State of the Neko address: week 97

song+ Light Up the World- Glee
book+ no time to read for now
quest+ cleaning and packing
upper+ umm new year, new start?
downer+ health issues
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

my resolution to post Monday this week clearly didn't happen. between Kyu's kidney stones, Christmas, Moose's birthday breakfast and more dealing with the kidney stones there was enough stress building that i found myself sick as a dog Wednesday and Thursday. i'm feeling considerably better today though, so i'm trying to get back to something at least vaguely resembling productivity.

it's very nearly next year already, and naturally this has made me reflect on what 2011 was for me, and sadly the overall impression it leaves me with is disappointment for multiple reasons. i'm determined that 2012 will be better. i started this year thinking i'd turn things around and be brilliant at everything, making the whole world awesome in the process, then after a very short time and a series of freakouts i realized that not only would that not happen for me, the steps i was taking were really just wasting time i should have been using to do more productive things. halfway through the year i realized i was slipping further into a depression so deep i was having trouble motivating myself to do basic things like eat or shower. toward the end of the year efforts to break that perpetual slide brought about an almost frenzied drive to create artistic things, and while that helped a little, it burned through my supplies pretty quickly. what did finally stop that slide was as out of my control as the depression itself, and while i do feel substantially brighter now, i'm still not happy, and i'm out of canvas and a few other artistic things i burned through.

my focus now is continuing the project i keep putting aside: cleaning the apartment, sorting through then getting rid of or packing the things i find. our lease is up in about three months and we want to live somewhere we don't hate. honestly we're probably closer to loathing at this point, and i'm being entirely realistic when i say that even with three months to get ready to move we may cut it close, just based on the sheer volume of stuff we own. we own less now than we did a month ago, but it's slow going and i still have tons to go through.

so in closing something completely unrelated to anything else. for Christmas Kyu got me Zelda Skyward Sword. turns out i can't play it since i'm without the "motion plus" add-on for either of my controllers. xD we're gonna see if we can get one this weekend, but yeah. the one present i really wanted, and i can't play it.

State of the Neko address: week 96, part 2

song+ Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again- Glee (still a supremely awesome duet)
book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ umm baking adventures?
upper+ yay Christmas!
downer+ Kyu's having health issues
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ milk

so in an effort to eat better Kyu and i bought fruit last weekend. i forgot that i don't really like eating fruit on its own though, and Kyu is incapable of eating an entire cluster of bananas before they go soft and brown. so i figured i'd look up recipes to bake with them and the berries so they're not wasted. not thinking it through i googled "fruity muffin awesome" and was surprised to actually end up with muffin recipes. xD so yeah, baking will happen soon around here i guess.. blackberry muffins and banana bread.

in other news, Kyu's kidney stones flared up again. Wednesday involved a hospital trip, and Thursday was laying in bed feeling like death until Wolfie could take me to pick up Kyu's prescriptions. he's not recovered yet, but with the hydrocodone he's not feeling so upset about it. maybe this time we'll actually follow the dietary guidelines he's been told about for more than like a month and we can minimize the odds of a flareup happening again.

today i finally finished my Christmas preparation though. i got the tree set up and the ornaments put on it. the gifts are wrapped neatly and labeled, placed under the tree for another two days. xD i also finished the painting for Moose, we're exchanging art this year. no pictures yet, but the one i did for her is titled "Moose-splosion" and i'm pretty pleased with it. xD i also have the painting i'm giving to Poppa put aside so i remember to bring it to him Sunday.

i have been dealing with a minor allergic reaction though. yesterday Moose picked me up so we could do my hair and i ate a bowl of cereal at her place. a few bites in i realized it had almond slivers in it. while i'm sure i picked out most of them, a few made it through, and there was powdery residue in the milk so i'm dealing with an itchy semi-swollen throat today, and mild nausea. it could be far worse though, and it has been, so i'm taking comfort in my capacity to speak and eat.

but yeah, in summary this week's first half was uneventful, and the second half has been plenty exciting. kinda sick but not really, and getting better already. hair re-greened and a new self-portrait done. xD whoo!

State of the Neko address: week 96

song+ As The World Falls Down- David Bowie -Labyrinth
book+ the one i'm kinda-sorta writing?
quest+ getting my hair green again
upper+ i have the best boyfriend in the history of ever
downer+ Kyu's feeling down
attire+ khakis and a pink tank
drink+ root beer float

another week, another post. while i'm doing better at not waiting until Friday, i'm aiming to maybe actually hit Monday next week. i'm only off by a few hours this time! xD still feeling fantastic and beyond thrilled not to be wallowing in gloom for the foreseeable future.

so basically the catalyst for my not being a depressed gloomy-butt for the rest of eternity is that Kyu managed to get in touch with Umi for a (very brief) exchange a week and some ago. i didn't talk about it last week as there was still a chance that it would continue. it didn't so now i can talk of it without feeling like im jinxing something. i feel better than i have in YEARS.

for the unaware- i hadn't heard from her in about 6 years, and no efforts of mine were the slightest bit successful in reaching her again. Kyu had one avenue available to him that i didn't, and because he loves me and was willing to try anything to bring me happiness, he used it and exchanged a few messages with her before she vanished off the face of the earth again. there's still tons i want to say, and Kyu needs to say, but i heard what i needed to hear: she's moved on and i can too.

i feel free again, and while this renewed sense of abandonment has driven Kyu to new lows, his moods are improving already. he's better this week than he was last week. i'm even more in love with him now than i was two weeks ago, and i want him to be happy again. i'm certain that he will be though before too much longer. he's come around to the "damned if i'll be anyone's backup choice" mentality and that's made letting go of his residual feelings easier. it feels to him like we were being kept on a line as a backup in case the life she's been building fell apart, and we deserve better.

i want Umi to be happy, and if marrying the guy she's been dating since she dropped off the face of the planet (to us at least) makes her happy then i'm all for it. i'm doing better knowing that she doesn't need me, so i don't have to feel bad for growing beyond needing her. i'll probably always love her a little bit, just because she was such a major part of a hugely traumatic part of my life, but i'm not letting that residual affection control me any more.

other than the new sense of freedom, i'm focusing on Christmas. i didn't realize how close it was, so i need to wrap the gifts this week, and set up our tree. xD i do have to figure out what we're doing for Christmas this year actually. i think that Kyu's promised at Grandpa's which is possibly the same time as the family gathering at Bonnie's which i kinda promised i'd attend. i've got until this weekend to figure it out though, so we'll see what we end up doing.

sometime this week i'm hoping Moose will be able to help me dye my hair green again too. now that the semester's over the time that was being used for her classes should be free. i found the bleach, so really all that's missing is a few hours and a little green dye. xD i have two partial bottles, but as they're not the same shade, i think i'll still need to buy a new one.. i did cut my hair last week, partly as a symbolic letting go of who i was forcing myself to be, and partly to push myself into more human behavioral patterns. so it won't take nearly as much dye to got the job done, but i think it'll still take slightly more than i have on-hand. i really miss having green hair, it felt entirely true to me, and actually worked pretty well with my skin tone, so i'm hoping to be back to it by Christmas.

also, i've done some dolling in anticipation of my new (old) hair color.

summer clothes, and two outfits i'm contemplating for this Christmas.

State of the Neko address: week 95

song+ Get Happy/Happy Days Are Here Again- Glee
book+ DQ4 guide
quest+ Christmas shopping
upper+ feeling much better
downer+ running out of time to finish Christmas prep
attire+ pajama shorts and a tank
drink+ Kiwi Strawberry Snapple

so a little late again this week, but it's not depression-based this time. my keyboard died and today i got a replacement and i'm once again capable of typing. xD

so this week i'm feeling far better than i have in a really long time. Kyu did something for me last weekend, the specifics of which i'm not ready to disclose yet, but the results (so far) have brought me more happiness than i've really felt in a long time. i'm not gonna say anything so foolish as i'm all better and life is sunshine and rainbows, but it seems perfectly fair to say that the skies have cleared and i can feel sunlight again. the haze of grey is lifting and colors are vibrant again, and that's a wonderful feeling.

i'm still waiting on Moose having free time to finish up my Christmas shopping. Wolfie can't keep a secret, and i don't want Kyu to know what i'm getting him. finals are done this week though, so either this weekend or sometime next week we should be set to go shopping for the tings i've got in mind. fortunately i'm not trying for anything limited, i just need to get to the art store to pull together the overall theme.

i'll probably get our tree (such as it is) set up and bedecked in our ornaments this weekend and work on wrapping the gift-y things that have already been brought home.. not my presents, since i prefer to be surprised, but pretty much everything else. xD i'm also gonna see what i can figure out for stocking stuffers, since that's not something that ever occurs to Kyu. it's possible to do it pretty cheaply though, so it should be simple enough.

but yeah, basically i'm feeling much better and i thought i should let everyone know. xD

State of the Neko address: week 94

song+ Light Up the World- Glee cast (S2 finale)
book+ Bridal quartet- Nora Roberts
quest+ getting my hair dyed soon
upper+ um, yay candy?
downer+ manic-depressed. yo.
attire+ khakis and a black button-up shirt
drink+ sprite

i meant to post much sooner this week, but i find myself without any clue when it is or what day most of the time lately. everything's been kinda foggy.

i suppose the most exciting/productive thing i've done this week is watching the entirety of Glee (that's two and a half seasons) in three days. i decided to give it a shot after all, as the main thing holding me back was Kyu's request that i not get into it. since he decided he just didn't care, i figured hey, why not? and yeah, i'm all caught up. twice.

i cut my hair when i woke up this morning, in an effort to shake things up. i don't think it worked, but about half the length is gone now. it's still a little past my shoulders, but it's still much shorter. i think i wanna go back to having green hair. i really miss it, i felt more like myself when my hair was green. it didn't feel strange or unnatural to me at all. the upkeep of bleaching and dying my roots as they grew out was a little annoying, but i'd rather go back to that than just feeling so fake all the time. it might not get done this weekend, but i want it done by Christmas for sure. i think i still have bleach, but i'll need more hair color before anything can really be done.

i need to get Moose to take me shopping soon, that way we can take care of my hair, and also Christmas shopping for our boys so they can be surprised. i have ideas that aren't quite set in stone, but are good, and i have funds for what i've outlined mentally, i just need a ride and an objective (but informed) second opinion, so i'm really just waiting for her to have some free time.

State of the Neko address: week 93

song+ Rumour Has It/Someone Like You- Glee cast
book+ Carolina Moon- Nora Roberts
quest+ figuring out Christmas gifts
upper+ i'm not really wrathful anymore
downer+ i'm out of canvas & still not really happy
attire+ pajamas, i haven't gotten dressed in nearly a week
drink+ milk

i don't know how it came to be Friday already, i spent most of yesterday thinking it was only Tuesday or something. this week managed to get away from me. i've found myself (no matter what else i mean to be doing) listening to the Glee mashup of Adele's Rumour Has It & Someone Like You. i've never watched Glee before, but i do think that i actually prefer the performance of the two together to the real singles. it's just fantastic, i'll even include here it so nobody has to try and look for it.



i know that there are other things that i should be devoting my efforts (such as they presently are) to, but i can't think of what they could be. i'm apparently past the rage-at-everything part of depression, but now i seem to be in that aimless everything-is-foggy-and-indistinct phase of it. i've pretty much been playing the Youtube version of the song every 5 minutes, reading when my attention can be held long enough, and sleeping the rest of the time. i'm also wasting hours at a time with Facebook games. i've remembered to walk Harley, but really that doesn't take much cognitive processing, she's pretty vocal about when it's time to go outside. i feel like a zombie.

this is the worst part of being depressed for me, when i can't manage to make myself give a damn about anything at all. X.x there's stuff going on that i should be thinking about, or trying for, and while i maintain the awareness that i should be doing.. i'm just not caring. there's nothing i can really do to get past it, i just have to wait for it to run its course. i can only hope it decides to pass swiftly this time, though it's never taken my preference into account before. i just hope to feel vaguely human again by Christmas.

State of the Neko address: week 92

this week i'm having too much fun with Rory for a real post. sorry. xD

Halloween doll meet photos

it's about a month after the fact, but i have the pictures i took at the Halloween doll meet now. xD it took until now for my SD card to decide to play nice with my computer. i took Althea and Amelia (in no costumes, but new clothes none the less) after finally painting them up, and FaithAnn dressed as the big bad wolf to coordinate with mom's Charity being dressed as red riding hood.

that's all this post is for though, pictures that i meant to share a month ago. xD

State of the Neko address: week 91, part 2

song+ listening to the Aw Yeah Podcast
book+ nothing presently
quest+ getting the office ready for Roro
upper+ i'm painting successfully
downer+ everything? X.x
attire+ winter pajamas
drink+ milk

i wanna thank everyone i've managed to talk to this week, you've all been helpful in pulling myself from the funk i'm fighting off.yesterday i reached my biggest leap toward feeling normal again. Sunday i'd texted Moose asking if we could hang out sometime this week, and yesterday was the best day for her, so we did errands and met up with Kayla and then Eric and all had lunch together and enjoyed talking. after that was done i went home with Moose and Eric and we just talked on the couch while he did homework for his music class. by the time i made it home at 6-ish, i was feeling better, and i had ideas for paintings to work on, so i did that while listening to my iPod, or talking to Roro when he called me.

i don't feel normal again yet, but i do feel lighter, and today i'm still feeling motivated, so i'm about to get back to the painting that i left undone when sleepiness claimed me at like 10:30 last night. i'm at three and a half paintings this week, which is kinda astronomical for me. generally i finish one or two and my feelings are expunged and i feel no further desire to paint. i'd say about 98% of my paintings serve as therapy for me, the rest are more "i had a cool idea, can i pull it off?". i suppose there's a possibility that i'll just keep painting until i run out of canvases, at this point that's not really very many more.

really i should be working on clearing out space for Roro in the office, but not feeling depressed seemed more important to me. also Kyu has offered to help with the last bit after work tonight, so i get painting time leading up to that. xD i also need to figure out which box has my high school transcript in it so i can finish up the college application process. i know it's up there in one of the boxes, i think one of the half-packed boxes, i just have to get around to finding it.

State of the Neko address: week 91 (gloom)

song+ Bach/Break- August Rush
book+ FFXIII guide as i work on 100% completion
quest+ not feeling like i do
upper+ umm.. i have plenty of milk?
downer+ being unable to shake this gloom
attire+ summer pajamas
drink+ milk

i'm miserably unhappy. the lengths i've gone to thus far to combat my mounting depression seem fruitless.i still feel myself slipping constantly, and now i'm teetering on the rink of that part of depression that's almost entirely rage. i find myself angry with people i haven't spoken to in nearly a decade, remembering sleights i thought i'd moved beyond in the few relationships i do maintain. i'm angry at myself for handling things as i have, and with the universe for giving me so much to handle, though i really do believe we're never given more than we're capable of handling. i'm terrified that when my life ends i'll never have touched another in a meaningful (non-family) way.

i'm at a point where i'm angry and frustrated and i don't even know who i'm meant to be. to my mind, Anne is who i was born as, and for the most part she was miserable and lonely and not a great person to be around. she hated everything and blamed everyone for her unhappiness. there are parts of who i used to be that i cut off ruthlessly when i felt like Anne no longer deserved to exist. i taught myself not to cry or show other outward signs of weakness (and sadly i've yet to shake this, maybe cheering up would be easier if i could have a good cry). i learned to share parts of what i was feeling to foster relationships with other people (which has always been terrifyingly difficult for me) though listening to their issues has always been easy. i have no lack of compassion for other people, it's just really hard to open up and trust them. Faythe is who i chose to grow into, she's a stronger person, more capable of accepting responsibility and trying for the things she wants. the shift from Anne to Faythe happened when i was in junior high and my world was ending anyway. i thought to myself that if i had to rebuild my world, i might as well rebuild myself at the same time. when i became Faythe i found myself with more than two legitimate friends for the first time, it was amazing (if short-lived) and such immediately apparent results made the efforts worth it. by the time i was done with high school i was pretty firmly established as Faythe in most of my relationships. Neko is the shape of my soul, all my creative impulses and my deepest emotions, the things that are mine alone and untouched by others. very few people have seen that part of me because i feel a fierce need to keep her safe.

my problem now is i don't really feel like any of those people, i feel like a blobby shapeless mass of nothing. if i can't even figure out who i'm meant to be, how am i supposed to figure out how to make myself happy? Kyu suggested that maybe i should go back to church. ordinarily if someone was floundering and seeking direction in their life i'd say the same. finding strength in your belief works most of the time based on observation and experience. the thing is, i don't have a church. oh i was raised LDS/Mormon sure, but i don't identify with it. i have a firm grasp of the core belief structure, and a respect for the tons of people i know that live it in their everyday lives, but it never quite felt right for me. i looked elsewhere for the answers that faith couldn't provide me and i'm now content with my own mish-mash of unofficial anything. i don't follow a standard pattern of worship, but what i do feels comfortable to me, and that's all i want out of my faith- comfort. that leaves me with no person to person interaction though, no fellowship. pretty much all i can do for direction is pray and consult my tarot deck, which i do, but there's always that margin of hopeful thinking in my interpretation of the cards. it's really not the same as a second opinion from a tangible other person.

i don't want to be angry and unhappy anymore, i just don't know how to fix it. i've tried pretty much everything at this point.. except tracking down the people i'm angry at but not in regular contact with. i really don't see how spilling my misery and rage all over them out of nowhere would make anything better though. of the three best friends i ever had, the only one i'm not angry with is the first. i did carry some resentment for a while over misunderstandings and imagined sleights, but i got past that a few years ago when we reconnected, and i was beyond thrilled for her when she got married this year. best friend 2, i'm pissed at the wreck that our relationship became. yes, i made some mistakes, but not the ones she told everyone i did. i also didn't deserve the duplicity and backstabbing when i did try to be her friend again toward the end of high school. i've had numerous signs from the universe in the last year that maybe we should reconnect, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to, and trying now would make things worse (if that's at all possible). i need to be at a place where i can honestly tell her the mistakes i did make, and clarify the misunderstandings that grew into an enormous drama ball that colored 3 years of schooling negatively. and best friend 3? she ripped my heart out when she vanished into thin air and i just stopped existing to her. i'm pissed about being abandoned and i just want some freakin' closure there. i wanna know how much of that friendship was lies and convenience, because you just don't treat people like she did me in the end. it's not right. i did everything i could to try and maintain that friendship, things that were FAR outside my comfort zone, and when i was no longer worth anything at all she dropped off the face of the planet. i've been wondering for 4 years now if she's okay, if something happened or if i just meant less than i thought i did to her. i'm kinda pissed at myself for still loving her enough to worry.

State of the Neko address: week 90

song+ the Last Song- All-American Rejects- All-American Rejects
book+ the Next Always- Nora Roberts
quest+ preparing the office for Roro's visit
upper+ it's mostly organization left to do
downer+ feeling overwhelmingly blah
attire+ pajamas, a hoodie, and fluffy socks
drink+ water

man, how is it Wednesday already? i've been distracted again. after ignoring it for a year, i finally finished my FF13 save file. at least i finished story mode, i'm now working on all the side quests. xD i suppose i finished it right in time to get excited about FF13-2, which is due to come out in January.. maybe by then i'll be able to afford to buy it.

i kinda feel like i should have something notable to say, but i don't. haven't for a while really. i'm feeling kinda blah and out of sorts as i fight looming depression off. i'm working on getting the apartment ready for Roro's Thanksgiving visit, but mostly i find myself thinking "do i really wanna do ANYTHING?" on a pretty much daily basis. like today it's too chilly for me to wanna do anything outside, and i'm wanting a break from controller-induced hand cramps, so i think i'm gonna put on some fluffy socks and curl up in bed with a stack of books. i have one new one on the kindle, then after that i'll just re-read some of the zillions i have on various shelving units around the apartment. okay, i'll admit zillions is a bit of hyperbole, but i do have plenty to choose from.

State of the Neko address: week 89

song+ Whiplash- Selena Gomez & the Scene- When the Sun Goes Down
book+ research for various projects
quest+ uh finishing my TK army list?
upper+ Thanksgiving is approaching!
downer+ Halloween has passed (it's totally my favorite holiday like ever)
attire+ pajamas. the warm ones
drink+ water

so i'm late with posting this week. i've been distracted by everything ever. this week has had book reading (more research than pleasure), tv episode marathons (30 Rock), completing Final Fantasy 3, and getting halfway through Final Fantasy 4. plus actual socializing! xD on Halloween i actually attended a party for an hour or two, and since my friend Krista works at the dentist literally right across the street from my apartment complex, i've been spending the hour between her getting off work (at 5) and being picked up (at 6 when her fiance arrives) with her most days. i keep meaning to share something, but nothing has really happened that seems worth sharing. X.x

i've been really wanting to play some of my PS2 games lately, so i'm frustrated that it died almost a year ago. the spinny thing stopped spinning and the reader fritzed at the same time, so yeah, no gaming on that for Neko. *sigh* i've wanted to play Dragon Quest 8 for months now, and only recently i was struck with the inexplicable urge to play Blitzball in Final Fantasy 10. i've always hated it before, but for some reason i wanna craft a competitive team now and finally figure it out. for those that never played FFX, Blitzball is kinda a hybrid hockey/soccer game that's played by teams of 6 swimmers entirely underwater. it's hard to pick up and for someone who just wants to play the story of the game, the one time you're forced to blitz, you grow to loathe it and become disinclined to try it ever again. for some reason i now think i want to though? ..but i can't because my PS2 is dead and i have no funds to get it repaired or replaced.

so yeah, things have been pretty boring around here..

State of the Neko address: week 88

song+ Hollywood- Michael Buble- Crazy Love
book+ Percy Jackson- Sea of Monsters
quest+ costuming for my dolls
upper+ Halloween is coming (possibly my favorite holiday)
downer+ time crunch for costumes
attire+ pajamas. word. (i don't get dressed unless i have to anymore)
drink+ Birthday milk (i was gifted a gallon of it, i have awesome friends)

so i meant to get this out earlier this week, but Monday i was sidetracked by everyone i've ever met sending me birthday wishes (this isn't a complaint about that either) and then dinner/breakfast with mom. yesterday i spent the morning playing Mario 64 DS and then all evening our internet was randomly down for some unknown reason, so it's Wednesday on the week of my birthday, and that puts us a little less than half a week to Halloween and i have no costume ideas for myself or the dolls, and invitations to multiple events that should involve them. xD and so it's out there and said, my birthday was great, and i love the presents i got.

for me i do have backup nerd costumes, but most of them are warm weather Con costumes, not chilly-ish October dress up things. and las year i cobbled together doll costumes from things i had lying around, but that's less fun than an actual costume. i'll probably work on doll costumes this week so i can dress one or two dolls up (depending on sizing) for the meetup this Saturday i'll be hitting with mom. so far as i know she's got something planned for the newest one of hers, but i'm thinking of going bigger for mine. i think i have an idea for Eve, but since it's pretty much entirely PITA materials, i'm gonna see how it turns out before i say much else. xD i also have to find them since i think i packed them away in my office-binge-cleaning. dang.

anyhow, i've got a lot to get done before this weekend, so i think this post is pretty much done.

i kinda feel like this deserves its own title

song+ Sparks Fly- Taylor Swift- Speak Now
book+ nothing
quest+ assembling my Tomb King army
upper+ i have plenty of art things for the moment
downer+ nothing i can identify (which kinda makes it worse)
attire+ pajamas. word.
drink+ water

i'm trying to fight off a crushing wave of depression, but i can feel it overpowering me. i should be sleeping now, i didn't get to bed until 3am.. i woke up at 7:30.

understand that several years ago i was diagnosed manic-depressive (and several other things too) and this basically means there's a chemical imbalance in my mind that has good moods ebbing and flowing, regardless of external factors. while it's technically the same condition, i'm not considered bi-polar like Kyu is. his mood swings are instant, here and gone in moments and generally triggered by something incidental, mine are more subtle, to the degree that i frequently don't feel myself slipping until i find myself scrambling for purchase to climb back up a mountain. so basically, there's nothing i can do to prevent becoming depressed or melancholy, but i do everything i can to kick-start the climb back to human when i do fall.

now i can feel it, which means i'm already pretty far down, and i'm trying to work my way back to normal, but none of my usual efforts are producing any results. i've tried channeling it into multiple art projects; painting, sewing, design work, sculpting. it's slowly turning out decent work, but my mood isn't improving. i can't talk it out either. the attempts i've made to do so have left me angry (at my helplessness primarily), and they generally trigger a crash in Kyu's mood with matching rage-fit.. so talking it out like this seemed the next logical step.

the thing is, while i understand that there are things wrong with me, as diagnosed by a doctor, i try to use that knowledge to live as close to normal as i can. i loathe those people who use clinical diagnosis as a crutch to do less and be less. sometimes i wonder how close i'm getting to that knowing-and-compensating vs knowing-and-excusing line. the easiest example is ADD or ADHD. i'm ADHD, and i know plenty of others who are and manage to live reasonably productive lives on and off medication. i know it makes parenting harder, but that doesn't mean you just let your kid do whatever and write it off as a byproduct, enforcing discipline is part of parenting. trouble paying attention never drove me to wrecking a whole classroom's learning experience, i just doodled and retreated into my mind. conversely, there are some parents that drug their ADD kids to a near comatose level so they don't have to deal, and that's not the solution either.

i think my biggest issue, worse than the roller coaster moods, is my Social Anxiety Disorder. basically, i'm cripplingly shy, it affects every day of my life. the thought of talking to a stranger, or even someone i know but not closely, has paralyzed me before. even with family, i retreat more often than i offer companionship. it's easier to contact Roro or moose than anyone else, but even then, i sometimes have to push myself. Jenni's been married for nearly a decade now and it wasn't until this year i actually managed to initiate conversation with EITHER of her daughters, and carry it on for more than a few sentences. i clutch when i have to call someone, even Kyu. i can answer a phone, and carry on a (reasonably) intelligent conversation, but there's a 90% chance i'll have a mini-meltdown after hanging up. phones terrify me, most of my coping mechanisms regarding human relationships were developed for face to face contact, and on the phone that's all useless and i worry that someone will see through the falsehoods to my weaknesses. even understanding that my fears are irrational, i can't really seem to overcome them. i manage posts like this every so often, because even though i'm generally aware of who will read it, the internet carries a safety blanket in an illusion of anonymity. plus i have time to go over and rework what i say so i don't inadvertently share more than i'm prepared to.

i'm a proponent of honesty in relationships. i think if you tell the truth, there's a chance of momentary hurt feelings, but overall the lack of wondering about deception keeps things healthier. this includes, in my mind at least, not making promises if you're unsure of a capacity to keep them. "i'll never hurt you" is the easiest lie to tell. most of the time you don't intend to hurt someone, but you can never control how someone else will react to you. with all this said, i don't think keeping a secret is the same as lying, and with my difficulty opening up to people, i have a lot of secrets. they're not even all important, sometimes just things that i don't think need mentioning since doing so would involve psyching myself up to call someone. i've been with Kyu in our dating relationship slightly longer than Jenni's been married, and we were friends before that. even after knowing me pretty closely for a decade, there are things i haven't told him. he knows important things, and trivial things, and if i'm gonna share something it's easiest with him, because i feel like we fit, but there are things he doesn't know. some of the things that shaped me into who i am are things i don't talk about to anyone. some are relatively common knowledge (even if i didn't want anyone to know initially) like the thing that pretty much defined my jr high years and screwed all my relationships up for a few years.

oddly, i've discovered that my reluctance to share my own secrets has made me a lightning rod of a secret keeper for other people. i was the first person Naku came out to, followed years later by the family and Significant Other. i knew about Rory's gender dysphoria and transition probably before anyone else, even before Rory knew there was a term for the feeling of dis-belonging, or not-fitting right in his own body. i was one of the only people initially told when Moose was assaulted, because i knew what it felt like to want to shroud yourself in the pain to heal alone, especially when too much time had passed to do anything legally. and several more from various people that have yet to be shared with anyone else. i know what it's like to confess a closely guarded secret and be judged as a lesser person because of it, it's like being told that you're flawed and imperfect and unworthy of love. worse is to talk about being a victim and be blamed for instigating the situation. because i know those feelings intimately, i'm a pretty safe confessor. i sometimes find myself saddened that listening to other people's secrets is about as intimate as my relationships get, and my role is almost entirely passive. no more interaction than a journal, but with less risk of someone sneaking in to read it.

State of the Neko address: week 87

song+ Great DJ- the Ting Tings- We Started Nothing
book+ Heroes of Olympus (book2) the Son of Neptune
quest+ DQ9 perfect game file
upper+ Footloose was really good!
downer+ the concert didn't happen *sigh*
attire+ pajamas
drink+ AriZona Strawberry Kiwi juice

the last week didn't turn out quite how i expected it to. as you're likely all aware, i was REALLY excited about the Hanson concert. Rose had asked off work early so she could go with me, and i'd invited Ashley and Kayla along. Kayla told me that if there was a Ranger game she'd have to work Saturday, so that didn't happen, and on friday Ashley decided that since she didn't really know any of the songs by them, she'd rather spend time with me otherwise, so we agreed to meet for lunch before i was set to leave with Rose. lunch went well, i had an awesome time, but after i got home while i was looking up directions to the fairgrounds, i saw a notice stating that the concert was canceled due to illness within the band. pretty sad, but it happens, so i called Rose and we rearranged our day of awesome by heading out to the nearly-dead mall with its super-cheap theater and seeing Footloose. after that we browsed the Dillards clearance center (i think the only open store in that mall) then headed to Sonic for food. at Sonic we got a message from Jenni that she wanted to see Footloose too, so we said find another showing, it was good enough to watch again! xD so we saw it again at the expensive theater in the good mall. xD it was really good. in some ways better than the original, i think. not by miles or anything, but it cut out the drama!bits and shifted around a few details to make things flow better. the biggest change (Ren's mother being dead in this version) actually serves to make the most "okay what?" moments from the original actually make sense in this one. i very much enjoyed it.

my Sunday was spent working on a modification to a toy i got in a blind-packed box while trying for another. tokidoki does these cute designer toys where there's a few designs and you don't know which one you'll get when you open it, but that mystery makes you wanna keep trying. i ended up with this rasta-unicorn(pegasus) while trying for the cute rainbow one from my Thor tee-shirt (see below), which i did end up with eventually. since i have no interest in a rasta-corn, i spent Sunday alternating between modding it onto something cuter, and looking at houses i can't possibly afford to live in online. xD the good news is i found Kyu's dream home, the bad news is it's like 2 million bucks. i'll be sure to get right on that whole becoming a multi-millionaire thing.

for the conversion, i cut off all the dreadlocks and fluffed up the tail and gave her short curly hair, that started to resemble snakes halfway through, so i went with it and made myself an equine gorgon. i think i'm gonna call her Maddie. xD she's still in the 24hour curing stage of working with grey stuff, but i should have her re-painted and ready for finished pictures later this week. xD i plan to do her flesh in a rusty bronze, with green hair and either onyx or pearl hooves and horn. the in-progress pictures are blurry, but i'll do better when she's done. xD i dunno if you can tell, but over one ear i actually gave her a little snakey companion.. i think it's cute.

State of the Neko address: week 86

song+ Penny & Me- Hanson- Underneath
book+ DQ9 strategy guide
quest+ DQ9 perfect game file
upper+ the concert is in a few days! yay! xD
downer+ a few iffy spots on my arm will need touch-up work
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk

time kinda got away from me again this week. no good excuse, i was just really involved in my playing of DQ9. i'm working on a perfect game file.. it's taking a while. xD this means fighting every enemy at least once, finishing every quest offered, and collecting one of every item. it's much harder than you'd think. i've been working on it for a week and some and i'm at maybe 80% completion.

i'm looking forward to the Hanson concert this weekend, it'll be me, Moose, Ashley, and maybe Kayla (if she doesn't have to work) and it's gonna be awesome. i'm SO excited about it that i've been trying to get everyone to listen to my favorite tracks to get them to understand why i'm so excited. xD it hasn't worked so far, but that's hardly deterring me. for the record the 10 tracks (& their origin albums) i suggest trying out to form an opinion post-MmmBop are the following:
Penny & Me (Underneath)
Give A Little (Shout It Out)
Strong Enough to Break (Underneath)
Musical Ride (Shout It Out)
Blue Sky (the Walk)
Thinkin' Bout Something (Shout It Out)
Lost Without Each Other (Underneath)
Running Man (the Walk)
Carry You There (Shout It Out)
Tearing It Down (the Walk)
seriously, try these tracks out (like on YouTube or whatever if you're not ready to commit to buying them) and then make up your mind about the band. a lot changes over 15 years of songwriting. xD the last three albums have been absolutely phenomenal, and i'm just really really happy to be going to see them in a few days. my favorite album changes based on my mood, but by far my favorite track overall remains Penny & Me, which is why it's at the top of the recommendation list.

my music tattoo is healing pretty well. there's a few spots that'll need to be touched up, but i'm overall very happy with it. anyhow, for those who somehow missed it one Facebook, i have a picture of it shortly after it was completed, and when the healing is done i'll take another one of it. it's blurry because the camera it was taken with was accidentally sat on and with the screen blackened Kyu couldn't see to focus it properly. xD any pictures i took now (with my camera) would be clear, but would have scabbing and that doesn't make it look very awesome. as a bonus though, i do have a picture of the design drawing i did that became the stencil for it. i suppose this is also proof for people that think it's a script used for the letters and not my handwriting. the bars got left out of the tattoo for fear of blurring and just looking generally icky, but on the sketch you can actually tell where the notes are and hum Zelda's Lullaby to yourself, if you're so inclined. xD these are sized more or less to scale too.

State of the Neko address: week 85

song+ Blue Sky- Hanson- the Walk
book+ DQ9 strategy guide
quest+ cleaning, arcana project, being emotionally supportive to Kyu
upper+ i'm having fun with DQ9
downer+ feeling strange lately
attire+ pajamas
drink+ water

so this is late, but yesterday i was distracted by video games, and really i don't have much to talk about. this weekend Kyu went back to the tattoo shop. it was a slow one, but that's okay. tonight i should be heading up to the shop (after Kyu gets home from job1) to have Vance do my music tattoo. there's a slight chance of things happening differently, but i'm optimistic about it getting done tonight.

i've been really cold lately, like when it's a normally-comfortable temperature in the apartment. my hands and feet have been freezing pretty much perpetually for a few weeks now, so since Vance keeps the shop REALLY cold, i think i'll take up my hoodie so i don't freeze tonight. Saturday i didn't really think it through and i wore a tank, i was shivering off and on, heading outside to warm up at 1am (not by myself, don't worry). last night i even tried to sleep with socks on to see if it'd help keep my feet warm, the answer is no. they fell off and my feet remained cold. xD the only upside is surprising/torturing people by putting my frozen fingers on their necks and hearing them shriek indignantly as i ask "do my hands feel cold to you?" it never gets old.

progress on the arcana design project is still stalled. i did one last week, but ended up dissatisfied with it, so i pretty much have to do it again from scratch. the others i'm still fine with when i look them over, but this most recent one is really just terrible in comparison, and doesn't really suit the thematic concept either, so it'll be redone. ..just not today. xD

thirty gaming questions answered (some with pictures)

okay, Kyu found this and figured it's something that i'd really enjoy doing, so he passed it along. i realize that a lot of you aren't really gamers, but i am- so i'm totally embracing this. i am condensing it to one post though to make it marginally easier on all of you.

1: Very first video game.
the first i remember are Super Mario Brothers 3, and Dragon Quest/Warrior on the NES
2: Your favorite character.
Luigi, i adore the gangly coward
3: A game that is underrated.
Myst (PC)
4: Your guilty pleasure game.
Pokemon. or Harvest Moon- which i tend to abandon before much happens, it's just fun to run a farm into the ground in a matter of days. without needing a social network to play.
5: Game character you feel you are most like (or wish you were).
Luigi. kinda easily spooked, and on the lazy side, but i get things done when they matter, and i don't let people mess with my family.
6: Most annoying character.
Navi from Ocarina of Time. Aeris from Final Fantasy 7.
7: Favorite game couple.
Mario/Peach
8: Best soundtrack.
Zelda as a franchise.. which explains my efforts to design a Zelda's Lullaby music appreciation tattoo
9: Saddest game scene.
in Dragon Quest 4 (DS) when your hero's best friend transforms into your doppelganger and goes to die in your place and you read the dialog as the monster army slaughters her off-screen and you're unable to move at all until they leave the scene of the crime. you emerge from the hidden basement to see the once idyllic villi age decimated, heaps of rubble and poisonous swampy puddles mar the landscape and you have to leave the only home you've ever known as your journey begins.
10: Best gameplay.
Zelda: Phantom Hourglass worked particularly well with the DS touch controls
11: Gaming system of choice.
Nintendo DS. it's just so convenient!
12: A game everyone should play.
Dance Central on Xbox 360's Kinect peripheral. it's astoundingly fun and impossible to fail. it's possible to do badly, but you can't actually fail out of a song.
13: A game you’ve played more than five times.
Dragon Quest 4. Pokemon (most of them actually, but Ruby/Sapphire in particular).
14: Current (or most recent) gaming wallpaper.
cutesy FF13 fan art of the characters in their vehicles

15: Post a screenshot from the game you’re playing right now.
Dragon Quest 6 (DS)

16: Game with the best cut scenes.
best-integrated visually? Blue Dragon (360). most emotionally impressive? FF13 (360). most amusing? Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story (DS)
17: Favorite antagonist.
Bowser (playable in the aforementioned M&L:BIS
18: Favorite protagonist.
Luigi/Link
19: Picture of a game setting you wish you lived in.
Lego Batman (360)

20: Favorite genre.
RPG/Adventure. battle-parties, Mario & Zelda are my mainstays
21: Game with the best story.
Dragon Quest 8 (PS2) is nice in that it gives you more story if you put more into it. there's levels of story you can get from it that are entirely hidden if you just push though blindly, exploring the world makes the whole thing SO much deeper.
22: A game sequel which disappointed you.
i suppose comparatively speaking since Final Fantasy 2 is the only one i don't like it could count, but it's not a sequel strictly speaking. more accurately FF12: Revenant Wings wasn't great. i still prefer it to some other games though.
23: Game you think had the best graphics or art style.
Zelda as a franchise has innovated the medium time and again. i adore Wind Waker/ Phantom Hourglass/ Spirit Tracks and Minish Cap- the cute cel-shaded cartoony look of them is fantastic. the painted impressionistic design being used for Skyward Sword looks fantastic too though.
24: Favorite classic game.
Super Mario World (SNES)
25: A game you plan on playing.
Zelda Skyward Sword (Wii)/ Ocarina of Time (3DS)
26: Best voice acting.
most of my games don't have voice acting.. i suppose Kingdom Hearts? (PS2)
27: Most epic scene ever.
most of God of War (PS2) feels like this the first time you see it. for sure the Chernobog fight in Kingdom Hearts since the Night on Bald Mountain segment of Fantasia used to give me nightmares.
28: Favorite game developer.
umm.. i have a few. publisher would be Square/Enix or Nintendo. developer.. i don't really know? Arte Piazza did great with the DS versions of the DQ games, basically the groups that put out the games i play most.
29: A game you thought you wouldn’t like, but ended up loving.
the Shin Megami Tensei games, which Kyu initially bought. they seemed a bit dark for me at first, but ended up a little more optimistic than first impressions would suggest.. kinda like a demonic version of Pokemon.
30: Your favorite game of all time.
Dragon Quest 4.

State of the Neko address: week 84, part 2

song+ Science and Faith- the Script- Science and Faith
book+ nothing presently
quest+ working more on the apartment cleaning
upper+ recent drama has been peaceably resolved
downer+ i'm still having trouble working consistently on anything
attire+ pajamas. comfort. word.
drink+ water. i've already hit my milk quota for the first half of the week. *sigh*

(if the tenses in this get squiffy it's because it was drafted from 10:30pm Monday through 7am Tuesday off and on)

okay so, we've returned from the shop (and dinner at mommy2's) and as may already be realized by his Facebook status (for those of you that are his friends) Kyu's decided to finish out his promised year with the shop. as a compromise of sorts, he'll be working less hours. from every day to Thursday-Friday-Saturday, with the realization that he's allowed to take days off for family events. he was never told otherwise, but his obsessive drive to not let anyone down had him working to exhaustion and burning out. the last few weeks having time off to breathe and think has really improved his disposition. at the end of this year we'll see how he feels about continuing to do it in general.

also i'm thinking about having Vance do a tattoo for me. he's offered before, but there's never been anything i really wanted (or a space i'd be willing to put it). now i'm thinking he could do either my music tattoo, or the Zelda one i think i want. or i may combine them into one design, probably for my arm. i'll talk to him this weekend in any case. xD as it is he's talking about me maybe trying to tattoo, or just design flash. i have no ambition for it really, but i'd be okay with selling a collection of the doodles i do for fun. xD as it is i think i'll focus on refining my Zelda/music ideas so i can show them to Vance this weekend to see if he's willing to try any of them out. xD

for some reason our apartment started smelling like burnt marshmallow today. no idea where the smell is coming from, but it's starting to be kinda annoying. X.x i kinda just wish the smell would go away. on the bright side, the smell is curbing my junk-food cravings pretty effectively. whoo. it's hard to want to eat anything at all actually when the whole apartment smells so strongly of burnt sugar. i'm really hoping that the smell goes away soon on its own since we can't figure out where the smell is coming from. the smell's less intense now than it was like 6 yesterday afternoon, so that's good. the only thing that's changed is that we unplugged the microwave. i somehow don't think that's it though.. xD

just so everyone knows, i found a ride for my birthday concert (probably)! Moose is gonna ask off early that day so she can take me and we're gonna have an AMAZING time, i am SO excited about this! though if anyone else wants to go we can still plan to do a group thing, that'd actually be pretty awesome, Kyu just won't be paying for tons of us to go. xD he'll for sure pay for me and Moose, but at one point he said if someone else also wants to he'd pay for three people, possibly four. it's something that can be worked out, if it needs to happen. xD

but yeah, unrelated- i've made it into the beginning of the fifth season of Ace of Cakes. xD it has remained awesome and amusing. i have it playing in the background while i work on other things.

my complete inability to read sheet music has put a substantial wrinkle in my idea to chart Zelda's Lullaby on bars as part of my nerdy/musical potential-tattoo undertaking. i want it depicted accurately enough for someone to be able to play my tattoo if they wanted to. it's relatively obscure on the surface, and subtle enough that it could just be viewed as a music appreciation thing. xD i suppose there's a chance that someone nerdier has already charted it and i'll find it online. it'd be simpler though if i had the capacity to do it myself.

there WAS sheet music of it online! the hard part was finding a simple piano version and not the super brain-explodey mega-complicated orchestral version used by the actual Nintendo orchestra. but yeah, mission accomplished, a piano version was found and successfully transcribed into my design. yay! xD i do think that due to the size required to keep the music notes from being all blobby and smooshed together the only place this design will really fit will be on my forearm. i mean there are plenty of other places it'd fit, but not many that would really look good with my body type, or that i'm willing to try for placement of it. xD i'll definitely be taking the draft i've done for it up to the shop later this week to see what Vance thinks though. if he's in the mood i may even see if he'll do it this Thursday or Friday, who knows? xD

State of the Neko address: week 84

song+ Science and Faith- the Script- Science and Faith
book+ nothing presently
quest+ finding a companion for the concert
upper+ i'm kinda working again on my project
downer+ it's going pretty slowly
attire+ pajamas. i'm not getting dressed just to hit up the tattoo shop
drink+ milk. yay milk!

so tonight is when Kyu is going up to the tattoo shop for (hopefully) the last time to do a promised tattoo on Vance (the owner of the shop), and to have the "i seriously don't wanna do this anymore, could you please stop calling me?" conversation in person. he's requested i go along as moral support, so i'll be at the tattoo shop tonight. whee. i suppose the upside to losing my night to spending the evening at the shop is that i'll have time to draw and ignore everyone and i may finally make progress on my arcana designs again. i did get one and two thirds done at grandpa's this weekend.. that's one done (High Priestess), and one drawn and inked (Heirophant) waiting for coloring. i'll just go up with my art stuff and iPod and ignore anyone that walks in (and probably some tv) while i hole up in a corner and see how much i can get done. xD it depends on how long we're actually up there really.

i've had an urge to watch my Ace of Cakes DVDs lately, but they got misplaced somehow shortly after mom returned them to me.. like close to two years ago. Kyu thinks i loaned them to Tiff, but since i initially borrowed season one from her (then bought it, two, and three for myself) if i had loaned it to her, i'd still have season one lying around somewhere, right? it's making me crazy, but to get by for now, i just downloaded all ten seasons and i'm working my way through them on my computer. i'm just about through season three, so soon i'll be into the episodes i haven't seen, until i hit like season 8, which was the one on tv when i was watching it enough to buy the DVDs. really though i just wish i knew where they went. there's been a gap in my DVD shelving for like two years now. X.x

random quote of hilarity from Ace of Cakes (S03E08): "King Tut was kinda a lesser pharaoh, he's only a big deal because his tomb wasn't raided." *blank stares* "he was like the Martin VanBuren of pharaohs". *laughter*
..i dunno, it was funny when i heard it. xD

State of the Neko address: week 83

song+ Musical Ride- Hanson- Shout It Out
book+ Sailor Moon v1 (Kodansha ed)/ DQ6 guide
quest+ sewing and selling my finished tarot arcana designs
upper+ i have material on-hand suitable for most of them
downer+ i don't know if i'll be able to earn enough fast enough
attire+ pajamas. i'm a firm believer in comfort facilitating creativity
drink+ water.. maybe milk in a little while

so the last week hasn't included much productivity on my part, i actually spent most of it re-playing the Zenithian trilogy (4/5/6) of Dragon Quest games. so at least i had fun, and i reaffirmed that DQ4 is easily my favorite game ever. it may only be half as long as 5, and less than a third the length of 6, but it's made of undiluted awesome and i adore it. xD i get other games and i briefly enjoy them, but i have fun every time i play DQ4 and nothing ever manages to dull the shine of it for very long at all.

since i spent the weekend seriously thinking about it and weighing my options, i think i'm gonna see what i can do to make enough money to order Iple Bibiane after all. i want her for Eve's sister- Lilith (mother of all vampires). yeah, she may be released as a standard sculpt later on, but i really want her outfit and rifle/knife set too, so i'm gonna see if i can sell stuff to earn what i'll need for her (see the screen cap of my mock order below). if i do i'll be ordering her for my birthday, since her order period closes the day before it, so that's cool. Kyu wants me to sew up (and sell) the Arcana dresses i already have designed before i draw up any more. he figures if i do that i can easily manage the amount that i need. i just have doubts that i could manage to earn it in time. he could be right, but i'm reluctant to bank on my evident awesome magically pulling in just what i need right in the nick of time. xD Kyu figures that if i can make half of what i need for her by Oct 10 i'll be able to make the other half by the end of the order period, or close enough thereafter to do a short layaway. it's a goal to work toward at least. xD


i suppose that if i'm gonna try for her i should stop playing on my computer and head up to the office to start sewing things to sell. xD there's still a bit to move around so i can work comfortably up there, but i should be ready tomorrow to get to work on it all. whee!


there's one other thing to mention though, and it only applies to the local people, really (because as awesome as it'd be, i don't really see Roro flying down, finagling us a ride, and hitting a concert with me just to fly home after). for my birthday this year all i've told Kyu i want from him is to go to the Oct 15 Hanson concert at the State Fair (that's a Saturday, and it's slated to start at 8:30pm). he's willing to pay my way, and the admission of whoever takes me, but he'd really rather not go himself. he'll admit that their stuff got much better later on, but he'd prefer not to listen to it all the same. does anyone want to take me and enjoy a free concert and my company? i figure if i throw this out there now i'm likely to get a reply in time to actually plan something. xD

State of the Neko address: week 82

song+ I Do Not Hook Up- Kelly Clarkson- All I Ever Wanted
book+ In the Garden/ DQ5 guide
quest+ finishing my tarot arcana designs
upper+ inspiration has returned!
downer+ i did like.. nothing for the last week
attire+ pajamas
drink+ root beer float of AWESOME

it's late in the week for this. i have no good excuse, inspiration just abandoned me last week after i finished Jenni's paintings. i hadn't thought of a single clever thing, anything at all worth noting or sharing since then until i woke up today with 3/4 of my High Priestess design just sitting in my head waiting for me to notice it.

after waking i took a few moments to scribble what i had for refinement after i walked Harley. xD now that i'm kinda back in the swing of things i do feel much better. fiddling with the remaining details of High Priestess has started sparking ideas for the corresponding Wise One outfit. i think that with the ideas i have percolating getting back on-track this weekend should be relatively simple. yay!

i suppose that i should share other news here too since that's what some of you come for. xD Kyu is officially no longer tattooing. this is his second week of not working two jobs and the change in his mood has been phenomenal! i waited a bit to share the news with everyone because last week Vance (the shop owner) kept trying to convince him to come back for touch ups or to work again, or even to get free work. this week that seems to have stopped after finally communicating his dissatisfaction with tattooing as a career choice. the way the not-doing-it came about influenced his desire to stay not-doing-it too. about two weekends ago Vance told all the apprentices that the shop was closing, then asked Kyu to come by the next day to talk about something secret. the secret wound up being that he wasn't actually closing and just didn't feel up to firing the others directly. X.x that pretty much drove the nail into the coffin of Kyu's desire to do it. he doesn't mind the actual work of tattooing, but he hates the drama and backstabbing in the shops around here, and it's colored his perception of the field to the degree that he has no desire to look for another shop elsewhere in spite of his being really good at it.

i just want him to be happy, and since he's started making noises about wanting to draw comics again, i'm encouraging that. it's been his dream since Superman was killed to draw comics that influence young minds like that one touched him. if he's ready (again) to start trying for that i'm happy for him. it was fear and inconvenience that halted his last effort, combined with dissatisfaction over the direction superhero books were heading, but he's tried harder (far more inconvenient) things in the meantime and the fear has lessened greatly, so he's feeling ready to try again. yay him. it does help that he's realized he'd rather draw a monster book than a cape book. that realization seriously alters his aim heading into things. xD

when he was growing up there wasn't really a market for supernatural books, they'd fallen in sales and been canceled every time they'd been attempted, but Hellboy (then BPRD) really changed that. it made people realize that a monster book didn't have to be a cape book with monsters, it could be crime procedural, or buddy-cop, or historical drama.. any number of things really, now there's actually enough of a market that doing one isn't just for established creators looking for something different. these strange books are actually how some people are making their names. in the last few years more and more non-standard books came out from smaller publishers, and sold well enough to actually finish the initial storyline out. these books were frequently the first books put out by their creators and the successes left them with openings to do MORE. i firmly believe that Kyu is good enough to do the same, if he can just stick with it. he doubts his talent, and his perception of SELF shifts often enough (taking his art style with it) that he discourages himself from thinking he'll ever be able to succeed. X.x since nothing i say to him ever makes a difference i need to say it here. i believe in him.

also, the teaser up for Iple's newest limited girl- the Old West one? she looks stunning and i can't wait to see the whole doll, even though there's better odds of ice-skating in a volcano than being able to order her for myself. xD

State of the Neko address: week 81

song+ On the Floor- Jennifer Lopez (ft Pitbull)- Love?
book+ the Nora Roberts Brides quartet
quest+ finishing my tarot arcana designs
upper+ inspiration is plentiful
downer+ expected but annoying issues post avocado encounter
attire+ pajamas
drink+ milk, my fondest love..

this isn't a Monday post, but seeing as i was delayed by socialization and not laziness i think it's forgivable. xD i spent my Monday with Jenni hanging out and talking and it was great. the only thing close to a smudge on the day was the smidgen of guacamole still in the loaded queso we had for lunch/early afternoon snack. we did remove the generous scoop before mixing up the rest, but it left vague remnants. not enough to leave me in anaphylactic shock, but today my tongue is swollen enough to cause me to lisp and my throat is so raw it hurts to drink anything at all. as breathing is unimpeded i consider the calculated risk worth it. it was damn good queso and conversation. xD

let's see, what else is going on? after my early-Sunday post (that felt like late Saturday to me) i headed upstairs to read for several hours and it occurred to me that even though i showed no other symptoms, the persistent (mild) fever and bouts of chills i'd been dealing with for a few days probably meant i was sick, so figuring a nap would help, i went to sleep something around one on Sunday afternoon and woke up about 7:30 Monday morning. since i felt considerably better i'll assume i needed it. i still feel better aside from the (expected) avocado difficulties. that's kinda what i get for willingly eating something visibly tainted by food i'm allergic to. xD except for lisping and a sore throat i feel fine today though, and i'm looking forward to heading back upstairs in a little while to either plug away on designs for my arcana project or to see what i turn out painting.

i've agreed to paint something for Jenni to complement the design aesthetic she already has going in her room, and also to complement their new bedroom set. i'm relatively sure i can turn out something that will please all involved, and something that i won't be ashamed to admit to producing. i have colors in mind, and a few nebulous ideas, but i don't think i want to plan this too much beyond mixing the colors, i'm thinking instinct rather than planning will produce the best results in this instance. in any event i'm happy to be working through more of my music, as soon as my iPod is done syncing the new playlist.

have i mentioned that i reached the Js for artists in my alphabetical listening to everything i have quest? xD my most recent playlist is most of J (starting with J.Lo) through the beginning of L (Lady Gaga) with the bonus of my rather hefty chunk listed for artist as Cast Recording (which somehow evaded an earlier playlist). Cast Recording is my default label for all my show tunes and soundtracks, unless there's one specific composer. it's easier than iTunes listing who's actually singing each song and making it list as a bajillion albums, and easier to navigate than "Various". it's the one i use on almost everything except for August Rush (which came listed as August Rush as an artist) or the Labyrinth soundtrack (which credits itself as a David Bowie album) or the Josie and the Pussycats movie soundtrack which is actually Letters to Cleo but credits itself as Josie and the Pussycats. i can only hope this playlist goes smoother than D through the beginning of J did. that was a good chunk of my summer between Enya, Goo Goo Dolls and Hoobastank each having several albums. xD this list includes all my Kylie Minogue and the Kings of Leon i got from Moose so there'll be hangups but K should be the only letter i spend more than a day or two on. i don't think i have a single artist who released an album prior to 2009 where i only have one album from them. xD generally i get ALL OF IT then listen to every bit and get rid of the things i don't care for. i just hate thinking that impatience could keep me from discovering something fantastic that just never got radio play. of course, i'd hardly know the difference since i don't listen to the radio. i pretty much rely entirely on recommendations and word of mouth to discover new music. xD

i've got other things tumbling in my mind, but nothing i'm ready to share, so i guess this post is done. xD

State of the Neko address: week 80, part 2

song+ Easy Breezy- Hikaru Utada- Exodus
book+ the manual that came with my tarot deck
quest+ finishing my tarot arcana designs
upper+ inspiration is plentiful
downer+ the dog's behavior is increasingly bizarre
attire+ khaki pants and a green tee
drink+ milk, my fondest love..

i've been hard at work on my Arcana themed outfit project since my Wednesday post. i re-did Moon and am now satisfied, so i've moved on and i now have 13 of 30 designs completed, and i'm likely to continue designing all weekend at the shop and at home. to the best of my recollection my completed themes now are: Fool, Empress, Lover, Strength, Devil, Tower, Stars, Moon, Sun, Judgement, World, Queen of Chalices, and Queen of Swords. there's still quite a few to go, but the ideas are plentiful and i'm feeling motivated. i've given each of the suits an elemental correspondence picked as carefully as possible after carefully considering meaning and equivalents in a modern deck of cards (which many people don't realize evolved from tarot after removing the major arcana except for the Fool; which became the joker, as chalices/cups became hearts, pentacles/coins became diamonds, wands/staves became clubs, and swords became spades). this elemental arrangement feels the most right to me. for the purposes of this project Chalices are water, Pentacles are air, Wands are earth, and Swords are fire. i'm gonna finish the Queens next and then move on to the Knights before hitting the rest of the major arcana. i'm hoping that inspiration continues to flow freely.

it helps that i FINALLY have working headphones again. mine died about two months ago, and my really good pair of metallic hot pink & white Skullcandy DJ headphones were eaten by Harley more than a year ago, so i'd been making due with cheap ear bud sets since then. upon (finally) realizing that 20 bucks every few months is in no way cheaper than spending 40 bucks for a good replacement set, we waited for Kyu to have a good week at the shop and bought me another set of Skullcandy DJs Saturday afternoon. this pair isn't the same color scheme as the last set, they're a muted navy & black, but they sound just as fantastic and it's wonderful to be able to take my music with me again. it makes it WAY easier to ignore the garbage perpetually on the TV in the shop and play things that keep me in the mindset i need for whichever theme i'm attempting to capture. it certainly helps that they're not ear buds, so they do a pretty awesome job blocking out other noises. even at low volumes there's very little competing with the sound of my music, so it's more comfortable in fit and noise level.

i've discovered in the last year that being entirely unable to afford fun side projects is actually pretty good for me. it's made me make lists and do comparison shopping for the best possible deals on everything so i can price things out. i save my findings in word documents then look them over after a few months, and for most of them, i've realized it's not something i really care about after all. xD it's bound to save me money when i actually have it again, since the habit's one i can see myself maintaining. i do have something like 8 dolls on that list, but only 6 count i think. 2 are re-shells (Rosalie and FaithAnn want the updated joints), and thus their original versions will be sold off after replacement and they won't increase my doll count. 2 complete that mini-family (with Kyu and Umi represented since i still love her- even in absentia), and i eventually wanna get a JID to be Roro, but the right facial sculpt hasn't been released yet. 2 will be character dolls from comics i like (as Xavin technically is), they'll be Stephanie Brown's Batgirl, and Cassandra Cain's BlackBat versions of their characters. the last 2 will be my Amphitrite-and-Son modding projects. this kinda seems like a lot of (eventual) incoming dolls, but there were three or four other concepts that were stricken from the list after careful consideration and loss of interest. not having space to display things didn't curb my impulse-spending, but a lack of funds is working wonders. xD it's also encouraging me to work with the things i already have, so i'm clearing out some of my cache of random stuff.

even with all that on my list of awesome stuff i can't afford (yet) it's at the bottom of the list. i did the responsible thing and prioritized by how much the stuff on the list will actually improve the quality of life for me and Kyu. at the top are things related to our living situation (car, better living situation), followed by wardrobe choices we'd like to eventually work toward and awesome shoes, then at the bottom something like 5 grand (rounded up, but including shipping costs) in dolls i eventually want. xD when i'm finally bringing money into the house, it'll pay off the bits i owe people, then be saved pretty much exclusively to make a down payment on a car. there's no point hurry on this, since neither of us drives, but the thought of having a decent cache saved up for a down payment makes trying to learn seem more important. as things stand now other things keep getting in the way of driving lessons, but if we're actively saving for a car maybe it'll seem more urgent to learn and things will finally come together for us in that regard. there's no point in thinking too hard about that though since i'm not yet bringing any money in. xD hopefully i'll be changing that soon.

State of the Neko address: week 80

song+ Moves Like Jagger- Maroon 5 (feat Christina Aguilera)
book+ the manual that came with my tarot deck
quest+ getting in touch with Moose
upper+ my ideas are flowing with minimal struggle
downer+ Kyu had a miserable birthday mostly due to his lousy attitude
attire+ khaki pants and a purple tank
drink+ Dr Pepper

before i start, i'm curious enough to ask: has anyone else had trouble getting in touch with Moose this week? i've called something like four times over two days, and texted a few more times. no response to anything at all. i'm annoyed, and vaguely worried. me reaching her isn't life-and-death, but i've never had so much trouble with it. i have some things of hers i'd like to return, and a few errands that'd be more fun to take care of with her along, but i can't get in touch with her. so yeah- annoyed, and vaguely worried.
update: finally got in touch with her. apparently it was a hiccup between our phones because Metro sucks like that.

i know i'm late posting again this week, but i was distracted by productivity, then being sick. Saturday, Sunday and Monday i was focusing on this brainstorm i had for 30 unique doll outfits. i wanna do one for each of the 22 major arcana of a tarot deck, then the knight and queen themes for each suit. i have ideas for a few of them, but capturing them on paper is proving trickier than i figured it'd be. i've drawn up Strength and Stars designs i'm satisfied with, and i have Moon and Sun in my head, but Moon is proving especially tricky because the simplicity i want for it is eluding me. i'll get it right though, i'm sure of it. the best part (besides the challenge) is that i'm sure i'll be able to sell them for a decent profit, and quite a few can be done from materials i already have on-hand. others may require purchasing more, but i'm not worried about any of that yet. i got sidetracked by working on my Dark Elves Monday night (i found a box of Witches and a box of Witch Command while cleaning, so i put them together), then i was sick for most of Tuesday, but today i think i'll be back to working on hammering out the designs. i wanna get Moon done so i can work on Sun, then probably Tower and Judgement. i have vague ideas for Death and the Fool also, but they don't feel quite solid yet, so they're lower on my list. for this project i'm planning to design for all my girls, so i'll be working across my entire span of sizes, though i'm doubtful i'll have very many done at Puki scale. working that tiny is a nightmare, it's why Vanille only has the one outfit so far, every attempt has driven me crazy with the level of focus and detail involved.

i think the most attractive thing about this project is that it's very satisfying for me creatively, and the themes i'm going with are chosen based on who'll look the best wearing my idea, but the designs themselves don't really suit the styles of the girls that'll be modeling them, so i won't be tempted to keep them. xD i think that even selling them for my conservative estimate of value will make enough to help Kyu with a few things that need doing. if i'm right about what i think people would be willing to pay, that's even better and i can make even more. i'm not doing this solely to make money, but it is a secondary concern. i'm very picky about the quality of things i buy, and i think that anything i sell should meet those same guidelines,. i'm figuring that it'll take considerable effort (and all the patience i posses) to produce 30 outfits that are fully lined with uniform nigh-invisible stitches, but doing so will allow me to (in good conscience) charge a little more for the finished product. i don't know what market there is for somewhat arbitrarily-sized outfits representing (mostly) the major arcana in tarot, but one thing the doll hobby has taught me is that there's really a market for just about anything imaginable.

i did mean to post yesterday after realizing i'd missed Monday, but between being lain up ill, and trying to convince Kyu that the birthday well-wishes (despite his facebook status asking everyone to ignore his birthday) weren't malicious taunts designed to make him miserable. he was feeling melodramatic and angsty, and also having a panic attack over turning 25 and having nothing notable to show for his efforts in life thus far save for a mediocre job and apartment. his relationship with me doesn't really count as an achievement apparently, maybe because it reaches back to before we had to pretend we were ready to grow up. xD in any event, he seems to be doing marginally better today. since birthday wishes are unlikely to come a day late, the odds of him aiming a swearing rant at a co-worker are likewise diminished. yeah, that happened yesterday.

so yeah, stuff's going on, but nothing earth-shakingly important. the rest of this week is likely to be spent alternating between tarot costume designs, packing away more upstairs (because the moving thing is kinda up in the air at this point), and placating Kyu when his mood swings get in the way of productivity for either of us in any outlet (which happens more than i generally care to talk about). i wonder what it'd mean to anyone if i said that sometimes dealing with Kyu's abrupt mood swings from jovial to despondent (since i'm the only person he feels will listen when he tries to talk them out) are harder on me than watching my father lose his mind a little more every day before my eyes was. i love Kyu, just as i love Poppa, but there are times that I CAN'T BE THE STRONG ONE. i need to feel like i can fall apart too, and trust someone to just hold me, with no expectation that i'll pull myself together quickly, or efforts to reassemble me on their own. i just need that serenity that comes in the wake of a breakdown, then faith that i'll get past it. it doesn't help that no advice i offer Kyu is ever acted on. he says "tell me what do do" and i give everything i can, then he says "i can't do that" and nothing changes because he's afraid of success.

it's not always bad, but lately it has been and i feel a building need to just get away from everything and stop feeling for a while.. but i can't do that. at this point in time i'm not depressed (i'm remarkably chipper all things considered), but i can feel that inky shadow trying to sneak up on me, and if Kyu can't get a handle on his bi-polar issues, mine will try to take control of me again. i can't let that happen, last year my manic-depression stole three months from me, where i was convinced i was doing something wonderful and when the smoke cleared i'd accomplished nothing tangible and had only left the house once a day to walk the dog (plus the one trip with mom to take care of state tax issues regarding home businesses). three months gone without me really noticing the days passing, i can barely recall any of that time. i don't want it to happen again. that sense of losing myself in that numbing void is too similar to what i saw happening to Poppa every day for years, i have to hold onto me, or i'll lose everything.

State of the Neko address: week 79

song+ Carry You There- Hanson- Shout It Out (this is fantastic and everyone should listen to it!)
book+ Three Sisters trilogy
quest+ figuring out navy and silver on white for fur blushing
upper+ i feel creatively inspired
downer+ i have a ton of other things that take priority
attire+ denim skirt and Human Torch tee
drink+ water.

it's Wednesday and i just realized i have yet to post this week. oops. xD it wasn't really anything i planned, i just forgot to.

i think i've come around to the point where i'm ready t think about selling things i've sewn again. i pushed too hard last time and completely discouraged myself, but the idea of starting simpler than i did before, using my prior efforts differently is appealing. i'm not thinking i'll plunk down and make a bajillion doll dresses and sell them all in days, but i'm thinking i may play around and make a few one-off designs, take my time with them for the pleasure of it. things my girls won't wear except to model them, and then see what other doll owners think of the results. i realize that in some ways i'm way too picky about the quality of my work, and so i tend to think nothing i do is goo enough to sell.. the thing is, any time other people have seen a finished product i'm asked if i really made it, and then why i'm not selling, so i guess other people aren't so picky. so i guess i'm gonna play around and see what i turn out, then see what i can get for it. we'll see how that goes for me.

it's been a few weeks and i still haven't even started on the blushing and face-ups for Amelia and Althea. i haven't been in the right frame of mind to work on them and not screw up, and i don't wanna have to try for days to get it right, so it's been easier to wait for my mood to settle. i want them finished, but i wanna do it right, so i'm making myself wait. a big part of it is the difficulty i've had in the past getting a dark fur color to blend well into pale Soom resin. i want Amelia's hoof fur blushed dark blue and silver, and against the creme white, that'll be pretty hard. i know how i want it to look in the end, nut i'm unsure of my techniques to reach that point, so i'm still researching. xD Kyu thinks i should wait until we buy an airbrush (he wants one for painting his 40k army) but since i don't know how to use one at all, i really don't see how that would make anything easier.

another thing Kyu suggested was getting a second dog. lately Harley's behavior has been regressing (presumably in a bid for attention) and we've responded with more walks, more playtime, and stricter punishment when she misbehaves. but she's still convinced that peeing on the carpet is a surefire way to get our attention, along with barking when we're trying to sleep. Kyu thinks that another dog would giver her a different source of attention when we can't play with her. i think that Harley's already about the most pet we can fit in this apartment, feeding another dog would cost a good bit more than we spend now on dog food, training a new one would be hard with Harley likely to set a terrible example, and the odds of finding a second dog that fits the criteria i'd want in a second pet (a lab-mix of some sort, shortish hair, medium build, female, and free) are slim. we can't afford to buy a dog. dogs are expensive enough to take care of, all the cost-of-ownership stuff is too much, so for now i'm saying it's not possible. i can't deal with more than one misbehaving, mess-making, attention-starved dependent at this point in time. we'll just be using her kennel more and training her behavior a bit more insistently.

State of the Neko address: week 78, part 2

song+ Musical Ride- Hanson- Shout It Out (this is fantastic and everyone should listen to it!)
book+ nothing presently
quest+ making the moving thing realistic
upper+ art lesson today with Bonnie & the kids
downer+ i need money, for lots of things
attire+ pajamas (i'll be getting dressed in a while though)
drink+ milk! i love milk..

i find myself thinking about dolls lately (surprise surprise). i'm a fan of well-done mods to make something unique, and i love inhuman fantasy sculpts like the monthly dolls Soom puts out.. in theory. i've come to realize that i find myself caring more about the face and size, and less about the fantasy parts since it comes down to alternate legs, maybe-wings, and a head with squinted eyes, elf ears, and maybe a horn or two. they're well-done, and generally quite lovely, but i find myself wishing that the designs would push it a little further. i get that they don't so Soom can still sell a standard wardrobe for them, but really i feel that now it's hardly worth looking. don't get me wrong, i LOVE my Adamelli girls, and i'm super-happy i managed to order them, but really they're standard Soom: hooves and a sleepy head with elf ears and horn, and wings. i've realized that even with inhuman features, most of the time it's the outfit selling the concept for me, and since the outfits are frequently OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive, it doesn't really seem worth it very much. the only doll that's really struck me with unique "woah"-ness (besides Vesuvia and her multi-jointed scorpion tail) has been Cass the fish queen. i was REALLY close to ordering her for myself when she was released, but i realized that what i loved were her finny arms, the seashell-ears, and her costume. her face was kinda blah and i really didn't like the execution of the finny feet and scaley legs. i'd have reversed it to match the arms; scaley feet and fins from the calves.

so to realize my affection for modding, and my desire both to do something more complicated and to have a truly unique doll, i've decided that i wanna mod myself a one-off fantasy doll: Amphitrite- Queen of the Ocean. when i started really thinking about this i figured it was a chance to get a facial sculpt i've always really liked and finally have a reason to order her, so i went straight to Fairyland and pulled up MiniFee Lishe. MSD is my preferred scale to work in, and with sufficiently regal costuming and modding a goddess wouldn't really have to be huge. i then realized that she's really not quite right for the image i have, so i pulled up the other sizes available and looked at every basic female available before settling instead on FeePle 65 Chloe (somehow MNF Chloe just isn't as regal). i'm still working on drawing up the changes i wanna make to her, but basically it'll be my slightly more thematically aggressive version of how i'd do Cass. fins from the calves and forearms less ethereal/floaty and more severe/finny, slight scaling on hands and feet to blend with the fins attaching, gills at the ribs- not the neck like you'd think, (really for a BIG fish, like a person-sized one, gills at the neck wouldn't allow enough air) ears modded to resemble the fin attachments, (because as COOL as the seashell ears are, i'm not gonna try and rip em off). then after all the modding, i wanna dye her entire body a sea foam color, and blush her fins a violet tone and her scales teal to blend. i'll want violet hair for her (i'll probably look into dying a lighter wig honestly), a long style though i'm undecided on straight or wavy as yet. i'll finally be using the Cuprit ice crown on her, along with that outfit (that doesn't in any way fit my Iple girls, but WILL fit her) until i can sew something more ocean-goddess. silver fetish wear and a sparkly cape is fine temporarily, but i'll want something that looks more regal and watery long-term. xD for jewelry and ornamentation, i wanna follow through on the concept i had for the Cass i never ordered: she's been underwater for so long playing with sunken treasure that it's bonded to her in places. i'd add swarovski crystals in places to look like they'd fused to her flesh, and i have an idea for an elaborate lacy filigree-and-gemstone necklace fusing to her chest. like it'd be antique-looking, except for one or two places where her skin would absorb it a little. i'm planning on doing similar filigree-type ornamental modding at the base of the ice crown to play up the shape of it. also to make it look more jewel-ish and less icy, it'd just be gold swirls and shaping, with a few extra jewels dotted here and there for impact.

my other idea that's been germinating is doing a dragon knight. like not a knight going out to slay one, but a knight that's Draconian in lineage, and since settling on my Amphitrite, i've realized that would be even more fun if i made him her son, and an aquatic dragon. for him i have yet to decide on a facial sculpt, but my idea for him is finny-ears like i want for my queen, then scaly additions to arms/legs/hands/feet and claws on the hands. i'd want slight scaling on the forehead too, around stubby just-coming-in-horns.. kinda like dragon puberty. xD the sculpts i like most for him at this point are MiniFee vampire elf Woosoo, or JID Colin from Iplehouse. i love the little fangs on Woosoo, but i'd be tweaking the eye shape quite a bit. with Colin i love the face and the body, but the ankle joint would limit my modding capability. i love all my Iple dolls, but that ankle joint is kinda a HUGE problem for a high-fantasy modification. it only works locked in that one specific orientation, and a classic capable-of-rotating foot would give me breathing room on the scaling and clawing. whatever sculpt i end up choosing though, i'm thinking i'll dye him a steely blue-grey before blushing to accentuate.

i'm still a LONG long way from being able to afford to do any of this, but even just thinking about it and planning it out is really fun. i know i planned Xavin in detail for two years before i ordered her, so i'm really okay with long-term doll planning. xD i don't wanna risk second-guessing a choice i've made, so even after i have money again (whenever that ends up being), i'm still likely to take this project slow and steady.