters within the apartment roommate dynamic are getting frustrating. no one should have to take on a parental role with three adults living together, yet i find that i'm switching between friend, wary sister, and demanding parent. i'm not gonna start micro-managing her entire life, but i feel entirely justified in pointing out that rent needs to come before fun. i just wish i didn't have to remind anyone at all. i know i'm not great with money, so me holding on to rent every month because i'm the most financially responsible is actually kinda sad. X.x
speaking of responsible, i should be ordering the tickets for my flights to and from Virginia next weekend. after that it's putting aside July's rent, and then just last-minute preparations for my trip. very exciting!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
If I'm reading between the lines correctly, that would be the A-noun (feminine)? [On a far less angsty and and far more short-term scale, I know something of how that feels, which would be the J-noun (masculine).] Waving a flag in honor of your emotional freedom. Huzzahs all around!
On the other topic, the sound you hear is me, biting my tongue in empathy, because I am facing another discussion with that party on a related issue.
yes, exactly that. thanks.
Post a Comment